topic Living with in-laws and getting depressed in Relationship and family issues

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

G-Karen — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 17:07:11 GMT

A bit of context. I have been married 9 months and was dating my husband for 9 years. Coming from an indian background, it wasn't culturally appropriate for us to live/travel together until marriage. So finally, after waiting many years to achieve career goals, we got married. And boy has it been the biggest change of my life. My husband built a big family home a few years ago, so I live with him, his parents and his sibling. It has been an incredible challenge for me and I'm not sure if my depression is due to my own issues or partly due to our living arrangements. he is convinced they are my own issues. We would love to move out, but we cannot afford it as we have this mortgage.

The first few months were great, I know his family well and it was awesome just being together. But over the past few months, life has thrown some curve balls - grandparent passed away, both our dads had massive health scares and we both started new jobs. Suddenly I find myself suffocating at his house. I can't escape his family to have my own space, and I don't have the emotional privacy to deal with everything. HIs family is great and all, however I am just craving some control. I am beginning to feel like this isn't the home of my husband and I, I feel like another child being told what to do by parents and my role is just to slip into their way of living and just be okay with it. It is like being on a reality TV show called family swap!

I have to act like everything is awesome when I step outside our bedroom and laugh and joke like everything is fine with his family. I am not comfortable showing what I am really feeling around them and I am struggling to have the privacy to talk to my husband about everything openly because I fear they will know something is going on. This is really affecting our marriage. He can't understand why I can't just try harder to make this place work for me - because we can't financially afford to buy another place and he won't compromise to rent somewhere. When I first had a few breakdowns, he was understanding, but not anymore. he's just over it and thinks I'm being dramatic. I had a breakdown tonight and he left me crying in the bathroom and went to sleep. I am sleeping in his sisters room now and all I want to do is scream, or run off a cliff or do something horribly drastic.

I am so depressed. I dread coming home, I stay at work till late on purpose. Pretending like everything is awesome is getting exhausting.

What do I do?

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

geoff — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 17:42:06 GMT

hello Karen, I understand that your from an Indian background, so they have their ways of what happens and where the parents live etc., but basically in a nut shell, it will never work for you, but you have to convince your husband that, but his parents influence maybe too strong for him to even consider that it's affecting you and that this is going to cause to break down once again, unfortunately there is no support for you, as your husband feels as though you're being dramatic, which then means his parents will know and make you feel even worse.
You can't pretend for ever because that's what we all have done, but eventually it becomes exhausting and then your fake face disappears, so you can't keep putting on a brave face, and when this happens his parents are going to be telling you all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't feel this way.
My wife (ex) and I had her mother stay with us, but she always stood up for me in any argument my wife and I had, so she was no trouble, but if it was my parents staying with us, then it would have never worked out, as they would have treated my wife the same way as you are being treated, fortunately it didn't happen.
You are stuck in a hole here, because your husband is not going to change his mind, nor are his parents, so perhaps you have to give your husband an ultimation, his parents and sibling leave or the two of you to some how manage to rent elsewhere, or you will leave him.
You know that this current situation is never going to work, there's no point trying to pretend anymore, something has to be done. Geoff. x

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

pipsy — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 20:25:11 GMT

Hi Karen. I'm inclined to go along completely with Geoff on this one. There appears to be almost an unwritten law where cultural lifestyles indicate several generations share the house. Sometimes it's economically better. My marriage (if you can call it that), went 'belly-up' last year (2015) due to constant in-law interference. My in-laws abused me whenever they felt like it, with my hubby's full co-operation, we weren't living with them, but we may as well have been. My ex was similar to your hubby, in that, to him, his parents behaved normally. As children, we are all raised in different ways, some people are raised believing that parents can say or do anything, to that person, that's the 'norm'. Then we travel/marry, whatever. We meet other people who live differently to how we were raised. Sometimes we start questioning how we were raised. Are we happy with our background, or do we wish we could've been raised as 'joe blow' citizen appears to have been raised. Then we meet our future partner/spouse, who appears to be what we want. We marry, then either live alone together, or we live with in-laws and things start going 'pear-shaped'. If you are unhappy in your lifestyle, you have to be the one to let your spouse know. He needs to know, his lifestyle is not how you want to live. His parents may, to him, be carrying on quite normally, to you, however, privacy is paramount. I too, would give him an ultimatum, either the marriage, or nothing. If his parents mean more (as my in-laws did to my ex), let him have them and them have him. I actually told my ex when I left, that I hoped him and his parents would be 'very happy'. I agree it was a bit sarcastic, but emotionally I was 'over it'.

