topic Not ready to speak about issues but being forced. in Relationship and family issues

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 15:04:41 GMT

Hi, I'm new to this so this might be a bit long but here is my situation.

I am 23, almost 24 years old. I had been, until recently, living in the UK for the past 2 years. My visa expired and I was forced to return to Australia.

After this I started feeling depressed and my anxiety worsened. I put this down to having to leave a place I loved to move back in with my parents. I started seeing a psychologist about this and it has been really helpful. However, I am struggling to maintain any relationship with my mother. I didn't feel comfortable speaking to her about my anxiety and depression and was content working through things on my own until I did feel ready to speak to her about it (I said this to her a number of times). However she would trap me in situations and try to force me to speak about it. Resulting in her getting extremely upset and angry with me and making me feel terrible. She then called my psychologist without my knowing to ask her what was going on with me. Obviously, this information wasn't given to her and I was told by my psychologist that she had called.

Things went downhill from there.
I confronted my mother about her calling my psychologist and said I was annoyed but that she could speak to her now that I'd given permission. She became very defensive and now blames my psychologist for telling me she had called and won't agree to speak to her anymore.

I feel I cannot be myself around her and so mostly keep to myself (resulting in her getting angry at me for not talking). I was speaking to dad occasionally about the issues with my mum but he seems to have grown tired of hearing it and seems annoyed at me for having these feelings towards her. So I now don't have him to speak to.

I don't have many friends here and none which I feel comfortable talking to about these issues. My best friend lives overseas and although we talk regularly, I'm extremely lonely. I go days sometimes without speaking to anyone and I feel I'm at breaking point. I'm almost 24 yet feel my mother is treating me like a child and constantly making me feel bad for not being ready to speak about a personal issue. I have no idea what to do anymore?

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

pipsy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 22:10:33 GMT

Hi -e. It would've been difficult returning to 'the nest' after 2 years of independent lifestyle. Moving into parents home, to them, mean they now believe they can take control again. It's a catch 22 situation going on. You want your independence, they want to resume control. Dad is 'pig in the middle'. Are you in a position to 're-leave the nest'? Could you find a way of doing this? Perhaps if you visit C'link and ask to see a financial advisor (it's a free service), they may be able to point you in the right direction. Your mum obviously was concerned by you needing to see a psych. But phoning her to discuss her concerns with her, instead of respecting your right to privacy is inappropriate, given your age and the confidentiality clause between you and the psych. If you are able to relocate, this would be beneficial in your recovery. Your parents won't be overjoyed, but you have the right to choose how and where you want to be.

Lynda

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 00:47:37 GMT

Hi Lynda.

Thanks for replying. All really good suggestions. Unfortunately, I've come back to no car and no job. My parents live in quite a small town and having no car, I'm limited to where I can work at the moment. I've looked into Centrelink but can't get any sort of benefit until I start back at university. (having no source of income means I'm not able to move into a place of my own). I'm going to try and move out when uni starts in March but feel like I'm at breaking point already and I'm not sure if i can keep living like this. I feel like I can't leave my bedroom without getting criticised by my mother about something. It's the only place in the house I can relax and be myself. I feel extremely alone.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

pipsy — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 09:23:56 GMT

Hi -e. May I ask what sort of work you had in the UK? Is there any possibility of obtaining some sort of casual employment? Casual could lead to permanent. You mention living is a small town, I presume this is an 'everybody knows everybody' type of town, which makes trying to keep yourself to yourself, difficult. Have you thought about doing some sort of volunteer work, I realize there's no monetary value, but the knowledge of freedom would be beneficial, plus meeting people could lead to other opportunities. I have a volunteer job which has opened me up to further work within the company I volunteer for. Also if there is an employment agency near you, perhaps you could inquire if there is some sort of casual/permanent employment you could obtain. If you have a C'link branch near you, maybe you could ask if they are affiliated with an employment agency that could help. I realize not having a car does present problems, but I think your first priority is obtaining employment to help you at least start re-building your life.

Lynda

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Fri, 05 May 2017 00:32:26 GMT

I've recently come into a situation where I am back living in my parents home. I'm 24 and before now I had lived out of home for 4 years, part of that time overseas. I am actively looking to move out but given I'm a full time student, money is an issue at the moment.

(update) I have always had issues with my mother and its gotten extremely bad since I've moved back in with her.

She is controlling and overly critical of everything I do. She makes constant comments about what I eat, where I eat, how lazy I am etc. I tried speaking to a therapist about this but haven't been back since my Mum started contacting my therapist looking for information that I wasn't willing to share with her. She has even ruined relationships by being extremely intrusive.

I'm trying everything to avoid these encounters and not give her a reason to be so critical and controlling but it doesn't seem to be working. I've tried limiting how much we speak to avoid any arguements or criticism but this seems to make things worse.

I feel so guilty for not getting on with her and for wanting to cut ties. But I feel I'm suffering by being around her and feel like bursting into tears after any sort of negative encounter.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

JessF — Fri, 05 May 2017 02:02:12 GMT

Hello e, welcome back. It sounds like things haven't really moved along any further since you last posted. The relationship with your mother is still difficult, and you are still living at home for financial reasons.

