topic My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree in Relationship and family issues

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

missken — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 06:41:43 GMT

Just over a week ago my partner of almost 13 years came home late after a night out and the next morning broke up with me. I was completely shocked. I knew that there was something not quite right between us lately - I had noticed that he was distancing himself from me over the past few months and choosing to spend more and more time away with friends that we don't share. He has also recently become obsessed with losing weight.

He said that he's been feeling numb for the past few months and the spark has faded. Apparently he needs some time on his own to work out what he wants. He also said that he's not attracted to me anymore and feels that I am not trying to keep my weight under control (which is untrue - I go to the gym regularly and have been making progress on my fitness/ trimness since recovering from injury). He said that lots of things have been irritating him lately. He said that he doesn't want to keep screwing me around by staying with me and thinks I should find another partner to have kids with. We had planned to start trying to have a baby in a few months' time. On further discussions he said that he thinks I don't like him anymore and that I am not attracted to him anymore. I explained that my behaviour over the past few months has been as a result of how rejected I have been feeling because of him appearing to not want to spend time with me anymore. I used to be his favourite person to spend time with, and now I feel like I coming home to me is a chore to him.

He insists that he hasn't met anyone else and in fact has never met anyone else in the 13 years we have been together that he could see himself in a relationship with if we weren't together. I tried to convince him that we can work through these issues now that we're talking about them openly, but he'd already made up his mind that were are going to break up.

I have given him a week on his own and asked that he seeks councelling as I think that the problem is wider than just him and I. He doesn't seem happy in general and has a history of suffering from depression. Nothing seems to make him happy lately and he is getting drunk really often and not taking care of his health. He is convinced that this isn't depression because it doesn't feel the same as the other times he has had bouts of depression.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be with him and truly believe the spark can be reignited now that we are being open and talking about the elephant in the room

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

white knight — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 09:09:21 GMT

Hi missken, welcome

The hard news for you us, that when he mentions his reasons for splitting up like no spark, not attracted to you anymore and do on, these are not the words if a depressed person that doesn't know what he wants. IMO

Split ups are harsh. You have to reset your life, sort out assets and if you want family you have to date again at an older age than before. Emotionally it can take it's toll.

My suggestion us to leave him alone. As hard as it will be not to contact him. He wants space, its his right, allow him such space.

If he is going to miss you hell return once he realises his decision was I'll thought out.

You want a man that want you, not wants you because you have convinced him he needs you. There is a big difference.

Don't shut yourself away. Get out with friends and have some fun

Tony WK

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

Doolhof — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 22:14:07 GMT

Hi Missken,

Sorry to read you find yourself in this situation. It must be quite a shock for you to hear this news.

Unfortunately if a person decides they need to leave a relationship, then staying may certainly not be an option for them. Staying may actually make the situation worse.

I suggest you call Relationships Australia and chat with someone there. Phone the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636 if you feel like you need to talk to someone. If you become really depressed and unhappy you can phone Life Line as well.

Maybe he is very depressed and confused, maybe he has just had enough. Either way it is tough on you as you still love the guy.

Like Tony mentioned, break ups are not easy. Reach out to family and friends for support and help.

Make a list of things you would like to do in the future, things you enjoy doing.

Look after yourself. Continue at the gym. Catch up with other people.

Don't blame yourself or him for what has happened. Blame causes bitterness, regrets, sadness, depression, anger and so much more. You will feel these things, but hopefully not for ever.

Seek all the help and assistance you need to get through this.

If he does come back to you are you prepared to put up with him no matter what?

Relationships can be very tough.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

geoff — Tue, 16 Aug 2016 23:17:45 GMT

dear Missken, as Tony and Mrs. Dools have said breakups are always terrible for either people or just one of you, because there are so many unanswered questions, queries and doubts that can't be answered, so that's why it does make it so much harder, because if we knew then that would make it much easier to accept why the person wants to.
I wonder whether there are any problems at his work, or fear of being retrenched or possibily has been retrenched but hasn't told you, however these are only queries which may only complicate this issue.
The main problem is that he is getting drunk and staying out with his mates, so there is something that he is worried about but he has said that 'lots of things have been irritating him' and by saying that just opens the door to many problems, none which you really know about.
Give him the time that he feels he needs, because it will give you time to adjust, and I know that it's going to be difficult for you, but he won't be able to answer your questions if he still doesn't know the full extent of why he feels this way. Geoff. x

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

missken — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 01:11:35 GMT

Thank you white knight, Doolhof and geoff for your words of support.

