topic I think my relationship is nearly over in Relationship and family issues

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 02:57:39 GMT

Hi everyone, I'm having a nightmare of a time.

My girlfriend and I have been together 5 1/2 years.

We've had good times and also many really awful times.
My aim in life was to make her happy. I did everything I could.

We both live in separate houses; we only really see eachother on weekends. She doesn't want to come to my house (it's a nice new home, I think it's a pleasant calm space to be in). Rather I have to go to her house. To progress the relationship (she wants to be engaged) I want us to spend much more time together. Having one house isn't possible right now, but we can make the best of our current situation by staying with eachother during the week. She doesn't seem to want to do that.

Having constructive conversations about important topics is hard. She is very defensive and responds with a lot of aggression if something I say is perceived as a criticism. Early in the relationship she has been verbally abusive on more than one occasion. I have spent a lot of time going to counselling to try and understand why I feel so confused, and also to figure out what is going on with my girlfriend. My counsellor believes she has traits of covert narcissism.

What has brought the things to this point is that she wants to get engaged and is frustrated this hasn't happened yet. What is holding me back is that I know she wants to move interstate at some point. I don't. I have a home here, family , work ,friends. This is where I belong. I feel like moving interstate will be very isolating and disastrous for my mental health.

Yesterday she was giving me silent treatment. I then realised every photo of me in the house was gone.

She wasn't happy at all. She doesn't believe I love her. Isn't happy that she isn't engaged. I explained my preference to not move interstate. One thing we agreed on in the last 5 1/2 years is neither of us wanted children. Suddenly this has changed. I find it very hard to believe because her main response to seeing babies etc. is one of disgust.

I don't want to think the worst of her, as I love her dearly, but I am suspicious this may be some kind of bluff. It just doesn't add up to me. I have learned to understand that I've been gaslighted a lot over the years, and wonder if this could be some kind of desperate attempt to make me feel even worse.

We are going to talk again tomorrow and hopefully after that I'll have some closure either way things end up going.

Thanks for listening

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

jtjt_4862 — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 04:28:14 GMT

Hi batticus,

Thank you for sharing your story. It's sad and heart breaking to hear what you've been through over the 5 1/2 years of your relationship. I feel you're a kind hearted and gentle person, and that you really deserve better.

One thing from your story that resonated with me a lot was when you mentioned "My aim in life was to make her happy. I did everything I could". I once had that mentality, but I learned that it would just lead to sadness and misery as our own needs from the relationship aren't met. It's great to hear that you've identified one of your solid boundaries (moving interstate), and I hope you'll be able to identify more to know you're worth more than what you think. If a partner is not willing to discuss important topics, that makes it very hard for both people to learn and grow together.

Stay strong my friend, and hopefully all goes well with your talk tomorrow. Happy to chat with you more as well if you need someone to talk to, or vent out your frustrations.

I think my relationship is nearly over

Sophie_M — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 05:05:41 GMT

Hi Batticus,

Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you are going through quite a bit right now dealing with relationship uncertainty. We know that can be really stressful and so we are really glad that you've been able to reach out for support. It is great that you are also talking about this with your counsellor, we hope that is proving helpful.

If you ever want to talk to someone else, you can always call us on 1300 22 4636 or Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk it out so we thought we'd suggest it as an option.

We can see that you are trying to work it out and we hope that you can get some good advice from this community. Thanks you again for posting and for sharing your story.

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 05:31:08 GMT

Hi JT

thank you for your kind reply.
I try to be kind hearted and gentle as I can. I'm far from perfect, I don't mean to speak ill of my girlfriend. That's not my intention.

She is a good person, but she unfortunately has some very destructive behaviours. By going to counselling and doing my own research to understand those behaviours, the relationship has benefited. It was very distressing at first to realise that at times the relationship was actually abusive, how much I had been manipulated, and how I was actually not helping that situation, rather I was enabling it.

