topic "One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now? in Relationship and family issues

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 07:51:19 GMT

I decided to make a this post because i just finished reading a post by a young woman who had her first experience being used by a guy. Many of the posters said encouraging, comforting things AND many of them also said something to the effect of "someone will come along who appreciates you", "one day it will happen i promise" and "when you least expect it you'll find love". I'm so angry when people say this because sometimes it's not true. And it makes people like me feel even worse about ourselves because if most people find love after many bad experiences, then there really must be something wrong with me, because i still haven't.

I'm 32, so i have maturity to help me in these experiences. I'm good looking and outgoing and friendly (not that that matters at all). I'm educated and reasonable and have researched many different approaches to interacting with men. Yet not a single guy i have ever engaged with has ever wanted anything more from me than using me for sex just a few times (if i'm lucky) or just once if i'm not.

I have tried soooo many different approaches - i've tried meeting people organically, meeting them online. I have been on dozens of dates. I have tried being clear about what i want. I have tried being more relaxed and 'going with the flow'. I have tried setting boundaries. I have tried just living in the moment and appreciating someone's company. I have tried being elusive. I have tried being upfront. I have tried not caring. I have tried with wildly different men from different walks of life, and different appearances. Not a single man that i have been interested in has ever been interested in me. Sometimes they are upfront about it after a date. Sometimes they lead me on for sex. Sometimes they deliberately lie (for sex).

How do i cope with this? Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. I have tried so many other avenues for finding happiness but realised in my early 30s that all i really wanted was to give love, be loved, and have the chance at having a family. And still people lie and tell me "it will happen". If they'd told me that 10 years ago, i'd have believed them. If they told me that 5 years ago, i'd still have believed them. But now, it's proven to be false.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Peppermintbach — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 08:52:17 GMT

Hi prairievolve,

I found your post very moving, which was why I wanted to respond. You sound (understandably) disheartened and very frustrated. Especially as you have clearly been very open minded and tried multiple dating approaches to no avail; it must have been very disappointing.

I doubt this will make you feel much better but sometimes I feel people say things like “you’ll meet someone”, etc, etc, it’s said with good intentions. I think some people say it to comfort and especially those who have been more fortunate when it comes to love might genuinely believe it, never mind, the reality that not everyone is quite as lucky in the love department. Of course, I get that me saying that probably doesn’t help you at all.

I wonder if it would help to plan ahead for multiple “futures” for you. Say, plan for a future with a partner and plan for a future one without a partner as well. Sorry, I’m not trying to upset you but I think maybe if you can sort of plan ahead for multiple possibilities for the future, you might find it helpful.

Purely as an example, you could create a loose future plan for a life with a hypothetical partner that could include a, b and c. Then maybe you could also plan a future without a partner where you include ideas for you to enrich your life in other ways e.g. volunteering, etc. I guess the point is to sort of be somewhat prepared for multiple future possibilities.

Sorry, I realise you may not find my suggestions helpful and that’s okay of course. I thought that I would put them out there anyway...it’s entirely up to you if you want to take them on board or not.

I will leave you with the words of another BeyondBlue member that I read a while back that I feel might resonate with you:

I don’t want to insult your powers of observation and intellect and tell you that you will meet someone just to shut you up so I don’t have to deal with your emotions of being alone and lonely. Clearly when we look around at everyone we know it has/will not happen to all of us. Our culture tells us it will, that we just have to be patient. I think what’s so sad and what irritates me about our society is that when you aren’t in a relationship there is very little connection, affection, intimacy, touch and community at all. Social isolation is it’s own cancer, and I feel like we have completely messed up our society.

- Cornstarch

Caring thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

quirkywords — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:10:29 GMT

Prairievole,

Welcome to the forum.Thanks for sharing your story so honestly.

I will not say you will find someone because no one ever knows for sure.

I can feel your frustration.There isn't anything wrong with you . I am sorry you have had so many bad experiences. I can understand why you get annoyed when people say you will meet someone who appreciates you. Many women and men can relate to what you have experienced.

I am nearly double your age and I am on my 3rd major relationship. The first two , I accepted even though I knew they were not suitable for me, because I did not think I could do better . I had low standards because I did not think I deserved better. In Hindsight if I had waited rather than rushing things may have been different. I did not have your common sense and self worth.

I met my present partner in my 50s at a time when I had given up on meeting someone as most of the men my age wanted much younger women. I used to think it was so easy for younger women.Now I realise it can be difficult for people of all ages.

