topic Why bother in Relationship and family issues

Why bother

April61 — Thu, 31 Aug 2017 23:49:04 GMT

My husband walked away from our marriage in November after nearly 18 years together. I never saw it coming. He said a whole heap of nasty things. I just took it all and never retaliated we have gone through the courts for our settlement and I thought things would get better. In April my daughter and I got an intervention order as he verbally and physically assulted her. He has been verbally abusing me since this all started. I cannot get my head around how someone can change like he has. I went back to court yesterday to have the intervention order changed. He did not turn up but sent a letter. The judge read his letter but I was not allowed to say what he had done. In the last week we discovered he was accessing my daughters emails and then on Tuesday he wiped he phone. She was using his old iPhone The one thing I have discovered is that our court system sucks. I fully understand why people get murdered. It is just not worth all the effort when he walks away from everything he has done with no consequences I just can't get past this I know I need to get on with my life for my daughters sake but it is so hard I can't stop crying it turns out he had some one else who was supposedly my friend as well I have stopped talking to friends as I just get the feeling they all are sick of hearing about it I am trying to keep my home for my daughters sake but he is making it harder and harder everything he does costs me money my daughter is 16 and is just amazing she is so much stronger than me I hold it together while she is around but during the days she is at school and I can't do anything but cry he walked away and is now living with his best friend as he calls her he thinks we are all stupid and don't know what's going on.

Why bother

RandR — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 01:01:13 GMT

Hi @April61,

My name is Raman and welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

Thank you for taking the courage to reach out and I've read your post and are sorry to hear about all that both you and your daughter are enduring.

My father left my mum after 25 years of marriage and two sisters and myself when I was 17. IN fact he had an affair with a close family friend who was also married and had kids I went to primary school with. He left without saying goodbye and just packed his suitcase, took all the money from the bank accounts and flew away to India.

Divorce definitely took its tool on my mum, my sisters and even myself. I know the feeling won't lie to you but simply say that it takes time and isn't something overcome over a few weeks or even months.

There is always injustice however I am a firm believer of karma. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and taking all the necessary steps to protect both you and daughter.

What is great to read is that you are strong and keep a brave face when you are with your daughter. You're only human so it's completely fine and normal for you to cry when she is not around. Your enduring a lot both mentally and emotionally.

I'm here if you need and happy to speak more. As for your friends getting sick of hearing about what your telling them I should hope not. If anything your true friends will contact you to see how you are going and making sure you're alright 🙂

Hope things get better and here if you need 🙂

Raman.

Why bother

monkey_magic — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 03:08:27 GMT

Hi April & welcome to beyond blue,

I've been cheated on so I know what that feels like. He makes me sick to be honest as I'm sure he does you. He's behaviour is intolerable.

Also, my parents divorced when I was 16 so I've been in that boat also with an abusive father back then. I stepped away. I felt it was the only thing to do so I didn't have to hear it.

I agree with the whole why ppl get murdered. Unfortunately you have to be more than just under threat for action from police to take place. Don't want to scare you just over how it is, its scary.

I'm also sure your friends aren't sick of it. Lean on them, it sounds like the more support you have the better so I'm sending mine.

Youre daughter is strong which is amazing and so are you, please don't forget that.

All will be well in time.

Feel free to write more if your up to it. I use these pages as therapy and to gain support. Can be therapeutic.

Hugs oooo

Why bother

April61 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:08:15 GMT

Thanks for reading I know lots of people are in the same position and plenty are far worse off. it just gets to me that after all the good work that is being done about family violence you go to court and the judges do back it up.

Why bother

April61 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:21:47 GMT

You know that the thingis I lost my dad last year to cancer and I did not cope well at all. When he told me people die all the time just get over it i realised that i needed to get some help. When i asked him if he would be there for me going forward he said no. That night he told me he could not stand the sight of me and get out of his life. That very quickly brought me back and I was not going to let him walk all over me. He was not happy. I got a solicitor to protect mine and my daughters future. That made him even angrier.

I am not angry at him for having some one else. The one thing I learnt from losing my dad is life is short and every one needs to be happy. If she makes him happy then so be it, lets all move on. He just keeps doing things that send me back to square one again. I know I will never have another relationship, i'm 56 and will never trust any one again. I put my heart and soul into loving him and will always love him, he is my daughters father. The daughter I was told I could never have.

Every one keeps telling me I need to get angry with him, but its just not me. To be honest I don't have the energy to get angry. I am just to tired. When he left I let him take most of the furniture and stuff from the house, its just stuff and stuff does not matter in the bigger picture. Thats another thing every one keeps telling me i should not have done.

I know I will eventually get through this, I have to for my daughters sake, but at the moment it seems like there is no end.

Why bother

April61 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:54:30 GMT

It should have read judges do not back it up

Why bother

monkey_magic — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:58:00 GMT

U sound a little like me, I don't care sometimes either. Hopefully ur energy levels r good i.e you're not drained.

You sound pretty special to me ( I'm female BTW).

Similar boat still love my ex, we still talk, we are all good now, but, he put me through domestic violence. For him substances brought it out.

Condolences on the loss of your dad. Very hard thing to deal with esp with an emotionally neglectful partner at the time. With grief through my experience it comes in waves over ( it can take a long time). Years...

Some men are oblivious to what to do , others r great.

