topic Exhaustion in Relationship and family issues

Exhaustion

james1 — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 11:26:22 GMT

Hello all,

Feeling pretty miserable right now and don't know where to turn but...just looking for a bit of moral support. A pick me up, if you will.

Been in a relationship with a lovely person for about 5 months. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I won't go into detail because it's kind of irrelevant.

Just ended tonight. Not exactly mutual, but it was something I had been thinking about as well and we both knew it was going to be a make-or-break.

I'm just pretty exhausted because I tried really hard when I saw there was a lot of potential for a long term relationship. But in the end, she didn't feel like she could continue on because of my on-going battle with fear of abandonment, which basically leads me to do things which can feel like emotional manipulation. And even if it subsided, it would be a constant fear in the back of her mind, and she didn't think it would ever go away.

So we've parted ways amicably. I'm super sad about this. And pretty devastated that it came about because I haven't been able to control my BPD traits completely. I understand where she's coming from though. It just hurts.

😞

James

Exhaustion

Guest_5218 — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 11:35:32 GMT

Hi James. Of course it hurts! I'm really sorry it ended that way, but I hope you can and will remain friends.

Its not an easy task for our partners to deal with our MH issues. In fact sometimes I think it may be harder for them in some ways than it is for us. Are you still working on overcoming the issue of your fear of abandonment, perhaps with your psych? It would be nice to think that we can change for the better, learn from our mistakes, fix our known faults. Unfortunately it doesnt work quite that way. But James dont give up looking for another partner, it sounds like this particular lady was just not 'the one'. When the right lady comes along, they will see past your issues, and be prepared to accept you for the beautiful caring human being that you are.

It's going to hurt for ages, make no mistake, but hang in there.

Sherie xx

Exhaustion

james1 — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 11:49:03 GMT

Thanks Sherie. I said it would be nice to catch up again at some point down the track. Don't know if it'll happen, but we did make a good team and had lots of fun doing things together. I just think we probably would've made better friends than being joined at the hip. The immovable parts of our personalities just clashed a bit too much.

Yeah, it was definitely hard on her. She put it pretty well - the relationship just wasn't going to be fair on her and wasn't fair on me. It wasn't something she ended up wanting to deal with and I think it just took a little bit of time for her to come to the realisation that it would always be a persistent thought.

I am trying to work on it, but...yeah. It's quite disheartening having this happen for the third time in a serious relationship, and quite a few times in the dating phase.

James

Exhaustion

Guest_5809 — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 12:12:34 GMT

Big giant hugs to you James. Of course it hurts to lose someone we care about. At least you took a chance and will remain friends. Great relationships are based on the greatest friendships. Keep strong. Xx

Exhaustion

Peppermintbach — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 12:28:18 GMT

Hi James,

I hear the sadness, heartache and disappointment in your words. You're hurting...

Breakups sting immensely or I suppose some people go numb too. I guess my point is they are horrendous to experience, either way.

Hey, you gave the relationship your best shot, given who you are, given who she is and given your MH struggles. You did your best and that's all one can ever do. Sure, I realise saying that doesn't take away your pain and loss but I'm trying to say, hey, you tried. There's merit in effort and good intentions.

I have no advice or words of wisdom and somehow I doubt that's what you're after. Just know that I'm thinking of you. Cry if you need to. Whip out the ice-cream bucket if need be. Do whatever you need to do to grieve the relationship.

Sending Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

Exhaustion

Quercus — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 14:33:16 GMT

Hi James,

I wish I had advice... I don't.

Asked my psychiatrist about the fear of abandonment this week in psychotherapy and he just gave me a question in return...

What makes you feel like you're not worth sticking around for?

I couldn't answer this either. I've been married for 5 years,we have 2 kids and constantly think it's only a matter of time before he gives up on me. It sucks. Horrible defeating feeling. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Glad you'll stay friends though.

Not helpful I'm sorry. I'll just sit here with you and keep you company.

Nat

PS New avatar? Who is this kitty? My son would catnap him/her in a heartbeat for cuddles.

Exhaustion

White_Rose — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 19:15:20 GMT

Hello James

So very sad for you. It's so hard when you have worked hard to make this relationship be successful and then it falls apart. I'm also sad you believe it's due to your MI. It may well be true that some of your characteristics pose some difficulties in relationships but that is not the whole you. You write here with such intuitive responses which I believe also come from your MI and for someone to say one part of you means she cannot cope with you is a bit bit of a facer.

