topic Tough time in Relationship and family issues

Tough time

Brokengrl — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 00:01:24 GMT

I've had a pretty rough 6 months.

I met a guy through a dating website. We immediately clicked, almost like we had known each other our whole lives. He's an educated man. Had separated from his wife several months prior to our meeting. He told me he had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time, sleeping in separate rooms for a number of years, tried councelling unsuccessfully, so he made the decision to separate, not what his wife wanted.

So we started dating. We had an excellent open relationship. Both of us have a history of depression. And we helped each other with that. I did have an insecurity, fearing he would go back to his wife, but he constantly reassured me that was never going to happen because he had been too unhappy with her for too long. He told me he loved me and never felt love like this before. I was apprehensive about telling him I loved him too because of my insecurity, but I did in fact love him, on a level I had never experienced.

We decided that for our relationship to move forward, it was time for him to be clear with his wife that he was moving on with someone. Well. After talking with her, he visited me and immediately broke up with me. He walked away from me. Blocked my phone number. Deleted Facebook. Blocked my emails. Completely disappeared from my life in the matter of an hour. To say I was completely blind sided was an understatement. And it broke my heart in a big way. ( to complicate matters his relationship with his wife did involve children). I have been left frustrated with no answers and no closure. I became depressed.

Shortly after this I unexpectedly lost a very close friend. And this exacerbated my depression. I do see a psych. But I struggle daily with sadness, it's almost all consuming. Functioning at work takes every ounce of energy I have.

I guess I would love some advice on how to let go of the man I love. My brain knows he is gone and the relationship is over, but every day my heart hopes he will come back. I don't want to hope anymore. So if anyone could offer any advice on how to stop hoping, I would be forever grateful. I would love to feel some relief from the sadness, just for one day.

Tough time

white knight — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 01:46:10 GMT

Hi brokengrl, welcome.

Trauma of the kind you are experiencing is really tough.Only some people go through it in a love affair but all humans go through it in life because it all fits under the grief umbrella.

Add to that your man returning to his wife. Some humiliation there.

I'd suggest to you that he wasnt lying to you that he felt he'd never return to her. Like in a really bad arguement despised her. But like all arguements sometimes it reverses and common ground is found. The father in him would have missed his full time fatherhood also. They obviously came to an agreement and that agreement meant immediate cut off from you. This would be really hurtful.For him not to at least comfort you in some way questions my mind as to his compassion for other humans. He would have known your level of hurt.

So, moving on. How?. Like all trauma grief takes time, however, that doesnt mean you should deprive yourself of laughter, entertainment or friendship. For me l could only move on fully when l found the affection of another. You might not think so at this raw period but there are other guys just as worthy of your heart.

Be aware of a possible mistake on your part...taking him back if he feels his marriage wont work. It often happens. You are not a ping ball.

Google the following

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Tony WK

Tough time

Brokengrl — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 06:53:36 GMT

Hi White Knight

thank you for taking the time to reply.

I try to keep going with daily activities. I still catch up with friends. Go out to movies, and have booked an overseas holiday. I try to find pleasure in activities, I just don't feel it, I guess that's the depression.

I found his behavior quite cruel. I could respect his decision to return to his family if he had taken the time to explain. But to blind side me then disappear off the face of the planet is cruel. I don't understand how a human could do that to another human, especially if they cared for them. It's a tough road.

To put a time line into perspective, it was 4 months ago that he ended things and I never heard from him again, and I don't believe I will ever hear from him again. Any relationship we had is destroyed.

I will look at the topic you recommended.

Thank you

Tough time

White_Rose — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 09:03:46 GMT

Hello Brokengrl

Welcome to the forum. Tony is right, all grief takes time to heal and that's not what you want to hear. I agree this was a heartless and selfish act to walk out on you in that fashion. I can only imagine your pain and distress. You have survived four months without him which means you have some resilience and strength. It's a great start.

I am trying work out whether this man was using you to make his wife take him back, or if he did really care and bowed to his wife's ultimatum to return, perhaps on threat of not seeing his children again. Does either of these two scenarios seem real to you? And of course there is the third option, he missed his children too muc and wanted to be there while they grew up. And you will never know.

