topic I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP in Relationship and family issues

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

Bandit12 — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 07:11:52 GMT

My boyfriend dumped me this morning, we had been together two years, living together with our dogs and were about to buy a house. I will be moving out but I'm uncertain whether due to his depression he withdraw his decision. My boyfriend is highly prone to depression and it normally sweeps in with the dark cloud once he's stressed. He becomes stressed about one area of his life and it quickly spreads to how he feels about all other areas. I don't doubt that he loved me but he's claiming now that he feels no spark between us and that the love he has is not what it once was. I don't believe him. I am convinced that in his depressive state that he feels no joy in his whole life, therfore clouding how he feels about me. During our relationship he has had many ups and downs, I have supported him throughout them all. If his depression becomes too strong he normally starts analyzing our relationship even if the trigger was something completely different. In this case his parents are currently going through a very nasty, messy divorce that he has found himself the mediator in. In October we were happy and attending open houses, by November he is well and truly depressed about his parents, December depressed about his job and now early January the cloud has covered me. I'm unsure if he will realise he's made a mistake and the black cloud has conjured his decision. I'm not coping very well with his decision to break up as I love him and value our relationship, especially when the cloud clears. Any advice would be helpful, not really sure what to do

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

DianaPrince — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 09:05:43 GMT

I'm in something similar right now with my partner. I think depression makes them see only the bad things... and that bad-ness isn't you. It's something they see in themselves. Trauma from long ago- unresolved things... and then it just comes up as depression.

My partner left me when we were trying to conceive. We were in love... We were building something beautiful and he left. I don't understand that... but i keep reading it happens.

I don't know what to do.

I have respected his wishes and i am no longer in contact with him. I must say it pains me though. I love him, as you love your partner. I think we must just hold to hope. Hope and faith is all i have.

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

Bandit12 — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 02:45:05 GMT

Thank you for your response, I really needed to hear I was not alone in this type of situation. It's hard to try to decipher what they are saying or how they are thinking. Especially when I feel that he does love me and he just creates problems that are not there with his negative over thinking. We broke up yesterday but I stayed in our house last night to say good bye to one of dogs (as he is keeping one and I'm taking the other), this morning before leaving he told me he loved me but needs to sort himself out. I'm scare he was only saying these things because he wants me to almost stay around because he's unsure he's made the right decision. I now am going to be staying with my family, unsure of my housing situation in the long term and am completely devastated that he has made the wrong choice and I'll be stuck in limbo for the time being while he conflicts his thoughts. I'm unsure if I should be looking for a rental or trying to settle myself else where with the slight possibility he will want what we had back. How was your living situation after he decided to call the relationship off? And how long has it been since the break up in your situation?

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

pipsy — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 03:16:22 GMT

Hi Bandit. I am similar to your ex partner in that I too suffer debilitating depression. I am in a fairly new relationship too. I have decided to apply for a divorce from my ex. I was married for 25 years to an emotionally abusive hubby. It was the sort of abuse where I was constantly being told I was 'clingy', 'jealous', 'possessive'. My ex was basically a 'mummy's boy', he would rather visit his parents than spend time building our 'marriage'. I put the word marriage in inverted commas as it was a total farce. My in-laws treated me less respectfully than he did, in a different way. While they never accused me of being 'clingy' etc, I was often told to 'stop being silly' my depression was pretty full-on. Because I endured this abuse for over 25 years, I still carry the scars of this abuse. I informed my bf he could end our relationship if he felt I was being any of the above. When someone has been hurt and they get another chance, often they find it hard to believe they are worthy of that second chance. If your bf was in a previous relationship that ended sour or he was 'clingy' or his ex partner was, this can profoundly cause problems if the depression caused by the break-up is unresolved. You mentioned he is mediating between his parents through their divorce. This will no doubt be having some pretty devastating effects on him. If you can email him just to say you love him and you're thinking of him this may give him something to hang onto. Let him know a reply is not necessary, only if and when he's ready to contact you. My bf did just that, that was amazing for me as I needed to hear from him.

Lynda

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

DianaPrince — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 21:12:32 GMT

He called it off by saying he loves me more than anything in the world but that he needs yo be alone. He asked me to let go of him because he said that's what he'd do. It took me a week to send back all his stuff.... and then about 2 weeks later he got in touch and said he felt it was a mistake. We talked lots, about a month of sharing and it seemed he was getting better... but then he had a personal loss and completely shut me out. I jusr received breakup 2.0 and although it hurts, i have resolve. This is my Love, and i am committed to him, even if he cannot love himself.

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

DianaPrince — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 21:22:25 GMT

I also read a lot of here that //some// partners are abusive and depressed. I guess if your partner is an abusive tool, leave now.

But when your partner is npt abusive, but instead a gentle sweet person who wouldn't hurt a fly... well, like mine (and yours?), i think we need to face it with an educated approach. I am expanding my knowledge on depression and clinical interventions. I am taking further study. I am speaking to my therapist for support. I am looking into family support groups. I am growing my awareness. If your partner is not abusive, and you are not a victim or a person with your own significant unresolved pains... then your desire to stay, to support the one you love- i think it must be built on kindness and understanding and compassion. So in a way, i must let go... just of my "want". I must learn again to love selflessly. I think it will take my partner a long time to find his way out of the cloud. If you aim to be a support, you gotta find a way to keep plodding forward, eh?