I saw him last night and he is in a really bad place. He seems even skinnier than before (his backbone and ribs are quite exposed) and appears to both physically, mentally and emotionally just a shell of the person he once was.

We made plans to see each other and I arrived wearing a new sexy outfit. I don't know if it was a good idea, but I felt that I needed to test if he could be attracted to me still. It absolutely worked, he was really turned on and mentioned many times how good I looked, but said that he doesn't want to touch me because it would feel like he is using me and it might give me hope for a reconciliation that may not eventuate.

He reiterated that he needs time alone still and needs to keep contact with me to a minimum while he works out what he wants. This time around he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, which I don't believe. I think he does love me, but that love has matured into more of a companionship love over the years and he craves to feel intense love, like what happens with a new partner.

My aim of seducing him worked in the end once I convinced him that I want it regardless of what happens with our relationship going forward.

The good news is that he has started writing down his thoughts and fears and is seeing a doctor today to work on a mental health plan & get a referral for a psychologist. He is steadfast in his position of not going through depression currently, but has accepted that seeing a psychologist is needed to help work through the relationship issues and hopefully get some clarity on what he wants.

I can't shake the notion that we are meant to be together - it feels like there is a pit in my stomach every time I think about him, which is almost all the time. I'm barely eating, partly due to grief, but partly because I want to lose weight quickly in the hope that it helps to reignite the spark.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

Apollo_Black — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:39:52 GMT

Hi Missken

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. May I ask how old you both are? Can you also say how is your partner obsessed with losing weight? Was he overweight to begin with? Is he dieting intentionally? Is he doing heaps of exercise? Seems weird that he would consciously lose weight but at the same time abuse his body with alcohol. Something doesn't add up.

I'll be brutally honest and say that I'd be highly suspicious of him seeing another person. I know you don't want to hear this but it's a possibility even though he's denying it. But I'd certainly be concerned about the weight loss if indeed he seems terribly underweight - at least his GP can check him out and do a thorough medical.

As hard as it sounds you need to concentrate on your own mental and physical welfare. Even though you want to lose weight - don't starve yourself. You need to eat balanced meals otherwise you'll get sick and feel even worse. Have you got trusted friends you can confide in? I agree with what others have said and it doesn't sound like depression is the main driver here. I'd be doing a total 180 - do things for you, maintain your gym (it will only help you more), eat well (reduce carbs if anything, particularly refined sugars), try and get rest if you can, catch up with friends, maybe talk to a counsellor, try not to chase your partner, go about your business like he doesn't exist and see how he likes that. All easier said than done I know - just look after yourself as number 1 priority. he comes bottom right now.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

missken — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 03:59:25 GMT

Hi Apollo Black,

I am 34 and he is 33. He started running in the evenings recently saying that the reason was to be fit for footy season and also to feel something (I.e. endorphins). He was not overweight to begin with. Then it became more and more an obsession for him. He still eats junk food a few times a week esp. on weekends, but was criticizing the choices I was making for food that I bought/ prepared for us - saying it's not healthy enough, too large portions.

I believe that he is not seeing another person after the conversations we have had, although I did suspect this before the break up. It's possible that he was losing weight to seek attention from others, or to prepare himself for being single. He has said that in part it was to try to get me to instigate sex more often by hopefully being more attractive to him.

It seems pretty common that someone would consciously lose weight/ exercise a lot and also abuse their body with alcohol. He appears to be chasing 'feeling good' in any way, shape or form. Being drunk feels good, being skinny/ attractive feels good, endorphins from running feels good, eating junk food feels good - even if some of these things contradict each other.

You're right, I need to keep my distance and concentrate on myself. It's difficult as we share an apartment and a dog together. At the moment he is staying in our apartment (which we own) with the dog, and I am staying at my sisters' place. I feel like I shouldn't be the one to be living life as a nomad, but he doesn't reach out to people as readily as I do or have as many options for places to stay as I do. I also prefer him to be in our apartment than staying with footy mates that don't care about him and would support a self destructive lifestyle.

Last night he told me that he's been looking at share houses to move into which troubles me because of the sense of permanency it indicates, but also because he's in a really bad place at the moment and I think he needs people around that will keep an eye out for his well being.

I am seeing a councellor through my company's EAP. Only one session so far which was basically me telling the background story of our relationship and have the next session booked for Saturday.