I'm wondering what you have tried since your last post in the way of trying to widen your circle of support, make new friends, building up your life outside of the home so you can be less tied to your mother.

It sounds like the issues with your mother are long-standing, and that a number of things may be holding you back from setting clear boundaries with her, your guilt for a start. Unfortunately, not all mother/child relationships are like the ones we see on Mother's Day chocolate box advertisements, and a good first step might be re assessing your relationship with Mum based on how things are, not how you wish they were.

Another thing to bear in mind: while your mother ringing your psycholgist behind your back to try and get information is crossing a line, it does perhaps show that she is concerning about you, and from what you say in your earlier post she was trying to find information that you wouldn't tell her. Now nothing obligates you to tell your mother anything, of course, but imagine for a moment the situation were reversed, you were worried about your daughter and she wouldn't tell you what was wrong, and you knew that she instead was paying to see someone else to talk about her problems? Might you feel that you had failed as a mother to provide the right support?

None of the above justifies her actions, but it sounds as if a lot of the issues in recent times result from a failure of communication. If you are unable to move out at this point, then what else do you think you could try to resolve things, given that the avoidance technique seems to be not working out for you?

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Fri, 05 May 2017 04:27:14 GMT

Hi Jess,

Thanks for your reply! Since November I've gone overseas for a month. Many of my best friends live in other countries so I was able to see them and also met some new friends. Since returning from overseas I have also started back at University. This has been really good to distract me from the family problems I've been having and has given me an opportunity to meet some new people.

Of course, I know that she was concerned about my wellbeing. However, given that I had spoken to her about having anxiety and depression and discussed with her that it was helping, my age, and that I had explicitly told her on numerous occasions that I wasn't ready to speak in more detail about my feelings, that by calling my therapist (whose details she did not get from me), without my knowing is controlling behaviour. I also felt emotionally manipulated at this stage and there was no respect for my privacy.

I could forgive her behaviour if she would acknowledge that she is perhaps part of the problem, however, blame for her feeling upset is placed almost entirely on me and blame that we don't have a good relationship is because I don't try hard enough. Which, of course, is not true. I have had problems with my mum since I was about 11 or 12 and since then have continuously tried to have a good relationship with her.

I'm not sure what else I can do. If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them? Her actions never change and she doesn't take responsibility for them. I do everything I possibly can to not argue or draw criticism and avoiding conversation is the only way that I can think that will fix this. The criticism hasn't stopped, but we don't argue if I don't respond to that criticism. This does bother me though because I want to be able to stand up for myself without being told off like a child.

It's hard to articulate all the details of the situation and explain someone's behaviour over such a long period of time but I hope what I've said can give some indication as to what I am dealing with.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Fri, 05 May 2017 04:37:07 GMT

I should add that I did let her go and speak to her psychologist about my anxiety and depression, as a way to potentially stop her emotional manipulation and express to her why I didn't like the way she was acting in the most respectful way possible. One of my psychologist's suggestions to my mum was that she needed to give me space and respect my boundaries. Nothing changed though as I think she still believes that she has done nothing wrong.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

JessF — Fri, 05 May 2017 04:48:20 GMT

Hi e, such a tricky situation. It's a common one, though, here on these forums, family members who are behaving in a way that hurts you, and seeming unwilling to change that behaviour. In these situations, I believe all you can do is retreat to the things you can control. You can't control your mother's behaviour, so all that leaves is your reaction to it.

It could well be that after so many years, your mother's entire communication with you is based on the criticism, which I suspect in her way she believes is helpful. If you don't respond to that criticism, the arguments are avoided. The more you engage with her on the problems in your relationship, the more you argue. I believe it's communication with you that she wants, and even if it's arguing, it's at least a connection with you.

I wonder if you're able to think of any times when you speak with your mother that don't involve critisism or arguments. Any at all? Perhaps by rewarding these conversations with openness, and cutting off when the criticism arises ("Thanks Mum, I'll take that on board, I'm just popping out for a while/going to visit friends") you might gradually re-train her to engage with you more respectfully.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Sat, 06 May 2017 02:18:18 GMT

It can be difficult to predict with Mum what is a safe topic to talk about or not. She just seems to react negatively to opinions I have or decisions I make, where family members are immune to this 'judgement'. I can't really remember a time when we had a conversation where we didn't argue or she wasn't frustrated at me for something. I don't ignore her at all. I'll always answer her if she asks me a question and will participate in a conversation if there are others also in the conversation, as she generally won't say anything negative to me if she isn't directly speaking to me. Her attitude towards me also changes dramatically if her friends are around to see her interactions.
Of course, I'll try the 're-training' suggestion and engage her if she seems in a particularly good mood or she wants to engage in positive conversation but remove myself if things become negative. Although, I have tried this in the past and had her follow me, or trap me in places where I cannot immediately remove myself. But I'll continue to try. At least until I can find a solution to my living situation I think that is my best option.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

JessF — Mon, 08 May 2017 08:02:11 GMT

Hello again e, I don't envy you at all, it sounds very stressful. Your willingness to keep trying says a lot about your character and its strength, so I hope that might give you some comfort the next time you are hearing criticisms from your mother. "Taking the high road" is difficult when you feel under siege. What is the difference between how she speaks with you one on one compared to when her friends are around?

