topic help needed my husband is hiding alcohol in Relationship and family issues

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 10:28:27 GMT

Ive posted recently as i have just realised my husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He is in denile and now ive confronted him this week boy has thing's changed! Now he is hiding alcohol somewhere!! Taking beer bottles to the dump with the dump run; and my 12 year daughter saw him putting bottles in the next door neighbours bin!while i was at work I cant track anything now i dont know how i feel as i was needing that visual reassurance to help me stay sane!! When i confronted him about his drinking he just laughed in my face.. where else do they hide alcohol?? Or do I give up looking now?? Please help im soooo stressed out

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

pipsy — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 10:47:02 GMT

Dear nogo. You have just asked the $64,000 question re: hiding alcohol. He will hide it anywhere, he may even disguise cordial by pouring it into an empty cordial bottle. His laughing at your distress means he feels superior in his alcohol behaviour. If he has a job, he will take alcohol to work. Your stressing out, means at the moment he has the upper hand. I assume he has his own money so locking him out of any joint account might not be possible. I would consider contacting his boss and letting him know about your husbands alcohol addiction. It would not be breaching, he needs help and the more people who are aware of this illness, the less likely he will be able to have the occasional sip. Is he inclined to be violent, if he has shown violent tendencies in the past, please take care to avoid confrontations. You may have to consider moving away if he becomes agitated. I would also consider contacting Al Anon for some guidance. Al Anon has been formed to support families of alcoholics.

Lynda

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 11:02:47 GMT

Thankyou for the reply pipsi; problem is is that he is self employed.. so i guess he could drink when ever he wants if he wanted.. i cant belive the overnight change once i confronted him he thinks hes so smart now hiding it or being more discrete then before! I only realised the amount he was drinking on dec29th a new box of beer every 2 days and whisky to finish.. outside from time he gets home till bedtime totally isolates me and kids for over 18months... hes not violent but hurtful with some comments but doesnt talk at all... they dont just stop drinking do they?? Is fefinanly hiding it. I think its in his car. We have separate accounts but he still isnt paying bills food etc we have 4 kids! I wish i was financially better so i could leave.. i cant handle to much more 😭😭😭😭😭

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

blondguy — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 12:20:41 GMT

Hello Nogo17

You have great strength to have posted and good on you!

The forums are a safe and secure place that you can post Nogo. I dont mind the occasional beer but 2 slabs every two days is not a good place for your husband and especially for you and your children....

More importantly I can hear the stress your are going through (and your 4 children bless them)

If I may ask you Nogo17 (if not no worries at all) is your husband treating you and your children okay?

The forums are a judgemental free zone as we will never judge you and/or your situation....

I wouldnt look for any hiding places....as the stress of doing so would be way too much.

Beyond Blue have the 24/7 support line if you are stuck 1300 22 4636..they are very kind & caring Nogo 🙂

Its just my opinion on what you have written Nogo, but this is not a healthy environment for you or your children.....especially the way you have been treated when you queried him.

we are here for you Nogo17

my kind thoughts for you and your children

Paul

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

geoff — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 19:38:51 GMT

hello Nogo, it's true that an alcoholic will swap any other fluid in the frig with his alcohol to disguise it which he may have in his shed, and he could be hiding in places you would never think about looking, by the way I was exactly the same as he is, because my sons would tip it out, so I kept on changing where I put it.
He will also take his empty bottles somewhere else to be dumped as soon as you mention where he is dumping them or he will hide them in boxes.
He isn't concerned about his drinking nor how you feel, which brings me to the question, do you think he has been or still is suffering from depression, maybe because of his self employed business.
There is always a reason why people need to drink, with me it was depression that made me drink all day long, but now I'm I only drink socially. Geoff. x

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

pipsy — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 10:30:22 GMT

Hi nogo. Your hubby being self employed is a concern as, if he is dealing with the public, his business will suffer as the public won't appreciate the obvious signs of inebriation. If he is suffering depression, this could be causing him to want to 'lose himself' by drinking to numb the pain of depression. That in itself makes for a vicious cycle of depression vs booze vs depression. Can I ask what type of person he is, by that, I mean is he someone who has to have everything going 'his way'. Is he a 'perfectionist'. He may be unsatisfied with his life and drinking helps him forget. He may consider himself to be a failure, yes - he has his own business, but being self employed is not without concerns, such as competition which is always a worry. The lashing out could be an indication of not wishing to show you he has concerns. Do you have any way of finding out how the business is going, generally? Does he employ a financial adviser, if so could you somehow ask how the business is going? Lynda

