topic No attachment to my kids in Relationship and family issues

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 09:58:38 GMT

So I'm borderline (BPD) and have two children 4 and 18 months...both girls.

They have lived with their mother since Feb last year when she left me.

Although I love my children, and support them financially I have no bond or attachment to them.

I have no desire to see them, or be apart of their lives.

I don't come from a broken home, my folks are still together and I have normal relationship with them and my older sister.

When I lived with my kids, I never had an attachment to them, or bond it's not something that occurred after they left.

I would avoid coming home, and when I was at home would distance myself from them. I always felt uncomfortable, nervous, anxious around them, and felt forced spending time with them.

I was undiagnosed BPD, and struggling heavily at the time.

But now that I'm in control of my emotions, and am quite happy in myself....I still do not want to be apart of their lives. I declined to see them today, even though I was off work

I don't really think about them, nor do I miss them.

Im seeing a BPD specialist psych for the first time on Wednesday, and hoping she can shed some light on this, because I know as a person this is not right, but seem to be rather carefree about the whole thing

I know there is many people on here with BPD, both males and females. Is this a typical trait for borderlines? Or is there something else at play here?

Confused, but not emotional.

No attachment to my kids

white knight — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:07:00 GMT

Hi azbox,

You ate seeing a bpd specialist psych, congrats there. Many dont and thats what, in my view, separates the courageous from the stubborn.

not wanting to see your kuds nor feeling for them is obviously what you'll need to work on. My concerns however are not for you but for your kids.

My daughtets were 7 and 4yo when my marriage split. As a non custodial dad I had them fortnightly and during holidays. I simply dont know how they would have developed emotionally without me in their lives.

So I'm questioning your ability to consider others, a question you could ask your psych about. Because it is highly unusual for a parent not to feel a strong bond with their kids. I'm not judging you, its obviously a mental condition that needs treatment. In the meantimes please keep seeing your kids.

Their hell started when they were taken from you but it continues when you stop visitations...like their little smiles....to them you are dad and you are important and irreplaceable.

Tony WK

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:10:28 GMT

Hi Axbox,

Firstly, well done for being honest about your feelings. I don't have answers to your questions but my daughters father seems to be similar in some ways. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything but he is a verbally abusive narcissist as far as I'm concerned. Just want to say that I'm glad you have the decency to support them financially, you deserve credit for that.

Were you in agreement with having kids? Everyone reacts differently to parenting. How does your ex feel about it?

cmf

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:24:44 GMT

Early in the relationship me and the ex had alot of dramas with her sister and mother, if we argued or disagreed she would go and stay the night with them at the drop of a hat, it was like being in a relationship with all 3 of them, an disagreement/decision we needed to make for some reason needed validation from them also

The ex sees a psychologist now to deal with the aftermath of me I guess, and when she told him that I had been diagnosed borderline he said it made perfect sense from what she had told him about me

What stuck with me was she said he told her it explains my abandonment issues with her, because she would leave every time a disagreement occurred, it reinforced my abandonment and issues of trust with her

When both girls were, the sister and mother were always there, taking charge of everything with my daughters, I couldn't come home to my house without them being there, it was relentless and I was always made to feel I was not the main care giver/parent with the ex

I believe that this may have had an affect on the initial bonding periods with my children, sort of being deprived of that time when they need you most

My ex is also from Scotland, and has put in paperwork to the courts for permission to move to Scotland with the girls permanently, this is something I don't agree with and have been fighting, it's been causing a lot of tension between us

I think these two things are driving factors in how I feel about the children

In my head I think, if the court agrees to let them leave I won't be apart of their lives, so I don't want to make that bond now to have it broken

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:40:10 GMT

We had planned to have our first daughter, we were ready financially, had bought a house etc

However she was born at 33 weeks and it put alot of pressure on us early, hospital for 3 weeks and then a lot of feeding issues and reflux problems for 6 months, she was a baby that cried all the time she was awake, it wasn't a good experience for us, but we did the best we could

For our second, I no longer was attracted to the ex, I never touched her romantically or anything, i was there but not in a relationship. It had probably been a year since I had slept romantically with her, I was out drinking and came home and it happened. It wasn't planned, but not unwanted. I had no intention of leaving as that's not how I was raised

Unfortunately my youngest was born at 32 weeks, again we were under pressure due to this, deja vu in the hospital for weeks again. Only she was an angel of a baby, never cried, always took her bottle, slept through the night from the start. But always in the back of my head was the reflux, colic etc was going to start

The ex dropped the youngest on her head, she tripped over a toy while carrying her....it was an accident but I lost it. She had bleeding on the brain, concussion and was hospitalised for days. Thankfully no permanent damage she's okay now. But I said some horrible things to the ex during and after the moment, was ended only weeks after this

I think these things all play a part in how I feel towards them.

