topic End of marriage??? in Relationship and family issues

End of marriage???

Qwerty14 — Fri, 05 May 2017 08:37:24 GMT

Hi,

Been together for 28 years, brought up 2 children, but can't spend any time together without arguing.

Weven been through many ups and downs. 2 years ago my daughter left home at 16, as she couldn't bear to live with us, due to falling out with her dad. He was verbally abusive, and aggressive, but not violent.

Now it's getting me down too. He's unreasonable frequently. He calls me names and swears at me. Loses his temper. Its not how I want to live. Everything else in our lives is just coming together after years of struggle. I want to enjoy life now, make plans, have fun. But it's always miserable. If he's not falling out with me, he's falling out with our son. Of course in his head, it's always our fault, never his.

I'm not a victim. I'm a strong independent woman. But I'm tired of this misery.

We both take antidepressants. I have depression, and so does he, but we find that he is more aggressive/agitated if he doesn't take them, so that it the main reason he takes them.

I don't want to give up on my marriage. But I'm tired of trying to reason with him. Especially recently when his responses are typically 'how can I make you stop.' It's so hurtful.

End of marriage???

MarkJT — Fri, 05 May 2017 10:17:49 GMT

Qwerty, sorry to hear that you have been going through this. Does not sound much fun at all.

I feel that your hubby needs to get back to the GP or psych and have his meds assessed.

Do you think this is possible? Would he agree to a meds assessment, maybe increasing or a change.

Mark.

End of marriage???

kanga_brumby — Fri, 05 May 2017 10:53:15 GMT

Qwerty have you discussed this with him at all. Ok he is blaming you or the children for what ever. Not good at all levels. Maybe you could talk to your GP about it or a physiologist to get some straggles to get him not yelling and blaming everyone else but himself. I would guess he doesn't want to yell at everyone. He sounds as if he is frustrated about something, and taking it out on the ones he loves. keep in touch.

Kanga

End of marriage???

TBella — Fri, 05 May 2017 11:22:44 GMT

Hi Qwerty

so sorry to hear life is so miserable for you at the moment.

i agree with Mark that your husband needs to go back to GP! Also get his hormone levels tested. Too much testosterone or estrogen can make you angry & aggressive & there is a good chance that his medication could raise hormone levels too high!

if out of balance hormones are the problem then simple things like changing diet, eating lots of fibre, exercise, vitamins can help get hormones back in balance. And if it happens to be his medication causes out of balance hormones then perhaps his Doctor may know of different meds that don't impact as much on hormones.

Hope things work out for you!

Best Wishes

Tbella

End of marriage???

Qwerty14 — Fri, 05 May 2017 11:44:26 GMT

In his head, everyone else is to blame for his behaviour, so I don't think he would be up for further medical intervention.

We've discussed it loads, he just gets defensive and lashes out (verbally). We have counselling booked for next week. He can't wait to get there and tell them how much of a nag I am, so that his behaviour is justified.

End of marriage???

Qwerty14 — Fri, 05 May 2017 11:49:07 GMT

Thanks. Yes, I think you're right. He gets frustrated by lack of respect shown by his children (amongst other things). Our children are strong minded free thinkers. I think he would like them to be fifties children - seen and not heard. They do respect him - but will challenge him if they disagree. I think it's got him down over the years.

End of marriage???

MarkJT — Fri, 05 May 2017 12:51:51 GMT

Querty, that is fantastic to hear that you are booked in for counselling. Hopefully the counselor will be able to talk in such a fashion that you two can speak equally and civilly to each other and go through what it happening.

I would be very interested to see how that session goes, that is of course you share it and absolutely NO pressure whatsoever to do so. Totally your call.

Now in this moment, it is really important that your self care if really good. Try to get some exercise in, eat well, lower or cut out alcohol and do some mindfulness. You need to look after you.

Mark.

End of marriage???

CMF — Fri, 05 May 2017 19:45:55 GMT

Hi Qwerty,

sorry for what you are going through. When did he start being verbally abusive? He's wouldn't be the first parent who can't handle being challenged by his kids and I understand what you mean, he wants them seen and not heard like my ex husband but kids are different nowadays, more influences. My ex husband and son don't get along much at all, my son hates going there which is sad. Doesn't mean they should lose respect but some are strong minded. Blaming others for his behaviour and being verbally abusive, name calling is not on and I think you need to look out for yourself and your kids now. Geoff is right in many ways. My little ones dad is the same, blames others for his behaviour, thinks it's justified. Counselling will never help him if he sees nothing wrong and thinks he is superior.

please look after yourself and your happiness. After a while you can become conditioned to his behaviour and start to believe what he calls you is true as you get pushed further and further into a hole that is hard to climb out of. You will start to question your own self as you struggle to keep the peace. I don't want you to get to that, you deserve better.

cmf x

End of marriage???