What to do now? I think you have answered your own question to some extent. Get on with your life and let time soften his memory until you can live without hurt. I make it sound so easy and of course it's not. There is no other option but to go on living your life. If you are finding this very distressful what do you think about talking to a grief counsellor. Your loss has not been happening gradually and in a way you could start to get accustomed to it. It was done and dusted in the blink of an eye and that was a dreadful shock to your system. I see Tony calls it trauma and that's what it is.

You said you had problems with depression. How is that going? Do you see anyone or take any antidepressant medication? If not, do you think it would help to talk to a psychologist, GP or counsellor? Sometimes talking about these hurtful things helps to make sense of them, to understand how they can affect you and help you to walk this path until you can give away the hurt.

Another way is to record your thoughts in a journal. I write in my journal spasmodically. Sometimes every day but more often when I am most upset and need to talk. Yes I'm talking to myself but it sounds quite different when it's written down and I read it. Have you ever tried this?

Writing in to BB has been a great help to many people. I hope you will find it a safe place to talk about your sadness, your hopes and anything else you can think of.

Mary

Tough time

Brokengrl — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 09:33:58 GMT

Hi Mary

also thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I do believe it is possible she may have said she would stop him seeing the kids if he stayed with me. The night he ended the relationship with me, I could see the tears in his eyes, but he just wouldn't talk to me. In hindsight I recognize he was extremely stressed, run down and frequently unwell, lack of appetite, chronically tired. I think the stress, mixed with his complete devotion to his kids meant going back to the familiarity and comfort of his family was his choice rather than face further stress that comes with divorce. I do believe his love for me was genuine, but not strong enough to sustain him through the stress.

Yes I do take antidepressant medication and see a psychologist. I have tried journaling which helped for a while. However since losing my friend unexpectedly I havnt journaled. In some way I feel like writing it down and seeing how real it is will be too overwhelming for me to emotionally deal with atm.

Depression is a tough Illness to fight. I'm finding this forum very helpful. I feel I can freely post my feelings without judgement. And by reading some of the other posts, very sound advice is offered to people who are struggling. I do feel pretty low at the moment. Not to the point where I would contemplate harming myself. But I don't feel much hope in regard to finding happiness in the future. Having suffered these losses. I worry that I won't feel better.

Hope this makes sense.

Tough time

White_Rose — Sat, 18 Feb 2017 15:13:56 GMT

Hello Brokengrl

You make perfect sense. The loss of anyone dear to you can be devastating. I read posts on BB that make me want to weep hearing the pain that others are experiencing. Sometimes I feel frustrated because I have only words to help you. Do you remember the song "It's only words"? Not sure if that's the right title but every time I hear it I feel the anguish in the words.

I often wish I could reach through the computer and hold the hand of the person I'm talking to. Since we haven't got that far with technology I can only ask you to know that metaphorically I am holding your hand. BB certainly is a judgement-free zone.

Journaling works in different ways for everyone. What I do is write down what is happening but do not read it again, possibly for some time. Writing your thoughts and putting them away can be a way to acknowledge your losses and park them until you are ready to look at what has happened.

Occasionally I have read my journal from years ago for the first time and been quite shocked. Not at the hurt or whatever but at what I have written. I find, for me, the written memories are different to those I have adapted to over time and it's then I can look back and see how far I have come. Yes, journaling can be difficult if we read it straight away. Maybe putting it away to read later is symbolically filing those things that hurt until a later date.

Having a MH professional to talk to can be helpful and reassuring. It's another safe place to let go of your hurt and anger.

That wretched illness can make us believe all sorts of things. The trick is to learn what is real and normal. Grief is natural when someone goes out of your life for whatever reason. It's good you can see, with the benefit of hindsight, the stress your BF was experiencing. Recognising his distress can help you because, as you say, he really did care for you. Being pulled in two directions must have been a huge strain on him. In reality it may have been all he could do at the time to say he was leaving and go.