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:45:46 GMT

Hi again,

i totally understand where you are coming from with the issue of her mum and sister being involved in everything. My daughters dad lives with his parents still and although I don't have much to do with them I do feel he as to run everything by his mum. He can't make decisions and when the little one was a baby would double che k everything with her. I have 2 other children, I know what I'm doing. I can understand also your fear of her moving them o/s and not wanting to form a bond to have it broken.

Azbox I do feel for you. Even though you had an undiagnosed condition all this interference from inlaws does not make it easier. I believe couple need to sort their own issues out, not have other family interfering. You're right, it's like being in a relationship with 3 of them, you almost feel ganged up on. I get this.

Have you told your psych all this.

cmf

No attachment to my kids

Mezza87 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:45:50 GMT

First of all congrats on being honest with yourself and ecknowledging your true feelings and the fact you are willing to see a specialist your taking that first step forward . As a child care eduactor for 10 yrs and work with (2-5yr olds ) i have come across parents who have bpd while i do not have bpd from knowledge and working with people i have gained some understanding that it is normal to not consider others and struggle to comprehend reasoning to take on responsibilty plyease dont take this the wrong way i mean this in a non judgemental way . All i can say is consider your girls they will want to build a bond with you there at the most cruical age (first 5 yrs are the most important yrs of there lives it forms there identity , thought patterns, all the knowledge they take in prepares them for life , they need a sence of security from both mother father, primary careers . I would like to suggest arranging time to spend with your children and teaching them about your hobbies as a way to bond then taking interest in there interests , likes ,asking questions about them particually your 4 yr old who at 4 children are very inderpendant and able to understand more about day to day life , know the diffrence between right /wrong , grasp a concept of family , friends . The children will apprechiate it and grow up with memorys of things you did together . When the girls grow up they take on family values , beliefs and they become apart of there generation when they have there familys . Hope this helps please remember i do not mean to put you down in anyway your choice to take it or leave it , i wish you all the best and please stay in contact

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:57:28 GMT

Heya! Yes I've spoken to my previous psych about this, she tells me to fight to the end not to let the children leave the country.

Which I did, it just created a lot of tension and arguments with the ex as she feels they will all have a better life over there

The psych says my BPD took hold shortly after being with my ex, the traits manifested I guess. The relationship was tailor made to bring it out I guess.

I was in a large prison riot, a lot of assaults on myself, and was first on the scene to a prisoner who set himself on fire....all happened in a 6 month period right when my second was born prem. The psych believes this is why I couldn't make that emotional attachment due to the demons I was facing in my head

Im not so sure, but they did cause me a lot of mental and physical pain

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:03:54 GMT

I take no offence as I know I am wrong in the way of thinking I have

I know my girls love me and I'm there world. When Aubrey sees me she comes running for a hug, I'm certainly daddy in her eyes

And while they are here, I spend all the time with them, walks, bike rides out the front, sit with her while she plays ipad

However I find it very stressful, I'm constantly anxious when they are there. By the time they leave I'm mentally and physically drained and I find my levels of irritability and emotional response are in less control then when I do not see them

It takes me a few hours to regain my composure and relax again. They are in no danger or anything I'm just tense and not relaxed with them

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:23:24 GMT

Sorry would like to clarify few things;

I don't blame the ex for my BPD, it's my illness and I'll own it's outcome

The ex is a great mum, and always has their best interests at heart

I do see my kids, usually once a week for a few hours, but currently finding it difficult to want to see them (it's been 11 days since I seen them)

I don't run from my responsibilities, I get anything there mother asks me to get. I'd do anything for them

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:33:45 GMT

Wow, you have been through a lot in a short period of time. The more you share with us the more I can see why things are the way they are for you. I'm certainly no phsycologist but I can why she feels you had trouble forming an emotional attachment. Did you receive counselling after these workplace episodes? Could you have post traumatic stress or anxiety?

sorry, I was under the impression you hadn't seen your girls but it seems you are spending time and doing things with them. Again, well done to you for doing that despite how you are feeling. It's hard enough dealing with young children at the best of times, you are dong your best even though you don't feel like it.