CMF — Fri, 05 May 2017 22:22:53 GMT

Qwerty, maybe a trial separation will make him realise his behaviour is pushing you away. He may be happy with this as it may be what he already wants.

If you do the trial and he doesn't realise he is pushing you away then i think you have your answer, if he does, and he acknowledges and apologises then it's up to you whether to forgive and give it another go. Of course there would be the expectation that his behaviour will change, that is the only way another chance will work.

cmf

End of marriage???

White_Rose — Fri, 05 May 2017 23:23:48 GMT

Hello Qwerty

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I read your post yesterday and ran away. Too much like my situation. My husband did not yell much. He is a bully and entirely concerned about himself. We had four children which makes leaving difficult. There was no way I would leave them behind.Because he was angry with me he would manipulate me through the children. It was horrible. Do I stand up for myself and let him hurt my children or do I knuckle under and do as he wanted? I knuckled under and it has affected my life big time.

I left nearly 17 years ago. Children all grown up with homes of their own. I thought I would start a new life in a new home, but after just one year I fell into depression. It was dreadful and I think caused because I had no self confidence left. I was used to calling myself useless and silly. It's taken me a long time to realise this and even longer to move on. Unfortunately I am still afraid of men in general and I find myself using the habits from the past instead of being me, take it or leave it.

He would never change. I suggested counselling but he said he had no problems, it was just me. I do not know what to suggest to you. The options of leaving or staying are both fraught with difficulties. Expecting your husband to change may be a long shot because he does not believe he has a problem. I don't know why he behaves in this way. Maybe he has always been this person. When children arrive there are invariably changes to the marriage because your caring must include the children. The nicest way of course, is if you both share the caring.

My husband had an abusive upbringing. His mother was dreadful and I feel really sorry he had these horrible experiences. I tried to compensate and he was determined that no woman would ever be in a situation to control him. So the outcome was never going to be good. In the end I knew I needed to leave and did so. I have no idea how I found the strength to do this.

I know telling you my story does not help you. I wanted you to know you were not alone in this and that I do have some understanding of how you feel and the dilemmas you face. I stayed with my husband for 30 years.

I most sincerely hope your counselling sessions will be positive. I suspect that his behaviour will escalate after every session for a while as he starts to learn how you feel. And you may well be surprised at what he has to say, other than it's all your fault. Would love to keep talking.

Mary

End of marriage???

geoff — Thu, 11 May 2017 19:52:07 GMT

hello Qwerty, my intentions were only to provide you with some comfort just in regard to my post yesterday which has been deleted, I was only trying my best to help you through this difficult period as from my own experience.

hi CMF, thank you for understanding where I was coming from, I really appreciate your support on this matter. My best. Geoff.

End of marriage???

whitepointer — Sat, 13 May 2017 05:26:10 GMT

Hi Querty, It could be that your husband needs a revaluation re his medication if hes having trouble containing his moods and taking it out by argueing with every member of your family. I recently found my medication had stopped working after years of taking a well known brand so I became vety depressed and irritable..Since taking a new med Im slowly getting better.

End of marriage???

Wonder — Sun, 14 May 2017 12:28:39 GMT

Hi, I wonder why your husband is so angry and why he vents his frustration at the ones he loves.

of course his behavior is distractive and unacceptable and could end your relationship.

Perhaps you know why but if not find a professional you trust to get a better insight to what is driving his behavior.

This could help you and your children show compassion and perhaps circumvent triggers that lead to him venting.

Being 62 and married twice with children to two wonderful women I also am fallible and have had crisis in my life that have been truly difficult.

Between the feeling life is passing to quickly,work becoming more difficult to manage,personal expectations of what sexual intimacy should look like and the realization that I am simply having to revaluate my dreams and expectations has been hard.

If he is feels he is failing as a husband,lover,parent he really needs help and understanding.You also need to be able to have boundaries that protect you and your children that are agreed by everyone in your home.I hope counseling will help you both.

I guess over time the love you have felt for each other has suffered due to outbursts of frustration and the hurt of not

feeling respected and honored .If you want to help him try to find the time to learn more about what is happening in your marriage.You probably need to start relationship counseling and talk to your GP

You mentioned the years of struggle and that in it's self can be the reason for the circumstance you are in now.If he feels that it has not been appreciated and celebrated as a man who may define himself in terms of what he does and not who he is, he may feel he is not valued in the family. If this is the case he may ask himself why did he bother,what was the point and this can trigger a crisis of confidence that contributes to his anger,hurt and frustration.

If he loves you and the children there is always hope that education and talking to respected proffesionals will help move him into a more positive space.

If he reads,books like Steve Biddulph Manhood and Dr Rosie Kings Where did my libido go could be useful.I would check out these online first to see if they are in the right space for you both.

Try to find a counselor that you both relate to,it can take more than one attempt.

Your husbands behavior is common enough but also disrespectful.He more than likely hates himself for it and hopefully you can both work through it.Good luck.