topic BB Single Parents Group in Relationship and family issues

BB Single Parents Group

CMF — Tue, 21 Mar 2017 21:41:10 GMT

Hi all,

One of the things I love about these forums is that as well as dealing with the heavy stuff there is space to chill out and connect with people in in a social forum. After reading threads from other single parents I noticed that many of us feel alone at times, unsupported, we feel we are not doing a good enough job or we are just plain old worn out or frustrated. I thought I would start this thread for all the single parents out there who just want a space to chill out, relax, maybe compare notes, ask for advice and to pretty much know you are not alone.

It's a tough gig, we are all doing the best we can.

CMF

BB Single Parents Group

blondguy — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 00:19:17 GMT

Hey CMF

Great and very relevant thread!

It can be isolating to have depression let alone being a single parent thrown into the mix

A tough gig it is and I am sure many will appreciate a place to visit with other people in the same boat

Nice1

Paul

BB Single Parents Group

CMF — Wed, 22 Mar 2017 02:02:02 GMT

Thx Paul,

Sometimes just knowing you are not alone can make a difference. You have had a tough time i have discovered via other threads. You are amazing and i'm sorry this is late but sending you big hugs and good energy.

I've been really tough on my kids last few weeks. I'm at the end of my tether driving up and down morning and afternoon when they can walk to catch the train/tram to school. It is less than a 10 min walk. This morning they both walked out and walked to get transport. i don't mind if it is boiling hot or raining but if not why can't they walk like every other kid does? It's my fault, because i do it for them but I'm tired, really tired up and back school, sports practice, picking up from friends houses. Their dad does nothing, however when he is interstate at his girlfriends he drives her son to school and takes her son to play tennis but does not respond to his own daughter when she messaged him to see if he would take her to trampoline class. His 'new' family is more important. i lost it last night, told them i am doing the job of 2 parents. i know they were upset but they need to understand..I'm really sick of it.

Anyone else get frustrated or am i just a meanie?

cmf

BB Single Parents Group

blondguy — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:55:36 GMT

Hi CMF

you are no meanie at all. We have spoken for a long time and I understand the pain and anguish you have been going through.

You will probably still be in pain now. I know you have the 'grrr' factor happening with your ex.

Just humble opinion but I dont see frustration either. I do see that you are hurt

Sorry if thats a bit basic but my ex used to sandbag the crap out me to my daughter when she was only 2. (not saying you are doing that of course!) The sandbagging towards me is still happening now even though my daughter lives on her own at 24 and with a ton of anger (and the self harming)

I guess Im just reflecting the pain you feel

It can be bad place to be in whether for you, me or anyone.

Being a single parent can be bad news sometimes for sure

Kids first.....us second which you know anyway xo

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CJs_mum — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 22:59:14 GMT

yup, know that grr kinda feeling...but you'll get there - as said by Blondguy (who is indeed fabulous!) the kids come first, no matter what.
Isn't it a teenagers job to drive their mum crazy anyway? Just wait until they have kids: Best-Pay-Back-EVER...so I hear....well, i'm hearing things from my 8 year old i remember back-chatting to my mum. It worked for me, doesn't work for my daughter! "I know that trick, I've BEEN that trick, ha!"

Keep trying. Keep ensuring They are responsible for their actions: ie: if they can't get up in the morning when you tell them to, they still have to walk to school and suffer the concequenses of being late. Maybe set an alarm for them and say after that alarm, they have 10 minutes to get dressed, 20 minutes to eat brekky and 10 minutes to walk to school (the remainder time is for them to either play, pack their bags or find that missing shoe etc). After the alarm, its not your job to get them to school on time, its theirs.

Good luck!!

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CJs_mum — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 23:11:12 GMT

Raising the issue here....please forgive me or ignore me if this hurts!!
I just want to add that i understand how hard and tiring it is even as a single dad.
In a very sad case in our society now we tend to favour the mum over the dad - the sad, usual story we hear is the bloke just walks away and has another family he shows love and caring for or if not, then he's never there anyway. He totally ignores the family he just left, did/does nothing for them - leaving them destitute, poor, in a bad way and very angry etc.
It doesn't happen that way all the time! It isn't always the dads fault. It isn't always the dad who doesn't want to be a father.
It isn't always just the mum who "should" be with the kids.

