topic how do i get help in Relationship and family issues

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 11:10:15 GMT

I have been married for almost 20 years and have 3 beautiful kids. in the past few months i have had a bad run with work and i have been feeling down. i think it is depression but am not sure.

i do not feel like doing anything with my wife and do not have any intimacy feelings and it is is effecting our marriage. i have no idea why i do not feel like it any more. and i have always been a person that bottles up my feelings.

i do not think that i have a good father son relationship with my 15 year old. As i do not feel comfortable talking openly with him, as my parents never talk to us when we were growing up. my wife has complained about the a number of times too. But i find that the kids here are more advanced an knowledgable that i was when i was his age. as i grew up over seas.

i do not want my marriage to end as i think we have a lot to offer the kids together as mum and dad than a broken family

where do i get help from

how do i get help

Fairywings — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 11:46:24 GMT

Hi there and welcome xx glad you have joined us well your def in the right place here we are all her for you. I have suffered with depression all my life. I am a childhood survivor of sexual abuse now 36 and back in my day my parents never spoke to me about stuff either I never really had a relationship with either of my parents as I had developed this hatred towards them when I was going through my worst years no understood and so many times I wished I could have approached my parents about what was happening but two things my cuz gave me death threats if i ever spoke out to anyone and given my parents European mentality they would have been like "NOOOOOOOO he wouldn't have done this to you we know him he is not like that" so for me to deal with that level of ignorance wasn't worth it for me and to this day this level of ignorance is still present in them but i have a bit of a better relationship with them just a little lol xx Firstly if you are concerned with how ur feeling i would def get the courage to go and visit your local GP and have a chat to them they will be able to guide you further in ref to your long term needs. You have us here online 24/7 there is the hotline which is also av to you if you feel you would like to chat to someone xx to me in my experience you are experiencing depression it will make you feel all of these things u r feeling. I want you to start keeping a journal anytime you feel angry distressed sad frustrated bring it all to paper so much for your soul instead of keeping it within, believe me. Take long walks amongst nature it really helps clear brain fog xx I would also get out in the open air with you son and just be kids again do lots of fun stuff together this can and will intern make the opening up part of things a lot easier for both of you It's important for both of you to be able to speak freely with each other and this will show your son he has his father support and guidance no matter what the issue is this feeling is very important for a child bc of all the peer pressure they face as teens xx this part will come just start with the fun stuff first show your son he can trust you and he will come to you freely xx 🙂 and you will feel so much better knowing within yourself that you have given him this . To rekindle things with your wife write each other little love notes works a treat every time. I really hope this has helped please reach out to us anytime we are all here and let us know how you go. Take care Venessa

how do i get help

Dreamwish — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 12:24:22 GMT

Dear Ricardo

Good on you for reaching out to the forum its a pleasure to meet you and I hope to be of some help with what is going on in your life. It is great that you recognize you are feeling down and it is affecting your marriage and relationship with your kids and there is help out there to work through it. Fairywings mentioned some wonderful ideas to start you on the right track. Visiting your gp and opening up about how you are feeling would be my first step, I bottle up my feelings all the time and only share them with my therapist as I can trust her. It's not healthy to do. Find someone you can trust that won't judge you and who will be supportive when you let go and open up. Can you talk about whats going on with your wife and try make her understand? If you are hiding the way you feel she could be taking your lack of intimacy personally and not talking to each other will only make things worse. If things don't go well may I suggest a professional counsellor, it might be easier to get things out in the open with someone there that can hear both sides and help you get to the real issues. This therapy may have a cost though which would need to be considered for your budget. I'm not sure what free counselling might be available for couples. Or you might decide to work on your relationship on your own, up to you. With your 15year old, it's never too late to develop a closer father-son relationship, and yes times have changed a lot and kids these days are growing up so fast and pretending to be adults but all anyone wants is to feel loved and accepted by their parents. Its so damaging when this doesn't happen. If your children have any interests like sports or hobbies or anything like that it might be good to go watch them play the sport or help them out with their hobby. To support the things they are into, that is what I would have wanted from my parents in my teen years. Always be there for them when they want to talk and when they dont want to talk, letting them know they can come to you with any problems and you will listen and help them much as you can will be a great gift to them as they grow into adults. I wish my parents had done that for me. Its wonderful you want a stronger relationship with your son. Let us know how you are going.

dreamwish

how do i get help

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 22:52:24 GMT

Hi Ricardo2,

Thanks for posting.

First of all there are a number of different ways that you can get help; we talk a lot about psychologists here but there's many different people that work in the mental health field or that work in different settings (clinics, community centres, hospitals, etc). So please keep in mind that there is always more options out there to try.

Having said that, if you're looking at talking to someone there are probably two things that come to mind.