I guess we have all gone through this in our lives. Doesn't help you James does it. But it does show we have been hurt in the same manner and lived to fight another day. Meanwhile, you do terrific things here and we very happy you came along.

Mary

Exhaustion

james1 — Sat, 30 Sep 2017 07:06:42 GMT

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. I do agree and think we both gave it our respective best go's, and that's probably the most disappointing part. We both really wanted, and knew how, to make it work. Just...one thing which I'm trying to work on ended up getting in the way. And it's the same thing that broke down my previous ones as well.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself right now. The concept of having to find things to fill out my spare time on my own, yet again, is just...blargh.

Mental health wise, I don't think I've started going down that path yet, but I do worry about going down a different path to the same place. Previously it was a lot of negative self talk. Now it's...defeat. I'm trying to focus less on that though. I have a party we were meant to host tomorrow, so it'll just be me hosting now. I'm going to go ahead with it and hope it goes alright. It's just 7 of my friends.

Quercus - ha, no the cat was from a cat cafe in Japan. And I don't know the answer to that as well. I just know it's my internal truth that people just can't keep a hold of me in their mind. It might not even be to do with me. It could just be that other people are untrustworthy. But I suspect it's both.

Mary - Thanks, I do think that I do get some benefits from my 'personality disorder', but it is just frustrating that the other parts can cause such issues. I think it's just tricky because I don't want to blame it, but at times it just feels like I have zero control. And when that happens, it's hard to see a brighter future.

James

Exhaustion

White_Rose — Sat, 30 Sep 2017 08:08:58 GMT

Hello James

I do hate it when I'm feeling good and something zooms in from left field and rips me apart again. I don't even see it coming.

If I remember correctly you have BPD. I thought there were specific programs which had been developed to treat this. Have you been involved in any of these? I am unsure what they are but your psych should know.

If it's any consolation I think all our MI can have a disastrous effect on relationships. I think someone mentioned on another thread that sometimes MI is harder on a partner than the unwell person. What do you think? I suppose we at least can feel it while for others it's reading signs and hoping to do the right thing. Still it's hard to feel your relationships can be lost because you have an illness that is hard to treat. Whoops, not offended are you James? My tact is not fully functional today.

When I left my marriage I decided I would never be involved with anyone again. I could not see how I could trust anyone and I think that included me. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the yes sir, no sir, life I had. Not enjoyable but not alone. Then I think "What are you talking about? Look at how much nicer your life is now". I think I have used up all my tolerance for living with someone.

James you are a great bloke. I am often in awe when I read your posts, such sensitivity and insight. Maybe this is the answer. Writing to others and seeing how many times your words have been helpful must be good. Looking at someone's difficulties from the outside can help us to see ourselves more clearly.

Mary

Exhaustion

Guest_1584 — Sat, 30 Sep 2017 22:44:27 GMT

Hi James ,

Sorry things didn't work out again, l've also just split with my gf and l suspected she might've been bhp.

Had such hopes for us we had so much that it was even looking like divorce and whole lives had all worked to bring us together. But thing thing with her , l just couldn't find a way of dealing with it.

So l was wondering , how would you describe your problems with her , how did they come out , what sort of things would happen and mess things up ?

Was there anything , or responses , or any way to handle you she could have done to make it better for you and put you at eases . help you get on top of the out bursts or whatever your thing was ?

Any details would be great if you felt like it.

How did the party go ,hope you had some fun.

Cheers

Exhaustion

james1 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 00:10:16 GMT

Hello Mary

Yes, I've done different therapies and they've been very good for me in the last year. I honestly do think I've gotten a lot better at managing certain things, and I think that's why the title of this thread ended up being exhaustion. My previous responses probably would've ended up in a different thread with a different name, but I was just feeling pretty down and out.

No, not offended at all. I think there are certain things about me that I will not be able to change, but I will keep trying. The main thing is that I'm realistic about it with people I know and just go from there. I know I'll be beaten about mentally by it all, but that's for another day to think about. At the moment, it's just about how to re-settle back into a routine and set of habits I think.

I think it's funny you say you've used up your tolerance for living with others. In many ways, I wonder whether my "ideal person" would actually be someone who would be open to living in separate houses, just to have that space, haha.

Thanks for the compliment. It is nice to hear.

Hello randomx

We mostly found that I would go cold on her on small things like not being invited to things, not sticking by an original schedule to meet or rescheduling. Sometimes there would be external things like a movie we watched or stuff like that. Mostly, I could contain my coldness because I could feel it - other times I didn't know it was happening - and other times still, it wasn't happening, but she was afraid it was.