I have also been talking to friends and my sister about it all - which he's annoyed about as he doesn't want our mutual friends knowing about the things that he has said to me.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

Apollo_Black — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 04:18:07 GMT

It doesn't seem to make sense that he's trying to improve himself to make himself more attractive to you, in order to get more sex - yet abuse alcohol and eat crap AND distance himself from you, which has exactly the opposite effect. If he's reading advice on creating attraction then he's doing it wrong. Which makes me think he's doing it for another reason, either another woman, he is using drugs, or he's having a pseudo mid-life crisis and just wants to experience lost youth or something. Whatever angle - he needs to man up and give you a decent explanation.

Good work for seeing the EAP. Hopefully they're not useless weirdo's like mine are. I'm not very happy that you're the one having to uproot your life to give him space. Somehow you're going to have to get used to the 180 tactic and not give a flying banana about him. Also - too bad if you talk to your friends/sister about it. He dropped the bombshell, so damned right you're going to look after your own needs and the get support you need. He can be as annoyed as he wants to be.

Ultimately he needs to stop sending you mixed messages - ie: "I don' think you're attracted to me anymore" vs "I don't want to screw you around anymore by staying with you". Very confusing. I would be denying any intimacy/contact until he's clear on what his goals are. Obviously easy for me to say. I'm just a guy - but I also know how they work

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

missken — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 04:57:09 GMT

I think you've hit the nail on the head there - I've always been worried that his peter pan syndrome would kick in and send him packing once things started to get really serious - i.e. the kids thing being on the horizon. It's like he's not happy with growing up and wants to live his life constantly as a 20 year old, which funnily enough, was the age he was when we first got together. He's said that he is scared that if we have kids, he might not like it, might not fall in love with the kids, might hate life as a parent and want to leave then, which he believes would be worse than leaving now.

This isn't the first quarter/third/mid life crisis he has had. About 6 years into our year relationship, so 6 years ago (maybe this kicks in for him every 6 years?), he was feeling really depressed - this time he acknowledged it. He couldn't feel anything, was unhappy at work, going to uni in the evenings and getting burnt out. I was worried about him and tried to talk to him about it but he put a brick wall up. Then he took a day off work to get sh*t faced drunk at a colleagues house. Turns out this colleague was female, and after getting drunk together they had sex. He came home that night looking like he'd seen a ghost. He told me about it and said that as soon as he slept with her, he woke up out of his depression spell and had clarity about what he wanted - that he wanted to be with me.

He acknowledged that he may have ruined things between us and I might not want to stay with him, but was insistent that now he knows he wants to be with me forever. Apparently he had been questioning this prior to the colleague sex, and said that he was concerned that he'd started to be attracted to other girls - something he said had not happened previously in the 6 years we had been together and he thought it was a sign that he needed to try being single.

Another issue is that he's never been single. He hooked up with his first girlfriend in high school, then after breaking up with her got together we me 2 weeks later. Seems that he felt the need to try casual sex to see if it was for him, or if he preferred it to being monogamous with me. 6 years later and this curiosity about the single life/ other women seems to have kicked in again.

It's great to hear your opinion on things as a guy - so far I have only spoken with women and it's not the same perspective.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

Apollo_Black — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 05:43:20 GMT

The problem with some guys (in my opinion only of course) is that they want the easy way out when it comes to unhappiness in relationships. The least fuss possible, least hurt, just easy without the fallout. I'm not saying this is the case with your man, but it has taken me A VERY LONG TIME to get over that way of counterproductive thinking.

Certainly if he's on that angle - the "I'm not sure what I've been missing thing", then he needs to own that and be upfront and honest with you. Perhaps if he understands that he won't be torched to a cinder by your firey wrath if he owns up with whatever the truth may be - then perhaps he'll come around to giving you a straight answer and you can move on. If he's being a complete a-hat then he might be stringing you along to have his cake and eat it too. I really hope he's not wanting to do that.

I'm really sorry Missken - I think the only thing you can control at the moment is your actions, and for now in the height of your turmoil that's trying your best to look after yourself. I wouldn't give him too much thinking time. You deserve every right to knowing what's going on so you're not suddenly turning 40 and he's suddenly not wanting kids and wanting out again.

