topic Pregnant and feeling miserable in Relationship and family issues

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 19:44:50 GMT

I'm sorry - this seems so petty in comparison to some other people's experiences. I just feel like I don't know where else to go.

My partner and I have been experiencing challenges since I fell pregnant to our daughter 2 years ago. I guess my life changed immediately and his didn't. He has developed a more family friendly balance but I feel resentful and hurt that I'm sacrificing my body, sleep, time, finances, social life etc.

I've been home recovering from a tummy bug. He came home for lunch (as he does every day) briefly but I felt he was just just being especially nice because he wanted to more money (usually he's frustrated at me taking days off because I don't get paid leave) for his colleagues going away drinks. He goes out from 4pm and I made a request that he please be home by midnight. I thought 8 hours was reasonable and since i haven't been well it's nice having someone you love in bed with you after being alone all day and feeling crappy. So after going to an appointment for baby #2 alone, picking up our daughter and doing dinner and bedtime alone...He came in at 1.30am after I had sent some emotion fueled messages saying I was disappointed and felt let down. He was angry because he felt he did nothing wrong. I tried to explain I didn't think he did anything wrong, I just wanted him to understand and how I was feeling-he just kept talking and couldn't understand so I ended up apologizing for making him feel guilty for going out. I noticed his phone open and found he had been messaging another woman with obvious sexual intentions but he had fallen asleep. It's not the first time he has sent messages like this but I had always dismissed it because I figured we all secretly fantasize sometimes, we just don't get caught. I confronted him and he made it out to be no big deal, it was just like looking at porn.

I guess I feel inadequate because I'm fat and pregnant and I don't have the time or money for superficial things and he doesn't have much interested in me lately and I wish that I felt like an important and valuable person to him. I understand that my life has been consumed by our babies and he probably isn't recognised much so I have been trying to show appreciation by commenting positively and surprising him with a baby free date (he didn't really care about the effort) but I think I was just hoping that maybe my actions would encourage some appreciation or affection was shown in return.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

monkey_magic — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 01:46:40 GMT

Hey there,

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are in an incredibly difficult situation and balancing act without all effort from hubby.

I was in a relationship with someone who was also talking to other woman and I felt betrayed and angry, he also thought it was nothing when I infact felt it was something.

Im sure you are doing a great job being a mother and being pregnant with all of it's symptoms and more love and support couldn't go astray.

All I can hope is that your partner realizes what a dill he is. If I were in your situation I'd be feeling let down as well.

I really hope the situation improves for you and your partner and that you get the attention and support you deserve.

Hugs

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Starwolf — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 02:45:53 GMT

Welcome to the forums, Eiendbdhd,

First of all, no need to apologize. Your feelings do matter...a lot. And your concerns are justified.

Grabbing the attention of a self-centered person is no easy feat. Your frustration is easily understandable. It seems you are dealing with someone who is not mature enough to assume his share of responsibilities. Being left to handle it all single-handed is being let down. May it be caring for your young daughter, pregnancy, feeling poorly, neglected and betrayed.

It is not you who are inadequate. Being fat and pregnant, not cashed up enough doesn't define you as a person. Those are temporary, external situations in your life. They should not affect negatively the way someone else sees you. As a matter of fact, they should attract more respect, consideration and support. You deserve much better than being left alone and neglected.

This relationship sounds very unbalanced, no wonder you are feeling out of whack. Have you tried to write down how you feel in letter form and hand those notes over to your partner ? It could be edited as much and often as needed, read at leisure and would avoid emotional outbursts that are difficult to avoid in face to face confrontation. Writing things down also help clarify our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

If you find you cannot get through, would your partner agree to go along to a counselor ? A session with a neutral professional often is a good investment.

Please take good care of yourself. If all else fails, do not hesitate to seek counseling and support before your state of mind deteriorates any further...even if you have family and friends you can open up to. A GP could refer you to someone who can help consider your options. I'd suggest you contact the social service /worker attached to your local hospital.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 10:43:12 GMT

I had no idea strangers could be so empathetic. I'm literally sobbing reading your response.

Thank you so much for making my thoughts feel valid. It's sometimes hard being able to tell what is hormones and what is reasonable, but I feel heart broken and it definitely runs deeper than hormones. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that just because a relationship isn't physical, doesn't mean it is acceptable behaviour. I'm sorry you had to experience it too. It definitely makes an impact on your confidence, especially if it's already a bit deflated.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 10:59:03 GMT

I genuinely appreciate your effort to respond. So much compassion for the situation of a person you don't know.

You're absolutely right about the temporary situations. I think at 4am and feeling the shattered self confidence of knowing my partner had been messaging a woman who wasn't me, again...it felt like maybe those things mattered and were contributors to why he might seek attention somewhere else, when it's probably just that he's an asshole.

I have kept a diary over the past two years. I was thinking of sharing it with him. It has been effective in the past and he's usually receptive to conversation, he's just not so great with the initiative.