1) See a psychologist. This is a session just for you, rather than couples counselling (where your wife might come too). Here you can talk about relationships and intimacy with your wife as well as your relationship with your son, or anything else that comes up.

If you would like to go with this option I suggest you contact your GP for a referral.

2) See a couples counsellor. People often think of a couples counsellor as a last resort but this is not the case; they are simply psychologists with more experience in families and couples. They can work with both you and your wife together. Some sessions maybe just you, or maybe just your wife, or both of you. Ultimately it depends on how you are feeling about this and if you are willing to try this.

If you would like to go with this option I suggest you check out Relationships Australia and then click on your state for further information - https://www.relationships.org.au/

Feel free to post again if you have any questions. I know that it can be a whirlwind trying to find the right resource!

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 05:17:20 GMT

Hi Vanessa

thank you for your reply, am sorry to her your story. you have come a long way since then I guess. I am so glad I joined this group. reading the advice really helps. I have made an appointment with my GP, let see what she says. I know if I tell my wife that I am depressed she is not going to believe me a gain. it is strange as she is in the medical industry and deal with these issues daily. may be that is why I think she knows better. I think keeping a journal might help. I will try that.

Dreamwish, thank you for your comments and it is very helpful. yes when I was growing up my parents never came to see me participating in sport, but it was different overseas where I grew up. my kids play a lot of sport and I do not miss a single game.This might be one of the reasons, as I am full on both days of the weekend with their sport and I do not get any time for myself of for my wife and I. My father never spoke to us when we were growing up, and I feel like i am doing the same to my kids. and I think my 15 year old is going the same way. does not talk much. I think I will have to re think of this hole father son relationship and my relationship with my wife.

thank you to you too romantic_thi3f

how do i get help

Fairywings — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 05:56:28 GMT

Ahh that's ok i am much stronger woman now xx I am happy you have found comfort in this group we r an awesome bunch xx I am happy to hear about your appt with your gp just be yourselfand don't be nervous you will feel better once its all out so to speak. Write to her she can decide what to with that in her own time i think given she sees this on a daily basis working in the profession she may have a heavy heart herself i coming to terms with the fact that someone she loves dearly has also been affected by the illness xx its not something anyone wants their loved ones to go thru xx wishing u all the very best for your appointment do let us know how u go xx take care now venessa

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 11:00:08 GMT

So guys i have taken the first step by writing to her. This is what i had to say. i hope i can work things out.

Darling XXXXXX

It is your Birthday and I know it is not the best way
you would have liked to spend your birthday, and I know it is mostly me that
you are feeling like the way you are. I do not know how to say this, but I have
no idea what has got into me. I know it is mostly to do with the bad run I have
had with work and the time I spend on the road. But this is not all to be
blamed. Yes I have not been talking to you much and yes I have not been
intimate with you, or I have not spent quality time with the kids, especially
XXXXX. These are not because I do
not love you or the kids or anything. It is because I have been so down with my
self and it has come to a point that I have even stoped praying.

Life is too short for us to live like this and we do
not know what will be there for us tomorrow. All I want to tell you is that I can see myself going from
bad to worse, and I need to do something about it, before it is way too late.
And that is why I have taken the step to get help. I know the help I have started
getting is making a difference, as I have taken the first step of writing this
to you. Sorry it had to be in your birthday card.

I truly want us to be the happy us again;
I want to be able to talk to the kids like friends so that they will talk to me
freely. I do not want to have a relationship with XXXX, XXXX and XXX the way I
had with my mum and dad. I do not
want to compare it to anyone but I want it to be unique.

All I want to say darling is that I am so sorry and I will
do my best to change things around. I may not be perfect but I am unique. And I
want that uniqueness to be in a good way.

I love you and the kids very much and I hope I can be
the man you married almost 20 years ago again.

Love you and wishing you a very happy Birthday

Love

XXXXXXX

how do i get help

Dreamwish — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 11:21:29 GMT

Dear Ricardo

Wow your letter brought tears to my eyes its the sweetest thing I've ever read. And its from your heart, gosh you certainly aren't like how your parents were 🙂 You are your own unique self and I'm sure when your wife reads this she will feel the love and sincerity you poured out on the paper. You are trying and doing so much to become the man you want to be (and already are, just need the courage and confidence to believe in yourself).

It all takes time and seeking help will definitely get you on the road to recovery. I wish you well with your appointment with the gp.

Happy birthday to your lovely wife too. Hope you both have a great day.

dreamwish

how do i get help

Fairywings — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 15:09:18 GMT

Just beautiful xx ur words brought a tear to my eye bc i can tell you spoke them from ur heart. Happy birthday to ur beautiful wife by the way what a beautiful family u guys r. Never doubt urself and never stop believing in yourself with the right support u will get thru this. I wish you all the very best and good luck with your gp appt you can do this xx take care of yourself and your beautiful family Venessa

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 02:05:40 GMT

Hi Guy

thank you for your comments and encouragements. I hope my wife will see it the same way you guys have. may be I have let her down a bit too many times. by closing up and not talking to her.