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

Nervybella — Mon, 08 May 2017 21:40:55 GMT

Hi e

I posted in your other thread, but realised its been closed so thought I'd re post here...

Hi e,

Im sorry to hear that you're in a tough relationship. It must be hard. This may sound silly, but have you ever explicitly told your mum how her actions make you feel? Does she know she has impacted on other relationships and is making you unhappy in your own home?

Obviously it is easier said than done, but maybe even getting a mediator of some sort to sit down with both of you, to act as some sort of buffer? Is there anyone else living with you that would back you up if you spoke to your mum?

Best,Bella

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Tue, 09 May 2017 05:34:55 GMT

Hmm, it's hard to explain. I'll give an example of something that happened not long ago.

Normally, I like to eat dinner early, between 5:30 and 7. It's just a personal preference because I like to go to bed early. The rest of the family eat at around 8 or 9. I am constantly told by Mum that I'm rude because I don't eat with the family, or made fun of because she thinks eating at this time in ridiculous. I also feel berated for my choice of food. I'm not sure why exactly she takes issue with this. She just doesn't agree that what I'm eating is healthy for me. But that's her personal opinion and I actually try quite hard to eat reasonably well.

Two of her friends were around not long ago while I was cooking dinner. Where I would normally suffer criticism for what I was making, and the time I was eating, she actually complimented me on how good I was for cooking my own meals and made a comment about how good it smelled and looked. Her mood is significantly better when she is around friends so it's also much easier to converse. I also know that I won't be criticised around her friends so I feel a lot more comfortable talking.

This is just one example. In my opinion, she puts on an act in front of her friends. I also think it's relevant to mention that she also compares me a lot to her friend's children. I believe she wants her life to be more like other peoples and potentially takes this frustration out on me because I don't live up to her expectations of how she believes I should be living my life.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

-e — Tue, 09 May 2017 05:46:25 GMT

Hi Bella,

Thanks for your comment. To answer you question, I have told her in the past how what she says and does is impacting me. She didn't take this well though and because of her reaction to my telling her this I've stopped trying to tell her. I did let my psychologist speak to her (I thought she would understand more if it came from a professional). My psychologist expressed many of my concerns to my Mum about how she made me feel and gave her advice on how to help me stop feeling this way. However, she took none of that advice on board and I'm back to square one.

She also didn't seem to create a very trustworthy relationship for me growing up and many things I tried to speak to her about I was criticised for. This obviously impacts how comfortable I feel talking to her now. For instance, I don't trust her with personal information to do with relationships or illnesses etc because her past behaviour has shown me that she doesn't understand how to respond appropriately and respect boundaries in relation to these things. I was never trusted growing up, and consequently, I no long trust her.

It sounds so harsh and I feel terrible for saying these things. I'm just trying to make sense of why she acts this way and what I can do in response.

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

Nervybella — Tue, 09 May 2017 21:32:43 GMT

Hi -e

It must be so hard for you.

Is there another family member, or even one of your mums friends that you could confide in? Maybe if someone she holds in high esteem says something it might get through to her?

I don't think you should worry that it sounds harsh, your mum has clearly had a huge impact on your mental health so I believe what you are saying is justified.

I saw that you said you didn't have enough money to move out...is there someone you could stay with, that understands your situation? Just to give you a break for a while.

I wish we could all be of more help, you find yourself in quite a difficult situation.

Best, Bella

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

JessF — Thu, 11 May 2017 06:33:44 GMT

Hello e, so it sounds like making a good impression and being thought of well by others is incredibly improtant to your mother. That she treats you so nicely in front of her friends seems to be an indication that she wants everyone to think that she has a model family, and a daughter that she is proud of. The funny thing is, her words are not untrue when she says those things in front of others, are they?

Of course we cannot change the way others think of us, and unfortunately we have no control over their behaviour either. We only can control how we react to them. So I wonder if changing your perspective on your mother's words might help a little. For example, why is it an "act" when she is nice to you? Why not consider it an "act" when she is being critical?

Try taking the compliments and the nice behaviour at face value, and the criticisms with a grain of salt. As hurtful and irritating as they are, try to accept them as your mother's (misguided) way of worrying about you. If she were trying to humiliate and belittle you, then she would be equally as critical in front of others.

What do you think of that?

Not ready to speak about issues but being forced.

Nervybella — Wed, 17 May 2017 23:17:37 GMT

Hi e

How are you going?

Your story really stuck with me, so I really hope you're doing ok.

Please feel free to come back to the forums, if you feel comfortable, I'm sure everyone here is interested/care how you are travelling

Bella