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Thu, 09 Feb 2017 01:23:51 GMT

Sorry i have not replied sooner Jeff, pipsy, paul and others… ok the situation now is this. Im feeling so sick.I am not functioning well worrying about it all. i went on a mission to obtain truth! to my husbands GP he was very helpful and said "that explains a lot about his health, then I went to my inlaws as they dropped off the radar to find out he had borrowed over $12k from them and tried to borrow another 4k! and told them i didn't want to see them.. this is only a new relationship with them, as he spend time in foster care as a child. then i got a text message from bank house payments are late- (mind you our mortgage payments are cheaper than average rent $295 a week)!.. when i discussed it with him he took off in car saying he was going to kill himself (again!) but then later returned. he stopped drinking for 4 days after i told him drinking is a deal breaker (had bad withdrawals).. but now he hides the drinking- I don't see him drinking anymore, and no alcohol in fridge down stairs but drinks a tonne of ginger beer! and comes home later in evening, but not a pub type. still sits outside alone, doesn't talk, I work long hours on weekends and my 8 year old son said he bought a beer drank it all on a saturday maybe 8 in total. He denied it at first, but then i said i saw him (white lie) then he admitted it! I feel sick from the lies, deceit, secrets, and paranoia now i have nothing of physical proof, I don't know where he is keeping it, in car, work shed, garden shed (which has a padlock i have no key).. I don't see him drinking but I'm not watching all the time with 4 kids inside.. my son said he got angry when i wasn't there as he was playing up, and my husband pouched him in the arm…he is 6 foot 2 and big! I lost it when i found out! he doesn't answer messages from family, the situation is very odd! I don't think he would have stopped all the sudden he was so sick the last time for 4 days withdrawing - after I confronted him about the borrowed money (18 months ago)!! I'm sure he hit the booze again.. I wonder if he is putting alcohol in ginger beer bottles, its crazy but I seem to need physical evidence, don't know why.. this hidding it, and act like he is doing nothing wrong is really hard… at this point my kids are also suffering my 11 year old daughter was crying he eyes out he was going to kill himself.. i don't trust him looking after the kids properly when I work. he has never been violent to me or kids, but is a different person!

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

blondguy — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 07:04:06 GMT

Hi Nogo

Im sorry about the late reply and thankyou again for being on the forums.

I am not doubting your son for a moment that he was punched in the arm. You are still in bad enough place even where the communication (or lack thereof) is concerned.

You also mentioned about the borrowing of large amounts of money too.

The threats he makes about killing himself are disturbing but can be used as a sign he is struggling...a lot

Good on you for seeing his GP.....Besides you being informed that it 'explains his behavior' did his GP say anything else? (just so we can get a better picture and can assist you more effectively)

Please excuse me for another question.....if thats okay of course (if not please ignore). Does he smell of beer after drinking ginger beer?

I think you have done really well by visiting his GP. For your 11 year old daughter to be exposed to her dad even discussing suicide is bad news. You are a caring and intelligent person nogo.....I hope you can report any act of violence to the police. I really feel for your son and daughter.

Your children come first here.....if you are stuck and need a voice on voice we have the Beyond Blue 24/7 Support Line that has very kind people to assist on 1300 22 4636

Please let us know how you are going when you can

my very kind thoughts for you

Paulx

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

Celery — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 07:45:41 GMT

Hello Nogo, I wish I could give you and your kids a big hug. I did not see your earlier posts but can relate so well to what you have expressed.

Firstly you already have the physical evidence that your husb is drinking..his absence, borrowed money, mortgage payments, unacceptable behavior towards your son and daughter being upset from his threat.

I would count how many cans and bottles my exh drank and it would give me a gauge to how his behaviour would change. Alcholism is progressive..it never gets better unless they stop for themselves and usually they need to hit a rock bottom for this to happen..some never give up.