I hope she has a good birthday as she has refused to go out for dinner or let me organize anything for her.

I still love her dearly. and I cannot see a life without her and the kids

how do i get help

16ShadesofBlue — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 02:18:46 GMT

Your letter is perfect. Made me cry too.
I am going through a rough patch with my husband (he is suffering with mental health issues) and a letter like this would have meant the world to me on my last birthday. It may have changed the way we started communicating.
I hope she has a good Birthday (staying in is not all bad!) and I hope that she can see how much you love her want to help her and how much you need her to help you. I hope you find support in each other. Best wishes moving forward. And that is what you are doing. Moving in the right direction!

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 05:30:38 GMT

Sorry my last post was meant to be Hi Guys for the two response I received.

Hi 16shadesofblue am sorry to hear about your Husband. and I hope my wife will see it the same way you are. for some reason I can send text and write stuff to her but I cannot talk to her. I just cannot seam to get to talk. I drive 60km each way to and from work. and that drive makes me depressed and I do not like my job and my new manager. and I was the manager in one organization and after the merger I lost my job as the manager and was given a very junior position. I took it as I didn't want to be without a job. but my new manager has no experience in the industry we are in and he steels all my ideas and takes the credit.

every day on my drive home I keep saying am going to talk to her and explain things but when I get home I freeze. and he is so unhappy and I do not feel like talking to her.

why do we men do not like to communicate with our partners? I hope your husband will get the idea od writing to you one day.

I must say thee messages really do help but unless my wife accept it. it will be all useless.

am sure he is mad with me coz I sent her flowers to work for her birthday as she did not text me and say anything. may be she has not even read the letter.

I do not like this time of the day and it is about the time I have to leave my little unhappy work world to go home and see my unhappy wife:(

how do i get help

SubduedBlues — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 11:28:40 GMT

Hola Ricardo2

Supongo tu habla Español, but let's stick with Inglés so everyone else can understand and participate.

I enjoyed the letter which you wrote, it was very touching. May I suggest that if she hasn't responded that you not endeavour to pry information or response from her regarding it. If your wife is introverted like you seem to be, it is quite possible that she will internalize the letter for sometime and allow it to slowly shape or change her view of your marital situation.

May I suggest something. Something that I recommend to many people who are having marital issues and looking to refind that something between them. Being married it is easy to take each other for granted, but back before we were married, when we were dating, there was hope and promise, and looking to impress each other and make them happy. Thus, I strongly recommend that you find an evening or two, or more if there is time, each month where you date your wife. The whole nine yards. When you go to pick her up to go out, even though it is your home together, instead of walking in, ring the doorbell, be standing on the doorstep with flowers in hand. Be the 16 year old boy hoping for a first kiss.

how do i get help

Ricardo2 — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 01:00:18 GMT

Hi SB

thank you for you comments, and yes I would agree on what you are saying. But when you have a wife that only judge you with the few things you do wrong and not the things that you do wright it is a bit one sided. we have spoken about our issues and I decided to see a Christian counsellor that was recommended to us by another family that where in a similar situation like ours. it was recommended for us to see them separately. I made the time and went and it did help me but my wife went once and not been since. after her first and only visit she told me that it helped her, specially to work on her relationship with our 15 yo son. but then she did not go again. when I brought it up this time, she say that it has not done anything for me so why should she waste her time. she refuses the see the point that I cannot change unless she is willing to change as well.

On the weekend she had another yelling match with our 15yo and the poor boy was sobbing and it came to a point that he yelled and her and said he didn't want her to be his mum anymore. if was heart breaking and I intervened and told him that he needed to go to his room and cool down and then apologise to his mother for speaking like that to her. At one stage she had told him that they will be better off if I moved out, I think that is what pushed him over the edge. After this incident the best thing came out as I reconnected with him and we talked for about 2 hours in his room, that I have not done in all his life.

I let him cry on my shoulder and told him it was ok to cry. we spoke so much and he opened out to me so much I could not believe it and I actually said sorry to him for not talking to him like this in the past. he spoke about his frustrations dealing with mum and how affair it is that she is taking out her anger on him. ( I had to explain to him that mum was anger with me and her sister and that is why she is so unhappy at the moment) we spoke about his school work and he told me what he liked and disliked and his frustration with his sport and just random stuff. I think he loved it and I made him a promise that I will be closer to him and we will work together and told him that there is help and if he needed it to let me know and I will get help for him.

I really need to convince my wife to get help and to lover her expectations on me and the kids.

my son had picked a picture with the words "Happiness is by choice not by Chance" and he was writing about it for school