topic When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down? in Relationship and family issues

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 14:41:14 GMT

Funny that I can talk openly about Tourette's, anxiety and my previous marital breakdown, but when it comes to being intimate with someone, I just cannot find the words that don't come across as distasteful.

I have never been the successful bachelor, or the mister right now. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen to guys like me. I am the dork, the geek, the pear shaped cast-aside. I am the one that everyone passes and no one sees; when I stand in a crowd, the crowd stands out. But yesterday impossible happened... I awoke next to someone who I have just met. Even though I felt extremely uncomfortable at the time, I couldn't bring myself sneak out and leave her to feel disrespected; so I stayed. This morning I learnt that she is a really nice person; someone worth spending time with. On departure, she gave me her phone number and asked me to call her. I have no idea what she sees in me, as I am definitely not the catch of the day.

I don't want a purely physical relationship; I want one that is built on the good solid foundation of friendship. I am afraid if I call that she'll want to just be physical again. And I am afraid if I don't, I will miss out on a second chance to live again. How do I put the brakes on the physical stuff to see if a friendship can occur first?

Any suggestions on what to do now would be appreciated.

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

blondguy — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 20:19:26 GMT

Hello SB

I really felt like I was reading my own post when I read your thread topic.

My social life has vaporized since the bulk of the anxiety whacked me when I was 23. I have tried hard to rebuild my social network of friends but with the 'leftovers of anxiety' and then depression all I had the energy for was to keep my own health/career intact...anyhow...

I know its not what you are after in a relationship (same here) but I would feel uncomfortable as well in your situation the next morning. I hear you.

Just my humble opinion but I would hold onto that phone number and.....reciprocate, of course...in your time.

I have a wonderful elderly couple that live up the street from me. He is in his mid '90's with dementia and his wife is late '80's.

The gorgeous (Im very serious) wife made a pass at her hubby to be in the 1940's...Hubby was in WW2 and carried an M-60 machine gun over his shoulder.

Bless her heart....she gave him her address when she was young.....she liked him SB....just like what has happened to you. They have been married for over 60 years...

You have everything to gain here and nothing to lose, I envy your situation...

Good on you to SB

my best

Paul

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Doolhof — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 20:54:35 GMT

Hi SB,

Give the lady a call and see what happens. Invite her out to dinner or to the movies.

Hopefully there will be more than just the physical connection between the two of you.

Without exploring the possibility, you will never know.

Be true to yourself in all of this, you know what kind of a guy you are and what your values are.

Some experiences are only for a moment, others last a lifetime!

All the best to you from Mrs. Dools

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

white knight — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 00:05:21 GMT

Hi,

You don't have to reduce your intimate moments to seek friendship.

Id allow your intimate moments to come and go naturally. Sometimes we can over think things.

Relationships are best treated as fluid like not structured or regulation in a conscious way.

Tony WK

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

V17 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 03:24:16 GMT

Nice to meet you SubduedBlue's,
May I just say I like your display name. I am not really feeling mine at the mo, so please call me V.

Okay, you've cleaned out the pipes, cool.
One thing I need to be aware of is how I am feeling at any given moment. Particularly when it has come to the 'intimacy thing'. I would think to myself Wow, they really like me; no-one really likes me or pays me attention. This feels incredible to be wanted. Then based on my initial reaction I would proceed to put them on a pedestal and blink stupidly when it all turned sour. So, I really applaud your ability Subdued, to be able to correlate that solid friendship needs to be founded on the vital stuff eg, trust, sharing values etc. Kinda like a car really, let's say you wanna buy a car - I mean, anyone can jump in and let her rip. It's the things like, checking to see if the towbar has been worn - can you afford to fix a car that has had a lot of heavy loads? Is the car a family wagon? Sedan? 4WD? What is it like when it travels uphill? Does it splutter or pur like a kitten? Yeah?
I guess what I am saying Subdued is that, you are obviously here in this forum for a reason and I think it is wise of you to choose the put the brakes on early. You may discover that she is just as incredible as you are or you may discover that she didn't quite make the grade and that's okay. At least you are seeing your worth and not fitting into another person's ideal. Go out and lead by your example, it is all relevant.

V.

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

V17 — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 03:27:02 GMT

Thank you for sharing your post Subdued. It helps me understand me better. V.

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 10:26:22 GMT

Thanks for the input everyone, it gives me plenty to consider.

One more question, if I choose to wait a few days before calling her... how long can I wait before it becomes too long?

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Doolhof — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 11:41:56 GMT

Hey SB,

How long is a piece of string? I'm sure you have heard that said before.

I have no idea about these things.

Phoning back the very next day may make a person sound a little desperate.

Phoning after a couple of days to just say goodaye and suggest you catch up again next week might work.

Leaving it a month might be a bit too long.

If you can't get this lady out of your mind, give her a call. You can take things a little slower next time.

By the way, did she ask for your number at all? Not that I really know what the difference is.

Back when Noah was a lad and I was dating, I had to walk down the street to make calls from the phone box as the flat I was in didn't have the phone connected to the wall!