This last week was a hard one. I've been working in the orchestra for a stage production (I'm a professional musician), not once would she attend. There was always an excuse. She almost never comes to see me perform. I think she just has very little interest in what I do. On the other hand, I take interest in what she is doing and offer support wherever I can.

I'm not a very assertive person. To make things worse I really hate confrontation. I think that is partially why the relationship may have lasted this long. A more assertive or confrontational person would have lost patience a long time ago. I persevered and hoped with time we could resolve the issues we had. The progress was slow but things were improving.

I am very nervous and anxious about the talk tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I have to assert my boundaries for once. Moving interstate is something I can't do. I wish I was a more resilient person who could do things like that, but I'm not.

If she is serious about kids, that's a whole other issue. In my view if we can't agree on more fundamental things like where we intend to live in the future, I just can't see that happening. I've never contemplated children, I'm 28 (she's 36) - I realise the 'clock' is ticking for her, however I'm not ready. It's completely out of the blue.

I can't help but feel like I am failing her in a profound way. I realise that isn't the case - but my measure of happiness always around how happy she is - and I always would try and do nice things for her to make her happy.

Seeing her so sad/angry yesterday was gut wrenching.

I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused but have to try and remember that she probably wouldn't be as concerned about the pain she causes me sadly.

I'll keep posting, just have to see what happens. I hope we can work it out but I don't see how we can come back from yesterday to be honest.

Thanks again

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

jtjt_4862 — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 06:32:47 GMT

Hi Batticus,

My sincerest apologies if my previous reply have made it sound judgmental against your partner. Rest assure that was not my intention.

As you described your story more, I resonated more with your situation as well. I wasn't a very assertive person myself, I hardly communicate my boundaries even though I kept telling my ex to be her true self in front of me. I'm always siding with her, agreeing to avoid conflict. I'm always trying to go out of my way to do things to please her as well, hoping that'd she'd reciprocate in the same way. In the end, she called off our relationship, and I'm left devastated. I figured that I was being too "nice" to her to the point, I'm just hiding my true self, and not bringing the best version of myself to the relationship. But I'm doing better now, learning how to fix the "nice guy" syndrome, and live the life that I want.

When you mention "more assertive or confrontational" person would've ended the relationship sooner. I see it not because they lost patience, but rather they know that their needs aren't met, and things aren't going to work out in the end. So it's better to call it off sooner than to drag on the relationship and further hurting each other. If we're staying on and hoping that the person will change, the relationship will become unhealthy and one sided, especially when they're avoiding serious discussion topics, or have a deal-breaker boundary that will never change. But I can understand why the decision is very hard to make. It's hard to discard the good feelings that came from the relationship; all the happy times spent with them, the times where our partner smiles and brings butterflies to our stomach. It's hard to detach those emotions from the memories.

Relationships are messy, and things don't last forever (life isn't like a fairy tail, where the prince and princess gets to live happily ever after). You've done the best you can for your relationship, and you've given it all you've got and you've held on for so long. Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out as the both of you had expected. It's sad and makes us feel terrible when we have to hurt someone in order to protect ourselves. But if we see it from another perspective, it may be better this way for the two of you.

Hope you're able to love yourself more, and trust yourself that no matter the decision you make, you'll be able to cope with whatever happens.

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 00:38:31 GMT

Hi JT

I didn't get that impression at all. It was actually me reading my own post that made me realise I sounded more critical or harsh than I intended.

We spoke on the phone a few times yesterday. It was as if I was speaking to a totally different person to the other day. She was very angry before - yesterday she was the opposite. She was telling me how she misses me, looks forward to seeing me.

I'm sad that it's only when we have a terrible argument like this that I finally hear such nice things like that. I'm not after constant adoration or anything, but it's hard when you rarely get positive feedback from your girlfriend.

I told her again that I love her, and I also said I miss her. We will talk tonight and see how that goes.

