topic Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship? in Relationship and family issues

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 05:30:09 GMT

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Apollo_Black — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 09:28:41 GMT

A very thoughtful post cmf. I've been haunting the relationship section because I want to contribute & help. Deep down I think I feel like a failure as I couldn't save my marriage and that's why I'm here so much. I want to help others to not make the same mistakes as I did. I want what didn't work for me to work for them. I see how some of us are prone to co-dependency & want them to run for the hills.

I've been on the forum for a little while, & it's quite interesting at the recent spike in relationship issues. Maybe it's seasonal? I'm sure BB would be able to run query (they still need to make some basic changes to this site so people know when someone has replied to their own thread). I try not to comment unless they come back - as it can be somewhat draining to invest in a comment only for the OP to never return.

But I digress. Yes the reasons are many. Cheaters, abusers, NPD, BPD, codependency, drugs, the list goes on.

I was drawn to your thread because I've been thinking the same recently. My "ex" wife took aversion to me suddenly standing up for myself & questioning why there was no love in our marriage. She then initiated a viscous campaign to get me to leave the family home. I refused, she got more vicious, verbally & physically abusive, probably cheated on me - then tried to alienate our young son from me. Then she moved out taking my son & everything else with her. I didn't see him for weeks. The court system is, well, slow to respond. She continues to get away with murder. I did everything for my son & now I'm only seeing him 3 nights a fortnight. She won't negotiate. It's horrible. I continue to fight for the right to have a meaningful relationship with my son. I don't miss HER, I miss my family - the feeling of having a family unit. I miss waking up to him. Now it's an empty house most of the time..

So I think it's ok to mourn a sense of togetherness, of having a relationship. We remember the good times and yearn for restoring them despite the abuse, cheating or whatever it was they did to us. We dwell on the why it happened but we are never satisfied with the answer. It's just what it is. I think in a lot of ways the earth is divided into 2 types of people....nice and mean. The nice suffer a lot. We are good people who only want to love and receive love in return. There's nothing wrong with that. Personally I've learned a lot and will never stop learning. But I won't fall for the mean again - they'll be ejected into the ether swiftly.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

MsPurple — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 11:37:39 GMT

HI CMF. Great post. Unfortunately I am very single. I thought I should post because I agree with your main point. I miss being in a relationship because I miss the company. I hate the thought of being alone. I hate the fact I have been single for 5 years now. Have I dated? Yes. But I haven't called someone my partner since then. I just haven't met the right person. It gets hard over time because I want to find the right person but since I have been single and alone for so long I am worried I would just go to anyone that shows me some interest. Thinking about it, it makes me vulnerable to being with someone like your ex because I will be happy I have company and being with someone who apparently wants me, yet may not be right and may not treat me right. My ex bf was nice, but we were highschool partners, but it was serious at the time. We broke up and I have no regrets and none of us are mad about it, he is now engaged and happy with his gf. I am happy for them but it makes me think, surely I should have found someone by now?

Overall I am gonna try remember your post. I want to be with someone because I love them and want to be with them, and not just because I want company. I can get company from friends, family and pets. I want to settle with someone that actually loves me. Again thanks for the post

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Touille — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 11:45:00 GMT

Hey Cmf,

A nice and considerate post.

If only we could erase those bad memories and cherish the good ones we had with out partners.

I really hope your heart heals as you have been through so much, married and than moved on, only to be rejected. You are still a strong person despite what you have been through, your little girl will learn a lot of valuable lessons from you.

Apollo Black: I'm so sorry that your marriage failed and you are alienated from your little boy. It's not good, he will only grow up to resent his mother, children suffer so much through divorce.

I have learnt some hard lessons by reading your post, I was going to get married this year, but broke off the relationship with my GF a year ago, I couldn't stand the nasty attitude.

I really hope you can work something out to see your boy more.

Take Care

Touille.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 00:42:06 GMT

Wow, such beautiful, thoughtful replies. I've learnt something from all of you, thank you.

Apollo Black this caught my attention "We dwell on the why it happened but we are never satisfied with the answer" ...ruminating I believe it's called. I'm saddened to hear what has happened to you and that you have o fight to see your son. May I ask how old he is? I see so many men here who are fighting to see more of their children. My ex husband has the kids every 2nd weekend and has dinner with them during the week and he is quite happy with that. He does take them away on school holidays. Sometimes it can be weeks. I haven't heard from him for over a week now because of a disagreement. I know when she is older he would like her to stay with him and he want to get a 2 bedroom apartment to accommodate this, he still lives with his parents now, but is it fair that he thinks he can just waltz in and take over when it suits him? I know I will be sick to the stomach when it happens, he abandoned me when I was pregnant, when she was sick in hospital, I have no faith in him. I feel he's never accepted the responsibility...but that's another story.

Ms Purple, I like this "I want to be with someone because I love them and want to be with them, and not just because I want company". It's very easy to fall for someone because we feel lonely and often its the wrong person but we don't see that. I'm a classic example of doing that. If we are not happy being on our own we will not be happy being with someone else. We can't expect someone to fill the void, it's too much pressure on the relationship, too much expectation. We need to find happiness within first.

