topic Relationship strife? the peace pipe in Relationship and family issues

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 13:34:57 GMT

To marry my best friend sounds ideal, but thete was one problem, we both have firey tempers.

We've been married 6 years. After 2 years we had to find a method of surviving our clashes.

We both agreed we cant eliminate our temper, nor our need to storm off in a desperate need to escape the other person. Having considered that, I came up with this solution.

Couple A and B have an arguement and one storms of to his shed or her the bbq area. The rules are

Never follow them initially

Never drive

Never leave the property.

The one that stormed off has to feel that they wont be hounded. They need time out. This is a reasonable request.

After a time often minimum 20 minutes max 1 hour one person will feel like approaching the other for reconciliation. It doesnt matter who it is. Pride has no place here.

Person A approaches and asks person B if they'd like a cuppa. Person B might have thought they werent far off doing the same so they gave their cuppa. One rule here- no raising of voices.

If person B refuses the offer it simply means they are still fuming. Thats ok. Person A returns indoors. It is then person B to approach person A for a cuppa when ready.

You will be astounded how well this works...why? Because the time out period is so effective in calming you down.

You are left alone with the knowledge that if the other person shows up it will be only to offer a peace pipe...a cuppa.

You'll be comfortable that your partner wont drive dangerously or wont go missing and cause huge levels of concern.

This method needs a commitment from both, promises set in stone. It works for us. Lately we have found less and less need to carry this out, rather we stop the person walking out and talk quietly and calmly. We short circuit the process. A key element is respect. Both persons feel respected.

Either way its a winner.

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

velvetfaerie — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 21:18:08 GMT

So true.

I love reading your words Tony. You've helped me a fair bit more than once.

I need to bookmark this one!

Velv.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

quirkywords — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 22:47:59 GMT

Tony

what a useful post. I think having guidelines is useful. If one person is a sulker and wants to be alone after an argument and the others is a needy hugger and needs reassuring, the plan must suit both people. I am working on it. Respect is important.

Thanks for your ideas.

Quirky

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:39:23 GMT

Thankyou V and Q for your words. Thats nice. I feel humbled.

Once I was so upset I walked from the property to a nearby park on the basis that I didnt think she'd leave me alone. That act broke some respect and trust between us. We are well over that now and we stick to our pledges.

We are well suited to each other. However with firey tempers we cant fully control them. So the plan was needed.

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

topsy_ — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:55:46 GMT

Hi Tony

You have described almost to a "t" what my husband & I do.

I'm the sulky one but after a while I'm always offered a cuppa.

After the cuppa most times the issue doesn't seem nearly as awful.

However if there's been a real blast & one or both of us has behaved badly, we apologise.

Do you remember "Love Story" - love means never having to say you're sorry? I think that is exactly the reverse of the truth.

Love means saying sorry.

I'm another of your fans Tony. I always think "oh goody" when I see a new post from you. I know it will be well thought out & instructive.

Thank you Tony, Lyn.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 14:21:41 GMT

Lyn,

You made my night. Thankyou. I'm so happy about your words.

Here is one of my 150 poems that sums up another married situation

THE BLACK WIDOW

The male black widow spider

Tried all his life

He tried to tickle the hairy legs

Of his larger black widow wife

Finally he had a win

Something at last to gloat

She began to laugh aloud

As his leg slid down her throat

Poor male black widow

Was always getting into strife

All because he voutldnt understand

The nature of his hairy wife...

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

blondguy — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 21:32:12 GMT

Hi Tony

another excellent post!

A logical and caring plan to work together to find peace and resolution.

Mutual Respect + Gentle Communication. A great recipe for a balanced & caring relationship

Thanks Tony for the post

My Best

Paul

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

velvetfaerie — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 06:38:02 GMT

Currently trying this theory out. LOL!

Sheesh... A girl can't stand up for herself it seems !

I need cake.

Velv.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 12:51:16 GMT

Thankyou Paul.

V, I like to have distinct values that are reasonable.

Reason is an interesting word. Its pliable and flexes depending on the individual.

However when we talk about equality a relationship should possess the intention if both people to interconnect to accomplish tasks and communication for the completion of the bigger picture.

Dominance in any relationship is not good unless the dominated needs it. Even then the dominator can dominate, steer the ship in a non dominating manner.

But if one person is striving gor equal rights and is reasonable to give and take then that should be tolerable.

In the formula/agreement mentioned here it was never intended to be a method whereby it is felt unequal, on the contrary.

stay calm. Persist. Ask why he can't agree.

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

velvetfaerie — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 20:35:03 GMT

To be honest I think he's overwhelmed and getting muddled therefor confusing me.

Hes got insomnia which isn't helping and I think depression/anxiety. All the hallmarks are there.

Thats why after I dumped him, when he contacted me again I've not told him to rack off... he's got no one else to talk to and I fear he's doing very badly but doing the "na I'm ok." Thing.

But I'm maintaining distance until such time he wants to drop the arrogant mask.

Velv.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 09:29:54 GMT

Hi V

Insomnia....my sister and I both have bipolar/depression. We are really temperamental when tired. I have sleep apnea and use a cpap, very essential. So moodiness is much worse when tired.

Google

Topic: is their room for stubborness- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

velvetfaerie — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 13:20:26 GMT

Will absolutely look at those suggestions .....

thank you so much...

velv.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

highlysensitivepersonhsp — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 22:34:27 GMT

Absolutely loved the poem. Especially the hairy legs going down her throat. Brilliant!

In relation to the original post, you have such practical wisdom Tony. Able to compromise and find solutions to your mutual problems.

Great that you can work it out together. Such inspiration.

Sandra

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 06:01:34 GMT

Hi hsp

Thankyou Sandra. I'm happy people understand the messages I write. Even the black widow poem.

CHOOKA CHOOK

Chooka chook had an angry look as she washed her dishes dry

Her friend, Pecky the hen, was taken away to be fried

Then Rooty rooster came to pass,to see Chooka sad. He said dont be sad...be glad. You havent been plucked nor cooked till your skin is black

Unlike Daffy duck, who got cooked till he couldn't quack

Chooka Chook no longer sooked, she did her dishes fast.

She never cried while she had her hide, she lived each day as her last...

Tony WK

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

highlysensitivepersonhsp — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 02:07:56 GMT

Death of a worm

Squirm, squirm little worm

Wriggle on the hook.

Your life is but over now

By others you've been took.

You were by far the weakest link

In the old food chain,

Not good enough for bigger fish

Who spat you out again.

I guess you weren't to their taste,

Not good enough for dinner.

Shame they bothered with you at all,

Next time pick a winner!

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

No_worries — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 03:49:17 GMT

Realy good advice ill certainly be taking it onboard.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

topsy_ — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 10:44:28 GMT

Hey Tony,

I love the poem about the black widow spider. Very funny & very well written.

All of you who write poems are indeed blest with talent.

Cheers, Lyn.

PS I hate spiders. And snakes. Killing spiders is number one job of this lady’s husband!!

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 11:23:54 GMT

Thanks Topsy

I think all men should read that poem to see where they'll end up if lust gets out of hand and all women should read it as to their future as a single person if they devour their husband....lol

Relationship strife? the peace pipe

white knight — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 13:58:52 GMT

We have all had a testing time with the Covid-19 period.

Have any of you found ways to overcome conflict with others you’d like to share?

TonyWK