We agreed to make sure that within the next 24 hours we would talk about it and we actually stuck to that agreement. It just got very tiring and didn't feel worth it.

Does that help answer your question?

I think we all have our tolerance levels for behaviour we do not like. It sounds like your girlfriends' behaviours exceeded your tolerances and those are the hardest times because you know you should break up, but you don't want to. But to keep going will be even harder.

James

Exhaustion

white knight — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 00:35:36 GMT

Hi James.

With relationships we cant generalise. Your thought that maybe someone living "separate from you might work" is a reaction from a few past relationships but the next relationship might not be anything like the past ones.

Im in a happy marriage. The reasons this one works compared to the last 3 is these reasons- she has depression, we love animals together and weve known each other 30 years (married 6).

In your case with your latest partner its likely a good thing it ended as her resilience wwasnt there and that tolerance is necessary. As sad as it is.

Time will heal. For future relationships look for empathy, tolerance and someone that doesnt look for perfection. Someone aware of their own imperfections.

They are out there. The question is "are they worthy of you...warts and all"? For your positives are what deem you worthy, not your faults.

Tony WK

Exhaustion

james1 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 00:42:12 GMT

Hey Tony,

That is a fair point, thank you.

I've always been one who tries to quell wishful thinking about what I want in a partner, and instead try to see whether the relationship I'm in at the time is what I want. It's generally served me well, up until I hit that brick wall.

But then again, I've only just gotten the tools to start chipping away at that wall in the last 9 months.

So perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've made mistakes, like everyone, and trying to make things better.

James

Exhaustion

Quercus — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 03:53:20 GMT

Hi James,

Hope you're keeping busy doing things you enjoy to do. How are you feeling?

I had a thought today when I read your post about living seperately. I lose myself in a relationship. Lose my sense of self and 'me'. When you wrote about needing plans and getting upset at changes I thought "yes!" that's me too.

I get all angry at hubby and confused about what I want because I get so caught up in doing what he wants and get mixed up about myself.

Noone wins because he gets exhausted at me needing his approval and mood swings.... and I freak out thinking he is going to leave and try harder.

So my plan... just do what I enjoy. Don't have any idea if it will make us happier but it will make me happier.

What makes you feel happy James?

Exhaustion

Guest_1584 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 11:18:24 GMT

Gday James.

Thanks for the detail mate very appreciated . So you sound like a totally different bpd than my gf ,hell l wish that's how she got l could handle that.

l wonder if with a different personality in a gf with you , would give you a totally different sense of security of the right kind and then perhaps you wouldn't get the symptoms . Does it work like that ?

l often wondered with my gf ,if a different personality would put her at ease/ Your gf was lucky you basically just froze her out , l could handle that. Mine would go right off and start spitting pure fire ,nasty stuff , and in the end she'd end up telling me to eff off, only not quite a politely as that. Few daus and she would love me again like no other , but it was all my fault .

l noticed a bit of a pattern. We;d be our usual selves for wks and wls and the passion and love was almost unbearable, most powerful thing l've ever experienced and we'd also just get along like two people just made for each other in perfect zinc . Our whole ting was off any chart l've ever experienced .

But then she might start making a jab or two and the next day another. She'd just come out with some point blank insult , just blurt it right on out , things you would never really say to a bf . Over a wk there might be say 10 or so times, but everything else would be great , and then she'd implode .

Although her ex h was a totally different person to me but yet it sounded to me in between the lines , she did the same with him.

l don't know if it was bpd , l'd never heard of it , my doctor friend actually told me that it sounded like it and gave me all this reading and a check list.

l tried the calm approach , didn't work , lost it in return a few times because l'd been getting jabbed at for a wk before hand usually , didn't work .

One thing that did help was l started saying a few things when she was good, l'd remind her she called me this or that for a wk , or that she imploded at me.

Sometimes then , a few days later , she'd just come out of the blue and explain what she meant or why she said it , even though she;d totally acknowledged it at the time / There was no justifying this stuff but hey , l still thought that was progress haha.

Mind you , she was also the gutsiest ,most passionate and incredible person l've ever known as well and l'd marry her tomorrow if only l could find a way with this thing of hers.

Anyway , thanks again and enough of my dribble.

How's things going for you , how are you holding up, do you think you've done the right thing ?

It amazes me that you acknoledge you stuff and that your aware of exactly what you do .

Exhaustion

Guest_1584 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 11:27:02 GMT

dis acknowledged it at the time , sorry.

