topic How to move on from infidelity in Relationship and family issues

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:08:17 GMT

Hi guys, first time poster. Just wondering if anyone has any ideas to help me out. My partner of 20 year recently cheated on me, I caught them out, the major cheating happened once and the texting calls over a week. I’ve been begged and pleaded at to stay. Our marriage was a bit crap prior and we’ve since discussed all the stuff that led to it getting to that point. The part I’m struggling with is I’m not a forgiving person and I’m just losing it everyday, it’s been a week since I found out but I still feel as angry as day one. How do you trust again? How do you move forward?

How to move on from infidelity

Sophia16 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:17:01 GMT

Hi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a tough time.

You say that you want to forgive him but you also said that you had a crap marriage anyway? Is there a reason as to why you want to trust him again?

It can be really difficult to gain trust with someone who has cheated behind your back. If you really love him and you feel as if he will never do it again then maybe you should try couples counselling. Sometimes a third party perspective can be really helpful.

If you believe that he is capable of doing it again, do you think he is worth your time and energy?

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:30:47 GMT

By crap I mean we hadn’t been sharing a bed for months, we were only intimate max 3 times a month. Financial stress and some alcohol abuse which has now been addressed since the infidelity has all been uncovered. I think we both got too comfortable and stopped trying and I can deal with that part. I’m just not dealing with the infidelity I can see kind of how it happened and how we can fix the bits that were bad but I can’t see how I myself can move forward and forgive because I just have never forgave anyone before.

How to move on from infidelity

Sophie_M — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:38:43 GMT

Dear Bridge678

Thank you for the bravery and resilience you have shown in making this post! We are really glad you have joined our community. These situations can be so deeply hurtful and destabilising; it is difficult not to feel overwhelmed when try to confront the issues involved.

We want to remind you that we are hear for you 24/7, and you can call us on 1300 22 4636 or use the webchat to talk with us. We also want to recommend to you our friends at Relationships Australia (1300 364 277 ) who can help in many of these situations. In the meantime, I have no doubt that many of your peers in this community will want to reach out to support you very soon! I do hope that you will continue to speak to us and let us know how you are.

Regards, Sophie M.

How to move on from infidelity

Karen0901 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 11:23:46 GMT

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I have also been in a long term relationship of nearly 20 years, so I can imagine how you must be feeling.

I would suggest not making any quick decisions right now. I would think the very strong emotions you must be feeling may influence your decision and it is important to know what is best for you first.

First of all, I want to say that none of this is your fault. I hear some self blame. While I'm sure some issues in the relationship were also your doing, no one is perfect, the act of the infidelity was his. He could have approached the problem differently. Such as talking to you about things.

Next, I just want to comment on what you said about being intimate no more than 3× a month. This happens in long term relationships, in my experience. When you are together such a long time you inevitably go through rough life patches that result in a lower libido and less of an emotional connection. We usually work through these patches together and give each other consideration. A question to consider is: were you drifting apart because you didn't want to work through it any more with your partner? Has the love started to disappear? You did say it was "a bit crap".

Forgiveness can be difficult when trust is lost in a relationship. I agree with the previous post, that couples counselling may be a good option because a neutral party might help get you to the point of finding the parts of the infidelity you can't forgive and explore any questions might have. It may be that you can't work through it but maybe you can. However, the counselling might help you either way. It may help with understanding so you can get some closure.

How to move on from infidelity

geoff — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 16:56:49 GMT

Hello Bridge, in a long term relationship we can lose direction and expect what should be done, actually doesn't, then questions are asked 'why not', then repercussions develop and then make a point by sleeping separately.

You can't really be sure that this cheating only happened once because there could be other times not mentioned because of guilt, especially as they have been texting each other, however, it still doesn't make it any easier for you.

You can only overcome some of the other problems as you see fit, but to deal with your partner cheating, how sure are you it won't happen again, especially if the two of you have disagreed over a particular issue for a while.

One way to test their loyalty is to ask them to leave, then you can see whether it's not done again, sometimes actions mean more than words.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 21:19:07 GMT

I’m pretty sure it did only happen once as we actually both know the person he did it with socially. So I have spoken with the other partner affected in this and basically compared notes so to speak. I do blame myself as i was the one rejecting him, he was wanting to be intimate and I kept saying no. Which I know it’s because there were deeper problems. My partner has cut all ties, blocked numbers, social media etc apologised to the other partner and myself. Where as I have only had an apology from my partner. I tried to leave and he begged me to stay. He cried which I’ve only seen once in 20 years. I believe he’s sorry. Just find it hard to clear my head at all. I’m not sure about counselling but it certainly helps being able to just type it all out and see what everyone else is thinking.