But it is hard for both parents and kids without a mum and a dad at least in the picture - and some support along for the ride.
I hope that you both can find some help, support and love and some others to be there for you and for the kids as good role models of what life can/could be like.
That said: when it became clear my daughters father was not going to be in the picture, I searched for a father figure for my daughters life. I met some great people, and some hard (i regret even saying "horrible?") people who treated me and my daughter without any respect or true love. I stopped being so desperate to find "that father figure" and relaxed. I am now in a very good relationship and can honestly say he's had a good influence on her life. He is a single dad and has shown his kids and my daughter that fathers can be good too. That hard work for the kids does pay off and that it is tough being alone as a single dad - and single mum.
I hope that continues.
May it for you!

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CJs_mum — Sat, 25 Mar 2017 23:22:37 GMT

one last post then i'm going to get a bit of shut eye before my daughter wakes up:

re: getting kids to school. The best radio interview I've heard on a commercial station was just recently.
The interviewers promised a fabulous interview with a "woman who has it all, does it all, is perfect and can teach you how to handle your kids!"
They introduced her as the "child whisperer", the "know-it-all", "the organised doer when it comes to getting her kids to school on time, every time!"
She butted in there and said "Pfft, what?! No, we were late this morning. Our house is chaos at the moment! My youngest couldn't find her hat and my eldest destroyed his homework last night...guess who I made clean it up and do it again at midnight?!"
She then went on to explain that this (or chaos very much like it) happens pretty much in every household in the morning and everyone is in the same boat, screaming at the kids to put on their shoes, jump in the car, find that sock/hat/library book etc). And that is ok.

Organisation helps but things still happen. That is ok. If you're all a little late because one lost something or overslept, well, its a lesson for the kids to talk about with you and plan better for next time...tomorrow is another day - and if it was you who lost something or overslept, ok appologise and simply move on to the next thing. Just be there for them, that's all you really can be. It is your job to be there and it is your job to teach them responsibility. Its their job to learn it and move forward. We're all in the same boat, we'll all try to get better one day lol That was her message in the end.

I wished i'd caught her name, but she had a great message for disorganized me ("getting better" me).

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CMF — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 02:27:23 GMT

Hi CJ's mum,

thanks for joining the thread. My kids are good at getting up and getting ready for school, especially my son. They are very rarely late. I was getting annoyed that we are a 10 min walk to transport yet they want to be driven. Anyway, after putting my foot down they have been walking. My son and daughter walk together, on goes to the tram and one the train. They've even been walking home. If it is really hot or really cold i don't mind making the trip. They have been good and if/when i do drive them or pick them up they are more appreciative, so i has been good.

Thanks for your input, nice to have you here.

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blondguy — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 19:51:57 GMT

Hi CJs_mum

Thankyou for the mega compliment. You really have some experience happening in your background too

CMF has stumbled across a great thread topic with single parents doing it tough and having a place to vent

Nice one CMF!

Paulxo

BB Single Parents Group

CMF — Mon, 27 Mar 2017 01:14:12 GMT

Thanks Paul,

I hope more people come across it. Only a single parent can know what it is like to be a single parent, regardless of the situation. If we can help each other out with tips and suggestions and listen to each other because we understand, then it's bonus.

I moved my son from a private to public school recently as he was hating the private school and i saw no benefit from it. His dad not approve and contributed nothing toward the new school expenses. My son is happy, enjoying his new school, got 86% for an oral presentation in English, i hear more about his schoolwork and what he has done and is doing than i ever heard when he was at the private school. He has been adding more to his school work because he sees his friends have put in a bot more, he is applying for part time jobs because all the kids at his new school have part time jobs, at his old school not many did. All these positive things are because of me. Of course his dad is going around saying 'WE' move him but he had nothing to do with it.

My little girl turned 4 over the weekend. Haven't seen or heard from her dad since xmas and didn't hear anything for her bday. I was stressing that i had let her down,that i didn't do enough for her. This morning she woke up and out of the blue said it was 'the bestest birthday ever'.

What can I say!

cmf

BB Single Parents Group

kanga_brumby — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 01:27:30 GMT

CMF what a great thread, a place for us single parents to get and seek advice from other parents in a similar place. We understand how hard it is not to have some one to bounce ideas off. Or have a gripe about the problems we are facing.

About your partner (ahole) if he is not interested in helping raise the child/ children. He shouldn't take credit for any improvement in academic stuff. If the child also takes on pt work as well because the child sees there mates doing it. Both the child and you get the pat on the back. The farther gets nothing. He has done nothing so he gets nothing.

Again great thread.