You and your kids have not caused this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Your husband is a very sick man but he may not see it that way as alcoholism distorts their thinking.

I thought i could fix my exh and over many years became sick myself. My exh never was violent to me but was physically abusive to my sons to the point where my 13 year old wanted to suicide. It still took another 5 years for me to go and by that time our house and business was in a huge financial mess and all was lost.

I am not suggesting that you leave. But i do suggest you get yourself a lawyer and find out your rights etc..please dont waste your time talking to his family..you need solid unbiased guidance.

Pipsy mentioned also to go to Alanon a group for friends and relatives of alcoholics they have lots of very good information and can help you find your way out of your troubles before they consume you and your mental health.

As i mentioned I left so much so late as i really believed that my husb would put the bottle down because he loved us. I found out the hard an lonely way what alcoholism does to the whole family.

There is always hope. Hugx. Lil

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

geoff — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 20:58:59 GMT

hello Nogo, I'm sorry that this situation is becoming increasely worse, and he will hide it in coke bottles, ginger beer bottles, in jars maybe at the back of the pantry anywhere he can think of giving the impression that he isn't drinking, and it doesn't matter one bit if he stops for 4 days, he is still an alcoholic.
He could have it in a container in a hole in the ground and with a plant covering it, or a piece of string holding it attached to the paling fence, dangling over to next door neighbours property, especially if the the house next door is vacant.
Whether the money he borrowed was to pay off his credit card/cards maybe the reason, but it wouldn't be to any benefit for you or the kids, it is just him looking after himself, covering every possible link so that he won't be found out.
If he has been sick that only means that he's hit it pretty hard, and the reason he gets annoyed looking after the kids is because he doesn't want to tend to them, that interferes with his drinking, so he doesn't want to be disturbed or told off by anyone.
Can you put yourself into his situation, in other words, let's pretend you are the alcoholic, what would you expect could happen, him leave and take the kids or kick you out, because there is nothing what's so ever that would make you stop drinking.
When I was an alcoholic only because I was deeply depressed, it was one reason my wife divorced me after 25 years of married, she couldn't cope with the alcohol nor my depression and had given up on me, so she needed to start a new life and let me rot away by myself, however once the divorce had gone through and our house sold that's when my life changed, it had done a complete circle, my depression lifted and my alcohol consumption stopped to where I can now drink socially.
I didn't need the grog anymore and that's when I started replying on this site some 13 or 14 years ago.
That's what you need to do, divorce him and start a new life with the kids. Geoff. x

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 02:06:15 GMT

Thank you all for replying I can not tell you how wonderful it is to have some support as I am not getting it from my family. The update is this- I went to AL ANnon first meeting on Valentine's night ( he didn't even speak that day )of course accused of having an affair why else would I be going out on Valentine's night🤔. I went and got legal advice seems the house is in my name but mortgage in both but I'm within my rights to kick him out. So I told him I saw a lawyer and I'm within my rights to get him to leave. He came home didn't say a word, got clothes off the clothes line took the outdoor TV and left. Haven't seen or heard for 3 weeks now. No how are the kids? Nothing? You are all correct they don't care about anyone. And the kids are not even really worried he's gone, they ask where he is and I have to say he has to go to hospital rehab to get better before we can let him come home. I know dam well he hasent been to rehab- rock bottom must not been hit yet.. Of course I'm left with everything financially I'm trying to get more hours at work before the house is lost. I'm doing the best I can, I'm run down doing everything but it was much like that before he left anyway, never came on a holiday, never goes to school events and so on. I've been single for a long time really. I have heard he has been telling everyone I kicked him out - not because he's an alcoholic! It does bother me he lies to everyone and they believe him - I'm always the bad guy. My own parents don't truly believe he has a problem- that breaks my heart- I do get some support from his father they tell me to get rid of him and look after myself and the kids. It's amazing how they can walk away from their own kids, not a care in the world. I don't know where he is living but I'm sure someone has taken him in. He gave a food voucher to my daughters gym coach last week- to give to our 11 year old daughter at training She was really embarrassed and there is chatter going on..he's still causing problems even not being here .. Having good days bad days, tell my self just keep going and do what is best for my self and the kids, and accept the fact he doesn't care less. (The dr said he wanted to put him rehab but has to get him to attend appointment first.. Don't know if he has been back)also said he will loose everything probably DUI as his liver isn't functioning correctly. .. X

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

blondguy — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 03:34:12 GMT

Hello Nogo17

You have really had to summon all of your strength during this awful period. I am very sorry that he his still indirectly giving you static even though he doesnt live with you and your children anymore.