When you start to see the situation from the other's point of view I believe you are on the path to recovery. You may love him for the rest of your life but the hurt will fade over time. I sometimes talk about forgiveness. Not because the other person wants or needs it, but because it means you are letting go and healing. Now you can see through your distress and look at his. This is you finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

Mary

Tough time

Brokengrl — Sun, 19 Feb 2017 00:05:40 GMT

I think I'm really struggling with resentment. I feel so angry that I was bought into this situation when he quite clearly wasn't sure his marriage was over.

I feel resentment that he has essentially gone back to live this perfect family life, completely unaffected while it feels like I was left behind a crumpled broken mess on the floor. I don't at all resent that the children now have a complete family environment, I know how important that is. That is probably the only good thing that came out of this situation.

Is it normal for me to feel such resentment towards him? I feel like he has no clue about the impact his actions had on me. He appears to have moved on with out a care in the world. I wish I could have 5 minutes with him, just so he can see the damage he caused and so I could vent to him all the things I want to tell him. I know this opportunity will never happen and my psych tells me I need to move forward without ever getting closure. However I am definitely an over thinker and the thoughts fill my mind often. I have come up with a thousand different scenarios to explain why he left. But I think this is actually starting to slowly get better.

I'm just left with this feeling of frustration and resentment. How come he gets the perfect life when he was the one who did the wrong thing. I never would have got involved or interfered if I had known their marriage still had a chance.

Tough time

White_Rose — Sun, 19 Feb 2017 00:50:31 GMT

Hello Brokengrl

You have a right to feel angry at being hurt in this fashion. It is normal and in fact very healthy. I don't know if you have ever heard of the stages of grief. I cannot remember them exactly but they are something like this. Shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. We go from one emotion to another, being angry, then depressed, accepting the situation then feeling guilty. We stay in some states longer than others but it is all the normal way of grieving. No need to give yourself a bad time.

He may have thought his marriage was over, you will never know. Knowing may not be all you would hope for as it will not change the situation or mend your hurt. You are on the right track for healing even though it hurts like hell at the moment. I want someone, who has hurt me badly, to knock on my door and explain and apologise. This is not a romantic situation, far from it, but the harm done to me is enormous. I doubt I will ever know the reason and I believe that person will never know the reason or understand the damage I have received. I can only help myself and put aside wishful thinking about an apology. It will not happen and it adds to my sorrow to think about it.

So in many ways we are both in the same boat. I find my volunteer work of great help because I am giving to someone else in need. At least I hope so. For you, going to work every day is the same as my volunteer stuff. It gives us a focus for the day and in some ways puts aside the grief, at least for a short while. You do need some respite now and then. Rest when you can because grief is exhausting.

Reasons really do not matter because the hurt will not change. You may believe he acted with the greatest integrity and was noble and honest, or you may think he took you for a ride, used and abused you. Which makes more sense or is it something in between? It just doesn't matter. No explanation will help you. Sorry to bang on about this. Let the hurt wash over you and flow away.

My GP once told me it was OK to grieve, but only once a day. I could sit down and think about the situation for either one hour or half an hour, cannot remember which. After that I had to get up and do something completely different and not go back to the subject until next day. Use an alarm clock to tell you when to stop. It does work and it is less exhausting than the constant worry. Have a go.

Mary

Tough time

Jugglin_Strugglin — Sun, 19 Feb 2017 01:18:17 GMT

Hello Brokengrl, reading your post took me back many yrs to an episode of depressin that lasted several yrs. The shoe was on the other foot, sort of, in that my husband of 13yrs was playing around with his best mates sister and she fell pregnant, so of course my now ex had no choice but to make a life with her..sadly we had no kids...how I wished we did thru that bout of depression. And how I imagined their perfect life, whilst I was left with nothing.

What can I say. Time has healed, and I no longer have many feelings at all. It was a long time getting here though. My life did move on..after about 18 mths of those thoughts holding me back. But you have to grieve, & everyone is different. It is amazing to see couples split up, only to be back in new relationships within mths or even weeks with some? It can't be healthy, but maybe that is how some people deal with love lost. Lucky them? I don't know, but I do know that I'm not one of them.