Best of luck SB from Mrs. Dools

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Mon, 31 Oct 2016 10:13:53 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools

How long is a piece of string you ask? Why it is exactly twice as long as from the middle to one end.

But, I understand what you are suggesting, each case is different. One can never really know the expectations of the other until they ask.

And I remember going down the street to use the public phone, just so my siblings couldn't overhear what I was saying or who I was talking to.

I think I'll call her later in the week.

Thanks
SB

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Doolhof — Fri, 04 Nov 2016 10:41:16 GMT

Hi SB,

I've just returned from a short break. It is amazing, four days with out using my mobile phone! I didn't take the lap top as I was no where close to internet connections.

So, have you managed to phone this girl? If so how did it all go? If not, do you think you will call her soon?

I like your analogy about the string! Very clever.

I have another answer regarding the length of a piece of string...it is 2 metres 20 centimetres! I will explain. I volunteer in an Op Shop. A lady came in with a piece of string she had used to measure her window and wanted to know how long it was. When I helped her measure it, the piece of string was that length! I then helped her find curtains that would fit her window.

Back to you, have you been out and about to meet other people as well?

If you still intend to make the phone call, I wish you well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Sat, 05 Nov 2016 06:14:34 GMT

Well I telephoned her, and it seems as though she is more interested in a physical FWB than any form of a relationship.

Being a country-boy and raised on old family values, I am not sure how I feel about that. Also there is an age variance between us. Where many people may say that age shouldn't matter, I always thought that applied to people who are in a committed loving relationship. And this, well, it's something altogether different.

Turns out that she is a lot younger than I am, and maybe she has a thing for older men, but I don't know, if in good conscience, I should even consider her offer. This FWB concept is just too foreign to me.

Feeling lost and confused

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Doolhof — Mon, 07 Nov 2016 09:52:02 GMT

Hi SB,

You are going to have to explain to me what FWB means as I have no idea. I have been trying to think of word combinations, but nothing is really coming to me that would fit.

Whatever FWB stands for, it does sound like it doesn't fit well with your way of looking at relationships, and good on you for considering your values and beliefs.

It does sound like this female is rather up front with what she wants. If you were in a relationship then I guess her forwardness would not be such a bother.

Once you or someone else explains FWB to me, I will better understand your situation.

Cheers for now from an ancient Mrs. Dools who has not dated in about 30 years!

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 10:58:04 GMT

FWB is a modern acronym for Friends With Benefits; which is intended to mean that your friendship includes the physical activities associated with BF/GF, but none of the emotional connections.

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Apollo_Black — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 03:48:44 GMT

Well you've still got it haven't you? Well done old bean. So where did you leave the conversation?

I can appreciate your values but I'd be thinking "did I have fun?" If the answer is "yes" then I'd be saying, "well why not".

PROS: - it's fun, it's good exercise, it's good for your brain, keeps you in practice, boosts your testosterone and might make you live longer (I can't back this up)

CONS: - can play with your mind if you're worried about other men & STI's

I dunno, maybe it's good to just let yourself go every once in a while. Maybe it's her standard line and you're the guy for her. Maybe it's a stepping stone for you getting ready for the relationship you want with somone else that's waiting just around the corner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you like her, you getting along and it's fun (and you take precautions) then there's no real harm. She's told you at least what she's after....

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Doolhof — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 21:16:45 GMT

Oh! Okay. Thanks for the explanation of what FWB means. I had no idea.

The thing is how does that work? For some people it obviously does. For me, I would have to unplug my mind and heart first!

Sounds a bit like the old one night stand but with the idea that you continue on if you both desire to.

Guess it all depends on what kind of a relationship you are looking for. Certainly is a bit more personal and cheaper than purchasing professional services.

I'm sure some lasting relationships have happen despite people's well intentioned plans!

All the best with this.

From Mrs. Dools

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues — Fri, 11 Nov 2016 11:09:07 GMT

Unplugging the mind and heart, I can relate to that. I guess that was my biggest concern. I guess I don't know what time of relationship I should be looking for. It's not the same now that I am on the better side of 50. It's not about raising a family; it's about companionship and having that someone you can spend meaningful time with.

Since my previous post, we've been SMS'ing. I get the feeling she's in that try-before-you-buy frame of mind.
It's not that she's looking for other men, rather it's what if she meets another someone and is in a committed relationship... she might miss out. Doesn't want to be a cheater like her father. And allegedly she's plays both sides, but I don't know if that was a serious comment, or just a throw-away line to provide support for the FWB argument.

Next time I see her, I'll be leaving the emotive stuff at home. If something happens, big if, at least then I might be able to determine if I even want to be there.

Mrs D. Insofar as the professional services, I have no idea what that even costs; thus I am unable to take that aspect into consideration. I suspect you are right about the personal level, as I doubt that hookers get personally involved with their clients.

Apollo, I always play safe as I definitely don't want any VD (venereal disease)

My advice to me: One step at a time, but tread very cautiously.
SB

When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

Apollo_Black — Fri, 11 Nov 2016 11:43:48 GMT

Most importantly, have fun and let her enjoy you being you