I wont say it will happen that you will meet someone special but there is a possibility it could happen.

Are there other things in your life that your are passionate about- your job, a cause, something else that gives your life meaning?

I am glad you have spoken honestly about your experiences.

Quirky

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:36:36 GMT

Thank Pepper. I liked the quote you gave at the end - very realistic. And about your suggestion to plan for different futures. I would only ever plan for the future i know i will have - which is being alone (because a future with someone is impossible in my opinion). But that where the problem is. I have no interest in life if can't have the only thing that makes me happy. Nothing else interests me or makes me happy or content. Literally nothing. I am completely bored with life and i can't wait for it to just end.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:40:15 GMT

Thanks Quirky. Thats the problem - i literally have no interest in anything in life - the loneliness and sadness has tainted everything. At least you had 2 other failed relationships. I would give anything to have any kind of relationship with someone even if it was a bad one, but no one will have me.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

White_Rose — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:47:31 GMT

Dear Prairievole

Hello and welcome. I was saddened by your post because I know how lonely it can be on your own. And yes it is irritating to be told "There's someone just for you" and variations on that theme. Well we know it's said with good intentions and I sometimes wonder what the person is thinking when they say this.

But to other matters. I often wonder what has attracted someone to another. I look at couples and try to understand what keeps them together. I suppose in a way it's similar research to yours. One of the discoveries I think I have made is how each partner functions away from the other. It seems to me that the most happy/secure couples are comfortable in their own skin. There is no fretting when the other person moves away to talk to someone else. There is no need to claim the other. They appear to have a radar for each other so that if one person needs to leave, wants to speak etc, the other is immediately available.

Of course part of that is getting to know each other on their marriage journey. I think the mechanism between two people starts with each one being a confident person, each having their own sense of self worth, each happy with their lives. Now I am not trying to romanticise a relationship because it does take work to get to this stage.

You have tried hard to be the person you think others want you to be and you have tried all the variations of that process. It hasn't worked because inside you feel insecure and needy. So the good blokes talk and leave, the unkind blokes use you for their own purposes and then leave. This is so devastating for you, the person who wants to give and receive love, being treated in this fashion. It's cruel and unkind.

What do you like doing? I presume you have a full time job, what is it you do? When you leave work what do you do? All the research in the world cannot find that partner because you are too busy looking at the man who appears more attractive. (Attractive as in personality, not looks)

It seems to me you have little self confidence and you are prepared to give up what you do have to please the other. This will never work. Can you work on your own self confidence? Go out and do what you enjoy. If you are a person who likes being in a group, join something. Be interested in the other. If asked you can talk about your activities/skills/interests. Be able to toss the conversational ball back and forth.

I would like to continue this conversation with you. What do you think?

Mary

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Guest_1584 — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 10:03:43 GMT

Hi ya prairie.

Damn , sorry you've had such a run , a guy here by the way. l'm thinkin maybe trying all this different stuff might even be part the problem. l know you said you've also gone with the flow , but yaknow , maybe just go on with life for however long and just do your thing , live for you, might've been pushing it a bit too hard.

But anyway hey , they might be right yet , never know it probably just hasn't come along yet your only 32 and it sounds like you have heaps going for you .

Anyway l'd just chill out on the whole deal perminately if l was you , live life and do whatever you like doing , you've go plenty of time yet. And when you do meet someone , use your judgement and take your time , don't go jumping in. There's not really any need to say anything much about things you've talked about, well unless convos flow into all that which they normally do eventually but in the meantime just spend some time with him and get to know him a bit , everything comes out over time and you'll see what you need to as you go. Whether it be just one date and no thanks or you wanna get to know him more.

l think the best thing you could do is just things like that and chillax a bit .

Good luck with everything and don't forget to enjoy life eh.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 06:22:57 GMT

Hi Mary. I didn't find your post helpful but i'm happy to continue the conversation with you. First of all, the assumption that a person needs to love themselves and be totally confident in order to find love has been widely criticised by mental health experts for how demeaning and unhelpful it is - not to mention ludicrous - because there are many people who get into relationships while they have depression, body positivity issues or self esteem issues.

Secondly, i already explained that i have no passions in life and pretty much no interest in anything in my replies to Peppermintbatch and Quirkywords. But no, i am not lacking interest in life because i too focused on finding meaning in life through a man, as i have done and tried MANY different things in life, including extensive travel around the world (solo and on tours), university education, moving to a new town away from ANY friends and family (multiple times), joining sporting groups, joining activities that i have never tried before, participating in MeetUp social events, cultivating my own garden, volunteering with a local environmental group, renovating and decorating including learning basic carpentry skills to build some of my own furniture.

