topic please help in Relationship and family issues

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 00:57:36 GMT

My wife and I are having an in-house separation at the moment. we have been married almost 20 years. it has come to a point that she is so unhappy with me that she has asked me to leave. I am going through a bad time at work and I suspect I have depression, seen my GP but not had the results as yet. I do not feel comfortable talking to her.

this morning she told me to take the kids and go to Melbourne for Christmas, as my family live there, I told her that is not an option. I am getting help and I have asked her to get help as well, but she does not believe she needs it.

what do I do

please help

pipsy — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 01:28:36 GMT

Hi Ricardo2. I'm so sorry to hear your situation. It's so hard when depression hits, as it totally clouds the mind and zaps the energy levels. Trying to explain it someone else is like trying to teach someone to speak a foreign language. I am glad to hear you saw your Dr. Did you explain to your wife that you had seen your Dr and were waiting on results re: depression. Often when we hear the word 'depression' it scares us as we don't fully understand it and we feel threatened. It could be your wife is concerned about taking care of you, herself, your kids etc and she may feel if you were not there, this would ease her worry. Perhaps next time she suggests you go to Melbourne it might be an idea to ask her to put the thought on hold for now. Tell her you are considering it for later, but now is not a good time for you to be away from medical help. I would not reiterate the suggestion your wife gets some help as this could cause more agro. She is probably scared and confused and suggesting at this time she gets help is a bit counter. Let her see the benefits from you getting help first. Try at this stage to not engage in conversation re: depression as not understanding it often leads to further disagreements.

Lynda

please help

mgd2016 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 02:14:44 GMT

Hi Ricardo2. First, I hope things improve, taking a step towards achieving better mental health equals trying to be a better person, in my opinion, and the fact that you took that step is commendable.

Reading your post gave me some insight in regards to my husband's situation, like you he is terribly stressed, work drains him mentally and physically and added financial problems, he's having a tough time coping. Let's say I could easily be your wife. When my husband and I talk about what's the root problem in our relationship is it comes down to him, and I'm sure he resents me for saying that and says I'm no picnic either but I feel like no matter how hard I try I am always criticized, ridiculed, on the bad end of his temper and it has worn pretty thin after 11 years together so I grew angry, frustrated and defiant and refuse to take the blame because I do not feel it's me who's sinking the boat. I've had enough so I'm not as patient and understanding as I once was. I did not get to that point yet of asking him to leave but you have an extra 10 years under the belt. Please don't misunderstand me, I truly believe no one is perfect and I'm sure your wife could improve the way she communicates with you and support you through your hard times but she either doesn't know how to do it effectively or she can't be bothered trying anymore. I would definitely get help and let her see you doing your bit to save your relationship, I'm sure she will see you are committed and willing to do what it takes. Good luck! Thanks for the insight.

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 06:12:00 GMT

Thanks Lynda and mgd2016

I am so confused now:( I hit rock bottom today as a job that I applied for and was so sure of getting turned me down. when it rains it pores. what is wrong with me. I have bad thoughts this afternoon. but they are only thoughts it will not happen. I know if I agree to a separation we will loose our son, he will not cope and it is going to be an issue. but I do not like seen my wife so unhappy, and if I am the reason for that unhappiness then may be I should just leave and then she might be happy. but will that be the selfish thing to do for the kids specially the older one.

please help

pipsy — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 06:52:44 GMT

Hi Ricardo 2. I'm so sorry you didn't get the job you hoped for. Perhaps this was meant to be as getting a job at this stage might be more than you could cope with. There is nothing wrong with you, but when we are severely depressed things get on top more so than they would usually. Have you been back to the Dr for the results of the tests to determine whether you have clinical depression or short-term? With any sort of depression, you really need to discuss with your Dr how to treat it, and if the treatment is going to be ongoing. I wouldn't suggest you make any sort of decisions regarding your marriage or children till you are able to process your thoughts clearly. Depression clouds our minds and stops us thinking clearly. Many wrong decisions have been made while the person has been unable to think properly. If you leave, how are you going to feel? I think you will worry more about your wife and children coping, therefore hindering your recovery. When my marriage was in trouble, I too ran around in circles trying to process what to do, and where to go. I was advised to think things carefully, through before making any decisions or changes. It took me several months before I was able to think about what to do. I had outside interference which caused more mayhem.

Lynda

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:34:41 GMT

Hi Lynda

thanks for that, when you said the outside interference caused more mayhem what do you mean? was it professional help or jets people interfering. i have not seen my GP as yet but have to do some bloods first before i see her, i will do that this weekend.

she has told me again to take the kids and go to Melbourne but i strongly do not think it is an option

please help

Apollo_Black — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:36:00 GMT

Hi Ricardo

I've debated for a long time whether or not to reply to your post. It really hurts to read it as I feel your pain. I've read your other post too which explains your situation more. Things are at a critical point because your wife has asked you to leave. I understand you're likely depressed and you're under incredible pressure regarding your work situation and worrying about the welfare of your children, in particular your eldest - who just happens to be going through a period where hormones and challenging behaviour is likely at its peak.

I feel your need for peace and making things normal and your wife happy again. There are going to be some things you won't be able to change or fix. Somehow you need to let go of the fear that you may lose your wife. I know this sounds hard but it's something you cannot change. You need to focus on what you can change - and that's how you respond to your current situation. Focus on linking in with your GP and get any treatment recommended. As hard as it may sound you need to stay strong. This is HARD. You need to stay strong for you and your family. I may be going against all the best advice out there, but from my experience - and I'm still going through the worst of it - is that you HAVE TO STAY STRONG. Get a good therapist and download to them, cry to them. Splurge on your closest friends, lean on them - get their support. Use those resources to take that pressure away from your wife. Go on autopliot at work if you have to, just to get you through this period. Don't make any massive decisions right now. Spend time with your children. I can't talk from experience because I only have a 5 year old boy, however I have read a book call "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddiulph (get it on your phone). Apparently from 14 years up it is common for boys to clash with their dad's, that's why it can be useful to have another male (older) role model to step in and help.

