topic Does it get better? in Relationship and family issues

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 03:15:40 GMT

My long term partner (over a decade together) left me a month ago. He is struggling with his own issues which he refuses to get help for but said he is lost and needs to separate. I’m really struggling. Im vomiting every morning and am awake at around 4 each morning half asleep and I can’t control the negative thoughts. He’s a completely different person atm and treating me like I’m the worlds worst person and I just want to move on but my brain and body just won’t let me. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I try to eat but can’t keep it down. I feel like a huge burden to everyone around me and it is hugely effecting the rest of my life including work.

I am seeing a psychologist but I don’t seem to be getting any better. Would love suggestions from those that have been there. I have no answers, no closure, came pretty much out of the blue & I haven’t got a stable living situation ahead (only contracted till march and house sitting till jan). I honestly thought I wanted him back but the way I’ve been treated I have no idea why I still do. And I still need to see him regularly for the moment.

Much appreciated.

Does it get better?

geoff — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 22:35:55 GMT

hello Notsorosey, I'm sorry for you to be in this situation, but you won't be able to help this chap when he doesn't want to do it himself.
There must be so many memories that have built up over this decade both good and bad, no different to another r/ship, but sometimes our life takes an unfortunate turn for the worse, this can be caused by different circumstances, some you might know of and certainly some that have been hidden away, either way, it doesn't matter because it will affect how the r/ship will change.
Not only do you have this to worry about, but your job, house sitting to finish and what those around you are doing to help you or the alternative don't know what to do so you feel alone, and many of us have been in the same situation, it's not pleasant and can feel your pain.
At the moment you're in shock and can't believe why this has ever happened, well it may not be anything to do with you, he could be suffering from a mental illness although he's aired his feelings and that never sits well for you.
Now your help is of priority but this isn't going to happen until you find somewhere else to live, what I'm saying is that nothing is going to help you until you can establish other living quarters, and March is still a bit further on and not your immediate concern, because within this time you can then work on yourself and if the psychologist isn't helping you then I suggest going back to your doctor and get them to refer you somewhere else.
All of this needs to be done before you even consider trying to help your partner.
You can still see him but don't let him make comments that are going to upset you if this happens then pull away. Geoff.

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 01:08:33 GMT

Thanks Geoff

I have definitely come to the realization I am not the one to help him. I have gone above and beyond and been so supportive through this even though I didn't want to separate and wanted to work on our relationship and help him but I can't help him while he is treating me like the enemy and making everything so much harder. Even if what he is saying is true and he is no longer in love with me, I could process that, however, treating me like he no longer cares for me after 12 yrs is something I find very hard to swallow. So for my health I am staying away, its just we are selling our house and share 2 dogs. He is not helping and has made it clear I can not help him.

I agree. I think I need to find a place of my own to help start fresh, learn to be independent and alone again. Its been a long time. House sitting is so temporary and not helping my mood when I'm there. It is just each time I feel like I've hit rock bottom the hole gets deeper and I keep falling. I have an appointment tonight so hopefully we can focus on me this time and getting me right. It seems I/we have focused on him in my appointments and how I can help him as I thought helping him would help me but have realised the man I love is gone and even if he was to ask for my help I'm in no state to help anyone. My focus in appointments needs to change to be about me coz the thoughts I have and my will to continue are getting close to the line I do not want to cross.

Does it get better?

geoff — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 18:26:07 GMT

hello Notsorosey, thanks for replying and yes I agree it's now time for you to look after yourself, we always say this to people who are stuck but it's so important that you need all the help and attention you can get.
Can you please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are coping, it's always nice to hear back from those we reply to, but I realise it's not like turning on a light switch, in other words, it doesn't happen straight away I only wish it would, but take each day as it comes and there maybe times when you don't feel well so please hop back and tell us, we are here for you. Geoff.

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Mon, 30 Oct 2017 06:12:14 GMT

I'm now after advise on how others helped themselves move on after a breakup from a long term partner. There is yet to be and may never be closure.
6 weeks later I am still struggling/crippled with fear, anxiety and depression. Would love to know how others have/are managing. I have no answers from him for why he wants to separate except he needs to find himself and that I've done nothing wrong (see my initial post for details). But I am still some how being blamed for everything. I still have to see him semi regularly but have no idea what to say or do as I feel everything will be wrong- spiking my anxiety further.
How long did this 'limbo' last, How much time did you take time off work, how did you find joy in things again, how did you smile honestly again, how did you breathe on bad days?
Hopefully this will help others too.
Thanks heaps

Does it get better?

geoff — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 22:29:01 GMT

hi Notsorosey, I was married for 25 years and then my wife divorced me
I was blamed for this and told it was all my fault, I accepted that to be fact, as I was still in depression and self medicating with alcohol, (not now as I only drink socially) and as much as I never wanted this to happen, I had to accept the blame.
Once our house was sold and my debts cleared up, I was going to purchase a unit but decided to pay rent for a few months, which I'm still doing, but once I lived on my own, had to take care of all the bills/food etc I started to feel better, this doesn't necessarily mean that it was my wife who kept me in depression/drinking, although it seems that way, but my depression lifted.
I was by myself and only had to answer to me, that was a huge difference rather than paying a mortgage, car and all those credit cards had been paid off, all I had to pay was rent, but I got rent assistance which reduced the rent, so I was free.
I had re-established contact with my two sons who were upset all of this happened, so that was what I wanted, plus after a while I contacted my ex.
If anything untoward was said I simply hung up, and had control of my life.
I still talk with her and nothing has changed between us, except we can't live together anymore. Geoff.