How to move on from infidelity

Worriednow17 — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 08:49:50 GMT

Hi Bridge I am new here as well and going through something similar. I caught my partner messaging several times- as far as I know he hasn’t cheated and I’ve decided to leave because I had said previous times I would go if it happened again.

I am going to a counsellor though because I want to make the decision clearly

I know I can’t trust him again I was already checking his phone which is something I hate and I know I will always wonder.
for me it’s a dealbreaker because I was so clear about it not being acceptable.
talk to people , write things down and think about what it would mean to stay or leave. How committed are you? Do you want it to work

and you have every right to be angry !

good luck with everything x

How to move on from infidelity

Learn to Fly — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 09:35:04 GMT

Hi Bridge678,

Thank you for sharing your most honest post. I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. As the other person said, you have every right to feel angry, as this is one of the worst act a partner can do to the other. Actually, possibly the worst.
The fact, though, that you feel that he has been genuinely sorry is a really good thing. How do you go from there? I know this is going to sound cliché but if you are willing to stay with him, give yourself some time. See if his words translate to acts, meaning see how he treats you and your relationship, if he puts any effort into repair etc

I am sorry if I haven’t given you anything more substantial. This is never easy.

How to move on from infidelity

white knight — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 12:37:02 GMT

Hi, welcome

Every situation is different. There isn't a hard rule to go by with affairs. My wife and I agree if it happened to us it would breach trust and that would be the end.

However, your situation introduces its own circumstances. Separate rooms, a dwindling closeness etc. The lack of sexualising contact between the two of you might have had some effect. However, his actions were an act of betrayal and therefore only you can decide if you can forgive him.

Can I suggest that I get a strong sense that you want to forgive him but you are finding it difficult. If you were to forgive him I would suggest that major changes would be an option I'd discuss. These could be life changes such as-

Moving house/towns
Changes in lifestyle
Counselling
Soul searching
new hobbies and sport etc

One crucial thing, that you both pledge never to mention the matter again. All this is to maximise the chance of you both succeeding. Will it succeed? That depends not only on sticking to whatever changes you both make but also how positive your attitude is.

Finally, it is your judgement of his actions that matters. I said earlier if my wife had an affair it would be over and visa versa. Guess what, she doesn't know that I'd likely forgive her for many many reasons.

TonyWK

How to move on from infidelity

geoff — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 13:53:14 GMT

Hello Bridge, whether a couple wants to be intimate depends on many different issues and also how long you have been together for because a new couple can overcome problems much easier than than when they have been together for a number of years.

I agree with Tony, it's best not to bring this matter up again, don't use it as future ammunition to prove a point, this will only create disharmony, sometimes what's happened is behind you now and never mentioned, especially when you are cross.

If you believe he is sorry, then that's all he may be able to say at the moment, but later on he could provide other ways to compliment how he feels towards you, so if you definitely believe him then it's possible for the two of you to move forward as he has cut ties with them.

Take care.

Geoff.

How to move on from infidelity

white knight — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 00:59:56 GMT

Hi Bridge, how are you feeling now?

TonyWK

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 05:21:31 GMT

Thanks for your reply and I’m sorry your also going through this. I always thought I would leave too if this ever happened but yet here I still am. I’m still processing it and still struggling. I’m scared to live the life of having to check up on him all the time and worrying, we are trying at the moment but I still don’t know if I will be able to move on, it’s early days still.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 05:22:57 GMT

Thankyou it is actually helpful, I have been noticing the changes but fear they may be short term until he thinks I’ve forgiven him so I’m still in limbo at the moment waiting to see what time will bring.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 05:27:30 GMT

Thankyou, we have talked about moving and he is very open to the idea at this stage. It’s still only early days and I can’t say if I will be able to move on from it yet. It’s still really raw and painful. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it because no one wants everyone to know what’s happened so I’m a bit alone with my thoughts on this. Has been great to see everyone’s thoughts in this forum so Thankyou everyone. I wish I could talk to someone that has been through it and came out the other end and see if you can ever truly move on.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 05:29:43 GMT