Anyway, I digress. The most pressing issue is your wife's request that you leave. "Separation" does not bode well for marriage. The more separate you are the harder it is to pull it back together. So if you leave, bear in mind you probably won't be coming back. I also suggest that leaving the house is not in your best interests. Once you leave you are at risk of compromising time spent with your children and equitable division of assets. Therefore you work on your marriage by you both agreeing to marriage counselling - OR....

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:43:49 GMT

thanks Apollo Black

i know leaving is not an option to save our marriage. my 15 yo does not clash with me but he clashes with mum. and that is why i know if i go he will run away and that will be the end of him. i have to put up with what ever for him. he is my first child and i live for him

please help

Apollo_Black — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:45:17 GMT

OR...you agree to end the marriage and draw up a signed parenting plan before anyone (particularly you) leaves the family home.

Christmas is a stressful time. I'd be negotiating some kind of truce regarding ANY decision making at this point until the new year. This gives the children a chance of having a relatively normal Christmas, you the chance of getting some treatment (if required) - or at least discussing your issues with a professional in real life), and a bit more time for things to cool down.

Now you have said much about your wife. You've said intimacy has been low due to your low mood, which sounds like it stems from the unhappy work situation. Is there anything else going on here? I know you said you feel distant from your kids a little - this can be worked on...but are you sure she's not seeing anyone else or anything like that??? I just sense that things are escalating quite quickly...so either you've been depressed for a while and she's feeling the strain, or there's something else. It's something to vary of anyway.

Stay the course Ricardo. You sound like a gentleman. You're sensitive. This is good, but you need to be strong right now. Just think that you are working on yourself...you're working on healing course;f...but right now you need to hold it together., not only for yourself but for your kids. Don't worry about your wife's happiness right now. get yourself back on track but do your best to be a strong family man. Come here and download as much as you need to. We're all rooting for you. And most importantly your not alone.

I Just don't thnk you should leave the house man.

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:57:09 GMT

Thanks Apollo

I do not think she is seen anyone, but i have not told her that i am going through depression as i still do not know for sure. to a degree i agree with why she is unhappy with me as i do to talk to her much or do not discuss things much with her, as it always come back to either money or something she is unhappy about. we are not in financial difeculty but she wants pay the house off before she is 50 so she is making it like it is everything. so when she voice her dissatisfactions about me i tend to make things happen just to keep her happy and then it just goes back to the same old way, so she says she has had it. am not thinking of leaving just like that

please help

Apollo_Black — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 10:05:02 GMT

So have you been to a marriage counselor together???

please help

pipsy — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 10:57:13 GMT

Hi Ricardo 2. With me, my toxic in-laws caused most of our problems. I had severe depression, I begged my ex to spend time with me. He repeatedly, totally ignored my needs in favour of his parents. My ex MIL frequently questioned everything we did. My ex FIL wrote the book on chauvinism. I was constantly told to 'snap out of it'. My ex was paranoid about money, he would frequently tell me to 'tighten my belt' with money, then tell me not to 'take it personally', when I asked him how I was supposed to 'tighten my belt'. I took this treatment for over 20 years till I 'snapped'. The severity of my depression, plus the frequent ignorance from ex and his parents, had me questioning everything. Through these forums, I re-gained my confidence and made the decision to leave. Depression can cloud your mind and trying to sort fact from fiction becomes a nightmare. Since leaving him, I am thinking clearly and know what I want. My finances are mine and I'm now in control of my life. The counselling and support I received from here got me to where I am now. The decision to leave only came into fruition when I was able to think clearly about what I wanted. It took several months, but I was told not to rush, I was told to weigh up what I had against what I could have. I had nothing, now I have everything, but I took things slowly. I would lay awake at night, fretting. I self blamed (this is normal in victims). I know now I was not to blame, I made the wrong choice. It's no-one's fault. Your case is different.

Lynda

please help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 20:05:15 GMT

Hi Apollo we went to a counsellor once together some time ago and i really didn't like him, as he said men and women are not meant to be together the only reason they do is because they like whats in-between each others legs. i thought it was a very strange thing to say.

Lynda you have not mentioned if you had any kids? would your dissection to leave wold have been different?

in my case i really do not think separation is the best thing as i really still love her so much. but does she love me back?

please help

pipsy — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 06:02:54 GMT

Hi Ricardo 2. The counsellors comments regarding the reason men and women get together was extremely inappropriate. Were you able to report this? I do have children 2 grown-up, both married with their own families. No, they are not his. They were not completely aware just how toxic things were. Their relationship with my ex was difficult as they did not entirely approve of the marriage. They did meet my ex in-laws a few times and things there were strained as well. I actually made an attempt to end my life and this caused major disruptions within our household and with my toxic in-laws. My kids were furious, beyond furious when I attempted suicide. They demanded to know why and where my ex was. He was at work. My son and son in-law nearly came to blows with my ex in the hospital carpark. My chauvinistic ex FIL told me to see my local minister for counselling. These forums were major in guiding and supporting me. My ex MIL frequently questioned everything my ex and I wanted to do or buy. My ex never supported me by telling her to mind her business. I was told frequently to just ignore her. My ex family are great in telling everyone to ignore everyone else. However, you can't keep just ignoring or pretending when you are feeling so depressed and need support. I do still experience 'down' days but they are few and far between and I have strategies for handling the depression. I have contacts available and I have a job which has been good. Severe depression is different because it stops you from functioning. I've had severe depression and understand more.

Lynda