Lynda

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

White_Rose — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 21:23:32 GMT

Dear G-Karen

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can give you some support in this very difficult situation. I have some understanding of living in a generation house. I come from the UK where it was common family members, who would otherwise live alone, live with their children/siblings/whoever because the single person needed care, could not afford to live alone etc. It worked well because all members of the house were used to this communal living. Your situation is similar except that you have not been accustomed to living with your in-laws in this way.

At the moment it seems like an either/or lifestyle. You and your husband either continue to live with his family, or you both move out. Another solution is that you leave the marriage, but that is a drastic move and should be a last resource. Is it possible that you and your husband set up a separate set of rooms which will give you the privacy you need? If you have your bedroom, own bathroom and a sitting room which no one can enter without your express permission, do you think this will take some pressure off you?

I obviously have no idea of the house size but it may be an acceptable compromise for you and your husband. If your bedroom is the only place you can go to be alone it's hardly surprising you feel trapped and lost. Why not talk about a separate suite of rooms for you. You can eat with the family, which is an opportunity to be sociable, and when you feel like it you can join the family in the communal sitting room. I think knowing you have a private place to relax will take some of the heat out of the situation.

It may take some internal renovation but I suggest this is a start. I understand about the mortgage as these have a habit of impacting in a huge way in our lives. Once the mortgage is under control you can talk about a separate establishment. You also need to think how this household will function if you have children. Babies growing up in a house of love, and I am certain your children will be loved by the in-laws, has lots of benefits. It also has its downside. Maybe you could talk to your husband about this. Where will you put the children. I am presuming you want children.

Please continue to write in here and talk about anything you wish.

Mary

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

G-Karen — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 03:27:31 GMT

Dear Geoff, Pipsy and White Rose,

Thank you for your replies. I feel better just to know that what what I'm going through is hard and not just a figment of my imagination.

Geoff, you are right, it is not going to work for me no matter how hard I try. The only way it can work is if I give up how I feel and give up my hopes and dreams of what a married life was meant to be to me. If i give up and do things their way and just "get over it and be grateful and happy" as everyone in the indian community tells me to. Things will work.... but at the expense of my mental wellbeing. I feel so trapped. Financial stability is important to me, so he puts it back at me saying that this is your choice. you either have financial stability or we struggle pay check to pay check - this is basically my choice in his eyes. And I feel like its not fair. how long till we reach that financial threshold, I don't know. Could be 3 months, 6 months, 3 years. Until then the only thing he keeps repeating is... "try harder. Being miserable is a choice and you are choosing to be miserable." That is his take on it.

I woke up this morning and everything is fine. he is being normal, gave me a hug and said sorry. I helped his mum cook, I haven't cooked anything that I love by myself since I got married. My role is to be his mum's assistant. And do things her way. Once again had to pretend like everything is fine and that i'm quiet just because I have a headache.

My parents freak out if they hear I am upset and my mums advice to me was "try harder", as the family's reputation is at stake. Just help out around the house more. and I just hate it!!! For God's sake, I've been brought up in Australia with independent values. I have a PhD, I am so empowered in my workplace! Then I come home and it's the most disempowering environment.

Lynda, I am sorry to hear about your experience. It sucks that your in-laws had driven you to that. I feel like I cannot issue that ultimatum. I cannot leave him, it will cause too much drama for our families in our community. Although, I have thought about renting a 1bedroom place myself and just getting out. But I want him with me, and that's why I feel so trapped in my mind.

I've spent most of the morning bawling my eyes out. We have a big family get together at my parents house tonight, so i'm prepping myself for the big act of marital and in-law bliss. I feel so lonely and honestly I need help to deal with this.

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

G-Karen — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 03:41:22 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your reply and understanding. I am used to communal living, as I lived with my parents before marriage. But his family, like any other family, is different to mine. They have different dynamics and a different way of doing things. We negotiated to turn the study into our own living area. And that was going great, until my husband set up a desk in his sisters room for me and turned the study into his OWN personal space, saying he needed space from his family. Since we got married, he doesn't have alone time and gets frustrated with his family so wants his own space. But now I should be happy because I have a desk to call my own (omg yay, so thrilling..not). I told him I was upset that he turned that room into his own space, when we had agreed it would be OUR space, to have a couch and tv, and hang out and be able to talk, or entertain a friend, or read a book.