I am also aware that there's the chance I could be being manipulated. My father was a chronic manipulator, he put my mum (and us kids) through hell with this kind of thing. He'd be all explosive and angry, and then so apologetic and kind after.

I'm having a hard time knowing whats real and what isn't. Is the angry version of my girlfriend real or is it the sweet, kind voice I heard on the phone?

My current approach is to stick with my boundaries. At this stage I know they are that I can't move interstate, and I'm not ready for children. They are the things that I can't bend backwards on. They're things I know that are true.

I love her so much and have invested so much into this relationship. All I want to do is make her happy but knowing that I may not be able to give her what she wants makes me feel like I'm a failure.

Hoping tonight goes okay and thank you again for your kind responses

I can understand why some people choose to stay single... this is so hard.

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

Sophie_M — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 05:17:30 GMT

Hi Batticus,

Thank you for your openness in sharing here. It can be a really helpful way to understand and work through your feelings. We think it's good that you've been able to identify your boundaries, and we hope this helps you in working through this, whatever you decide.

We hope your planned talk this evening goes well. This community will be here for you, so do keep updating us when and if you feel comfortable. Remember we are here for any moment you feel distressed or overwhelmed, call us on 1300 22 4636, or use our webchat or email.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

I think my relationship is nearly over

jtjt_4862 — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 06:04:54 GMT

Hi Batticus,

Hoping your talk with her goes well too. I feel it's common for couples to have an argument over something, and then make up with each other to come to a mutual agreement. That is what I feel growth is like. We learn to appreciate each other's differences, and work together to come to mutual terms.

In regards to not being able to give her what she wants, I feel this is a difference in core-values that, unfortunately, cannot be compromised by either party. Core Values is important when it comes to establishing a healthy relationship, but core-values are not aligned, then perhaps it's best to let them go for the best of them to look for someone else who has core values that are more aligned for them, and likewise to yourself as well. You've done your best for this relationship, and you've put in a lot of effort and sacrifices to make it work. Not having any sort of reciprocation would only lead to resentment later on... Hope you can learn to be more kind to yourself about it, and recognize the wonderful, kind and unique person that you are. This relationship may have been a failure, but you'll be able to do better on your next one 🙂 .

Relationships certainly are hard and messy, and I too feel it's one of the reasons why people choose to stay single. They've experienced it once, learn how terribly hard it is, and just give up and stay single forever. There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to being single and being in a relationship. Think it really depends on what a person wants in their life. To those who strive for a suitable companionship, they will keep trying until they find the person that was meant for them. Through each experience, they will learn to understand more about themselves, and what they look for in a potential partner.

Will be rooting for ya my friend, keep us posted on how things goes. We're here for you if you ever feel like chatting, or needing an ear to listen (or rather, eyes to read).

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Wed, 04 Aug 2021 00:23:33 GMT

Hi Jt

Thanks for your kind reply.

We spoke last night. Throughout yesterday I tried to plan the way I'd go about it. I didn't want to get too emotional or wound-up on small trivial details . I wanted to try and unpack some of what's been holding us back; the reasons for my partner wanting to move, some more background about where the surprise about kids came from too.

We made dinner and had a chat. Essentially she hates living here in Tasmania. She doesn't like the climate, the fact it's such a small place (not as a many amenities). She finds it very depressing and oppressive living here. Where she wants to move to is likely Adelaide; that's where her Mum lives (Dad is here in Tas). How long she wants to move there is an unknown. She was quizzing me with hypotheticals, i.e. can we just move for one year to try it out for example.

I tried to explain my reasons for not wanting to move. Firstly my mental health issues make it hard. They are well managed here and I am doing ok all things considered. I also have a secure job, and lots of after hours work as a semi-professional musician. I'd lose all of that going interstate. I have a home here, Mum and Dad are here, my friends are here.

I also described the life we could have here in Tas - what I was hoping for. It sadly doesn't sound like something she is wanting.