I'd still be suspicious of him either seeing someone or actively looking. Whether or not you investigate further is up to you of course.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

geoff — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 18:38:35 GMT

dear Missken, what Apollo Black has said is very good, and can I add that as I'm a male too, men feel unhappy in a relationship when they aren't sexually satisfied, in contrast females would prefer that they get the attention and love from their male counterpart.
I was unhappy in our 25 year marriage, I gave up asking, because the answer was always no. Geoff.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

Doolhof — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 23:16:15 GMT

Hi All,

This is quite an interesting thread.

Missken, it does sound like you really want to be with this guy, but is that the healthiest option? Like Apollo Black has mentioned, how long will you keep taking this guy into your life, realising he has already mentioned the lack of desire to have children for one thing.

He may well be depressed, if that is the case, I really do hope that he gets the help that he needs.

For me it is not right to mess with each others emotions and feelings. Is it also right to use sex as a tool to get what you want out of life? There is a lot more to relationships than just sex and looks.

It all just sounds a little too shallow to me.

Maybe I just haven't lived enough myself! Or maybe I have just decided that there is no point in trying to please people who will never be happy anyway.

It is wonderful you are getting the male perspective here as well. I sometimes wonder how huys tick and no doubt they wonder the same about us! Ha. Ha.

Cheers, Mrs. Dools

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

white knight — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 00:10:05 GMT

Vagueness can be torturous.

I had a 6 year intense up and down relationship with a lady when in my twenties.

Asking simple questions was met with "I don't know yet" or "maybe I'll get there"

There are several possibilities here. For you missken you'd like to believe in what you read between the lines of what he half says.

But as pointed out, is this healthy for you? What if this vagueness continues for years? And importantly while persevering, your child bearing years erode away. What will life be like at 45yo, alone because you believed in this man?

If you were to find the company of another man and were fond if him, a man with clarity and focus on you, I think you'd realise how your current relationship is out if whack.

Tony WK

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

missken — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 05:14:47 GMT

Hi Geoff,

The thing is that we did have sex regularly (1-3 times per week), so it's not like he's not getting it enough. He must have been finding it dull and predictable, plus he was unhappy with how infrequently I would instigate it, but as mentioned earlier, I was feeling so rejected that I didn't want to put myself out there for fear of further rejection. I guess for the past few months I have been operating off the notion that if he wants it, he'll instigate it.

After talking with friends and family over the past week, something I have come to accept as fact is that he's a really restless person. I know that men often wonder if 'the grass is greener on the other side' and imagine that they're missing out on something potentially better, but he seems to do this constantly in every facet of his life - work, where we live, what we do in our spare time, where we travel and seemingly regarding our relationship. He's always looking for the next adventure - on many occasions he's said that every time he sees a hill or a mountain, he has an urge to climb it simply to see what's there. Could be a metaphor for his outlook on life generally and reflects his inability to be satisfied with what he has.

Something my Dad said to me today is "you should be proud that you managed to keep a guy that restless for 13 years, most women wouldn't be able to keep him for more than a few years".

I'd love to believe that I can move on and find a man that is all of those things that he's not, but it's hard to see past the fact that he's my first love and I'd always believed would be the only love of my life. As much as he's screwed me around, if he turned around tomorrow and said that he's had an epiphany and he knows in his heart that he wants to be with me forever (again) and is ready to have kids (again), I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Men with kids - how true is the notion that a man falls in love with his child when it is born and from then on becomes less focused on themselves and their quest in life becomes primarily about their child's happiness?

This is what I was hoping would happen with him. I've always know he's quite selfish, but thought that this would change with kids. He was ready to have kids last year, but we delayed in order to have one last big overseas holiday beforehand and now we've ended up in this position.

My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

james1 — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 06:02:30 GMT

Hey missken,

I try not to generalise too much, but I think - there are exceptions - men tend to be more restless. From what I've seen, some will settle down when they meet someone, some will settle down when they have kids, others just never settle down. But hey, the same could be said for many women.

So I don't know what's happening with your partner, but to be honest, neither will you unless he decides to tell you.

As others have said, I think the best thing really is let him decide what he wants, and focus on what you want.

Why him above all the other guys? You've pointed out that he's not perfect (nobody is), so apart from comfort, you need to have a think about why you're focussed so much on him when he's not giving you 100%.

I think you've done an amazing job at trying to hold this relationship together, but when someone says they want out of a relationship, they've made an internal decision already. Why? Only they can know. Will they ever come back? Nobody knows.

It sucks, and that's why we want to help you - because this vagueness, as Tony pointed out, is torturous.

I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you could love someone so much. There will come a time when it is reciprocated, because your partner doesn't seem to have done that so far.

James