About his perfect life. From what I can see, his life would be far from perfect. He has gone back to a toxic relationship and is most likely back into the same situation he described to you, separate rooms, no love, no understanding etc for the sake of the kids. The tears in his eyes when he told you show that he did have true feelings for you and that he knew full well what he was forced to give up...a new start with an understanding partner. So perhaps he is also thinking of the perfect life he has forsaken. No one is a winner here. Not him, not his wife, & you are certainly not atm.

You said that the relationship you had is destroyed now. He is not the one for you. So you know that you must move forward. It is great that you have been planning ahead, a trip is something to look forward to. I know it isn't easy, but put some energy into thinking about this, the things you'll do, the people you'll meet. Perhaps fate has you meeting the one on this trip?

It is totally normal that you are feeling this resentment. You had a double blow with losing your friend at the same time. It is natural that depression has overtaken your feelings. Is it natures way of making you deal with these losses, as part of grieving? It is common to overthink and catastrophise when depressed. With time you will be able to think differently of the past, & hopefully take in some lessons from it all.

You WILL feel better & find happiness in the future. I have found love & laughter after it was SO black for SO long. I have my own kids now!

Tough time

Brokengrl — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 08:23:40 GMT

Hey Jugglin

thank you so much for your reply.

Its nice to think that this has happened to other people and they get better.

I read other posts and listen to other people talk about how their ex would text them on and off. Something I found interesting is how he has had absolutely no contact with me. A lot of the time when you're inlove, it's like the other person is your drug, and having contact with them is like getting a fix.

At the moment I feel like I meant nothing to him. Because he gave me up so easily.

Anyway. Just needed a vent tonight.

Tough time

Jugglin_Strugglin — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 09:19:45 GMT

It helps so much to vent. We all do it here, it is a safe place, and a big plus is the feedback. It is healthy and helps to put everything into perspective.

I had absolutely no contact with ex either. It definitely hurt after 13yrs. I felt like I'd wasted all that time. In hindsight, it is probably easier to make a clean break. It is still incredibly hard but I think it would be even harder to have repeated contact. It would be like taking 3 steps back. Our minds do all the imagining of what they are doing, but in a way it is better than knowing the reality. It would hurt to know if he was happy, and maybe it would hurt more to know if he wasn't. I'll let you think of your reactions to both scenarios- I'm know you've thought of 100s but actually knowing would make you imagine another whole heap of scenarios.

It is better to make a clean break. The grieving will be over sooner that way. Then you can move forward and live. Your heart will be open and ready for when the right person walks into your life. You have a lot to look forward to. It's gonna happen. As they say, probably when you least expect it.

A day at a time atm. I hope today was better for you.

Lee x

Tough time

Brokengrl — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 01:17:54 GMT

I just need to vent here. My psychologist generally doesn't let me talk about my relationship break down, they often reply with " guess you'll never know " and change topic.

I just feel really confused today. For someone who told me his relationship was so broken ( of course this is only his version of the story) I don't understand how his marriage was magically fixed over night just because he told her he was moving on. She literally moved back in home the very next day after he broke up with me.

I have so many questions. Like. How can a couple make a relationship work if one party is inlove with someone else? I guess it's difficult for me to understand because I've never been married. I guess at the end of the day their relationship is none of my business. It's just so hard to go from a relationship where we were so inlove to being non existent in one day.

I'll admit for so long I thought after a few weeks he would calm down and come crawling back. But now that he hasn't, I feel shocked.

I have these moments of terrible anxiety relating to this, yesterday I really struggled with anxiety all day in relation to this. One friend told me, maybe he never really loved me, he just loved the idea of the life we could have had.

I think I just keep feeling surprised that their relationship has lasted and he never came crawling back. I don't understand how they fixed everything from years of being broken.

Tough time

themadchatter — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 12:03:34 GMT

Hello Broken Girl, how are you doing this evening?

I read your initial paragraph and was surprised that our stories are remarkably similar. I met a female online however not on a dating site but on Facebook, she had been previously married but had seperated from her ex husband. I won't go into all the details, but I will say I have been where you are feeling left behind and she has commenced a new relationship with someone else and left me feeling like I was nothing but garbage to be tossed aside.