I ended up falling into a million pieces, instead of being calm and firm like I hoped to be. For the first time in ages, she was quite unguarded and I felt like I was actually getting honest answers. She is usually very cagey and resistant to vulnerability of any sort.

It was late by the time we finished talking. We hadn't really resolved anything but I realise that I'm actually holding her back from doing the things she wants. Likewise she's holding me back from being truly happy too. It's such a horrible thing to come to terms with. I stayed with her last night and was holding onto her for dear life. So much for not letting emotions take charge.

I'm embarrased that I crumbled the way I did and so guilty feeling that I have held her back like this. Everything I've done has been to make her life better; I am so full of regret and guilt. We will need to talk again, I'm thinking maybe Saturday will be a good time for that.

In a perfect world I'd hope she would be agreeable to a life here with me. Kids could even be part of that with a little bit of time. I realise that might not be enough.

Thanks for listening again

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

Croix — Wed, 04 Aug 2021 12:43:15 GMT

Dear Batticus~

Pardon me for butting in after all the spot-on advice Jt has been giving you. I think Jt has the right of it and you have absolutely nothing to reproach your self about -and falling to pieces or getting upset is simply a human measure of your distress.

For any relationship to work for the long term there has to be a balance. I'm fortunate having found it twice. Each person has to want to make life as easy and enjoyable as possible for the other, even putting themselves second when needs be.

Your partnership has been most unbalanced, and sadly during all that 5 1/2 years you have not really been together, only going to her house on weekends. Not a good way to get to know somebody as you would living together every day.

For any person that truly loves another ensuring their health -mental and physical, their family relationships, friends, secure employment and more is a no-brainer, it comes naturally.

I'm afraid this cannot be said of your GF despite all you have tried to do. I also get the feeling that you are coming to see this imbalance and that it cannot change despite occasional bursts of being nice. Would you want to spend the rest of you life in this way? Do you really think a desperate venture, moving interstate would improve things for either of you? It would certainly destroy the life you have now.

Guilt is natural, but misplaced, you have tied so hard and things have not worked out, unfortunately it is some sort of instinct to feel bad when this happens.

I hope you can step back and gain perspective.

Apart from the counselor, is there anyone in your family or a friend you can lean on, talk honestly with and just be listened to with love and care - and not too much advice?

You are welcome here anytime.

Croix

I think my relationship is nearly over

geoff — Wed, 04 Aug 2021 15:11:55 GMT

Hello Batticus, I've been following your thread but don't have much to say as most has been said.

The only concern I have is that she doesn't want to see you when playing in concert, as well as not going to your house, wants to move, leaving you to find another job, but is still unsure whether or not this move is going to be successful, giving you the 'silent treatment' even beforehand, changed her mind about having children, but this requires a 24/7 attention by her, so I wonder if you do move or if you don't, who is going to make the rules or whether this will be joint.

Love can be stretched but only for so much.

Geoff.

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 01:17:40 GMT

Thank you @Croix for your reply

Having that talk was so incredibly painful. Now that the dust has settled a little I feel a bit better (still horrible) but I think I understand a little more about what went on. My big problem is guilt. I need to somehow accept that I don't have anything to be guilty for.

She's probably not doing it on purpose; but I think she is using that guilt to try and get me to give her what she wants. There are many things she has done to me over the years that she could feel very guilty for but I know she doesn't experience it on that level.

Your point about my health, family, friends etc. being a natural concern to someone who loves me hits home big time. I am torturing myself thinking about how I'm not fulfilling her needs but at the same time I don't think she has ever really had any real issues with not meeting mine.

It's hard seeing my friends who are in relationships; they eventually move in together, or even if they don't they clearly have a shared life. I've tried hard to encourage her to stay at my house sometimes, despite trying so hard with that it never happened. She stayed over a couple times (again, only weekends) but I can't help but feel she didn't want to be there.