We have both agreed to counseling in the past, it was an overwhelming time and I suggested that he organise it, so it didn't happen. Regardless, I do have a trusted GP that would provide me with a mental health plan and I will pusue it next time I see her, and I'll investigate possible hospital options.

Thank you so much for your time replying. I can see that you do it a lot. Obviously great practice because you seem to know what to say.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

monkey_magic — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 11:40:04 GMT

Hi again Eindbdhd,

It's all a learning experience, & the shock & denial. What's acceptable in relationships is different to everyone but for me personally if there's emotional/ sexual intent it's gone too far.

That's a lot for you to be dealing with & hopefully you have some supportive family/ friends you can lean on or professionals like starwolf suggested for some healing.

Our woman's instincts, intuition, and gut feelings never lie. We feel when something isn't right. And you are not alone at all, so many of us have been betrayed by someone.

Of course your feelings are valid. Thanks for the sorry, he also said sorry from the bottom of his heart, we still talk but I've never gone back.

Some couples get past this with a third person such as a councillor & hard work, all depends on the couple. I would have forgiven my first love had we had gone to councilling.

It effects your self esteem and confidence, I'll agree to that but you can get it back again...

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Starwolf — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 00:01:47 GMT

Thank you for your kind appreciation. I was once told that only a heart that has been repeatedly broken can be truly open. I come from a background of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) so my heart naturally goes out to you.

Kudos to you for being proactive. Should the worst come to the worst, you will at least be able to walk out with your head held high... you will have given it your best shot. Unfortunately it is sometimes not enough as responsibility must be shared by both partners.

Clever words are easily spoken but unless acted upon, they're just hot air. Words are often used to buy time, temporarily defuse a volatile situation. What is needed is lasting change. If it cannot happen, it will become necessary to do a lot of soul searching and consider the future of this relationship...and of your emotional well being.

Meanwhile, please feel free to continue to talk with us. Casting feelings and concerns out there can help unload some of the overload. Rest assured you will be heard and understood.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 12:28:40 GMT

I agree, I'm unsure if it's rectifiable. I have been distraught and raged at the same time. I have never felt so emotionally out of control in my life. Coping is something I haven't really been doing well. I don't want to discuss it with family yet, but I spent the afternoon with them and it was so therapeutic. My emotions felt manageable and it's drifted a bit into the evening too.

We have had a discussion but I can't foresee our relationship progressing. I think, he genuinely thinks he wants us to work it out but maybe deep down he doesn't mind if it slips away. He has made no effort to even talk to me, never mind attempt to redeem himself. I previously would never have considered attempting to recover a relationship from a betrayal but seeing as in this circumstance, there was no physical/emotional relationship - I want to be able to tell my daughter (and future baby) that I did everything to try and make it work. If it comes to it, I also want to be proud of my decision to walk away and demonstrate to them that it's okay to believe you deserve better.

Things feel hard.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 12:58:36 GMT

I'm so sorry to hear about your past. You are an extraordinary person to be comfortable enough to even divulge that information, never mind turn that negativity to develop an empathy for others.

I would never normally post on a forum but in the moment I was aware my headspace wasn't great and was looking at the Beyond Blue website. It's just such a relief to have an outlet. I'm already feeling a bit unhinged and it's such a difference to feel like at least someone is listening.

I am hoping that the professional support with maybe provide me with some coping mechanisms or help me process...I don't know. I guess the idea of just releasing uncensored feelings and details feels necessary.

My best friend said something similar - that it's not a matter of just me repairing, that he also needs to contribute to progress. So far he has stared at me blankly while I yelled in frustration, said "he doesn't know what to do" (I yelled at him to google it haha) and played Xbox. All very ineffective methods for successful relationship recovery. 😞 Maybe he's considering it as an escape route...He said he wants me to stay and not just to be a complete family, but like you said the actions aren't reflecting the words. They're meaningless.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

monkey_magic — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 13:08:32 GMT

Yeah,things definitely sound hard, but you still have your dignity and strength by the sounds of it.

From experience deep grief can make you feel out of control. I rem crying uncontrollably. It's all part of the process.

Glad you had a therapeutic time with your family and by the sounds of things you know the steps you want to take that are right for you in your current situation.

Be gentle on yourself. They say love kills slowly ( an Ed Hardy saying) & lows can happen but thank god it doesn't last forever. Deep breaths and feel free to keep us updated.