Does it get better?

Robbie_A — Tue, 31 Oct 2017 22:54:16 GMT

Hi Notsorosey,

I'm sorry to hear about the horrible situation you are in and I know first hand how tough it is..

In my experience in this type of situation I really had to step back..and really give the other person the space they wanted. I couldn't rescue them or ask them for answers. All it would turn into was a heated argument everytime and then both walk away feeling like crap..

Just try and do your best to be understanding towards them and then be caring to yourself and focus on you,i know it's easier said than done,but we don't always get the outcome we want and it maybe sometimes be the best outcome letting this person go.

I found the less contact I had and the more I distanced myself the more the other person wanted me back or was in more contact which in fact help me make my decision to walk away,because it wasn't out of love it was out of insecurity.

It wasnt an easy decision but it was best for me..

You might just need to give him some solid space and if things can be fixed and made up then great.. But my advice is to just do you for abit and find what makes you happy 😊

You will get there...

Goodluck

Robbie

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Thu, 02 Nov 2017 03:41:40 GMT

Thanks Robbie and Geoff,

Today I'm missing him so much. I feel stupid and embarrassed because I shouldn't based on how much he has changed and how he is treating me and I know deep down I am missing someone who isn't there atm or may never be. I'm such an open person and it's super hard to not have answers from him especially when someone finds out and asks me why he left and I stand there like an idiot with out an answer.

Today is just a day I long for his hug, his presence, his love and I am really looking forward to the days when that doesn't happen anymore. Friends are telling me to make sure he knows what I'm feeling but I'm really not sure he's ready for that. On top of all this our house went on the market yesterday so feeling quite cut and emotional over that too. I just want to stop longing for a man I don't even know is there anymore. Mental health issue or not.

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Mon, 06 Nov 2017 01:44:28 GMT

Just a quick update

Saw him yesterday. He invited me over so I stupidly thought he was ready to talk. Nope he believes he has already said everything that needs to be said and kept saying that its his life, his decision and has nothing to do with me. That he is putting himself and his happiness first for once (even though it's something he has done a lot of this yr). Couldn't grasp the concept that his actions have hurt and effected me as he has ended a relationship which involves 2 people not just him.

Anyway he said a lot of hurtful things that in hindsight he prob didn't mean and as was just trying to 'win' the argument but they did hurt and I had enough. He is manipulating the truth and our experiences together making me out as the villain. I lost it for the first time at him since the split. Got angry and told some truths including how my life has changed because of his choices and refusal to try or get help. Also some truths about how things actually happened. I then told him we are done even though when I left he said all he wants atm is to stay in touch and see where our relationship goes, friends, foe or lovers. I know he needs help but I'm getting too hurt so I'm out. I'm not in a place where I can be friends. I'm also not waiting around. He can't abuse me, tell me to get over it, show no concern about me and yet expect me to stick around while he figures out what he wants.

He did say at the end that he has decided to seek professional help for himself not as a couple as there is no 'us'. He has said this before though and never followed through. I really hope for his sake he does go. He is really starting to behave and sound like his mother which is very scary (she had BPD).

Would love to know your honest feedback ie am i doing the right thing for both me and him, am i over reacting, am I being unreasonable, should I be doing something else?

TIA

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 00:33:24 GMT

Not sure if anyone is still reading my thread but I'm really struggling. its been 2 months and i feel i have just gotten worse.

to top it off i find out he is now drinking a lot and already starting to chat girls up at bars. Am I wrong to feel 2 months is too soon for a 12 yr relationship?

TIA

Does it get better?

geoff — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 01:18:07 GMT

hi Notsorosey, yes of course we are, but now he is showing his true colours, it seems as though you're still being dragged along, I'm so sorry, but the longer he keeps doing this the more you are going to be upset and disappointed, I think you really need to make a final decision, as sad as is it is for you don't be dragged through the mud, again I can't tell you how much this must hurt you. Geoff.

Does it get better?

Croix — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 01:22:52 GMT

Dear Notsorosey~

I've had a read of your posts and am very sorry life has thrown all this at you. The 2 months you talk about is different for you than it is for you ex-partner. In fact you sound a lot like I felt when my partner passed away. Although I'd had plenty of warning that did not seem to make much difference and two months later it was pretty much as if she had just left. Grief, loneliness and self-doubt can take a long time to lessen -unfortunately.