I was out gigging last night after work, after I received a call saying she has made dinner and there are leftovers if I'd like to stop by on my way back. It was such a nice gesture. She also made me lunch for today. Again, so nice but at the same time before this huge problem came up, those things rarely happened. It makes me feel guilty again.

My Mum has been very helpful to me. She has been there for me the whole time. She texted me today saying "Good morning, whatever happens, just remember you will be okay". I love my Mum more than I can say. I'm so grateful to her. She managed to leave an abusive alcoholic husband, she is so strong and kind.

I'm trying to remind myself of the bad things in the relationship and try and look at things from an ousiders perspective. It's hard. I'm a chronic people-pleaser so knowing I can't please her in this instance has thrown me.

The hard part is knowing that my GF loves me, I don't doubt that, and I love her. But sometimes that isn't enough. I think that's really where we are at.

Soldiering on

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 01:24:28 GMT

Dear @Geoff

I agree , the whole thing is very erratic and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The sudden change from being disgusted by children to wanting them is hard to get my head around. She said she doesn't want to be alone when she gets old. I don't know if that is a good reason for having kids... as a contingency plan for care etc. for getting old? Maybe I am reading into that wrong. I'm not sure she has thought this through at all.

It's hard not having her come to my gigs often. It's very rare that she comes. Ever since I was 13 I've been working as a guitar player so it's a big part of my life. Knowing she has little interest in it is hard; not a deal-breaker necessarily but still challenging.

The silent treatment is horrible. My dad used it on me as a kid. Her using it on me really upsets me.

I'm a bit angry all these issues has spilled out in one big mess. We could have spoken about these things in such a more constructive way if they were brought up earlier.

I felt like a zombie yesterday but feel a little better today. Trying to get some perspeptive is helping.

Thank you so much
Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

jtjt_4862 — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 03:46:13 GMT

Hi batticus,

What you've described about her sudden change in showing sweet gestures and stuffs, as well as the silent treatment, does sound a little strange. I still feel, you've done the best you could for your relationship so far.

For example, you've made a lot of effort to go over to her place to stay, and that would've costed you to sacrifice your own time and enjoyment (even though you feel, it's a good trade because you're investing your time to build your relationship and give her the love she wants). But her lack of reciprocation, whether it's to come over and stay with you (even though you've already voiced out your needs for that, but she showed little to no action on her end about it), or a couple of hours of her time to appreciate your gig, just causes resentment on your end. You don't feel appreciated, but you want to believe that it is okay for you because, that's what love does to people-pleasers, we feel like we deserve the scraps from others, and that we don't deserve what we truly want.

It's okay to be feeling guilty about not being able to meet her needs. Some relationships just doesn't work out in the end, no matter how hard you both tried. It takes a balance of give and take for a relationship to be healthy, and too much of giving or taking would just make the relationship an unhealthy one. Each person has their own level of giving and taking, and the mess that comes with a relationship allows couples to work together to understand what each other's give/take levels are and to act on it to the best of their abilities.

But if I could change your perspective a little, rather than feeling guilty about not being able to meet her needs. You should also consider the guilt of not being able to meet your own needs. What do you want out of this relationship, and what do you deserve. It sounds selfish, but it's actually an act of self-love, something that is required for a healthy relationship. I feel a relationship isn't just about meeting other people's needs, but also meeting your own needs. Are you getting enough love and attention from your partner, and are you also giving enough that your partner have requested for? You are worth everything that you believe you deserve my friend.

All the best yo

I think my relationship is nearly over

Croix — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 11:05:13 GMT

Dear Batticus~

I find I'm becoming a sort of echo for Jt who again is spot on. When in love perspective does fly out the window, however it should return and is needed, to judge one's own actions, as well as one's partner's.