Touille, bravo to you "...I couldn't stand the nasty attitude". You were smart enough to see that this was a trait that was not going to change, again, something I failed to accept.

I don't have a lot of friends, I don't go out and socialise really and I keep to myself. This contributes to me feeling lonely, even though its my choice as I don't have much to offer people. When people break up but they have friends and support I wonder why they are heartbroken as they have company and friends to go out with but its still hard for them to move on. I guess this is where the idea of someone comes into it. I don't like clubs and bars but the thought of going out and meeting someone is nice sometimes, when I feel i'm worthy. For now its just not on the cards I guess.

cmf x

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Apollo_Black — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 07:37:03 GMT

Hey cmf, my son is 5 years old next month

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 07:56:56 GMT

Apollo Black,

beautiful age, he's a little man. I hope you get to see more of him as you deserve.

i just realised my post didn't make sense. I wrote about my ex husband then went on to write about my ex partner, my little ones dad but I forgot to put in "my ex partner" who sometimes doesn't contact us for weeks.

sorry for the confusion.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

SubduedBlues — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 11:48:55 GMT

CMF

"Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it?" I think it is because change is hard. Even if we will be better off for the change, it we are not the ones that initiated the change ... we long to have things returned back to what they were before.

Drawing from my own experience, where my wife departed our marriage of 24 years, I think the most painful part for me was coming to the realization that our marriage had been over for quite some time. Her departure was just the next logical step for us. She realized this, she was ready for it to happen, and she made it happen. For whatever reason, I had not realized it, or was ignoring it hoping that we'd rekindle the fire, whatever it was I wasn't ready -- and when she left before I was ready my heart broke, my world shattered, and I entered into a state of despair.

Like you, there are many traits that my ex has that I dislike. Like you, some of these are irritating, selfish, and careless. But these traits are the same traits that she had when we were together; it's just that back then I ignored or tolerated them. I don't miss her as a person, but I do miss her as a presence.

Why is it hard for me to move on? Because I am afraid of another change. I have just gotten used to being without another person in the bed at night, and getting a new partner will mean more changes. It will mean that I need to get used to all of their quirks, and different ways of doing things, and having their stuff intermixed with my stuff, and then I have to change more for them. I have already had enough change, I don't want anymore. I am not ready for more.

I don't know if any of the above answers your question, but it's how I feel.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 18 Oct 2016 12:12:19 GMT

Hi D'jected,

thanks for reading and sharing your feelings. Yes you did answer my questions and how right you are with all the points you make. I especially like the last one re moving on. When a relationship ends, the thought of starting all over again with someone new is...draining. Maybe that's the wrong word but the thought of it makes me feel tired. You summed it up perfectly. Even though new romance is exciting we do need to be completely clear of the old one and ready to start afresh, if not we risk bringing our old baggage to the new one.

the thought of trusting someone with our hearts again is also a little scary. What if we get hurt again, how much can we take is it worth the risk?

I'm certainly not ready to look for love. I've been to hell and back, my heart has not healed.

i hope you find happiness D'jected, whether it be in company or just just being happy within yourself.

take care

cmf

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

SydneyKat — Wed, 19 Oct 2016 11:27:33 GMT

Maybe we that find it hard to let the person go, are fixers, solvers and want things put right?

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Touille — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 05:36:36 GMT

The sad reality is there are people who would work through any situation and be fully committed, loyalty, persistent, enduring, patient and loving, the other person in the relationship isn't, just immature, argues and wants out as they are a destructive person in some ways.

Just to calm the storm in our hearts, we would forgive and be happy again with them, but it wouldn't last.

I agree with you CMF, our hearts must be clear of the last person and be willing to trust again.

When you lose that person who promised to be there, it feels like someone died, that's how painful it is in our hearts.

So in finding the right person can be a hard long journey, but it is possible, I spent a day with some lovely ladies from my church and their personalities were so respectful and enjoyable. I believe we must use the brain to navigate the heart to the right person.

The right person will be patient and be there for us when we are ready to love again. True love is amazing, it's just got to be with someone with the same values.

Take Care

Hugs,

Touille

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Lazykh — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 08:22:04 GMT

Hi all,

What a brilliant conversation! You have all made some great points about why we remain stuck in relationships or are devastated when they dissolve regardless of a lack of reciprocal love.

I work with a lot of clients who are going through what I term 'stuckness'. I'm not the angel of death or love's executioner - some stay together and work it out, some stay together and don't work it out, some leave. I would have to say that the top reason people stay I have noticed is usually only elucidated through therapy, but when we get right down to the nitty gritty it's often that my client is holding on to the dream of how they thought the relationship could be, or how it used to be, even though it is not true in the present moment. Being fully conscious in the present is a key concept of mindfulness and achieving harmony - you don't want to be living in the past or for the future (been there done that myself too). Once you start to live in the present moment and evaluate how satisfying the relationship is to you in the here and now, you begin to be able to make conscious, logical decisions about the relationship's prognosis. And once you do that, you begin to move forwards.