And yes, i am prepared to give up what i do to please the other, because in doing so i please myself and i get what i want and what i need. I am prepared to be selfless. I enjoy giving to others. But don't go thinking that is what has scared these men away. i am a 21st century woman and i don't act like a doormat.

As well as trying to be what the other wants me to be, I have certainly tried being myself unashamedly. Yes i can talk to the other about lots of things - politics, travel, art, tv and movies, ideas, philosophy, sport - you name it. (And just because i can talk extensively about these things, doesn't mean they give me any pleasure in life or a reason to live).

I'm actually not asking for a solution to the problem because there is no solution. What i actually asked is how to cope with a life that i have no interest in.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 06:28:20 GMT

Thanks Randomx. I certainly will chillax a bit now as i have no intention of ever dating again because i can't take the pain anymore. Unfortunately in the mean time i can't just enjoy life because i absolutely hate life and am so incredibly bored with life that i don't know how i will cope with the next mind numbing and unsatisfactory 50 years.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

White_Rose — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 07:55:04 GMT

My apologies Prairievole.

I will consider myself told.

Mary

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Birdy77 — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 08:48:27 GMT

Hello Prairievole,

Mary was offering you support. Sometimes things don't particularly help, but her intention was kindness, which is why so many of us come here to these forums, for understanding and a friendly helping hand. If something isn't helpful or doesn't resonate with your situation, maybe try to ignore that part.

This also may not be helpful to you, but I'll go out on a limb and say that i liked randomx's suggestion of trying to go with the flow, my experience was that it was only when i let go of the pre-occupation with finding a partner that it eventually happened for me, and that wasn't until i was 35.

I can't answer your question, but we all have different experiences which is all we can really share.

Birdy

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Juliet_84 — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 09:29:50 GMT

Prairievole,

At the risk of incurring your wrath, I'm going to offer my two cents, you can choose to disregard them as you see fit.

There's a quote that has always resonated with me that I would like to share "people will forget what you say or did, but they'll never forget the way you make them feel". The same is true of relationships, we're all looking for something, be it acceptance, etc in another person, someone to make us feel validated. And that feeling is something that can't be manufactured. I understand that you are unhappy and discontent with your lot in life, I suspect a lot of us are on this forum, but perhaps you could try being the person that you want in your life for someone else, be it a friend, relative.

Like the others, I don't think you should have to sacrifice who you are to get someone or pretend to be something you're not. I know that you sincerely believe that a relationship will make you happy, but the sheer number of people posting about relationship problems on here should tell you it may not be the cure-all you think it might be.

As far as coping with a life you have no interest in, I always find that having a pet can offer a lot of benefits. Loving and caring for something, getting out and about on walks, etc may be something beneficial (if you can have them where you are)? Other than that, sometimes you have to fake it til you make it - don't have any interests or hobbies, try something new, it might be a waste of time but it might not be, and it won't hurt you either way. I worry that even if a relationship came along right now, you might not be in the right headspace should it end, which is a realistic consideration for any new relationship.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 09:47:27 GMT

Even if someone's intention is to be helpful, if what someone says is hurtful and downright untrue, you definitely have the right to say so. Especially when it may make them think about and critically evaluate what they have said.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

prairievole — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 09:53:22 GMT

Oh and i appreciate your suggestion of 'not being preoccupied' with it as a suggestion. What i didn't mention in my original post was that i was at all concerned about relationships until I was 27 - to the extent that i actually didn't even lose my virginity till I was 27 because i was getting on with life and 'trusting' that it will happen when it happens'. So i actually spent 10 years not being preoccupied with it. And still nothing happened. Why are people so afraid to say to someone "i'm sorry that you got dealt a bad hand in life"? Why do people always have to say that the situation will probably change? Is it so they don't have to admit that not everyone gets a happy ending?

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Birdy77 — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 10:46:37 GMT

Prairievole,

I wasn't suggesting you were preoccupied, i said i had been. I was just offering my experience.

All the best.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Quercus — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 14:29:14 GMT

Hi Prairievole,

Wow. This is an agressive thread. I'm not delicate though so am just going to jump in.

What concerns me most is this...

I can't just enjoy life because i absolutely hate life and am so incredibly bored with life that i don't know how i will cope with the next mind numbing and unsatisfactory 50 years.