Partnership means equality, not necessarily doing all the same things but a balance, and wanting the best for the other. If one person tries over a long period to please, and there is no equal response then that person may well come to feel they are unworthy and deserve just to give, and not receive in equal measure, or else they may start to feel put-upon and become resentful

Either is bad.

I'd not hold my relationships as anything particular. However as a tiny example of both people giving :

Mrs C (who does NOT like being called Mrs Walrus) and I regularly go to the movies. It's a time when we enjoy each other's presence, even when the choice of movies is limited. Sometimes there is a run of SF, which I enjoy and bores Mrs C to tears, then there might be a few Human Interest woks, which present me with problems of keeping awake.

We sit though the ones we do not like precisely to allow the other enjoyment.

So can I suggest you look at your music, where you live and all the rest bearing that example in mind?

Croix

I think my relationship is nearly over

geoff — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 15:23:07 GMT

Hello Batticus, her decision not to want to have children and then changing her mind is not like flipping a coin nor is it like deciding whether or not you go out to watch a movie, having children is a huge responsibility and one that doesn't last just 10 minutes, it's a lifetime of support, give them advice and when the child is young means you have to be there when the child needs to be fed, nappy changed and another person that grows up, mirrored on your personality, you can't say one day 'no I don't want them' then the next day say 'yes I want them'.

There is a lifetime of planning, organising, schools, sports and as the child develops supporting their every decision as well as talking through every situation that could prove to be a problem.

Geoff.

I think my relationship is nearly over

batticus — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 01:47:26 GMT

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Today has been the hardest day yet. I think I've finally accepted this relationship has to end. And soon.

It's become obvious to my co-workers and my boss that I'm clearly not well. The weight of this is simply too much. Even my Mum has said that the last week or so she's seen me become a very sick, unwell person. I can't do this for another week for example, I'm honestly going to end up in hospital.

Even aside from the issues we are facing right now, the way they are being dealt with is so incredibly destructive and painful.

I'm having an emergency call with a telephone counsellor today to try and get some advice and tips.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm scared she will trigger my guilt and I'll buckle over again. I don't now how I'm going to do it.

Thank you all for your kind words and support

Batticus

I think my relationship is nearly over

Sophie_M — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 03:07:19 GMT

Hi Batticus,

We can hear how uncertain you're feeling at the moment, and we really hope you can find some comfort in the words of this supportive community. It sounds like you've been really proactive and open with the people around you, and it's really good that you're speaking with a counsellor today. What you're going through is incredibly difficult, and it's really important to have that support around you at a time like this.

We're sorry to hear that you're worried for the next week, and how it will affect you. Please remember to call Beyond Blue at any moment you need help, on 1300 22 4636. We're also available on webchat, for those moments when it's hard to pick up the phone, and you'd rather speak to someone online.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

I think my relationship is nearly over

geoff — Fri, 06 Aug 2021 15:19:14 GMT

Hello Batticus, I am really sorry for what's happened, but all of these indecisive reactions by your girlfriend will make you a stronger person and more aware in future times, hard to believe at the moment, but there's a saying 'once bitten twice' will give you the opportunity to establish yourself.

Geoff.

I think my relationship is nearly over

KathieF — Mon, 09 Aug 2021 06:58:09 GMT

Hi.

It was a smart decision to find a counselor. Also, it’s so valuable that your mom can give you support in such emotionally overwhelmed moments.

I don’t judge and don’t want to offend anyone. This is your relationship and only you can decide whether to let someone into it and accept advice or no. Even if it's a professional who gives you this advice. The fact that you talk, and not just silently continue to pretend that everything is fine in your relationship, deserves respect. With everything you describe it’s hard to believe that she loves you. If I were you, I would start wondering how to tell if your girlfriend hates you. Okay, maybe hate isn’t necessarily present in your case. But I don’t see any support or desire to understand here. Make you feel guilty. Realy?

If you've made the decision to end this relationship, don't give up and don't let her trigger your guilt. It will not be easy, but in some life situations, you need to be selfish.