What frustrates me is not having an area for us, where we can decorate and put up our photos... or do whatever WE like. thats what marriage is supposed tone, sharing a life. I just feel like I have to live out of my room. we have no photos up, haven't got any my belongings outside my room and if I do setup a nice decorative piece on a coffee table etc, it finds it way back in my room or in the garage.

When his parents age, we have to live with them and look after after them. I was always ok with that. But not having the space to explore our marriage right now makes me SO resentful of that future. It feels like a life sentence. I can't cook for my husband, pack lunch for him, haven't invited any friends over since the wedding, can't watch tv shows we want to in the lounge, can't wear what I want.

Such is the migrant life. Parents work hard to give us all the opportunities in life that we have in Australia. And in turn, we look after them and financially support them in their old age. We can't escape it. Everything we are today, is because of the sacrifices they made for us... so now it is a constant struggle of wanting independence and feeling guilty all the time.

As for kids, the answer is just no. There is NO way I will have kids without having experienced my own independence first. The pressure is on as I turn 30 next year, but there is NO way I will add the complication of children while living with my in-laws. That would be the ultimate nightmare.

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

pipsy — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 03:56:23 GMT

Hi Karen. The situation you are in is going to continue till you decide to make some choices about how you wish to live. I understand you are bending over backwards trying to be everything everyone wants. But where is 'Karen' in this? Are you 1) wife, 2) DIL, 3) slave? The Western culture differs from the Indian culture because the Western culture teaches the young to make their own life style choices and living alone is the better alternate as the young have to learn to adjust to each other. Your lifestyle is going to remain until you make some changes to suit you better. I respect your wish in trying to 'keep the peace'. But in doing this, you are losing 'you'. Have a talk with hubby and try to get him to see how you feel about wanting your 'space'. Perhaps have a talk with the person who officiated when you were married. If you married here, the person who officiated may have done counseling as preparation for officiating as minister.

Lynda

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Croix — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 04:42:39 GMT

Dear Karen
I greatly sympathize

I was a person that had to choose between my parents and their lifestyle and my future wife. I chose my wife and never regretted it - ever. It made me a responsible human being with more sensitivity and insight. It also brought financial problems – so - we managed

I mention this because it seems to me your husband is going to have to make a similar decision – though as Mary mentioned there might be a half-way compromise

Subordinating yourself in a domestic situation with all downsides and small compensations is, as everyone above seems to have mentioned, not a viable long term deal. An educated woman who has been used to broad horizons trying to cram herself into the small world of others’ expectations is not really possible. Bad for you, bad for any offspring, and ultimately bad for your husband too

While dead easy for me to say, in your position I’d give your husband – the person in life who has committed to care and nurture you – an ultimatum

My very best wishes

Croix

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

White_Rose — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 13:00:49 GMT

Hello Karen

I had a bit of a giggle about your name, G-Karen. I think you have a sense of humour and that has not yet been squashed out of existence. Good for you. It's amazing what a sense of the ridiculous can do for us. It keeps me sane.

But that does not help you in this unhappy situation. I am shocked that your husband can refuse you a place of your own, tell you to make the effort to conform and then remove your own sitting room. He most certainly needs to justify his need for solitude and privacy. Ask him to swop desks with him using the desk in his sister's room. By the way, does his sister sleep in that room or is it vacant. If it's vacant then take it over and make it yours. Even to the extent of putting a lock on the door.

I take it you have pointed out the similarities of his and your situations. What is the difference between his need for space and quiet after working all day and your need after working all day? Or simply sitting in 'his' study with a book or TV and let him get on with his 'work'. I think it's time for some drastic action. I can see no reason for you to be your MIL assistant in the kitchen. Tell her you want to cook for your husband and you are happy to wait until she has finished in the kitchen.

I really believe it's time to stop smiling and agreeing with this set up. I think it would be very hard to dig your heels in and demand your feelings be considered. No good having any more pretence at agreeing with his family. I am sure they are very nice people but you have not been raised to live in that manner. You can hardly blame your in-laws for not recognising you are unhappy if you simply do whatever you are told with a smile. You need to state your needs to the family and set a deadline.

Oh dear, I've just broken my rule of not telling other people what to do. I am sorry but I will leave that sentence in. I think you are being far too nice to everyone, including your husband. Decorate the study with your photos etc and remind him if he complains that you need time away from his family as much as you do and a desk in his sister's room does not qualify as your own space. I think you are going to have to make waves, so to speak, if your marriage is going to survive. Will your husband throw you out of the study?