I am certain that your and your kids quality of life will gradually improve since he has left. From what you have said he isnt in good health and has a rocky road ahead of him.

I understand that you are doing it really hard now with the complications of expenses and the ups & downs after what you have been through. Its still a much better place to be in than when we first had a chat 🙂

I think you are an amazing person and mum. You are a very very strong individual and your parents are spot on when they said " look after myself and the kids"

I understand its very hard but please ignore the comments he has been making about you and the blame game. You have 4 Huge reasons to gently forge ahead one day at a time. Its always easy for a person to blame others....It takes incredible courage to ignore such petty and unnecessary behaviour

I really do hope that you feel part of our Beyond Blue forum Family:-)

Your familys well being is important to us and we are here to support you

You children are fortunate to have such a kind and loving mum!

my kind thoughts

Paul

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 05:52:56 GMT

Thankyou so much Paul, it really does feel like a family, and I am so grateful for having support. I guess the initial stage is always the hardest, speaking out, that your family is in crisis. At the end of the day, we don't expect addiction will distroy the family unit. Everything I read about having an alcoholic partner i can relate to, and still find it hard to believe it took me so long to work out alcoholism was the trouble and the cause of his behaviour. All his items are still here at the house, I wonder if he is expecting to come back. He will get a shock if thats the case, as i said alcoholism is a deal breaker, and i don't think i can really every trust him again, after the lies, stories and financial hardships, and neglecting the children I find that unforgivable. I guess I'm still very angry as i set out on my new journey, I am always telling myself " I can't control it, I can't cure it, and didn't cause it even though they like to blame the partner for everything that is wrong in their life. Thankyou again for all the kind words of support, people don't believe he is an alcoholic i can't get through to most people- so I've given up explaining it- hopefully they will see his true colours somewhere along the road and make their own decisions. The alcoholic memory loss has already started- I've worked weekends for 10 years, and one weekend before he left - he came in the house walking around the rooms looking for me, asking 11 year old where i was! At work she said!!! then he walked off.. and this is the man that is suppose to be responsible looking after the kids when I'm at work… in the mean time your right i have 4 reasons to keep going and try and build a stable life for- its not going to easy, but what choice is there- i refuse to have an alcoholic in my life or my children's life. I won't be an enabler. x

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 08:08:14 GMT

Ahhrr another blow today.. Well I thought he may have possibly been to rehab but no.. Still staying somewhere else and drinking. Why I'm so devastated is this... My eldest daughter is now 18- I asked if she has Heard or seen from him and answer was no! I asked her to tell the truth! And no.. Now I've found out she lied and has been enabling and speaking each day to him- I've spent 3 weeks struggling in every means of the word following all al-anon recommendation not to enable- let him hit rock bottom - and to find out my own daughter has been enabling him after I explained enabling many times with her. So while I've been struggling doing the right things so i thought.. He has known everything going on... Sometimes I feel I can't win! I feel like back to square one! But I'm trying to keep telling myself just move on forget about him completely and think of myself and kids. He will hit rock bottom on his own eventually I hope!!!! It's tricky at times.. 😢😢😢😢

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

blondguy — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 12:53:12 GMT

Hi Nogo

You and I have a similar problem. A daughter caught in the cross fire

My daughter is 24 and has come out worse as a result of my separation from her alcoholic mum.

This is painful Nogo for sure but your daughter still sees her dad as her dad and doesnt have the life experience you do not to speak to him.....Please let her be......Her growth and well being can be effected by being the meat in the sandwich.

I understand that your separation is recent....no worries there. Let her speak to him....I know its mega painful but your daughter still has to find out for herself.....She didnt really lie to you Nogo...she is only trying not to take sides

Ive had this happen with my ex...I am now struggling because my daughter was sandbagged for speaking to me

You are an amazing mum Nogo...Please let your daughter find her own way on this one. My daughter now has anxiety & has self harmed as a result of being prevented to speak with to me.

