topic Struggling to deal with the loneliness in Relationship and family issues

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

lonelyheart101 — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 08:23:04 GMT

I'm very new to this, so here's some background. I'm in my mid-30s, smart, career-driven/successful, fit/active, likable and down-to-earth. I recently moved interstate for work so it’s just me here with no friends or family. I am experiencing a crushing loneliness from not being able to find a relationship.

I have been on countless dates over the past few years and have failed on every occasion in getting the girl to agree to a second encounter. I don't know what is wrong with me. Our evenings are always good (no issues with confidence). We share laughs, engage in two-way conversations, and even flirt a little. In fact we often end up agreeing to a second date. However the next day is when I receive the rejection msg/call (I had a great time, but I don't think this will work out...etc). I have read countless tutorials on dating and followed the usual advice. But after the latest failure I am really struggling to deal with the rejection.

While I'm not an adonis, I like to think I'm good looking. I would even settle for a friend, just someone I could do simple things with. I feel like the world is passing me by and losing hope of ever finding happiness. I can barely look up anymore when I walk, seeing a couple walk by is a constant reminder of my loneliness.

People often complain about the devastation of relationship heartbreaks. But I believe never being in a relationship is a more painful feeling of death by a 1000 cuts. I am not a big believer in fate though I do believe love finds people, not the other way around. Maybe god never intended for me to be with someone. If that is the case, how can I make the hurt go away and accept my fate? I guess wanted to believe that it is possible for someone out there to love me, and that I wasn’t meant to live a life in isolation.

Thanks for hearing my rant. I have no one else to talk to.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Nikkir — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 08:51:30 GMT

Hi lonelyheart101,

Thank you for your post and for your honesty, your words really touched my heart and I am sure that what you have said and feel will resonate with alot of people including me. Well for one thing it does sound like you have alot going for you and have alot to offer. I do totally understand what you said about it being devastating being alone and lonely, at least a break up you actually did have some one. I loved how you talked about God and said is this his plan and if so why the loneliness and the pain, great questions, please let me know if you get an answer to that because I would love to know also. Now the bit that I can't quite work out is where you said you have been on alot of dates and they never lead anywhere. Do you have any idea why? Were there people that you actually didn't want to see again either? It must be hard being alone in a new town, I know that feeling in a way I am experiencing it myself and it has been very confronting and I am older than you. Well my suggestion is this, focus on the positives what you do have. Obviously a good job, hopefully you will meet people through work and work functions. Join somethings that you like to do, just for yourself not really to meet anyone like you said you like fitness. You could do the gym thing or whatever you like. I honestly feel when you are more relaxed and accepting in who you are then someone will show up. Your right about love finding the people, that is an awesome way to say it 🙂 So I wish you all the best and we would love to know how you go, you can call us as well on 1300 22 4636 and even though it feels like it you are definately not alone I can assure you . Good luck and best wishes Nikkir x

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

lonelyheart101 — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 22:41:16 GMT

I'm not sure why they don't lead anywhere. I'm normally very perceptive and can pick up the positive and negative vibes on dates. A number of them have been positive where I've wanted to see them again. After all these failures I can only conclude that the problem is with me, and if I don't know what the problem is then I can't fix it.

I realise my career and other attributes are a positive, but they cannot fill what is still a big hole in my life. The nature of my work and lack of social network makes meeting new people are rare and online dating hasn't worked out for me. So the probability of even meeting anyone is low to begin with. The irony is that I'm normally my most relaxed and happy when I'm about to meet with someone I'm really interested in. You can only imagine the lows I sink to when I get the eventual rejection. Not having any friends here to lean on just adds to the difficulty of the experience.

In terms of activities I already spend a large part of my week at the gym. Perhaps I should take up another course or activity to occupy more of my spare time. I'm happy my words touched you, they came from the heart and truly represent how I feel. Maybe I might give that number a call. Thanks for your reply.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

BballJ — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 00:11:39 GMT

Hi Lonelyheart101,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and well done for posting and getting your story out there.

It is so tough trying to find someone especially when you have up and moved to whole new place by yourself, so many people are set in their ways at your age group that it can be difficult to make new friends however that shouldn't discourage you. I like you idea about joining a different activity group or something... meeting people is a hell of a lot easier when there is a common interest for a relationship/friendship to be formed. Have you tried chatting to anyone at the gym? I know it is awkward but sometimes asking for a simple spot can spark a conversation, is there any other activities you are interested?

Dating is hard work, I understand that, I have a friend i am supporting going through the same thing so I can see the frustration is causes. I also understand your point about god maybe not having someone in his plans for you but I like to believe there is someone for everybody, you simply just haven't met them yet. You sound like you have a lot to offer someone and in reality you want that person to also, somewhat be worthy of what you have to offer. Hopefully you don't give up on trying to date etc because you just need to keep looking as well.

