topic Why is there a time limit on grief? in Relationship and family issues

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 22:57:26 GMT

Hi everyone

not sure where to start! ok here goes

on the 5th of march my daughter was unwell, thinking she had really bad gastro I took her to our local hospital, they kept her in and later that night she had 3 seizures, we ended up being flown to RCH and told she had a clot and bleed on her brain, she was in a coma for 3 weeks then passed away on the 29th, she is now forever 8,

I miss her so much, life isn't the same now, then I lost my mum 4 days later,

i have a lot of why me days, I feel so alone, my husband is so angry with the world I feel like I can't talk to him as it only upsets him more, he has his brothers and friends to talk to, we don't talk to each other!

his mother keeps telling me I need to get anti depressants, I've spoken to my gp and I don't want them,

why can't I just be sad

I don't need to fix that with pills, let me miss her,

when does being sad and missing someone become depression?

Why is there a time limit on grief, I keep hearing oh it's been 3 months why are you still sad maybe you need to get some medication!

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Ladyhawke — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 00:21:55 GMT

Hello Dory09,

I'm so glad you decided to post on the forums. You've been through a terribly heartbreaking period - first losing your daughter and then your mother within such a short period of time.

I lost my father on 26th March and there are days when I can't get out of bed or even think. I've been on antidepressant medication for 20 years for major depressive disorder, but the medication can't perform miracles if you're coping with the intense pain of losing someone you love.

I completely understand your not wanting to take meds. The grieving process is very important even though it's incredibly difficult and seems impossible to cope with at times.

It sounds as though you can't speak to your husband at the moment and that you don't have anyone to vent your feelings to. It does help to know you have the support of someone you can talk to openly and honestly who won't try to "fix" your grief.

I wonder if asking your GP for a referral to a grief counsellor or psychologist might be of some use to allow you to vent the built-up feelings you have, and provide some support while you're going through such a difficult time?

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 16 years for major anxiety and depressive disorders, and since the loss of my father, having someone who will just listen to me and empathize, without trying to "fix" my grief, has provided a great deal of comfort and been enormously helpful.

I can't imagine how overwhelming it has been for you to lose both your child and your mother, and no, there is no time limit on grief -people process grief differently.

Have a think about speaking to someone outside the family about what you've been through and how you're feeling. You may find a few sessions with a kind and compassionate professional very worthwhile and ease the pain just a bit.

Take care, LH

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Mr_Walker — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 00:25:14 GMT

Hi Dory09, I'm so sorry you're going through that, I can't imagine.

I think you're totally right, feeling sad is completely normal.

I guess people are suggesting medication because they love you and don't want to see you hurting...

Do you have anyone else to talk to? Some sort of counselling could help - not to cheer you up, just to work through everything...

And welcome to the forums - lots of helpful people here.

Why is there a time limit on grief?

romantic_thi3f — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 00:25:37 GMT

Hi Dory09,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I know that a lot of people have struggled through loss but nobody can really understand what you're feeling right now, so I'm not going to even try.

So instead I'll head to your question about why can't I just be sad - you're absolutely aloud to be sad, and you're absolutely aloud to miss someone. Frankly I think there'd be a problem if you didn't; your mother and daughter were such a significant part of your life. It's awful that they had to leave you and it sounds like it was rather unexpected too.

Grief has no deadline. We all grieve in different ways. The people that talk about 'getting over it' or 'why are you still sad' may say this with good intentions but they may have never experienced grief the way that you have. There are absolutely no rules here.

People often talk about getting anti-depressants because their grief is starting to affect their lives in a way that they cannot cope day to day. Their relationships straggle, their work suffers, it becomes too hard to get out of bed. Getting out of bed and coping day to day can become a nightmare for a person struggling with grief. I'm not sure if this affects you or not - but even it did, it wouldn't be about 'stop being sad' but instead finding a way to accept that this has happened and find a 'new normal'. People can have a significant loss in their life and still find a joy and laughter; it's not an either or.

If you did want to reach out (and that's completely up to you) certainly anti-depressants is one option but it's not the only one. There are lots of support groups that can help, reaching out to friends, and of course counselling. People often like to talk to counsellors because it's a place to listen non-judgementally and provide support. A good counsellor can help reinforce and remind you that grief and loss has no rules and no deadline.