💛

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

pipsy — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 03:13:16 GMT

Hi DianaPrince. You are on the right track. Trying to 'see' him as he sees himself means putting on his shoes (if you like). When you are dealing with stressful situations, either your own making or outside your 'comfort zone', often you become so caught up in the moment, walking away becomes mission impossible. If there is someone trying to offer support/comfort, it's hard to accept the support offered and let go of the problem because, it means stepping away from the problem and then summoning the courage to re-enter. The person who is trying to offer the shoulder to cry on, means well, but because they can't feel what you're feeling it's like walking through a fog that seems to get thicker. The person in the fog gets angry because they can't explain, the person offering the shoulder gets anxious because they're trying to understand. Stepping away from the person in the fog is actually kinder so they can find their way without hurrying. Let your bf know you are there, when he's ready, leave him to find his way back and respect his need to distance himself for now.

Lynda

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

Jessa004 — Sat, 07 Jan 2017 06:44:17 GMT

This same thing has happened to me 3 days ago. finally moved out with my partner of 7 years and all is going well until he becomes super withdrawn to the point where he couldn't even go to work, he cut all his friends off, lost interest in his family and then finally decided to breakup with me saying the same things your boyfriend did, didnt love me the same anymore etc. whats worse is that he thinks running away to another state to start fresh is going to solve his depression.

he has since text me saying how sorry he is to hurt me but he cant be with me when he's like this and craving a new life. i don't doubt that he loves me either. he has done this exact same thing and come back in the past. i don't know if theres much we can do but give space and reach out every now and then until they agree to have a proper talk in which we can let them know how deeply we care and love them. Unfortunately we may even have to let them go as sad as it will be for us losing our partner and bestfriend and hope that they will miss us enough to realise we weren't the problem, the depression is.

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

pipsy — Sat, 07 Jan 2017 08:50:10 GMT

Hi Jessa. If your partner is in denial as often happens with depression, he may contact you, but if he refuses to accept his illness (depression) he may never contact you. Some men see depression or any form of mental illness as being weak. Because of this (denial) these men seldom, if ever, admit to having any form of depression. They will hide behind a 'mask' and appear to be the life of the party. Even if deep down he does miss you, pride may stop him from contacting you. If he does contact you, let him lead the conversation. Ask him how he is, but keep it light so he will want to contact again. In other words, walk on eggshells.

Lynda

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

Jessa004 — Sun, 08 Jan 2017 01:33:06 GMT

Thank you so much for replying pipsy. At this point I feel so lost. It's the worst thing to be hurt and angry over being left. I'm experiencing major feelings of rejection and abandonment. I don't really like any of my friends, my partner was my best friend, it was us against the world. At the same time I'm feeling incredibly sad for him because he is alone also. I know he has no friends he connects with and he has had family issues since before I met him. He told me once when we were separated and he moved to the snow to find himself ( this is his plan again) that he went as far as preparing to end his life. This breaks my heart in so many ways.

He told me the only quality time he ever spent with his dad one on one was his annual trip to the snow. I believe this is why he runs away to work snow seasons when his depression gets him so down and he can't experience joy in his life. I can't tell him any of this though because he is a male and they don't see things the same.

But i do believe I will get an opportunity to talk to him again, only 4 days ago we lived together and now all the sudden we don't. It's very confusing.

Do you think I should try and find a way to walk away finally and work on myself? Even though the thought of something happening to him is too much to bear?

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

nzks17 — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 05:55:50 GMT

Hi Bandit,

I can't offer you any advice but I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one experiencing this. I was recently dumped by my boyfriend and I'm quite sure his decision to dump me was significantly influenced by depression. I'm not coping very well either. It hurts because you want to be there for them and care for them but they don't seem to want you to be.

I sincerely hope you can work through this and come out in a better place. Thinking of you.

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

Bandit12 — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 10:46:21 GMT

Hi Nzkz17 and Jessa004, I'm so sorry you are both also in the same heart wrenching situation as I am. I know that I need to give him space and take care of myself. I'm trying so hard to focus on what I need and not wondering if he's okay, what he's doing or whether he even misses me. I keep thinking that he's going to call and tell me he's made a huge mistake and to come back home to him and our dog ( killing me to be away from my staffy). But I know that he's probably over thinking every little thing that could possibly go wrong with us being together and how he's absolutely terrified about the plans we had to build a house and have children. I honestly believe that this has to be the end of us for it to ever possibly be rebuilt in the future and for him to maybe later on realize that he misses. I know he has a long way to go in actually becoming happy and loving himself. I guess I will occasionally still get a look in on how he's going due to the fact we actually work together as well... Needless to say it's another level of complications trying to give the one you love space when you still see them daily.. The devastating feeling I get from the way he has rejected me is nothing compared to the confusion I am carrying not knowing whether he does not love me or if it is the depression talking. Not really sure I'll ever know.

I don't think he dumped me, his depression did HELP

pipsy — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 11:03:12 GMT

Hi Jessa. I really wish I could give you some hope in this, but I can't. Your best bet is to try to move on and mark it to an enjoyable experience. You had 4 days of experiencing a beautiful love/friendship that few people ever have. I'm so sorry for your pain and rejection, but he has also rejected himself because 'running away' is a form of rejection too. I wouldn't hold out too much hope for a reconciliation even if he does contact you.

Lynda