Feel free to post back here, as much as you like, even just to chat, everyone is generally always up for a chat especially in the BB social section.

We're here for you.

My best for you.

Jay

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

lonelyheart101 — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:13:43 GMT

Hi Jay

Agree dating is hard work. Yet it is a cruel irony for me that I've worked and studied so hard to be where I'm at in my career. I've gained a deep understanding of my professional capability and industry knowledge, which has given me the opportunity to succeed in my job. Yet I am so ashamed for being out of my depth at something like dating. When I'm out with girls, I often feel like I have to be at 100%, and in my mind the smallest slip up will doom me (and it often does). Yet it makes me so angry to read about guys abuse their partners, and not treat them with the respect they deserve, which I know I could give but have not been given the chance to. It feeds my sense of injustice and makes me question god's plans for me.

If nothing else, being single for so long now has given me a strong appreciation for the value a friendship/relationship with a female can provide, and how fulfilling it could be. It is a brutal reminder that true happiness only comes when it is shared with another person, and all the money and material things we have will never fill that void.

I often wish I could go back in time to apologise to my younger self for living a life of loneliness. I'd impart all of the wisdom I've accumulated and urge him to focus more on finding a girlfriend. I've also debated this life choice in my head often - would I sacrifice my career for the happiness that comes from having friends and being in loving relationship? The older I get the more I lean to the latter.

I am told often that I just haven't met the person yet. This is also true, and I don't want to give up. It is just becoming harder to keep going back to the well after all these rejections. My best to your friend, I hope they find someone special soon.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

BballJ — Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:32:38 GMT

Hi lonleyheart101,

Thanks for posting back.

I think at one point we are all focused so much on our careers we forget to have a social life. It is hard to balance and I don't think you should regret the decision you made because being in love but not have a decent enough job to even afford to rent.. makes keeping the relationship twice as hard. I honestly think you just haven't met the right one. We put so much effort into not slipping up on the first date it almost shy's away from our real personality, the one we have to actually offer that the other person will actually fall in love with. I think you simply have a lot to offer, and I have spoken to you for no more than 5 minutes i reckon.

I used to think the same to be honest, I used to wonder if i put so much focus on working, I never had a relationship through my early 20's, never went out, sat at home, quite lonely also... I met my now wife at 24 years old... when I thought there was no one for me as I never had luck with girls through my teenage years and early 20's, not to mention, didn't have a lot of friends either, so believe me when I say I understand to a degree what you are going through.

Keep your head up and remain positive.. positive mindset are one powerful thing especially when looking for a relationship.. people want to be around positive people so keep smiling as much as possible 🙂

My best for you,

Jay

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Apollo_Black — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 03:57:43 GMT

Hi there

Guy friends, do you hang out with many guy friends?

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Nikkir — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 04:33:45 GMT

Hi lonelyheart101,

Thank you for your reply, great to hear from you:) I can only imagine how hard it must be when you are happy to meet up with someone then it doesn't work out and not having any friends to bounce things off is hard, in my experience and I don't have that much with friends but not many people have been that helpful when I have been dating, some have laughed or made jokes of some kind or told me i can do better, as nice as it would be I think we are our best judge and unfortunately critic. I would rather talk to a counsellor or BB online or anonymous because I have found more acceptance and less judgement and not the constant reminders friends can offer, but that's just me. Another thing I wanted to say is I admire your determination to keep trying, that inspires me and to keep occupied with positive activities. I think things work out the way they are mean't to in a way and maybe you will meet someone who enjoys having a career as well. A lady told me recently be comfortable in your own skin and do things because you want to, not because you think you will meet someone or have expectations and then people will be drawn to you. Personally I haven't tried this theory, and I do like evidence but it sounds healthy for now although I do believe you meet people in places you go so if you go to church everyday well maybe you will or wouldn't meet someone there. Yes always call the line or contact us, everybody feels alone/ lonely at some point but we just have to keep going to and try new ways, new ideas.

Take care

Nikkir x

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

girl_interrupted — Thu, 01 Dec 2016 12:29:53 GMT

Hi Lonelyheart. Thanks for your post. Dating is hard. I'm very familiar with rejection. I have heard the odd story of people meeting online and falling in love and they've gotten married and are still together. But I'm not sure the odds are great on finding your ideal partner online (if that's an option you've tried). I'm told that chances are much better when you are in the right head space and aren't necessarily looking for it, just comfortable with who you are and your life purpose and where you're at. It just seems to happen when you least expect it, they all say. (excuse my cynicism coz i've heard that line for so long now lol). Having said that, I think the best place to start is to look at expanding your social circle, getting out of your comfort zone (do something a little different/something that challenges or scares you). Maybe try meetups in your area. There's so many different groups out there now and lots to choose from with things that may interest you. I apologize if I'm rambling (lack of sleep). Or you could even start your own meetup to attract certain types of people with similar interests etc. Best of luck and keep us posted.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 03:51:13 GMT

Hi LonelyHeart,

If it helps, I feel exactly the same way. I think I am a decent person and when I am in a relationship, a great girlfriend (and thanks to you I am actually grateful to have had this experience, despite the crushing feelings of a break-up) yet I see so many people in relationships that treat their partner terribly and still their partner sticks around.

