topic When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying. in Relationship and family issues

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 11:13:44 GMT

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

white knight — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 09:58:20 GMT

Hi Lolue, welcome

That hollow feeling I know too well. Hurt, pure hurt.

An old man once told me "never go backwards" i think he was right because we tend to forget how bad things were and- it wont change.

You have done well going on dates, continue to do so. Time will heal and true love will help even more.

Youll know you have met a netter guy when...he wants you back after a split

Tony WK

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 20:26:23 GMT

So I stupidly tried calling him again a few times and messaging him asking again if we could talk or go out for a coffee. Again I got nothing. All I'm doing is just making myself look crazy and making myself feel terrible. I can' even get out of bed and go to work. I'e always been the kind of person that will fight for the person that I love, but I can't seem to fix this. I feel so broken. And here I am wasting my time on someone who can' even reply with a no or go away. I have guys that want to go on dates with and focused on my ex. I don' know what to do anymore.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Croix — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 21:16:04 GMT

Dear Lolue~

I'm very sorry you feel so bad at the moment. If a relationship means anything at all at the time then there is an awful lot of grief and loss when it ends. Maybe this is even worse than if someone dies, as the object of you affections is still in view - and seems almost attainable.

People say that as times goes on the heart views the past with rose-tinted glasses, and I guess to some extent that is true. Here you acknowledge his faults but still want to put the clock back. Perhaps your mind is remembering all the good things you felt and not the bad ones. Unrealistic.

So what to do? Well you said you were the sort of person that fought for someone you love, it really is time you fought for you. You have started by going out on other dates. By posting here.

Try to imagine a proper relationship, where your partner is there for you - not someone who is calculating and says it won't work - who wants you happy and secure.

Tony WK is quite wise in saying "Youll know you have met a better guy when...he wants you back after a split"

I've faced loss, and it does get better, then you meet someone else.

Croix

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

quirkywords — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 21:41:11 GMT

Welcome Lolue,

I have just read Tony and Croix's helpful and caring replies to you.

Breakups are so hard and emotional.

You understand that you are 'wasting your time on someone who cna't even reply with a no or a go away' and you have dates who want to go out with you but you say you are still focused on the ex. As Croix says it is timeyou fought for you focused on you.

Many people will relate to your story and your honesty. I had a relationship break up and even though I wasn't happy in the relationship I kept worrying if I had done the right thing.

Then I started looking forward and not backwards . It is not easy and it does take time but it is worth the effort.

Quirky

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 10:51:34 GMT

It' not as though I've only looked at the good memories, I have made myself think of the bad memories as well. I still think we could work through everything.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Croix — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 12:52:58 GMT

Dear Lolue~

The very last thing I want to do is hurt you, however I would be doing you a disservice if I did not tell you how things look from the outside.

You broke up with this person, and although you did not say why that chances are it was for a reason that seemed good at the time.

You changed your mind and wanted to get together again, but was rebuffed. Now this refusal seems to me to be important because it did not take you feelings into account, but simply coldly calculated the odds.

Since then you have tried to contact you ex-boyfriend and have had no reply. He was not even prepared to see you got your book back.

This does not look in the least hopeful.

Again I'm very sorry you are so grief-stricken by this ending, however you can't prop up a relationship all by yourself, it takes two, and if he is simply not willing then you are stuck. While you may feel it is possible to work things out he shows no sign of being willing to so this.

There are often reasons when one cannot accept the ending of a relationship. Wishful thinking is one, a feeling that because you put so much effort and emotion into it there must be something there. Perhaps even that it was the only one for you and there'll never be another the same.

I would suggest that even if your heart cannot break away you act as if it has, go on dates and resume your life as best you can. In time things will change.

Croix

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

blueskye — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 16:34:44 GMT

Break ups suck but what sucks more is dwelling in the past.

Your ex is an 'ex' for a reason. He's in the past and you have to move forward.

He got together with another girl so he isn't really worth fighting for. Waste your energy on working on yourself instead. Some ideas - join the gym (the group fitness classes like zumba is fun!), go out more with your girlfriends, pick up a hobby etc.

Do your best not not think about him. Block/delete him off social media if you find yourself constantly checking up on him.

Remember the saying - there are many fishes in the sea? It's true.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 02:15:46 GMT

Um I never said he got together with a another girl, as far as I'm aware he' currently single.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 02:29:35 GMT

So I started seeing a psychologist so I'm getting professional help. In regards to my ex I think today I've finally reached the point where he isn' worth it and he' just a toxic person. We have to work together although in different buildings but there are times when we have to see each other at work events or he has to come to my work building. I really wanted to have him my life even as friends (I know that can be unrealistic but there is cases where people have been able to remain friends with their exes) , I have offered numerous times to sit down and have a chat to help either get closure or to help get us to comfortable speaking terms always offering to do it on his terms. But he has continued to ignore me even refusing to not to agree to saying hello as we pass each other work. Again I don' think it' unreasonable to ask to be polite at the times we do see each other cause this will not only make things less awkward for us but also for the people around us. But again he has just given me silence. I have decided until he learns better communication skills and how to deal with his problems and not bottling them up any kind of relationship he has is just going to be toxic and one ided. Cause I know I would offer my full support to him. I wrote down a response I thought of if he were today to start talking to me as I found writing helped.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sun, 14 Jan 2018 02:30:29 GMT

I don' know if in 6 months time my response would be different but this is what I thought I would say "Unfortunately at this time I don't want to be friends with you, because of the way you treated me after the break up and because you are terrible with communication. It is not unreasonable for an ex to ask for a conversation to help get closure and on to get to speaking terms especially when those exes work for the same company. Its also not that unreadonable to ask not to avoid people and to just say a hello in passing.I truly believe you would benefit from seeking professional help and to work on your communication skills. Shutting down and pushing people away or bottling up your feelings is not a healthy way of dealing with your issues/problems. I did at one point want to be friends but I'm the kinda person who would offer my full support to a friend in need but if I were to be friends with you I don't know if I would get that same support back. I believe at this time it would just turn into a toxic relationship where only one person communicates and offers support. I think you definitely need to work on your communication skills as your 26 year old adult it's just going to cause more issues in the future if you don't deal with things now. I hope you reflect on this because I don't think you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you sort your shit out and learn how to communicate with people."

