topic Parents! in Relationship and family issues

Parents!

Hannah2015 — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 22:23:56 GMT

Hi all,

Not needing any answers I just need someone to hear this.

My folks are going through a particularly bad breakup and it's the saddest thing because they are/have been so unhappy for most of their married life.

My dad was unfaithful and my mum said last night that she was going to make him pay for it for the rest of his life. She told me he has character deficiencies. She brings up all sorts of examples to evidence this.

The truth is he is unfaithful. He's not a great husband. I'd leave him. The way that my mum has treated him over the years has been horrendous also. She's violent and verbally abusive.

I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD in part due to the fact that there was never any safe spaces to be in my home/family.

Im ok now and live far enough away that most of the drama doesn't impact me. But I'm so sad that these people don't know what it is to feel safe, secure and loved and cared for. How can two people spend a lifetime thinking it's ok to treat each other this way? Why can't they step up and get some help?

Vent over.

Parents!

Mia001 — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 00:49:05 GMT

Hi Hannah,

I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you to live with a family like that. I'm really glad that you were able to write this down, as sometimes that can help a bit.

If you ever want to talk, I'm here to listen.

Take care,

Mia

Parents!

Croix — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 01:49:13 GMT

Dear Hanna~

Parents no more than anyone else come with inbuilt wisdom, and I'm not saying anything you don't already know. Maybe too over the years standards and expectations by everyone have changed, as have the resources to hep deal with relationships.

I did read your old posts about your marriage failing and can't help think that you may have learned from your parents' unhappy state and taken the proper action more quickly than you might otherwise.

I guess both good and bad examples are worth having, though as you say it is very sad to see the price paid. Some people are just a bad mix.

To answer a question from another thread, I would think feeling some control in a relationship comes at least in part from being secure. This is not only your job but very much your partner's job too.

I'll give you a very trivial example, I believe the principal applies to much bigger things. When my first wife passed away I remarried and my new wife came to live in my house, which was full of my deceased partner's tastes and personality.

My wife wanted to change perfectly good things, such as tapestry lampshades, and although they had meaning for me I encouraged her, so that in time she could feel the home was equally hers.

Please vent all you like, hopefully it is from a safe space.

Croix

Parents!

Jessicatherese94 — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 11:38:09 GMT

Hi Hannah, I know you're not really looking for advice but just wanted to say I feel you completely. It's really hard that sometimes people can't ask for the help they need. I guess it's not okay to treat people like that, but sometimes people bring out the worst in each other and it just isn't right for them to continue being together. You sound so wonderful in every way. J.