Are you enjoying other things in your life currently?

Why bother

April61 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 06:26:40 GMT

Apart from work I just spend time doing all the jobs around the farm. I cannot really afford to do much else. My ex has said we will never be friends. Ok well I need to get out but I just cannot face it at the moment

Why bother

monkey_magic — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 06:58:14 GMT

And u don't have to.

Lucky duck. I would love to be living on a farm as opposed to busy suburbia.

I offen drive out to those areas and love the fresh air. Pretty sure what I'm breathing in here isn't so healthy. Can I blame that on my poor choices, prob not though. I'll blame it on lack of experience.

You never know what the future holds for you. Day at a time I say! 🙂

Wish I was at a farm ATM.

Feel free to stay on board and stay connected.

Why bother

April61 — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 22:36:18 GMT

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Here I am back crying again. It seems no matter what I try to do to get things sorted, there is always some one else putting up blocks to try to stop me. I have spent the last few days trying to get my head around what happened in court last week. I get it that there is a system and some are better at playing it than others. My ex played it perfectly. Now as I start to look ahead I discover that I need to get even more money than I planned on to pay him out. OUr daughter has braces and I now have to get them taken off as I cannot afford to keep up the payments. He is off partying with no regards for our daughter at all. I am not sure how long I can hold it all together

Why bother

monkey_magic — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 12:18:17 GMT

You don't have to hold it all together, and you're letting it out which is healthy. Some ppl just have no consideration. I'm learning some ( I'll call it) strong lessons about ppl too. Been having some ppl problems as well. I'm finding in my situation they've been shifty and two sided and I had a cry today. I've also had a think on things and have had to get my head around things makes you angry doesn't it. I've been angry as I'm sure you have too.

I guess we have to do the best we can with the situation we're in. Sorry to harp on about myself. I'm sad today after a shocking day & outcome.

Can your daughter get braces later on in a few years?

Im sure it will take some time for you to feel better about the situation. I hope you have some good supports around you at this time.

All the best.

Why bother

monkey_magic — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 12:21:17 GMT

Sorry misread about the braces.

I'm sure she'll understand and forgive you. Hope so anyway. 🙂

Why bother

April61 — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 15:55:30 GMT

Sorry to heat you are not having a good time. It's now 1.30am and I can't sleep again. I have stopped talking to those around me. I can tell by the sound in their voices they don't want to hear about it. I can't get angry. I wish I could. I am just so broken inside I don't feel anything. Most of the time I just feel numb. My biggest problem is I still love him Every one thinks I am crazy but I can't turned those feelings off I was told I could not have children so getting pregnant and having my daughter was a gift I thought I would never have. He gave me that and I will always love him for that

how can people change so dramatically I want to know what happened to the kind generous fun loving person I fell in love with when I asked him that he just said he changed

I just don't understand how he could do what he has done his only daughter His mum told me he still cares about her why would she not say he loves her

i am beginning to wonder if he every really wanted her His life now is all about parties and getting drunk he is acting like an 18 year old instead of 45

Why bother

monkey_magic — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 20:29:05 GMT

U r right, ppl change, I've experienced that, seen it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears. It is what you said, just heartbreaking. Ur ex could be on his own rollercoaster of emotions. Sorry you've experienced this. I know the feeling " numb" comes before ' pain'.....I still have some of that myself.

I also feel really good a lot of the time. I think it's important to saviour those feelings as well if u can find them. Def do what makes u feel better as well.

Exercise is my saviour & working on my business, I sell clothes ATM.

Men are jerks ( not all of you). I'd b heartbroken and numb as well as you were together for a long time. So it will take a long time to get over things

All I can hope is that he calms down, changes his ways.

My ex did & had more respect for me, then....back to his old ways. I put boundaries up and don't speak to him now, I refuse to be degraded.

But yeah two very different situations.

Hugs to and for you oooooo

Why bother

April61 — Tue, 05 Sep 2017 21:35:52 GMT

I have not slept at all. I found photos of the two of them together with his family and out together. I thought I would be able to handle it because deep down I really knew they were together. But I am not dealing with this at all well. I feel sick and my head is throbbing. The worst part was one of them was when they were still telling everyone they were just friends. Will the lies ever stop. I don't know what to tell my daughter. I do not want to lie to her but I don't want to upset her either.

Now I know they are together it makes what he has done even worse he has his new life with her but is still doing things to upset us why? I will never understand How does he and his family justify al the lies

Why bother

April61 — Thu, 10 May 2018 18:46:43 GMT

Well here I am back again. It's 4.32 am and I am so stressed I cannot sleep. A lot has happened since I last posted. In October last year my daughter told me her dad had been hitting her while I was at work. I was devesated how could I not have known. He has continued to do things to her he changed her passwords as his email was the default one if she forgot hers. He wiped her iPhone so she had no phone. I have organised counselling for her as she was talking about suicide and self harm. He continues to lie to all our family and friends. The thing that scares me the most is that he believes he has done nothing wrong. I went to court and even though I had letters from her counsellors that said she did not want to see him. The judge would not extend the intervention order as he had not done anything physical in the last 12 months. I feel I have let her down I can no longer keep her safe from him we will go back to living like we live in a jail padlocked gates and locked doors. Life was getting so much better we were both back doing things we loved and now we live with the worry of when is he going to turn up and do something.