I have had ex-boyfriends tell me about their past relationships and how manipulative and cruel their ex's were and yet they stayed with them for many years, married them, had kids with them etc and yet they don't want to stay with me. I just don't understand what I could be doing wrong. I guess the saying "treat them mean, keep them keen" may be accurate, but I just can't be mean. I would rather live by "treat others how you would like to be treated"... yet this just leads to me loving someone and giving anything to see them happy, but they do not do the same for me.

It is comforting to know that there is someone else out there with good intentions who just honestly wants to love and be loved. I think that is what everyone ultimately wants but some people have a strange way of going about it, and some people reject that love when it is offered to them.

I struggle so much with my loneliness but also feel I may be better off being lonely than facing constant rejection. Thank-you for posting, it has comforted me.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Quiettall — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:59:04 GMT

Hello Boo

I wanted to encourage you. I have struggled with loneliness like you when moving from one job to another, either interstate or overseas. When I felt the way you do now, I took myself off to meet other people through various social gatherings that I might be vaguely interested in, such as craft, hobby, social or interest groups. By focussing on building some casual friendships first, it gave me more confidence and poise to then be free and open and relaxed to engage in a a more deeper relationship.

There are plenty of people who will support you here, and can attest that having a "love-partner" is not the only antidote for loneliness. May who are either married or partnered are just as lonely, and that is often because they dont have a broader range of friends and interests to fill their lives....focussing too much on the relationship with the significant other. I know...I have been there and sometimes fall back into that trap even now.

Anyway, chin up and hope my comments are of help

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 05:23:20 GMT

Thank-you Quiettall,

Your comments certainly have helped. As has everyone within these forums actually. I am really glad I did this.

I have always been a little too focused on a love-partner due to my religious upbringing, basically I was always taught that marriage is the ultimate goal, and I feel like a failure for not having achieved this. Although I stopped going to church at 18, and formally resigned my church membership last year, I just haven't been able to shake this feeling that I am 'incomplete' without a man. I really want to be a strong, happy, independent woman... but I always seem to seek out relationships to define myself, and my self-worth.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Meridian — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 11:05:16 GMT

Hi Lonelyheart101

I have been on that dating scene and I think I might have some things that may help - from the other side of the dating table. 🙂

You know you're successful at work. You know your dedicated to going to the gym. You know you have so much going for you. Sit back, ask about them and their lives and allow them to slowly discover all the fabulous things about you, on their own. Might take a second date or more to get that info out of you because you're humble, unassuming, and awesome!

Successful at work enough for a transfer: woo hoo BUT making sure the date knows this would be a big turnoff.

Gym: everyone wants someone who takes care of themselves. Discipline is thought highly of but inflexibility and not prioritising a partner when in need, over sticking to your strict gym routine is a big tick in the no box. I have experienced this and those who portray themselves as incredibly devoted to their routines, food and schedules will always be interpreted on a FIRST date as: 'you will always be second to my needs'.

I would play down the lack of relationship experience. When someone is worthy of you they tend not to be interested in what went before. They like who you are NOW. If questions arise on future dates always be honest. Doesn't mean you have to give explicit explanations. Short and sweet only and by then it won't matter!

'I moved interstate for work' is enough to get a conversation going.'oh really, what do you do for work?'

'I go to the gym as often as I can. Its a great way of managing stress and is something I believe I will always do.'

'That sounds fantastic, I like going to the gym too it really relaxes me after a tough day at work. Where do you train?'

For me the key to an appealing date was: intelligent, humble about achievements, subtle about wants and chilled personality. Is acting as themselves (not who they think you want them to be)

Also honesty and amazing manners and someone you know would be there for you even if you were a stranger on the street in need. Im sure thats you.

