topic Absurd Situation in Relationship and family issues

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 23:22:56 GMT

So... I'm not sure what I'm expecting to find here, help hopefully, but I'm a little bit dubious, maybe I just want someone to hear my story. It's all really long and complicated, I think, maybe everyone goes through absurd situations like this... The crux of it all is that I just got married about 4 months ago, it was literally the happiest day of my life, I'm generally not one for putting too much significance on the actual wedding day but everything just went perfectly and it was an unbelievable day (which is saying a lot because fun and happiness is generally my main focus in my life)

About a month ago I found out that my wife started an affair 4 weeks before we got married. He dumped her after our wedding because he found out she was married. She then started another relationship which turned abusive against her (nothing too bad, just enough to scare her). During this period of her second affair, she turned to the guy from her first affair for support.

Prior to our wedding (about 4 months ago) we had been together about 9 years and I do truly believe she had been faithful for all those years. She had moved away for work during this period, the plan was to live separately for about 12 months (but see each other on average once a month for a long weekend or something). We had been apart maybe 2 weeks prior to this all starting.

As I said, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, support maybe.

Absurd Situation

JessF — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 23:46:37 GMT

Hello Absurd Situation, welcome here and I hope we can make you feel a bit less dubious about posting.

You sound to me like you're in a bit of shock over this whole thing. You're describing a situation where you have just found out your wife has been having multiple affairs in the lead-up to your wedding, and perhaps you're unsure as to how you're supposed to feel at the moment. If it were me, I would be feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me too. How are you feeling about the whole situation?

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 00:17:38 GMT

Yeah mate, the rug is a good metaphor. Honestly there's been a range of emotions, but mostly sad. It feel like i've lost the marriage I thought I had, but then as I think longer I think about how I never really had it. It's like if you're playing a game of sport and you win but later you find the other person let you win. The win felt good but it was never what you thought it was...

Absurd Situation

JessF — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 00:21:14 GMT

I'm so sorry. Having to re-evaluate 9 years of your life with someone like this must be very painful. Where are things at with your wife at the moment? It's been a month since you found all this out, where have things settled?

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 00:27:32 GMT

They're not settled. We're living separately at the moment, not due to this, was originally as a good thing for both of us for our careers but the distance is making progress hard. We've seen each other a couple of times since she told me, and talk on the phone a fair bit. It's just hard. She want's to work things out but seems reluctant to put in any actual work. She wants to sit back on her assertion that she won't do it again and seems reluctant to help me with how i'm feeling (she talks about how words won't help much but her actions, ie. not doing it again will). I feel that if we are to stay together this is something we need to work through together but her seeming lack of remorse is making things harder.

Absurd Situation

JessF — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 00:36:28 GMT

I'm sure this has been suggested to you already, but if there's a genuine desire to work things through, and there are many things to work through here, then seeing a relationship counsellor is probably a good idea. If you're both committed to working through this, then a weekly appointment where you turn up to do it with an outside professional is at least an objective indication of whether you are both willing to make some progress.

It sounds like you have some very understandable anger and frustration that needs to be expressed, and you're not having your feelings acknowledged by your wife at the moment. Of course actions are important to move forward, but showing an understanding of how the other person feels when you have hurt them is an essential part of moving forward too, in my opinion. What would you like to happen next at this point?

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 04:03:31 GMT

I don't know really at this stage... I feels like my emotions and wants and thoughts change every hour or minute, or every time we talk...

Absurd Situation

JessF — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 05:16:25 GMT

That makes a lot of sense. Perhaps some space is what you need right now, to try and make sense of what you do want. Have you got friends and family around at the moment to support you?

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 06:08:11 GMT

Yeah... been talking to a couple of friends, and seeing a phych. told my family a little, just that we're having troubles, I feel like I don't want to tell too many people because if we do work it out I don't want that knowledge hanging in the air between us and friends/family.

Absurd Situation

JessF — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 06:14:03 GMT

Oh that's good news that you're seeing someone, at least then you can vent about the details without needing to 'hang out the laundry' with the family and friends if it's not going to be helpful at the moment. If you're trying to work out what you're feeling, it's not always helpful for well-meaning loved ones to be giving you their two cents. What are you worried they might say if they knew the full story?

Absurd Situation

Juliet_84 — Sun, 18 Jun 2017 13:50:59 GMT

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this so early on in your marriage, it must be extremely difficult.