The emotions you have experienced as a result of this ordeal are natural. Loneliness, depression, resentment. The desire to find out why he did this to you is understandable. And the feeling that you will probably never get closure does sting most of all but all I can say as time goes on you will think of him less and less as I have with my own situation.

Just ask yourself will dwelling on the grief this caused you enrich your life, I will say it won't. It will only rob you of what little joy and happiness is inside you.

If you ever need any advice, don't hesitate to seek it. I'd be more than happy to help

themadchatter

Tough time

Brokengrl — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 06:42:54 GMT

I had a massive panic attack today. I was scrolling through social media, and a picture came up of the ex, apparently he knows someone I also know. I don't know there was a mutual connection. Seeing the photo sent me into a spin. He looked really happy and healthy. For so long I was assuming he must be miserable. But seeing he's not really cut deep. I wasn't expecting to have such a strong reaction either. Since seeing the photo, I just keep crying. I don't want to still love him, but I really do. It feels rediculous that my heart won't accept what my mind knows. I feel so broken. And I feel tired from the grief and sadness. The pain becomes unbearable. It's so hard.

I had my heart broken once, and always said I would be so much more careful. But I had my heart broken a second time even when I thought I was being so careful. I feel like I'm cursed to never be happy.

Tough time

themadchatter — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 08:18:11 GMT

To Broken Girl

Truly sorry to see you suffered a panic attack today. It was really unfair for him to do what he did and in the way he did it. I can understand those feelings you felt today of seeing someone you used to like now seeming to be happier. The hurt does run deep but just know someone, somewhere out there will mend the pieces of your heart that have been broken. You will find happiness again I assure you

themadchatter

Tough time

Brokengrl — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 02:43:46 GMT

So a bit of an update.

After being very emotional the other day. I got my first email from him in 4 months. He asked what I wanted from him. After giving this some thought I decided this was probably my only opportunity to explain how I feel. So I decided to write him a letter, in summary explaining the hurt I felt and that it was hard that he walked away without giving me any answers. At the end the thing I told him I wanted 2 things from him. For him to just acknowledge that I was hurt. And to tell me he will never come back to me. These are both things he never told me. And I really feel that if he does this, I will have the closure I need to move on. I explained that to him. In return I will leave him alone, he will never see or hear from me ever again.

I appreciate that he has probably shared the letter with his wife, as he is probably trying to be honest with her. I don't think my requests are unreasonable. It results in them being free of the reminder of me for ever, which is a good thing for them.

How ever. He has not replied. I know he would have received and read the letter. I feel disappointed that he won't give me the closure I need. I don't see why he won't, he gets what he wants, he stays with his family, with no interference from me. So I don't understand why he won't do this one simple thing.

The good news is, I'm actually feeling much better about the end of the relationship, after my emotional day I had the other day, it was like a release, all the pent up emotion and grief was released, and in myself I feel ready to accept, let go and move on. So I feel good about that. I have felt better over the last few days than I have in months. Maybe I needed to have that emotional breakdown in order for me to move on.

Tough time

Brokengrl — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 06:31:04 GMT

I'm feeling a bit frustrated.

So the ex replied to an email asking what I wanted from him. I replied and said I wanted him to acknowledge how much he hurt me, and give me closure by telling me he will never come back to me.

I don't feel like these are unrealistic requests. It works out well for his relationship with his wife because it means he will be free of me. I gave him my word I would never contact him again if he could give me what I asked.

I know he got the email. But he has not replied. And I really don't understand why he wouldn't. Surely his wife would be happy for him to tell me he will never return, it benefits her if I no longer have contact with him. So I'm completely baffled why he won't reply?

I know I can find closure on my own with time without his reply. But his response would really help me.

Can anyone think of a reason he may not reply? Am I being unreasonable?

Tough time

Brokengrl — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 08:52:54 GMT

I'm feeling so lonely. Every one says it's okay. Because everything will get better in time. And I really thought I'd had my share and things couldn't get worse for me. However.

I've had to end a friendship with a close friend because it became toxic for me. There was a a lot of criticism of me from this person. I don't mind constructive criticism, but the way it was being done was really quite hurtful. With my current depression, this was not helping me.