I want to make an observation about repaying parents. Don't allow this to become emotional blackmail. Parents should never demand their children live their lives according to the dictates of parents.

Mary

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

geoff — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 17:12:59 GMT

hi Karen, there's no arguing here, all of us have pretty well said the some thing in our own words, and know how difficult it must be for, so can I just add another point to consider, you have a PhD a well educated lady, a tribute to yourself, but you have to realise that 'how long till we reach that financial threshold' will never happen, simply because there is not enough money in the world to make anyone happy, sure we think that a million dollars would be great, true, it certainly would, but eventually it won't be enough, so in other words your husband won't be financially happy and so you won't be moving.
The point I want to make is that if you do decide to move out then you will get a centrelink payment, rent assistance and discounts for utilities, car registration plus many other benefits, I'm not suggesting that you do move out because that decision has to come from you, I'm only making point of these facts that may give you some comfort. Geoff. x

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Touille — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 20:47:47 GMT

Dear Karen,

Welcome to the forum.

I dated an Indian girl for 18months who was still living at home. Her parents hardly let her go anywhere, I think why our relationship never worked out is because she was happy to be free and independent at 28 when she finally left home and India.

I completely understand you, any couple need their own space and privacy regardless of background.

Have you thought of moving out temporarily to try any give your husband a message, rent your own place? He should realize than that he must put you first.

Hugs,

Touille

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

white knight — Tue, 27 Dec 2016 06:51:00 GMT

I can't add anything to these amazing replies. Here us a thread you can Google

Topic: in-laws the best approach beyondblue

Tony WK

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Homebound1984 — Thu, 25 May 2017 01:24:12 GMT

I don't know why but I really feel I relate strongly to your post.

3 years ago I decided to move in with bf in the family home (chinese) with the belief it will help me economically till I get a better job. I got a better job but bf didnt want me to move out anymore.

We do have plans to build our own house but I am dying each day that house is not being built

Everyone at home is marvellous and kind and loving - cant complain. But I guess it really is the lack of control that makes me just wanna lock myself up in the room. I am turning into a huge liability. I love being sick cause then I can pretend I am contagious so no one comes near me and I finally have my own peace. But it is very trapping.

This is paralyzing. I buy ready to eat food so I can just eat in the room away from everydbody else. This isnt normal.

I need help.

Homebound1984

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Croix — Thu, 25 May 2017 10:05:48 GMT

Dear Homebound1984~

I see that this is your post number 1, so please feel welcome here in the Forum. As you have already seen many here have tales similar to yours, and the answer is never easy.

You may have read my response to G-Karen in which I mentioned my parents had to be right out of the equation for my wife and I to lead a full and happy life. It sounds to me that you too are in that trap, even if to outward appearances it is "marvelous kind & loving".

Being with your BF and the money side are all well and good, but shutting yourself away is a terrible way to be. Not fair to you, not fair to your BF. You need a home of your own, and if your BF has enough love and common sense he will help make it happen. Having a house of your own is a great ideal - but not at the expense of everything now.

I say everything because I have a suspicion things will not improve and in time the relationship will suffer badly.

Is it possible to tell your BF how you feel, making sure he realizes the deep effect it is having on you? Then discuss alternatives.

While I'm talking to you could I suggest you start a thread of your own, perhaps in Relationship and family issues? Being in this thread is fine, but not many will see you here and thus will not be able to interact with you as a result.

If you have not already done so please also have a look at the general information threads pinned at the start of Welcome and orientation.

All this is nothing to worry about, it's just we would like to see you get the widest number of people offering their experiences, that's what this place is here for.

I look forward to talking with you again

Thanks

Croix

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Asitis — Mon, 06 Nov 2017 06:41:42 GMT

Hi Karen,

I would like to share with you my story and I think i can relate well with your story being from an Indian background, married to someone I love and his parents live with us because of the indian mentality that indian parents ( son's parents) live with their son. They are old have been with him before even though he bought his own home. He obviosully does not mind it because it seem to be his responsibility to look after his parents. However me ( independent, full time working professional) does not seem to be able to adjust with them in the same house. They gave us some space went back to india for few months after our marriage but the thought of them comming back depresses me. I can totally relate to what you say - you dont even have the freedom to express your emotions. My husband understands and tells me that things will be ok but lets see if they really can be ok for me?