I guess it’s just fear of staying and it happening again right now. Obviously there is no trust from me just yet so I’m feeling really crap about the future

How to move on from infidelity

Juliet_84 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 06:23:15 GMT

Hi Bridge678,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. Complacency is a common hazard with long-term relationships from both sides, in not showing partners the affection they need and also by taking partners for granted and the fact that they will be there. People are not perfect, they make mistakes, and I suppose that is what I would focus on if I was in your situation, was this a one-off out of character mistake from your partner or a flaw in their personality that is likely to be repeated. Given that you have had a 20-year relationship and their obvious remorse, it would seem that this was a mistake on their part. The second part is whether you can forgive them and learn to trust them again and move on. Because lets face it, no one wants to live in a relationship where you feel insecure, unable to trust your partner, and just unable to let it go. This will take time, and will be partially determined by how your partner deals with it (admits wrong doing, is transparent etc) but also your willingness to move on and accept that this has happened but does not define your 20-year relationship. You are already showing signs of compassion and understanding regarding how this could have happened rather than demonizing your partner which is a good sign. In this instance, time will tell but I think you have good prospects of surviving this if you both want that and are interested in making it work.

How to move on from infidelity

geoff — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 16:49:09 GMT

Hello Bridge, appreciate your replies to everyone and being in a 20 year relationship, we are able to know and what to expect from the person we're living with and what we may be able to get away with, without them knowing, that may be well and good in some circumstances, where the two of you can have a laugh about it later on, but cheating is a completely different story, it knocks the feet from under you.

It makes everything you've done in the last 20 years seem to be pointless because you're with a person who has broken your trust and uncertain of the future and whether this relationship can be rebuilt.

Only you can decide this, I'm sorry, and it's about, if you can once again trust him from all these years together and believe what he says.

Geoff.

How to move on from infidelity

Learn to Fly — Sat, 02 Apr 2022 09:37:16 GMT

Hi Bridge678

Thank you for your response. I hope this is not going to sound to harsh but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to consider the fact that you might never forgive him for what he did. Accept the fact that he did it, come to terms or a relative peace with it to be able to move on and continue the life together. Forgiveness works differently for us all. It might bring a relief to some, but it might also bring a feeling of being robbed of something because you might feel like you are giving more than you are receiving. All I am saying is see how you go, see how things develop between you and don’t put any expectations on yourself, nor let your partner to do so.
Thinking of you.

How to move on from infidelity

Bridge678 — Tue, 12 Apr 2022 22:04:39 GMT

So I thought now that the waters have calmed a little I would come back and firstly say a huge Thankyou to everyone that took the time to reply to me when my whole world was crashing around me and secondly to give a clear headed update. After reading through the forum when I so needed answers I thought my update might just help someone else out there going through the same. So we have talked and talked and talked. What we have got it down to is both of us “loved” each other still always have but the “in love” part was missing. Neither of us was really listening to the other when they expressed how they were feeling and part of the not listening was because it was only expressed during periods of anger and with yelling. My husband didn’t feel loved and neither did I. We had not shared a bed for some time. We both spoke about why it got to that and how to listen to each other before it ends in frustration. We have both identified what needs to be worked on. He fully acknowledges that he handled things really badly. He’s shown regret from day one but up until a few days ago I felt that he was only regretting what he did and that he got busted and never seen remorse and after all the reading I had done I knew remorse was a big thing I needed to see. Couples counselling was not on the cards for us financially. I continued to read until I found a book that felt like the author was talking about us. My husband is not a book smart man but he agreed that we could read it together. I’ll also mention that in the 20 years of us being together I’ve seen him cry 3 times to this point. When a parent was terminally ill, when that parent passed and the morning after I discovered the affair. The morning after I believed was regret. So back to the book we sat down to read it, we agreed that we would just do a couple pages a night as he has the attention span of a gold fish. I hadn’t even got through the first page and he grabbed me, sobbing, I asked why he was and he finally said those words I can’t believe I could hurt you so bad, I should never have done this to you, I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. We cried together we talked a little and that night was the first night I actually slept in 3 weeks it was like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There is so much more I could talk about but I’m running out of character limit, if anyone out there has any questions, advice for me I am happy to hear it all. I still have a long road ahead.