You are going to get through this.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

geoff — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 18:32:49 GMT

hello Eiendbdhd, it's great that you have had some lovely responsive replies, because I'm not sure that this is going to go away, because how can you believe anything he has told you, and it could even mean that there has been a physical r/ship, he's certainly not going to tell you.
He is also going to be angry when he came home at 1.30am, that's a defense mechanism and is there any respect shown towards you, no not really, and yes all of us do fantasize, but only in our mind and not by seeing someone until early in the morning.
I had my doubts with my wife and believed that she was seeing someone and when she stayed out all night and came home in the morning, I was horrified, but her excuse was that she was working all night, which I know she always worked late, but this night I went and to try and find her at work, the car wasn't there, so I rang the hospitals, not there.
Perhaps he is considering an escape and won't return, because at the moment he is not showing any emotion and maybe if you want, you could be one step in front of him, only if that's what you believe is something that will put your mind at ease.
If this happens then there will be some matters that need to be sorted out, but I generally feel so sorry for you and my heart goes out to you. Geoff.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Starwolf — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 02:09:10 GMT

I'm just an ordinary person who has learned to shift feelings of worthlessness, guilt and shame where they belong. With the abusers. I no longer see myself as victim of a situation that no longer exists. It has lost its emotional contents. Talking about it openly is effortless.

Your partner's "I-dont-know-what-to-do" response sounds to me like an evasive tactic. Where relationships are concerned, responsibility avoidance is emotional betrayal. Self-centered people usually want their cake and eat it too. Sure, he wants you to stay but only if he can keep doing whatever could be pushing you away.

No one can tell you what to do in this painful situation. All we can do is share a neutral perspective on your story. With 2 young children to look after, are you prepared to also keep catering to the needs of an adult-child who can't/refuses to grow up ? The hope for change can keep us overstaying toxic situations. You wrote that the relationship has been difficult over the last 2 years. Please be careful that waiting for someone to wake up to themselves doesn't end up depleting your inner resources. It is a delicate balancing act.

It seems that deep down, you have good insight into the situation. You are also courageous and resilient and have a supportive best friend. All terrific assets to help you over this difficult stretch of the road.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Carla09 — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 11:00:21 GMT

Ahello,

i think your husband needs to grow up he shouldn't be dragged kicking and screaming to be a responsible parent...

His focus needs to be on you and your kids. Try to be positive though for the special little person you are carying inside....if he can't appreciate how special these moments are it is his loss...He is really a sad person...with some serious problems....

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 12:07:36 GMT

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words. I am honestly amazed at the empathy and consideration you all have for others. This little community is fantastic for people like myself who weren't sure where to go for support. I really look forward to when I'm managing my own situation better and can contribute to others.

I am starting to process the whole event a bit better. I'm not really okay yet, and I feel so horrible for my toddler who has no understanding of why her mum is so irritable and impatient and less affectionate and why I was yelling aggressively at her dad (I hate to confront my partner in front of her but I haven't had control of my emotions lately), but she is so beautiful - when I frown or start to get upset she comes and sits on my lap and asks if I'm okay and gives me cuddles or kisses or does silly things she knows makes me smile. I honestly need her more than she needs me right now and I'm mad at my partner for putting me in a situation where I feel like I'm letting her down. Without her, I wouldn't even be considering this relationship salvageable.

We are communicating in small doses and he is in the process of seeking a councellor. He said he is reflecting a lot on his behaviour and trying to work out reasons (or excuses?) behind his actions. Regardless, it's progress and he seems to actually be listening to me. The home dynamics haven't changed much which is frustrating but I'm seeing tiny elements of effort. I'm reluctant to break our lease which ends only two months away so I feel like it gives a time frame to determine the result. While I'm trying to be open to recovering the relationship, I'm also preparing for the possibility that I'll be showing my babies that you have to look after yourself and walk away.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

Eiendbdhd — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 00:42:47 GMT

I wish I could say that things have improved but literally nothing has changed. My partner still hasnt sought counseling because "money is an issue" - but he has been able to visit friends at least once a week, maintain his cigarette addiction, buy a new Xbox controller, alcohol whenever he wants it, he's looking at a new BBQ and this is just recently...it would be nice to feel important to him like those things. I wanted one thing. I wanted him to show me that we mattered and that he was willing to apply the effort of seeking support to help us improve. I'm heartbroken and I'm shattering myself every single day trying to act okay but the second things get a little bit harder or I'm alone it all catches up with me.

Pregnant and feeling miserable

monkey_magic — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 04:57:15 GMT

Hi again Eindhbhhd,

Welcome back. By the sounds of things the struggle street continues with him being unable to recognise or acknowledge your hurt by his actions. Seems like he's hiding from it, wants to brush it under the carpet, forget it, I'm assuming.

To continue in a healthy relationship I think he needs to address his past actions and be accountable for them so he feels humility and thinks twice next time otherwise it's unfair on you. How do u know he won't misbehave again if he's not accountable? Sorry to be the bearer of bad new & I know you're trying to make movement with him just not understanding.

Im assuming there are still good things in the relationship bcas you are still together. You also sound like you want change and for him to act like a grown up. Some men are big children. I call them the man child.

Is he being attentive towards you? Is he sorry?

I really hope you can find mutual respect and join forces again. Whatever works for you. It's a tough one.