That is so sad to read. No wonder you appear to be so angry and disappointed.

Not feeling any enjoyment or pleasure in life is a significant problem. More than a lack of relationship in my mind. Have you visited a medical professional for a diagnosis and a support plan?

I'm not going to touch on the relationship stuff except to ask this... It is a hard question but one I believe is important.

If you met a man who seemed to have it all (handsome, smart, financially secure, articulate etc) but he seemed to have given up on living would you give him a chance?

I wouldn't. Sex maybe. But not a relationship.

Why? Because I don't want that responsibility. I can't be someone's reason to live and find enjoyment in life. That is way too much to ask.

I apologise if you find this cruel. I'm being pretty blunt here. But in my mind there is nothing you have described about yourself that is unlovable. What is unappealing is that you sound like you don't care. About life or yourself.

That is very sad because a lot of these feelings are familiar to me (and I have had major depression for a very long time). And with the correct management I feel a bit better.

It's not hopeless. Even if it feels that way. Lashing out at people trying to help you is understandable but all it achieves is isolating you more. The one who loses from this is you.

Please take care of yourself Prairievole.

Nat

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

james1 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 00:17:55 GMT

Hey prairievole,

I honestly think that life's just one big lucky draw. From genetics to the place we are born, to the type of upbringing to the random weather events to the people we meet...if there ever was a slapdown on gambling, it's gotta come down hard on life in general.

Sometimes you can do everything you think you're meant to do and still come out worse for wear.

I think we can always do more but, as you've said, putting up with zero luck can get pretty darn tiring. I had a million and one things get in the way of uni and I've just walked away from it. I don't want to deal with that right now even though it was what I held up forever as my ideal work - research.

I might get back into it later, or I might not. I'm trying to find something else instead.

So to answer your question about how to deal with a life in which you can't get the one thing you want: don't shut it out, but also don't shut other things out either.

It's like poker. You've been dealt bad hand after bad hand. If you keep folding, you'll lose. Eventually, you've gotta bluff your way back to the top.

James

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Guest_1584 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 02:08:29 GMT

Yeah , l can see where your at prairie l'm living it too . Well the life side of things anyway and feeling a relationship is the only thing l want.

l was married but since all that nothings worked out and l just want to be with someone again , that's the life l want now . l have a lot of crap going on. Working , trying to get ahead, bills. zero interest in any of that garbage and it never ends, but if l don't do it l'd be out so l guess it has to be done but only this morning l asking myself as l walking out the door to work , why? there's only me, well l have a daughter but she's with her mum mostly we see each other all the time but she's not staying at all lately. But in my life itself, there's only me and so l just think what the hell , how am l in this.

l have no interest in other parts of life though. l try to make myself do things on the weekends , because if l don't l'll just hang out here on my own , but l have no interest. there's nothing excites me or makes me wanna get up and out there, not even things l normally enjoy. l can get into renovating but everythings up in the air with the house l bought right now and l'm not sure if l'll stay so whether reno's will be worthwhile but even if l do , not being able to share even that one thing with anybody just kills the fire anyway.

lt's weird , l've never been like this before.

A bike might excite me , but l don't have a spare 10 or 20k right now but l feel l would enjoy riding again even if alone , be nicer with my women on the back though.

l myself dunno how to get fired up either or whether to even bother.

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

white knight — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 11:59:10 GMT

Hi Prairievole

Coping? How do we cope with being alone, lonely, angry, ?

In my opinion, we should analyze the social world in which single people are subjected to, in order to make sense of this.

Drugs of all types is the core of activities now. Non commitment is in vogue as is the easy way of leaving a partner. When beyond 30yo eligible possible partners are usually divorcees with children, which might not be a choice of yours. Limited social venues.

So when is the result of all this- limited opportunity with many non committed attitudes. This means you end up questioning yourself.

And thats the first thing to combat, to cease blaming yourself. The next challenge is to regain your will to keep going. Get up and dust yourself off and get on with it.

Eg Computer dating. My daughter met a guy 6 years ago, they married last June. It can work. The beauty of such a system of dating is that you eliminste many that arent what you are looking for. Compatibility is crutial.

You chuck bad attitude rocks in the river, you be nice to people trying to help you and you choose best ways to seek answers to why you arent meeting the right guys. And you keep getting up....and up....and up.

Thats how you cope.

Tony WK

"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?

Guest_1584 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 12:53:44 GMT

Great advice wk.

Cheers. rx