Oh and when asked what you're looking for in a partner? Be honest of course. I always admired answers that were non restrictive such as 'someone who is happy with who I am and who I adore' or 'someone who I can share my life with'. and leave it at that. When I have been given those sort of answers theres always a kind of smiley quiet moment where both parties imagine that kind of happiness. Nice scene to set :

good luck xx

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

lonelyheart101 — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 10:30:43 GMT

I have been on more dates since my last post (as per advice on not giving up). But unsurprisingly they have
again all failed to lead to a second date. The last date I went on we had a great time and Meridian, to touch on what you said, I definitely do not overplay things like my job, gym, health etc. I always show interest in
the other person, we enjoy some banter and the evenings last for hours. So the last rejection stung me the worst after in her own words I was kind, honest, intelligent, and attractive. This after she went on 3-4 times with a previous guy who she complained was too critical of her and made her pay for one dinner! I’ll never degrade myself by being mean to a girl. I’m sure I speak for many people here, but being rejected after being told you have so many good qualities really is devastating and hurtful.
I often receive the 'I just didn't feel the chemistry' reply. I get that the failed chemistry dynamic is not uncommon on first dates (and some dates I haven’t felt the chemistry). But my sample size of failed dates is now too big for me to ignore that I simply don’t have any spark with most girls I like. The easy option is to give up but I may as well keep banging my head on the wall. On the plus side I get a break from my loneliness by having the company of an attractive woman for a few hours at least.
The other suggestion is that I expand my social circle and take up an activity. Those things are great and I do make an effort to every while to get away up the coast or country (love exploring, hiking and nature). At the end of the day those things will not stop me from wanting something deep and meaningful. Even cracking a smile is becoming so difficult in the days after I get sucker punched by the rejection message (let alone working up the energy to be social in an activity.

Thanks everyone for their support, I know you all mean well.

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

rufio — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 22:27:30 GMT

i get that feeling too. im 31 and have only had a couple relationships and they have never lasted longer then a couple months. ive been trying online dating for a while and havent found much. i have friends but i still feel lonely often. i have considered just stopping and working on being alone but i dont like just giving up and i know like everything somethings just take more time and everyone is different.

ive double downed with apps, ive been joining more groups, im looking for a job and also want to find some volunteer work to do.

so i guess what i am saying is i hope we both keep trying and find what we want and in the meantime be happy with ourselves ^_^

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

Lonely22 — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 10:19:45 GMT

Lonelyheart101,

that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. As you can tell by my username I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although I don't have the dating experience you've had, I am so fearful of rejection that I talk myself out of asking girls out, or just force myself to view women in the most innocent way so as not to become infatuated by her.

You go on dates frequently, that to me is an indication that women are at least attracted to you and willing to know more about you. You come across as very knowledgeable In relationships, you know the type of woman you wish to be with, there's no reason to settle for anyone other than that ideal match. No company is better than bad company, especially for eternity, so stay strong and hopeful.

You're confident, don't let rejection take this from your personality. From the advice I receive on this forum, confidence is so important, I hope you remain this way.

You are religious, I take from your posit that God may intend for you to be alone. I used to think this way, then I looked back at all of the opportunities I've had to make relationships, the girls that have come into my life without my own 'putting myself out there' that I've become infatuated by. God did this, knows my unconfidence, anxiety issues, and placed these women in my life, albeit for brief periods, and my not pursuing these interests, taking a chance, that's on me, and I deserve where I am, God did all that he could,without creating these relationships entirely, thereby not giving me a chance to at least help myself, be confident, break out of my shell and work for the relationship. Think about your life, the women you have come into contact with, have you done all that you possibly could. I know I haven't, but I know what I need to do in the future to change this.

Have a merry Christmas, use this time to appreciate other areas of your life that may be overlooked. 🎄

Struggling to deal with the loneliness

lonelyheart101 — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 13:29:26 GMT

Lonely22

I understand the phase you’re going through, having myself experienced it. Being self-aware is so important and you’ve identified what you need to change to improve your outlook. Forming a relationship is a multi-layered process, each with its own sets of challenges. The ‘first date’ phase has given me a different kind of grief.

In regards to doing all I could, the hurt comes from not understanding what my fault is. If chemistry or spark is some abstract notion, and I’m lacking it, how do I even fix it? I was always under the notion that being a nice person with a sense of humour was the right attitude to take into a date. I look around and see how comfortable girls are making physical contact with their boyfriends. Spark is something I’ve tried to initiate but with no reciprocation (obviously without trying to be creepy doing it). I agree that no one should settle for anything less than their ideal partner. But how do I know what an ideal partner is if I can’t manage more than one date with them?

I think god challenges all of us in different ways. But also guides us in identifying how to overcome those challenges. I’m missing that guidance right now, to the point where I’m questioning my own self-worth. Maybe the girls are seeing a problem in me that I’m oblivious to. I guess my issues run deeper than I thought. I feel worn down my rejections (I can see the pain around my eyes when I look in the mirror). It is getting harder to stay confident during my day-to-day life.

I am spending Christmas with my family. Hopefully I can find some comfort with them and remember what it’s like to feel loved, even if only for a few days before returning interstate. Going through this experience I wish it upon no one.

I hope you find the courage to approach a girl and make something of your opportunity. Girls give out cues when they're interested. Smile and when you see her smile back for example, approach her with a friendly icebreaker followed by an introduction. Once you start talking it becomes so much easier.

Merry xmas to you too.