You may even like to have a look in our section specific for grief and loss here -

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 05:12:51 GMT

Thank you

we have referrals to someone just waiting for an appointment, we live in a rural area that can be hard to see specialists etc as they don't travel here or not very often

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 05:15:19 GMT

Thank you I will have a look at that link, v

Why is there a time limit on grief?

geoff — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 22:43:09 GMT

hello Dory, I have replied to your other post as you would probably know, and to feel this pain is actually what happened with me after an assault, ending up with a blood clot on my brain and then developed epilepsy, my injury wasn't as awfulas what your daughter had to cope with, and I'm just so terribly sorry.
I can't answer why the circumstances were different, I wish I could give you some relief on why, but it deeply upsets me that you no longer have her with you, and although it may not be any consolation to you, but my life has been changed enormously from the blood clot I sustained and it started with dealing with depression.
There is so much I would love to tell you if that was at all possible, but due to the sites regulations it's impossible, plus what I say I also have to be careful.
I absolutely understand why you don't want to start taking any AD's, because you're still grieving, but please remember that I am thinking of you, my heart goes out to you in every possible way. L Geoff. x

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 10:03:11 GMT

Thank you Geoff

ive just got home from work so haven't seen your other reply yet,

there is no answer why and never will be, even her autopsy showed no answers, it's just a cruel world,

8 years olds shouldn't pass and no parent should out live their children,

my reasons for not wanting meds are many

watching my mum be miss diagnosed for most of my childhood and being on many AD that made things worse not better, has me wanting to avoid them if possible,

i guess what I don't know is when is sad not just sad anymore and becomes depression?

I don't feel I'm there yet! I don't know but hopefully get an appointment with a grief councillor soon.

Thanks for taking the time to reply

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Ladyhawke — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 21:45:34 GMT

Hi Dory,

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and have been since I read your first post. I really feel for you - your grief and sadness must feel almost unbearable.

I understand it can be difficult getting assistance when you live in rural areas. Until you're able to see a grief counsellor personally, if you need to speak to a professional, or you simply want someone to listen to you, you could phone the Beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636. The staff are kind, supportive and have the knowledge and experience to talk you through your feelings. I realise life must feel like hell for you during this time, and speaking to a professional who can listen and allow you to express how you're feeling may help a little while your waiting for your appointment.

Take care, LH

Why is there a time limit on grief?

PMB — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 21:58:22 GMT

Hi Dory09,

My heart just broke reading your story, you need to g through the tunnel that is just sadness and feel crap, but is how hour minds work. You are so brave to have actually put it into word and given us the opportunity to share in your life. It is a major step as it will bring you relief. If I could give you a hug and hold your hand I would. Keep up the contact so your mind gets relief.I was told by a psych that most men express sadness through anger as it is their way of processing things and expressing thins being different to females. Take care hugs PMB

Why is there a time limit on grief?

geoff — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 19:52:13 GMT

hello Dory, I do wish I could give you a reason, but I can't and I think that's what upsets you as well as myself even more, because without any cause of why it happened is what brings you down into complete disappointment where it's very easy to try and make a reason why, I think you know what I'm trying to say.
Being sad for a length of time is when depression begins, or perhaps it's quite possible that it did start when you were notified of the news, it may just seem as though you are just so sad, but it goes much deeper than this, because when something as awful as this happens, it would be expected that depression will develop, simply because there will be no answers that could ever suffice, and even if they, did still doesn't mean that you won't become depressed.
I can't force you to take any AD's, that's a decision you and your doctor have to make, and certainly seeing your dear mum struggle with them would only warn you against them, but can I just say, and you don't have to accept any of this, but I feel I should mention it, so please forgive me.
The number of AD's has increased enormously, and if you did decide to begin taking them, then it would only be on a very small dose, just to see how your body can cope with them, there maybe some side-effects or there maybe not, but being on a small dose these would be very small, thanks, I think I needed to mention this.
Can you please let me know how everything is going, because it's a post which I can really indentify with. L Geoff. x

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 11:26:01 GMT

Thanks Geoff for the advice

i get what your saying I have another check in with my gp tomorrow

so we will see what happens, my dr is away and im seeing someone new,

feeling awful as I'll have to explain everything again 😔

Thanks for listening again

x c

Why is there a time limit on grief?

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 00:05:37 GMT

Hi Dory09,

Thanks for your post and I'm glad that you're checking in with all of us.