You ex on the other hand wanted out and is not feeling that sense of loss, and has resumed a lifestyle that includes finding someone else -or at least attempting to enjoy female company. I guess it is a reflection of how little the relationship with you meant to him.

From what you have said it is obvious you are not overreacting or being unreasonable and thinking the relationship is over and you are not his support is exactly right.

There was one thing I was very pleased to see - you got cross. I have found that anger is extremely useful. I'm not someone that gets cross often, but when I do it allows me to go a lot further than I normally do and results in some pretty straight talk - as it has with you. This makes me feel better about myself and can fuel sustained activity. The closest I've come to your situation is anger helped me deal long-term with being invalided out of my then occupation due to the effects poor management practices had on me.

I can't say when you life will turn around and your horrible feelings will lessen, I can say my approach was to try to distract myself with work, plus being with family and friends.

Getting perspective is hard

Croix

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 02:15:14 GMT

thanks for replying Geoff and Croix.

the part that touched a nerve was when you said Croix 'I guess it is a reflection of how little the relationship with you meant to him.'

that probably hurts more than anything. left feeling the fool for actually thinking i was in a committed and loyal relationship. How much of our relationship has been a lie? He has also had little sex drive since he started showing signs of depression a few years ago and to now be hitting on women cuts pretty deep. How do i not take that personally? Why does he have to be so hurtful and disrespectful? how does a loving, caring and devoted man change into this?

And then I'm worried about the amount hes drinking lately- still trying to remember its not my concern anymore.

Does it get better?

Croix — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 08:00:13 GMT

Dear Notsorosey~

I'm sorry those words hurt, however I'd imagine part of the hurt is because you feel they may have an element of truth. As for feeling a fool. It is never foolish to be genuine, to love and care and to trust your partner. They all all things you would look for in someone else yourself.

As for how much was a lie, perhaps he changed over the years, how he was 10 years ago is not how he is now. Some people do change after all. I'm afraid there probably no real answers, no matter how much they might help.

Sorting out where to live, as Geoff says, is important, you need your own place. You are taking important steps in realizing you are not his guardian any more - sad though that may be.

Croix

Does it get better?

Doolhof — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 08:57:19 GMT

Hi notsorosey,

Relationships can be very difficult at the best of times, even for those who think everything is going well, they can take a lot of work to keep them on track, be that a couple, a working relationship, friendship or what ever.

When a relationship breaks down, it is very easy to ask those What If questions, Why did that happen and so on.

Would it help you to write down all the rotten stuff that happened in your relationship, than think of all the good things and write those down. Even when we are feeling really bitter about a relationship, deep in our memories there are still some good points hidden there.

My psychologist suggested I write down where I want to be tomorrow, next week and in a year's time. It made me realise that the stuff that I have been dragging around with me does not have to follow me everywhere.

I will never know why my fist husband treated me like a punching bag while he dated other ladies and treated them like princesses! Is that a reflection on me. NO! It is a reflection on him and who he was.

Same for you. Yo are not him, you are you and have the opportunity to be the person whom you desire to be.

Yes it is hard to let go, hard to make sense of everything that has happened, hard to move on. It can be done. Tiny step by tiny step.

Wishing you well in your new journey of working out who you want to be right now and how you are going to get to that place.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Does it get better?

notsorosey — Sat, 16 Dec 2017 13:42:28 GMT

Update: Just hit 3 months since he asked to separate. We just sold the house and will settle in feb.

He has been nicer to me. But we also havent had any meaningful convos or discuss “us” in a long time. I have no idea where he’s at whether ready to end it for good, still not knowing what he wants, or leaning towards trying to work on us. This limbo is crazy hard. We still haven’t closed our joint accounts or anything yet and still sharing dog custody.

I don’t know if I should approach him yet. Also not sure if I should ask him if he wants to come to my mums for Xmas, it’s super informal only me my parents and grandparents and his first with out his MUM (he has no where else).

I am torn whether to ask to finalise our finances because I feel I won’t be able to move on until we are separated in every way or wait for him to ask as he maybe using it to leave the door open. Surely it’s a good sign he hasn’t asked to finalise everything?

On top I finally admitted to myself just how unwell I am, that I need help and have been this way since well before the break up. I was just able to focus on him and not myself. 3 months on and I still don’t want to be here & living for others. This is not just about the separation (trauma & multiple chronic illnesses). I am working on me & in the process of getting a mental health plan.

I still love him and want him back (slowly date etc). I’m now seeing glimpses of the old him but don’t want to a) push too soon but also b) miss my chance.

Advise?

Does it get better?

geoff — Sun, 17 Dec 2017 22:56:16 GMT

hello Notsorosey, well it's not an easy decision to make, and it used to go through my mind many times and I suppose my wife as well.
I would separate your bank accounts, this doesn't necessarily mean that you have told him to go, all it means is that he can then decide what he wants to do, and it gives you the freedom financially to move on where you want to go.
If matters change where he does make an incredible change then you can hook up together again, but even if this happens, I suggest that you still have a private account only in your name. Geoff.