Kanga Bounce

BB Single Parents Group

CMF — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 03:40:10 GMT

Thanks kanga,

I'm glad you came across it. We all support each other either way but i think it is nice to have really specific threads. I'm loving your 'garden' thread, it is really 'growing'. Gardening is so therapeutic.

Hope you are doing ok. I'm glad you were able to settle your young one.

BB Single Parents Group

kanga_brumby — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 04:05:30 GMT

Knowing the condition I have, treatment and so forth. Plus with my personality I know my daughter I had her laughing before she left. She at least filled me in a bit, some rely personal stuff. She didn't know how I'd take it. Now she knows how I'd take it, and a lot more relaxed about it. Like no matter what she is my daughter, and always will be. It's called unconditional love. You can choose your friends and lovers, family your stuck with. Most of us in our family some where there is a person who is embarrassing.

Hands up if its you. ( mine is up) after all when I was a kid my farther embarrassed us kids. Now the embarrassment continues. In tradition pass it on down the line. My dad always sang All Jolson we kept asking to stop every time there was a family do rellos around Jolson. Then the daddy dancing. With me it's I am going to marry one of the daughters teachers. "No you cant its not on you cannot marry a teacher." ( we aren't interested in each other any way. just baiting the daughter.)

Kanga

BB Single Parents Group

cakeboss — Sun, 28 May 2017 21:06:54 GMT

Hi there im new to this group.I to are a single parent and you dont have time to be unwell do you .I find there is no time for anxiety and depression to set in is there.Ive been told i do a awesome job its the finacial side that i find tough to deal with.my kids are my world and i do have help from my ex ,Its tough finacially the worry can get to you at times.I cant take stress does anyone else feel the same .Im currently seeing a counciler and just wondered if they face this to like me .

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CMF — Mon, 29 May 2017 00:11:36 GMT

Kanga, you are a cheeky one saying you'll marry the teacher 😃.

Hi cakeboss and welcome. Thanks for joining this thread. Yes i hear you loud and clear. How old are your kids? Mine will save for things they want alot which helps. It also teaches them the value of things. The worry and anxiety gets to me too at times. Hang in there, we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Cmf

BB Single Parents Group

bluewater — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 16:32:28 GMT

Hi everyone,

It certainly is hard at times i was having similar issues as you CMF I had my secondary school kids demand i drove them to and from school or most of the time they wouldn't go my life is spent soley meeting their needs I've got no support from anyone with this matter so that's out of the question. I've explained to the kid's im tired im just so exhausted you'd think they'd want to help out especially the 17 year-old or am I asking to much as he's also got anxiety issues from the same incident as me? but i know what their capable of im just stuck wondering if its my job to still baby my high school kids! yes you can tell im exhausted

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CMF — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 22:47:55 GMT

Hi bluewater,

welcome and thanks for joining this thread.

I think at high school level we need to step back a little and at 17 yes definitely. Having said that though, i don't know the degree of his anxiety. Is he receiving help for that? My kids now walk, no arguments. If it is really cold or raining i offer to drive them. My son was probably the lazier one but i pointed out that when he wanted to go out with friends he was capable of finding his own way so he could do the same with school. When he is at his dad's and his dad refuses to take him anywhere he makes his own way and it is a lot further too. Overall he is pretty good.

I would say high school is a good time to let go and let them be independent as much as you can, as long as they are safe of course.

cmf

BB Single Parents Group

kanga_brumby — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 23:15:05 GMT

Hi I have 15 and 18 year old. Both at secondary both different schools. Each makes there own way, all year round. They don't want there old man droping them off, heaven forbid. He might want a cuddle good bye. that's so uncool.

Kanga.

BB Single Parents Group

bluewater — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 00:42:01 GMT

Thanks everyone I so need to let go! I think my main reason is i feel my child who is doing VCE will just drop out if I dont take her and she has even threatened it. Her psychologist has said she is capable of going herself he believes.

I dont want her to fail but know that she's struggling and we are getting some help but it doesn't take away from me being tired ahhhh im just making excuses.

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kanga_brumby — Mon, 19 Jun 2017 01:29:39 GMT

After having 5 kids off to school then going back to work. My mother returned to school. Got years 10 through to 12 knocked off passed the lot. Then went to university again passing. Her brother also went to university and got his doctorate with honers. His pay grade went through the roof. Traveling the world having discussions with people in very high places. So there is hope for your daughter yet bluewater.

Kanga