I just wanted to say that sometimes people like to print off or write down things to say to their GP because it's too hard to talk to them. Maybe you might want to print this off and show them if it's helpful.

I hope that you get the support you need.

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 05:05:03 GMT

Well I got my days mixed up, my appointment was today, I went and see the other dr it was awful!

He didn't want to listen to anything I was saying, would ask me a question then cut me off with another as I was answering the first,

he has given me some medication to try and help me sleep, but I don't know about taking them as I get up early for work and it says not to drive etc first thing in the morning , my doctor is back next week,

feeling worse today then ever

x C

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Fiasco — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 07:38:39 GMT

Dory, I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that the lines can be blurred between grief and depression. We lost our son just over a year ago, and I am still wondering why. I think you just need to do whatever you need to do, if that makes sense. If you need to speak to people about it, or take medication, or whatever, then that's what you need. Everyone reacts differently. There's no right or wrong. But if it's affecting your life more than you can bear, then you need to make healthy steps towards making yourself feel better. I don't know if that's come across how I meant it. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Eiendbdhd — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 12:17:41 GMT

My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I literally cannot imagine a worse nightmare to live. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Why is there a time limit on grief?

Juliet_84 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 14:23:42 GMT

Dory,

This might not be right but I consider depression to be when I have a period of being down without an explainable cause. Of course, in my depressed state I will rationalize that I have a medical condition and that is the reason, but if I wasn't depressed two days prior when I had that same condition then I know I'm having a bout of depression. To me, your reactions and feelings are perfectly understandable, and you're experiencing overwhelming grief at the loss of your little girl. I don't think you should have to put a time limit on that, nor is it something that you have to "get over". That being said, I hope in time that you find peace again, for your sake and your daughter's, because I couldn't stand to think of the people I love behind being absolutely heartbroken for all of eternity, that thought destroys me. Be gentle with yourself x

Why is there a time limit on grief?

geoff — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 18:09:17 GMT

dear Dory, there's an old saying 'it never rains it pours', and how sorry I am for meeting this new doctor who had no consideration, nor appreciation of what you are suffering from, this only increases on how you feel and that's the last thing you would ever want, I could say I'm really so sorry, but sometimes it's not enough to help you through, I am now in similar circumstances as I have to find another doctor as the one I've being seeing for 20 years is not visiting the clinic anymore as he had to drive a couple of hours every time, but slowly has been cutting down and now he's decided it's time he didn't.
It was an emotional time saying goodbye where the both of us shred a tear, well more than that, but now I have to see another doctor he has recommended, that's what I'm not looking forward to.
My heart is always there for you Dory. Geoff.

Why is there a time limit on grief?

pvroom — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 00:05:12 GMT

Hi Dory, firstly I wanted to say sorry for your losses. Grief is so challenging. I know just how you feel about ADs and I have unfortunately been in a similar position where a doctor and people around me are trying to fix my grief by suggesting ADs or other options. It doesn't really help does it?

You are absolutely allowed to feel sad. It's only been a few months, goodness. My event happened over two years ago and I am just still so confused and stressed and anxious about it, I don't even know if I am grieving or not. It is a confusing time.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is freeing when you can acknowledge and let yourself just be. I see you mentioned working, that's good if it helps you, I hope you find value in it. I find benefit in writing and trying to help other people who are struggling with some type of trauma. You are not alone and I hope you feel you can come back here ❤️

Why is there a time limit on grief?

luft_ — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 06:50:53 GMT

Hello Dory,

I read your post and cried. I am so sorry.

There is no time limit to grief. My grandfather died when I was 15 (I am now 27) and I still cry about it often and feel sadness. I can't imagine the pain of losing your daughter who was only 8 years old, and then your mother days later.

There is no easy answer to any of this, but the reality is it likely it will take you a long time, so please take each day as they come. I don't think you will every truly get over it at all, but you will learn to manage it and there is still happiness and great experiences to be had in your life.

AD can help take the sting off things, but you probably don't think you need them because what has happened isn't mental illness. There is no right answer, but I had a friend go through a traumatic experience recently and AD helped her cope through that initial period and get her on track, before things spiralled out of control.

I read before that the doctor wasn't great - have you considered maybe seeing a female doctor?

Let us know how you go - we are all thinking of you and here to help you through this.