Exhaustion

james1 — Tue, 03 Oct 2017 23:32:00 GMT

Hello Quercus

Yeah, I agree that we often forget to do the things that make us happy. It's weird because by extension, us being happy is what'll make the other person happy. But that's hard to see sometimes when anxiety takes over.

I'm doing a similar thing but it's hard for me to understand the difference between putting myself first and just outright being selfish.

I honestly don't know the answer to that. I have so many hobbies. It'll be a while, I think, before I figure out which ones I really like to do, and which ones just pass the time. Maybe none of them, haha. Still, I'm just doing them and hoping that I'll figure it out over time.

Hello randomx,

BPD is a collection of symptoms so every person with BPD will be at least slightly different, and possibly very different. Especially since we're also all at different levels of controlling our particular symptoms.

I think it's hard to say but certainly the personality of the partner would affect how we see things. At the same time, her way of acting out would be different to mine. I don't think I'd do that to anybody because I get afraid when I do that. Just as your girlfriend might be afraid of not acting out in a bigger way.

I think it's hard to "find a way" to manage how your ex gf acts. Only she can tell you what she needs, and then you need to decide whether that suits you or not. It's very stressful being in a push-pull situation like that, for both of you. And I think it's unfair on both of you to continue it, but it's always hard to just leave something which, at times, is amazing.

I dunno. It takes a great deal of work to get to a point where she can confidently tell you what she needs and you can confidently accept or decline. If either one of you is not fully committed - and it sounds like she's struggling to find that - it'll never work.

Thanks. It's upsetting but I do need to work on things to get what I want.

James

Exhaustion

Guest_1584 — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 04:46:01 GMT

Thanks James. And sorry l thought you were much older , unless l've got the wrong James haha, still sorting around here.

The committing thing you would be spot on. Only she was absolutely full on and ready to rumble, was form day one. We had this huge thing ,that was obvious to us both in seconds of meeting, bigger than my ex wife or her ex h. You've probably never had it yet but believe me love at first sight, thought, anything , everything, does exist. You just know.

But the problem was she'd always say l was wishy washy and avoiding and not willing to go for it. But she was ready to fly day one and my hold back frustrated the hell out of her. But my problem was,although on one hand l knew how l felt in seconds, on the other, l;'d also just come out of divorce and very wary , especially seeing weird personality traits a few days after meeting her. So there was a lot of caution and hold back there.

The other thing was we were long distance, very , different countries when she went home. And again from divorce , l was still recoverijng big time financially and at times l had to cancel visits , just couldn't afford it. But it'd usually been mths since we last were together and we'd made all these plans and just couldn't wait , but then l'd have to cancel. It really really hurt her.

She'd done huge things for me and for us, she was always trying and coming up with things, she even sold her unit and moved to the other side of the US to be 6hours flight closer to me here.l couldn't even talk some of the things she did for us.

And so , she was very very frustrated with me , and hurt, and starting not to trust my real feelings because she'd done al this stuff but yet l'd cancel visits and thing, l was also hold backish quite a bit.

l often think maybe she didn't even have bpd , maybe she just had a short fuse and with all my effg her around , yknow , popped .

She'd also been almost destroyed form he ex , so what she really needed from me was to feel secure and loved .

So l just dunno.

Exhaustion

Guest_1584 — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 06:43:18 GMT

Sorry btw James , l've detracted from your thread again.It's just our sitch was very complicated.

l did mean to add also though too , l'd imagine being so aware of your issues so young would give you a very very good fighting chance and l think with the right girl you'll be able to have a normal happy relationship one day. Few hick ups but over all, so don't give up eh.

How are you going with the break up situation. ?

Exhaustion

james1 — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 23:48:52 GMT

Hey randomx,

I'm 25, haha, so still a spring chicken as far as some people are concerned. Or ancient, depending on how old you are 😛

Yeah reading your situation...I am honestly not surprised how it turned out. She still had a lot of baggage from her previous relationship that made her want something specific from the relationship with you. And ditto, you were still wary from the break up. Sometimes these things can't be helped - relationships always change us - but it's good to be mindful of them and to try and be open about your intentions and reasons for acting certain ways.

We're going through an on-off phase it seems. I'm trying to stay open minded and not think too much about it. I know the same issues will come up again, but perhaps we'll be better prepared to tackle them then. For the moment, just trying to take things day by day and mostly focus on myself.

My bird flew away on Sunday as well so that kind of compounded everything. But I'll find another bird and bond with them.

James