Next, I've had a very close friend walk away from our friendship because they feel my depression is too much for them to handle. I have relied so much on this person for over 12 years, they have been an integral part of my life.

Because of my anxiety and depression, I do not have many friends at all, I don't let people get close out of a fear of hurting me. With the loss of these two people. I am left with family, and my best friend as the only people in my life.

I feel exhausted and defeated. Just when I think things can't get worse for me, something else happens to knock me down. How much is a person supposed to take? At this rate. I will have absolutely nothing left at the end of the year. Is there some kind of force out there trying to completely break me?

Tough time

White_Rose — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 10:37:48 GMT

Hello Brokengrl

I appreciate your disappointment that you did not receive an answer from the ex. I suspect he is treading a fine line here and being unsure what to do. I think you can safely say he will not return, whatever his motives for leaving. It's a natural desire to want to know where you stand in any kind of relationship. Usually we have an instinctive knowledge about friends and family but BF can be different. We invest so much of ourselves in that relationship that it seems we need the other people to sever the bond. In this case I think you have received as much as he will give and will need to make the final break yourself.

This is always hard. It can be so final, if painful, to hear someone say "It's all over, goodbye" but it is easier to accept. This man cannot do this it seems. Maybe he wants you to make the final statement although you have said you will not contact him again. Whatever his thoughts and feelings I think it is now time for you to make the final break. He cannot or will not do this and you are left in limbo a little. Getting out must be under your own steam.

So, how to do this. You have used the opportunity to tell him how you feel and this can be satisfying to know you have had your say. Blocking his emails will not appear to make much difference because he is unlikely to write again. It is a symbolic gesture and part of the letting go. Do the same with your phone. It is you making the decision regardless of whether he tries or wants to contact you again. You are in charge. And this is a good feeling. Make sure you do not go to places he is likely to go. He will probably not be socialising as much now that he has resumed his family commitments.

You have lost two good friends and this is sad. Friend one became a toxic relationship. In the long run it is better not to have much to do with people who can only feel good about themselves by putting others down. Yes you enjoyed this person's company but it was at a price. Close that door firmly, blocking access to you if necessary.

Friend two is a different matter. She has been a great support for you. Do you think it has been a two-way street or has the support been one-way, to you only. I have a friend who relies on me for support and at times it is hard because I am not always in the best place. So if she phones when I am really down I tell her I am unable to talk because I am not managing. Sometimes we will have a general conversation, other times we ring off.

Mary

Tough time

White_Rose — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 11:02:02 GMT

Sorry about the abrupt ending. I ran out of word allowance.

My friend knows there are times I cannot talk. I tend not to rely on her for support much because I feel she cannot provide this, a comment she has made in the past. She will phone me to say she cares even if she does not have the words to say and this is OK. I feel good about this.

Twelve years is a long time to be a supporter. It places a huge strain on the other person especially when they are feeling a bit down. Do you have a counsellor or psychologist to talk to? I think this would be helpful for you and relieve the pressure on your friends. Professional mental health workers know how to manage these sorts of relationships.

I think I sound a little as though I am telling you off. Please don't take it this way. If you and your friend can get together again it would be healthy if you talked about the level of support she can offer you and you can agree that when she cannot do this she can say so. I suggest you open up a little to other people. I find this very difficult and at times feel I am being a nuisance to others. Maybe I am but I rely on them to say so and I try to learn self-management processes. This is where a counsellor would be very helpful.

Just when we think it's safe to get into the water again we see another shark. So annoying. Maybe you can find another beach and bit of ocean to swim in. Motivation is a crafty beast. We believe we must be motivated before we can do anything. Actually need to start doing something to kick-start the motivation and that's hard. So focus on doing one thing however small and enjoy your success. Then add something else and enjoy that success.

It's easy to say every time you think of the ex, change your thinking, but it's not easy. You need to set up a list of diversions and immediately go to one of them when the ex pops into your mind. It takes practice so don't get upset when it doesn't work straight away. Keep going and it will get easier.

Now before I run out of words again I will say you have come this far, keep going. You will get there in the end. Let me know if my suggestions are helpful.

Mary