topic Parenting marriage....... in Relationship and family issues

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 04:32:56 GMT

Hi guys,

Long story but will keep it short. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lives with the ex still. Still married, no relationship, not separated, together under the same roof financially and for the kids. He is FIFO, 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. He pays for the mortgage and the bills. She works fulltime.

I accepted this as i was told the relationship was amicable. Sure doesn't seem that way now.

Every time we make plans she undermines them. When he comes home from up north she tells him her social plans and that's it. If he and I have plans that clash we cancel.....every time. He never stands up to her because he is "scared of her".

He says he loves me and wants a future with me but I am constantly feeling unimportant. I am feisty, he is my polar oposite. In my humbel opinion i think he has depression.

I know the kids are priority and I have never disputed that. But where will I fit in? Am i a mistress? I have asked him these things up front and he denies and makes promises he never keeps. Small ones. The big ones - things are a bit early for those.

Any help is appreciated. Ask any questions as well.

Velv.

Parenting marriage.......

Croix — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 05:27:16 GMT

Dear Velvetfaerie~

I'm sure there are an awful lot of people in the exact same situation. I don't envy you in the slightest. True, it does depend on what you want out of life - do you want to be second fiddle to a person that breaks promises and is too weak to support you against what he alleges to be his ex-wife?

She obviously feels she needs to thwart his and your plans - why?

From what you say you are a convenience, to a person who does not really have your welfare at heart. You have no security and no comeback.

Words are cheap to utter. Promises broken are worse than silence, they are a corrosive to the trust and security that should be expected from any worthwhile relationship.

I think that the fact that you are posting here indicates you really know all this already - and are hoping against hope that someone can pull a rabbit out of a hat and everything will be ok.

How could it be? Even if by some miracle he moved and lived with you full-time, how could you trust him? Would you make up a social calendar to keep him away from his next GF?

Please regard yourself as a worthy person who is entitled to a proper loving relationship

Croix

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 06:01:19 GMT

Fabulous reply and thank you for your time in doing so.

He wanted to talk to me tonight about this stuff. I said no. Maybe tomorrow. I need time to think and I am sick to death of the one doing the jumping and trying to make it work. It takes TWO!

Velv.

Parenting marriage.......

Croix — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 06:44:06 GMT

Dear Velv~

I'm afraid I forgot to mention the following (brain gets tired at times). This may not apply to everyone - I don't have enough experience to judge, though I suspect it does.

It's the fact that sex binds. What I mean is that if you have a sexual relationship with someone it can make you have feelings about that person that are not warranted - the closeness intimacy and pleasure is a potent mix.

I hope this makes sense.

I wish you well

Croix

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 08:07:25 GMT

My brain does the muddle too it's ok 🙂

And yes true re sex.

Thank you so much.

Velv

Parenting marriage.......

Kazzl — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 09:31:27 GMT

Excellent words from Croix, so I'll just add this:

You are worth more than this Chae and you deserve better. First best. Not second.

Big hug to you hun

Kaz

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 10:54:46 GMT

Thank you lovely people

Parenting marriage.......

geoff — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 21:16:38 GMT

hello Velv, this is not a situation you would ever have wanted to be in, a r/ship where the guy goes back to his ex, and probably has promised you everything none of which have come true.
Whether or not he has depression may not be the issue here so much, although it certainly isn't going to help, but if this is so then it is probable that his ex may have caused it, however that could be something he does want to admit to, because it would be more logical to move away from her and then go and live with you.
The only link holding him could be the kids and doesn't want to upset them by leaving, but it would be no different than being away for 2 weeks where he doesn't have any contact unless it's by skype, email or telephone.
What I can see is that somehow she knows what your plans are, and then deliberately change their plans, so keep any plans just between him and yourself.
Can I ask how old his children are. Geoff.

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 22:56:06 GMT

Hey Geoff.

The kids are 14 and 9.

The ex, her 20 year old from another father and the 14 year old all don't like my bf and treat him like dirt. He's a very placid person and tolerates it.

There has been talk of him moving in with me. It's convenient for his dad duties (8 min drive away) etc but he just seems to think we will work without him showing me he wants to keep me.

Parenting marriage.......

geoff — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 01:06:46 GMT

hi Velv, I think he's too scared to make any commitments now or in the future, so it's going to be a battle fighting for him to be with you, but he will never make up his mind, agreeing with his ex to keep the peace and then agreeing with you trying only to appease you.
He maybe someone to love but he's a very confused person, and even if he does decide to live with you then he will feel guilty, so the r/ship is going to be very difficult to maintain.
I'm so sorry but I don't believe this situation will ever make you happy, simply because he is indecisive, so he promises to anyone he is with.
That's something I suppose you never wanted to hear, but I believe you will be hurt much more in the future. Geoff.

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 01:42:14 GMT

Thanks Geoff,

Today is going to suck just like yesterday.

We will be talking on the phone in a little while. I would rather do it face to face but I cry, he cries.

I am really angry that when we first met he told me everything but painted a completely different picture of an amicable relationship with the ex. I would not have bothered at all if I knew then what I do now.

Thanks everyone for everything. You have been wonderful.

Velv.

XX.

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 21:32:25 GMT

Well his situation went to napalm 2 days ago

o.0

Parenting marriage.......

velvetfaerie — Wed, 08 Feb 2017 23:34:42 GMT

So.... He was to visit me Monday night. I was at the Dr getting seen to because of the health problem. Also had a massive anxiety attack as I was going to dump him that night.

His ex was very late home so he couldn't get to my place, (kids). No problems. Then their fight started.

She is moving out. Proceedings are happening. She admitted to him she can't handle him being happy after how the relationship part of the marriage ended.

I admitted to something which has hurt and angered him, (hypocritically I might add), just to add to the poor guys anguish. I feel like dirt.

I suggested we take the rest period, on hold, space thing. He agreed as he needs to regroup and wrap his head around the sudden change of events. He was sad as I suggested we don't talk for a while. He said we will talk again soon. We aren't going to date other people and we haven't ended things. Things still might end I do not know. I hope not.

He admitted to having been depressed for a very long time because after he destroyed the marriage, the ex destroyed his self esteem over the course of the "amicable" 8 year period.

I told him as I said goodbye two days ago I am here for him, for anything he needs, anytime he needs it. That 1.5 hour phone call was full of tears from both of us.

I feel so lost, exhausted, depressed, worried, anxious and my mind is a complete mess etc. I am worried for them all.

I miss him so much as well but I understand to just stay away until he is ready.

(Hope that makes sense. I have only had a couple of hours sleep due to bush fire evacuations too, just to add to it).

Chocolate time.........

Chae