Has she offered any explanation as to why the sudden change in character? It just seems unusual to me that, by your own account, she has been faithful for 9 years and then suddenly has had two affairs in a row? I just think, if it is indeed out of character, if you can figure out the reason for this, there may be some hope or way to address it so it doesn't happen again in future?

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 22:23:32 GMT

Yeah obviously I don't want to many people to know in case we continue, but how do people live with pride after something like this. I get excessive pride is not good, but people need pride in who they are and what they have in terms of a relationship, how do you have pride in yourself if you allow yourself to be treated in such a way?

Absurd Situation

Neil_1 — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 01:20:45 GMT

Hi there Ab-Sit

Hope you don’t mind a newcomer to your thread chipping in.

You’ve mentioned pride and I can fully understand that. But also in a relationship, I think a big one is “trust” also.

When you say that you’re living separately, that’s I gather due to work. I’m guessing different cities, etc … are there opportunities on weekends where you get back together again?

It is good that you are seeing a psych and have an outlet with all this as I could imagine it would be very traumatic and your analogy of playing a game and winning, only to be told later, that it was a “set up” victory, would leave a very empty feeling.

One other thing you mentioned concerned me a bit, was where you mentioned that she wants to work things out and says she won’t do it again, but as you say, won’t put in any actual work towards the situation. To me, it should be her who is doing the hard yards with this, the one who raised it and the one who should be as nurturing towards you as possible – cause after all, was it not she who had both affairs.

Neil

Absurd Situation

Absurd_Situation — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 02:28:05 GMT

Yeah that's fine. Juliet_84 - yeah I think she has some issues, this was the first time she has lived in isolation from her support networks. Not that that is an acceptable reason, but sort of hanging onto the hope that there's something wrong inside here head which means she couldn't cope with the situation, and that whatever that is can be fixed. The only alternative scenario is that she just doesn't care, which may be the case, but I haven't come around to that conclusion just yet.

Yeah of course trust is a big thing. I think we can work on that, I'm not sure though. Her effort in working on that is an issue at the moment which may ultimately end us. I've just been thinking best case scenario though, if we can rebuild that trust that's one thing but I'm struggling to see how I can rebuild my pride in myself and us.

Absurd Situation

GemAndLogan — Fri, 14 Jul 2017 01:16:10 GMT

Hi Abs Sit,

Just wanted to share my experience, I hope that's ok.

My partner of 9 years cheated on me and kept it a secret, I only found out because I discovered on a routine visit to the doctors that he had given me an STI. Word's can't even describe how I felt in that moment.

I confronted him and he admitted having a one night stand but also didn't seem that remorseful, he apologised profusely etc etc but he seemed to think I should just accept that he said he wouldn't do it again and we should move on together. He told me I need to let go of the past (the nerve right?)

I really wanted to try to move on because I didn't want to just throw away a 9 year relationship over a one night stand that meant nothing.

Turns out, I just couldn't. I tried for 6 months but I physically couldn't move on.

The trust was gone and it never returned, the situation was consuming me- I thought about ways I could move on, the cheating itself and why he did this to me 24/7. It became all I thought about.

I left just over a month ago and it was the best thing I ever did, as soon as I left I felt a huge weight off my shoulders because I didn't have to worry about what he did any more.

You have 2 choices really, to leave or stay and only you can make that decision.

All I can say is go with your gut, if it feels wrong to stay then maybe it isn't the right choice for you but if staying and moving forward together feels right and you genuinely believe it can work then definitely give it that chance.

I wish you the best, I really feel for you because I know it is a horrible feeling.

Gem

Absurd Situation

Neil_1 — Fri, 14 Jul 2017 02:07:53 GMT

Abs Sit

It’s going to be tough road from here on in … please please keep coming here as often as you feel the need to. We’ll always be here for you.

Neil

ps: thanx for your response Gem, and another tough situation faced ... you took the brave, difficult decision and as you've said, it's worked out really well for you. And as you said to Abs Sit, only he can make the decision.

Absurd Situation

RusselB — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 23:39:22 GMT

Hello, am really troubled about your situation. some have mentioned it but just to crystalise out something that needs to be done before "everyone can move on happily". you need to find out WHY she did what she did. sometimes the outcome may be quite startling when one removes all the layers that led to these events. It doesn't make the person less responsible but the information forthcoming could & probably will be of great importance.

Take care,

Russ