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 00:35:39 GMT

I f****** hate this! I'm so angry and fed up. I feel like my ex gets away with how he' treating me! That I'm not allowed to ask to be treated with respect! We work with the same company but different buildings but the mat be times he has to come to my building or if we have a joint work function. At my christmas party he couldn't stand within 2 meters of me without walking way when I came near. It made it awkward for the people around us. So I spoke to my team leader about it yo have our hr guy speak to him. Because my ex is a team leader aswell and for new people who don' know we dated see him treating me that way think there' a Manager treating an employee that way. I know my ex will react negatively to being spoken to. But why should I care about someone who has shown not to care about me or my feelings. I shouldn' have toask to be treated with respect!

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

mylittleprofile — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 15:21:30 GMT

Hi Lolue,

I’ve had a read through this thread and I’m sorry to hear of your feelings in your story.

As the others suggest try to focus on yourself and not so much the ex. It’ll get easier - trust me!

Even with the work stuff. Keep on doing your job and try leave him (for the moment) to do his job. One day you guys may talk again, or you might not. It’s hard - and as others have said - many have lived through your story and feelings and can relate. Keep pushing on and perhaps it’s too early to be going on dates??? Do fun things with friends, have a spa day... really just try so hard to focus on you.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 01:52:53 GMT

So I'm a bit scared at the moment cause of what I'm about to write cause I feel so ashamed and guilty of my actions. But I'm trying to hold out to my next appointment with my psychologist. I really screwed everything up. I became so fixated on the idea that if I had one conversation with my ex I would get some closure and would be able to move on (stupid I know now cause even if I had that conversation dosent mean itwould help its all about taking care of myself I know that know.) But I stupidly became fixated and constantly sent messages and calls to my ex. I see it now for it is borderline harassment 😞 which hurts so much cause I know it' true. I broke down at work cause I started having thoughts that screwing everything up and just a burden and that it would be better if I wasn't around. Ive deleted my ex off everything and I had previously asked him to block me cause I knew wasn' in a good headspace and could see I was stuck and what I was doing wasn't good. At the moment I really want to apologize to my ex for my actions but I know if I try to reach out the moment it may come across that I'm harassing him again. Also I don't want to seem like I'm only doing it to make myself better. I don' know if it' pointless or maybe I should give it time and wait a few months. Ive screwed up and I have to live with the consequences of my actions. But I hate how I'm now going to known as a harrier. And know most of you are going to reply with move on focus on your self. But I just feel like I have to do something to help fix things. I dunno what to do in this situation.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 04:44:20 GMT

I'm also really worried that my mind is going to fixate on the need to apologize. It would great to have a response and hear some advise and maybe some similar stories where people have made the same mistakes as me or who made themselves look crazy and what help in those situations. I know people say do things to help focus on yourself so I'm asking for help in to stop the feelings with shame and guilt or anyone has been in the situation that made them look crazy what helped, did you cut out your ex of your life or do you still have contact if so do you feel like given space and time did your situation improve?

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 10:24:08 GMT

Anyone with any advice? Feel like I'm going crazy! I'm trying to move on but still mise my ex. I still want him back even though I know it' never going to happen :'( I'm screwing everything up.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Birdy77 — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:36:42 GMT

Hi Lolue,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I've been there, and felt like i was going round the twist.

I am happy to chat with you more about your feelings if you would like.

I see you have had very caring replies from others already, and know you want different advice from "focus on yourself".

My advice right this second, considering your fear of fixating on the desirecto apologise to your ex is, don't do it. I would strongly suggest No Contact. The more you contact, the further into the toxicity you will go. It will be very very hard to enforce this on yourself, but i think at this point, it's very important that you stop any contact whatsoever.

When i was going through a similar situation i had a friend i could text each time i felt the urge to text my ex. Do you have someone who could be that for you?

You asked if feelings of guilt/shame get better with time, the answer is definitely yes, but the 'time' only starts once you've stopped all contact.

As you work for the same company, perhaps in time you will be able to be civil, but at this point i think it's important to stop texting and calling him.

I am happy to keep chatting with you about other strategies to help you move forward if you would like.

🌻 birdy

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:48:22 GMT

Thanks birdy. I have stopped contact. I just feel so broken and feel like im becoming numb. And i hate the fact that i still love and miss him. Im so tired of trying to push through everything. I really feel like ive screwed everything up. And i feel like im nothing and worthless.

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Birdy77 — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:55:07 GMT

I know that feeling too Lolue, and I'm very sorry you are having those feelings now. I can tell you this though: you are not nothing and uou are not worthless. You are a wounded person who has put her all into a relationship and been left with nothing. I felt like a shell of a person when i had my experience, because i had lost myself, i had poured my heart and soul into my ex and had nothing left for myself. Is that sort of how you are feeling?

When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 22:07:37 GMT

Yes its so hard to believe we went from talking all the time to no contact. I know the silent treatment is the way my ex deals with things but it makes it seem like it was so easy for him to cut me out. And hearing that hes moved on sucks cause i feel like im still struggling. And sucks cause i have all these questions i want answers to but i know im never going to get them. And it knowing that our work Christmas party he couldnt even stand near 2 metres of me.