Having said that, I have a worksheet I use with my clients with 25 different factors that cause people to stay in unsatisfying relationships so that's only the most salient one. There are many more and you have all come up with quite a lot of them.

Anyway, I just wanted to say congrats on the content you have all thought of in this conversation and encourage you to continue chatting and thinking through the journey.

Kind Regards,

Lazykh.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 10:06:41 GMT

Hi Lazykh

thanks so much for your comments. Everyone's input has been great and a lot of food for thought. Interesting that we have come up with many of the factors on your worksheet.

cmf

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Lazykh — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 10:26:42 GMT

Yes, great teamwork! Good introspection.

Also great to see the wheels of logic turning that while we may think it will be easier in the short term to return/stay, it's robbing Peter to pay Paul when you have enough evidence to suggest that any 'changes' will not be lasting and therefore not really changes at all...

Kind Regards,

Lazykh

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 00:35:53 GMT

Hi all

Thought i would revive this thread as there are a few of us pondering relationships.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Cmf

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Moonstruck — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 01:58:16 GMT

Hi CMF ....I found this thread .."missing the relationship, not person" etc. and so glad I did. Never knew it was there. Good to see someone else recognises what I have recently realised and was thinking of a way to articulate it on here somewhere.
You see, my last relationship which I walked away from....it was clear to me it was not the physical presence of the person, standing right there in front of or beside me..it was the "feeling" I had from knowing I had some kind of "relationship" in my life -part of a "couple". Walking into a place with another person, sitting with a person others perceived as my "partner". we were "together"
that's what it looked like to others, and that is what I had missed for such a long time....being the "other half" of someone, despite all the bad, sad, hard to cope with, bits that no one else saw.
when I broke up with him, I knew I wouldn't miss "him" as much as the "feeling". No, I didn't desperately want "him back" his presence in my house. I wanted that "feeling" back! I realise this sounds really confusing, but is clear as crystal to me..could I manufacture that "feeling" of well being, at peace, Ok with the world....all by MYSELF??
Wouldn't it be Wonderful if I had that power....to choose my own thoughts and emotions?
I am still a "work in progress". (I am talking about the Ex with whom I have just re-connected in a casual friendly way.) Do I want to go further? I would like that "feeling" back. BUT..a real live person comes with that.....do I miss HIM....or....the Relationship?????................Answers please? Heeee lllll pppp!
(no matter how old we get.....we STILL haven't solved the centuries old "love" thing!!!! Animals have...we can't!

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 02:41:21 GMT

Hello Moon 🙂

I love your points on this topic. This stood out to me

' I would like that "feeling" back. BUT..a real live person comes with that'.

You now my story well Moon and it has taken me a long time but over time I have started to realise that I am happy with my my own company and sort of prefer it at times. Yes, i get lonely on weekends but i think it is because my routine changes and i have too much time to think. I get uncomfortable at big family events ie weddings if I have to go alone because i feel people will talk about me but luckily i do not have many of those to go to. I too would like male company, even if just for a chat but do i want to have someone around all the time or would i like to be free to do as i please without having to consider other person? God knows after the last relationship i think i would rather go solo. When we have been treated badly and we think we miss the person i believe what we need to find who we are again and, as Paul says, love ourselves or like ourselves because in bad relationships we lose who we are as we are told we are other things. Self care is really important here.

If a relationship ends on good terms, for whatever reason yes we can definitely miss the person but it is that change in our status from couple to single that we need to adjust to. This takes time but it can be done i believe.

cmf x

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

kanga_brumby — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 06:46:44 GMT

The main issues I have had is I just hate bring alone I love being with people. Even is we are arguing. Then you make up, the clincher for me leaving is the partner going of with another person, for sex. I don't trust after that. I have had partners knowing others have done this " I will never do that to you." Mean time a short time later caught doing the horizontal tango. "But you don't understand you don't understand. " I didn't promise you did I didn't have sex with another person you did. Point is good bye Be honest in your relationships. Be trust worthy that applies to everyone. All genders all orientations.

Kanga

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

marcus_c — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 06:55:14 GMT

What a great thread! I can think of a good few times where I've convinced myself it's the person I miss when it's actually the relationship and what that meant to me. I figured out what was happening as soon as I realised that I cherry picking out all the good stuff that happened when we were together and ignoring the (numerous) bad. I wanted it to work so badly that I forgave a lot of crap and ignored a lot of red flags.

CMF is right, it's better to be alone and secure in yourself. Not only will you be happier, but you're more likely to find a special someone that adds to your life rather than feeling like a half-empty person that needs to be 'completed'.

Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

CMF — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 07:04:23 GMT

Wow great to see some thoughts on this topic.

Kanga- heeelllllooo 🙂 I like this 'is the partner going off with another person, for sex'. Yes i have been anxious over this sort of thing many times. It is such an awful feeling.

Marcus, hi, haven't met you on the threads before so nice to meet you! ' I wanted it to work so badly that I forgave a lot of crap and ignored a lot of red flags.' This was a huge mistake of mine. We should be with someone because we want to not because we feel we need to.

cmf