topic Seperating after 20 years of marriage in Relationship and family issues

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 15:50:33 GMT

Hello,

Havebeen with my wife for 20 years,this year was to be our 17th anniversary, we have 2 beautiful children one 19 and the youngest 15, I work away fifo, 11 days on 3 off, I thought we were travelling fine, left home monday afternoon for work, great day excellent morning with the wife before I left, I recieved a phone call tuesday afternoon from a close friend saying he saw the wife going to the airport, I rang her 4btimes no answer, 5th answers lies to me after I asked what she was doing as I could hear her on Bluetooth, she was pick8ng up her mother whomhad flown in from nz, 2 hours later I get a message, I'm sorry, I ask for what, I'm sorry, I finally get through on the phone, I get, I can't do this anymore, I don't know who I am, I can't make any decisions, I love you and care for you but that isn't enough, I fly home jext morning and get the same answers, I love her so much, she works, I call her during the day, I ask whos in the office as I can hear other voices, I know all the staff my wife works with and I ask and ask her to say hello for me, he thinks im not trusting and checking up, now taking my son tomnz with her

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

blondguy — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:01:58 GMT

Hello Trixta

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

Im really sorry that you are going through this, not to mention 17 years of marriage and two wonderful children

From your post your wife is ducking and weaving for sure Trixta.

Did I just correctly that your wife is taking your son to NZ with her?

Im so sorry Trixta. I have been through this interstate business before with my daughter and it was very painful

Here for you

Paul

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:16:44 GMT

Evening blondguy,ducking and waving from what?,

My son has a drug issue, we could not see eye to eye on how we could approach or fix him so to speak, she says she is taking home as she has support from family there, we don't have family with or around us here, also says she needs to sort her self out too, I hope this is not the end for us or am I kidding myself, she is giving up her career of 9 years and has started selling our belongings.

Drew up some paperwork absolving each others debts and incomes, has already terminated the lease on our house, took her wedding ring off yesterday, are we doomed? L

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:37:24 GMT

Hello Paul

I wish it were happier times, what do you mean by ducking and weaving?

my wife has quit her job of 9 years, is selling our possessions and drew up a letter yesterday where we are responsible for our own debts in our names, not able to receive any income from each other, our vehicles to remain our own, my son has developed a drug dependency and my wife has family support base here in oz, she feels she will be better able to help my son and herself to get better in nz, she took her wedding ring off yesterday, I hope really this is not the end

Mick.

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

geoff — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:46:17 GMT

hi Trixta, when marriages last a long time then unfortunately there are so many untold truths which we may know of or not have any idea, so trust can always seem to be questionable.
I was married for 25 years but the last few years were very difficult, because I had been suffering from depression for quite awhile and self medicating on alcohol, so I wasn't told very much at all.
It does seem as though your wife is avoiding the situation and just wants to go to NZ before any discussion can begin, so this is very painful for you because you want some answers from and why she is taking your son to NZ, because uncertainity is even more soul destroying when you can not figure out why.
It seems as though she has been talking with her work mates, and what she has told them could be way out of proportion, but it would be difficult to find out what she has said and once is at a distance then she will speak with you, which isn't being considerate.
Are you able to contact your son via mobile to see how he feels, but I know how upset you must be, because each time my wife took our two sons away without me knowing as it was a shock to find where she was.
I feel so much for you. Geoff.

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:51:20 GMT

geoff said:hi Trixta, when marriages last a long time then unfortunately there are so many untold truths which we may know of or not have any idea, so trust can always seem to be questionable.
I was married for 25 years but the last few years were very difficult, because I had been suffering from depression for quite awhile and self medicating on alcohol, so I wasn't told very much at all.
It does seem as though your wife is avoiding the situation and just wants to go to NZ before any discussion can begin, so this is very painful for you because you want some answers from and why she is taking your son to NZ, because uncertainity is even more soul destroying when you can not figure out why.
It seems as though she has been talking with her work mates, and what she has told them could be way out of proportion, but it would be difficult to find out what she has said and once is at a distance then she will speak with you, which isn't being considerate.
Are you able to contact your son via mobile to see how he feels, but I know how upset you must be, because each time my wife took our two sons away without me knowing as it was a shock to find where she was.
I feel so much for you. Geoff.

Hi geoff

trust is not an issue, I have never cheated and nor has she, i asked to seek professional help here and got a blunt no! I have seen every time she gets her monthly's of late a mood swing, depressed, I am able to contact them once they have moved to nz, she has even said she will stay in contact and give me her new number

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

CMF — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 18:01:35 GMT

Hi Trixta,

Welcome, Im sorry to hear of what you're going through. It sound so sudden and unexpected. You mentioned a mod swing every time she gets her monthly's. it is very likely she is in peri menopause and I can tell you it can be tough. It's no excuse for just taking off but I u de stand the feeling of not knowing who you are and wanting to run away. I'm a single mum of 3 and I am lost, anxious, wanting to give up. Can you speak with her mother and encourage her to talk to your wife? It would be great if she could see a dr, have hormone levels checked and if they are out if wack take steps to have them balanced and perhaps get some counselling. If it is a hormone imbalance it's a tough gig. What does your 19 year old say about this sudden move?

i hope this is of some help to you.

baby steps

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 18:08:20 GMT

Hi baby steps

thank you for your response, I too think this could be early onset of menopause, I will talk to her mother about this, my wife did make an appointment but failed to go due to my son acting up and not being able to leave him on his own, my daughter (19) is gutted about the whole situation,

thank you, it is some help and a glimmer of hope,

Mick.

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

blondguy — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 19:02:39 GMT

Hi Mick

My apologies for the typo....

"Did I just correctly read that your wife is taking your son to NZ with her?"

My Best

Paul

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Thetormentofexistence — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 19:19:20 GMT

HI Trixta,

please remember you are not alone in this.

It Is so hard to know what is going through another persons head no matter how long you have been with them. She sounds very confused to me and may need this time to take care of her mental health and what she needs - (I hope so anyway)

It's so horrible she would leave like this without an explanation, I can only hope she sees what she is doing is wrong for you and your son.

Im not too informed on this but can she take your son to NZ without your permission or is he old enough to make his own decisions? I feel that it would be so hard to be away from your whole family.. they are your life I can imagine.

I hope things work out for the best for you, but please remember it is not the end if it doesn't.. there are a lot of people here for you as well as people in your personal life, get the feelings out, talk about what has happened to you. The best thing about humans is communication and I hope you and your wife can communicate about what you both need instead of her disregarding you. I wish you all the best xx

Seperating after 20 years of marriage

Trixta — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 00:37:12 GMT

Hello all,

I have been previously married where my 1st wife cheated, I grew up in a family where my parents argued, my mother cheated on my father continuously, I guess my insecurity got to much for my wife, she says always asking here where she was what she was doing and who with, she says now this is the main reason we are seperating, I guess I have broken her down and our marriage at the same time, I'm a worker, have worked hard all my life and spent most of our married life working away, I guess I didn't notice what this was doing

I guess I need to know if there is any chance of my wife wanting to be with me again, she has taken her wedding ring off, started selling our belongings, quit her career of nine years, we even signed paperwork where we are responsible for our own debts and incomes where neither of us are to be liable for each other, I feel it is so final, i'm scared of losing her forever, her mother is still here and i feel like the fifth wheel,