My ex was 48kilos and drank nearly a cask of wine a day.

Your ex may well hit rock bottom as you said (which is sometimes necessary for a wake up call unfortunately)

Your biggest bonus right now is that your ex isnt in the house. I apologise if I have been judgemental in any way as the forums are a judgemental free zone and I dont mean to be in anyway.

You have the best seat in the house right now. Your daughter will see the reality in her own time

You are an amazing mum...no worries there....the kids may be 'grieving' right now despite what your ex has done and how he has behaved.

I am really happy that you are part of the Beyond Blue forum Family now.....and thanks heaps for the super kind compliment too 🙂

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

geoff — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 17:05:58 GMT

hello Nogo, I agree with Paul, let your daughter find out herself what he's like, eventually he will take advantage of her in some way, whether he borrows money of her and never repays it back, because he is never going to tell the truth, was he ever be honest with you, I would expect the answer to that is no.
The chances of him going to rehab are 'next to zero', and perhaps tell your daughter to go and live with her dad, then she will realise exactly what it's like living with a drunk and a lier, where he will be behind in all of bills and expect her to pay them.
She doesn't realise what she is getting herself into, because everything he promises her she will believe for a short time, but he will break every rule in the book, with the possibibility of stealing from her.
Just remember that there is nothing he loves more than alcohol, that's his life, your daughter will need to find out and it wouldn't take too long, because the money she wants to spend will be wasted on grog, and eventually this will annoy her. Geoff.

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 06:56:09 GMT

Hi Paul; thankyou for your reply. Im sorry to hear about your ex- that is alot of alcohol to consume daily - and im heartbroken to hear about your poor daughter and what she went through its very serious and reiterates how alcoholism really is a family disease. Yes i wont stop her talking to him and im sure its correct she will find out herself what he is like... i guess it really makes no diffrrence if she talks to him or not the alcoholism is still there. I just stupidly thought loosing the family might inspire rehab but truth is he doesnt care. Its hard getting the head around the situation.. and yes im glad i got him out and we have a roof for now.... thanks so much for reply. X

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 07:06:00 GMT

Hi geoff ; thankyou for your reply; its so lovely to have supportive people to cyper with. I agree after i calmed down that i won't stop her seeing; texting; ringing him.. im hoping she does get to see the true side.. im hoping its sooner than later. I guess im annoyed he is using her to find out things about us.. i was hoping not hearing from him in 3 weeks he may have been in rehab! While all along my daughter new where he was. I also wondered why he didnt come get his gear i thought must be rehab.. but no turns out living in a friends shed/garage. .. as a mum i still cant fathum thathe cut the kids off no communication to check how they are... but i have to try to remember the good person is gone- its almost like grieving death... i have to kust move on without him - of he only new the kids are not overlly concerned hes not here.. so goes to show his dad skills were lost some time ago... thanks again.. x

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

nogo17 — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 11:08:53 GMT

Thankyou lil for replying really appreciate your reply and hearing your story- its sad but also good to hear others have or had experienced similar things. It really does destroy families doesn't it.. and the poor children suffer. Yes i agree i thought he would realise the pain he has put us through and stop drinking - but its just not going to happen- now hes gone he has the ability to do whatever he wants with out anyone nagging him. He will drink himself to death probably. Hes caused financial mess; lied; and very forgetful.business abot to go- I dont want him around the kids' good thing he hasent made contact since leaving neally 4 weeks ago. Living in a shed he couldn't have the kids anyway. May cause trouble eventually; but the law seems to protect kids a bit from alcoholic parents... The man i knew is gone.

help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

geoff — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 21:20:09 GMT

hi Nogo, he won't go to rehab by himself unless he comes to his senses, probably when he visits his doctor because he has bad symptoms for being an alcoholic, which I'm not going to mention except to say that he may look jaundice, which is yellow in the face.
I remember when I was manager of a pub and some guys there drank like fish every single day, and only a very few I see today say that their doctor told them 'if you don't stop drinking , they wouldn't be here in 2 months', so some stopped while the rest passed away with cirrhosis of the liver, simply because they didn't care what happened to them.
It's only up to him whether he wants to stop or not. Geoff.x