My ex hasn't seen the little one since Xmas day. He did message my yesterday to ask if I was taking her with me for lunch , which I was, but why leave it to the last minute, probably cos he wasn't sure he wanted to see her. You deserve credit for what you ARE doing, focus on those positives and keep up the psych visits to tackle the negatives.

you haven't had an easy time of things, I hope your psych can help you sort through this and you win your fight to keep your girls here. It is clear that you do love them.

keep posting, we are here for you.

cmf

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:45:41 GMT

Sorry to hear your ex doesn't see your child very much, sounds selfish as it's been 3 months between visits for you, and children notice those things

A lot of my colleagues are still off from that riot, I don't believe I have ptsd or anxiety from it, I don't ruminate too much on it. More critical of myself for errors in procedure I made then the horrors of the events we were witness too

My borderline was well set in before the work assaults and fire, but they certainly didn't help and compounded my inability to process how I was feeling. I never took time off and pushed through those incidents

In my head I want to be super dad, always there and calm. But it just isn't there, I feel no attachment, kind of like if I didn't see them again I wouldn't even notice. As horrible as that sounds

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 13:26:39 GMT

Hey, sorry but I just saw your post back to me about your daughters being prem and the dramas etc, sorry I missed it earlier. You took no time off after the work riots etc, you are one strong person.

I think the fact that the sister and mum were always there taking over had had a big impact on you. You've mentioned that you never felt like the main carer/parent. you were pushed out of your role, made to feel not needed/wanted. I don't get attached to other peoples kids, sure I think they're cute and all but they're not mine so I have no feelings toward them - same as thing with you. Your role was taken away.

i can only imagine the stress you must have felt with 2 prem babies and expecting the worst again with the 2nd. All the sleeping and crying issues with the first would put a strain on any relationship. It sounds like there have been so many factors involved to make you feel the way you do. It makes me wonder if I made my ex feel like that but I had no family coming over to help, I was all on my own. He just turned his back on us. He did have his own issues but I never stopped him coming over.

Youre a good person, giving financial support, accepting responsibility ( my ex doesn't, wanted his mum to help me raise the child) helping when you can, and trying your best to spend time with your girls. I think you've hit the nail on the head when say you're worried they'll move o/s and don't want to form too much of an attachment. I hope you win that battle. You are doing everything right by the sound of things. Do you know when the outcome will be decided? Despite all this you still think positively of your ex and her parenting and are doing your best. From what you've said, I think you know why you feel detached .You have a good heart, you've had a lot happen which has caused you to put up walls (unintentionally). I just read up on 'detachment'. Sounds like you're using detachment as a coping mechanism but it's also caused by psychological trauma ie your workplace. Maybe mention to your psych? I hope he/she can help you bring down these walls.

cmf

No attachment to my kids

Mezza87 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 01:50:42 GMT

Totally understandable kids are very energetic and outgoing , it can be easy for adults with medical conditions relating to mental illness it does , at times i come home from work physically exhuasted , hence why im not at work at due to family situation , have you got techniques in place to help you relax , destress ,wind down when kids leave , as the children get older if you and your ex wish to it will be a idea to discuss mental health with the girls not in full details that are going to frighten them just briefly brush over it , that way growing up the girls will have more respect for mental illness .

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:41:20 GMT

Thanks for the reply, heading to the psych tomorrow, it's a first session so not expecting much to come out of it.

I think there's many contributing factor to how I feel about my girls, hopefully I can start to unravel those walls I've put up.

Im not strong for not taking time off, I'm apart of a team and we all needed each other's backs after that riot. The toll for me wasn't felt, not till the ex left when I was alone to think

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:50:22 GMT

I'll typically go to the gym afterwards and take out some energy.

Or hit the heavy bag and pads, I like to box.

I do this to relieve work stress too

At the moment we tell my eldest daddy is sick and doesn't want you to get sick too, that's how we explain to her when I don't want to see them

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 09:02:43 GMT

Heya,

was wondering how you were going. The team is lucky to have you.

boxing sounds good. I feel like punching into a bag at times other times I just need some physical activity to release energy too, I never get the chance much, but can feel when I really need to.

good luck with the psych tomorrow, hope it goes well. Keep us posted. It's good how you explain to your daughter why you haven't seen her. My 4yo talks about her dad but never asks why she hasn't seen him, guess she's used to him not being around.

cmf

No attachment to my kids

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 09:13:22 GMT

It's sad that it becomes so normal for a child to not ask why they don't see their father. I'm sorry that's the relationship yours has.

Im feeling good today thanks, seem to be breezing for the days, other then the detachment from my little ones

No attachment to my kids

CMF — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 12:00:36 GMT

It is sad, but she is a happy little girl and luckily at this stage she doesn't know any different. If anything he is the one missing out but i don't think he even understands that. He used to say kids don't need 2 parents, just a happy environment. Oh well, his loss.

I'm glad that on a day to day basis you get through ok. hopefully with your psych you can sort through the detachment issue but it's good you don't struggle on a daily basis.

No attachment to my kids

Mezza87 — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 08:03:35 GMT

Good choice with boxing gets all the anger and stress out , i to love boxing and find it a positive way to distress , im glad you found a way to tell your daughterb, btw how did your appointment with the pscologist go