How is your situation now? We think of extending out home for some privacy but I dont know...I dont feel it like my " home" with them around, sharing the kitchen and not having enough space to even talk or behave with my husband i normally would. Best wishes, this is a really tuff situation and I somehow try to think positive but cant. I did not go to work today because of this depression and sometimes dont even want to get up from bed. There are times when I think I will put my foot down and tell them I cant do this anymore..

Just holding up for my husband...lets see where it takes me.

Look after yourself. Its really not worth stressing over others, it will only age you. I am thinking of a solution, hope you can too. Would love to hear from you.

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Rimk — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 10:27:50 GMT

Hi Karen

I can relate your myself 100% when I was reading your post. I have recently got married and I am due to have my baby next month. I got pregnant in the same month of marriage and have been going through the roller coaster of emotions throughout the time. This is my 2nd marriage and I have been living independently from 8 years. I adapted Australian culture and now my Inlaws are typical Indians and follows Indian culture strictly. My husband has been supportive most of times but he loves pampering from parents when they treat him like a kid. Infact, his parents want to treat me the same way like they are doing to him. Which is frustrating for me. I crave control, responsibilities. I have taken my own decision whereas now decisions are taken by whole family. Sometimes I am not even the part of it. Btw I have sister in law who lives near us and is the organisers of everything that happens in our house. The only difference between you and me is I can’t hide anger and everything is visible from my expressions. I stop talking to anyone when I get frustrated, I hate doing it but I can’t pretend. I am sure things are going to get even worse after the baby comes because my MIL has shown and will show that I am not being a good mother and is unable to take care of the baby. Sometimes I fail to understand if everybody is really nice around me or are just pretending. Sometimes I feel may be I am in a wrong place. I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I don’t want to leave my husband but also can’t live in the same situation forever

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Croix — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 06:16:47 GMT

Dear Rimk~

Welcome here to the Forum, where you can see you are not alone with this problem. I'd imagine it is pretty common what people have different cultural expectations.

Those 8 years alone will have emphasized your success in being self reliant and shouldering the responsibilities needed to deal wiht your life. To go into an environment where you no longer have those freedoms must seem like you are being treated as a child by others who have assumed the role of 'adult'.

Having a husband still being spoiled by parents is not always a good thing, it makes it hard to leave the nest for one thing, and can even sap the will to do so.

I guess in life every person needs a partner that puts them and their children first, otherwise one can simply end up feeling like an outsider.

So I'd think your husband has a difficult job ahead of him, to prove to you that you - and the child when it arrives - are first in his life. Part of that is getting the rest of his family to tone down their dominating actions.

I'm sure they would have good intent and can think from their own experiences how their methods have worked well in other families, however they are now faced wiht an individual who sees things from a different perspective, and I would think might need to adapt themselves, rather than just expecting others to adapt to them.

Do you think it is possible to have discussions with your MIL & FIL (but maybe not your SIL as yet) abut this? While they may have the best of intentions if they see their actions are driving you away they may be receptive

I'd be glad if you were able to talk more about this

Croix

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

Croix — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 09:32:23 GMT

Dear Rimk

It occurs to me you might like to start your own thread in:

Forums / Multicultural experiences

where there may be others, of varying backgrounds, who can also share their similar experiences of managing family boundaries.

If you are unsure about making a new thread please see:

Forums / Welcome and orientation / The forum FAQ thread

Don't hesitate to sing out if you have difficulties

Thanks

Croix

Living with in-laws and getting depressed

james1 — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 00:05:45 GMT

Hello Rimk,

Welcome to the forums and I'm very glad you found your way here.

You have described really well about your struggles with your husband's family's cultural clash with your own values. I am of Chinese heritage and I also struggle deeply with this. It is very interesting that you talk about them treating him like a kid, because I actually came across that yesterday too. My aunt was like, "she (my sister) will always be your mui mui" which translates as little sister, in kind of a cutesy affectionate way. I dunno. To me, she's a grown 20 year old and it feels patronising to call her that.

Anyway, it certainly sounds like you feel really out of place and that sounds really tough. In my own family, I also don't pretend but I guess I try to just respectfully disagree and walk away from any escalating confrontations. There are things I've had to let go of and miss out on, but I think it has worked out for the best, as we can all still be ourselves, but still co-exist peacefully.

I think it is hard sometimes to deal with the in-laws, but as Croix suggested, if they are open to a proper discussion then maybe that might be a good way to gain better understanding for all of you. But if you are concerned about family integrity, then I think it's worthwhile having a chat to your husband first. What are his thoughts on the situation?

James