topic Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own in Relationship and family issues

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 01:05:47 GMT

I'm 25 and going through a mutal split with a guy I have been with for 2 1/2 years, I live and work in Sydney and all my family and friends are over an hour away. I had always been a very independant person and also a big commitment-phobe and since being in this relationship (he's a lovely guy) I've become dependant on him for everything really! He would always help out financially, emotional support, extremely handy with mechanics or absolutely anything I couldn't do and now I'm faced with moving to a place on my own and the anxiety is getting worse by the day, I'm moving in with family and will make the long daily commute to work every day for about a month I think to have friends and family close by while I process this and get my head straight but then I'll be on my own!

Just hoping to find people that have been through a similar situation.

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Touille — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 05:36:24 GMT

Hi Saphira,

Welcome to the forum

I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup with BF, being in love can be a amazing time, when it ends, anxiety and a broken heart can overwhelm people.

I have been separated from my GF for a year now, I still miss her and suffer from anxiety. The first few months were the worst, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, the pain was excruciating, I didn't want to wake up the next day.

You need to see a GP and counsellor or talk to a BB professional to cope with the anxiety, it does help.

I really feel for you. I learnt that an experience like this makes us wiser and mature to find the right person in the future.

I'm 35 and have traveled a lot and have some good friends and family to support me. I suggest to spend time with your family and friends too.

I was with my GF for 18 months. I know you miss the special relationship you had, but the heart does heal.

I find spending time outdoors helpful.

I hope my message helped you, it's ok to have a good cry too, one day you will meet your Prince Charming who will stay with you for good.

Take Care

Hugs,

Touille.

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

White_Rose — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 07:10:48 GMT

Dear Saphira

Hello and a warm welcome to you. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. It is very hard to leave what you thought was a loving and caring relationship. May I ask what prompted the split? You say it was mutual but here you are in great distress. Does the BF feel the same?

Families are great to be with when you need support. It's a shame you will have such a long commute to work. I imagine the cost of your own place in Sydney will be high. On the other hand the cost of travelling may off set the cost of a home.

Don't be in a hurry to leave home unless there is really not enough room for you. You will need lots of love and nurturing during this time. Take your time and be sure it's the right thing to do. I have frequently been told to listen to my body when I am unsure what to do. It's always been great advice and when I do something contrary to the message my body sends, I inevitably fall down.

Touille has suggested you talk to your GP or a counsellor and that is a good idea if you are experiencing overwhelming grief or anxiety. it is good to talk to someone about how you are feeling to help you work through all the upset. This could be a close friend or family member. It needs to be someone who will listen and not tell you what to do, even if you ask. If can find someone who is OK sitting with you while you cry, talk, explain, get angry, or any of the other emotions that will be great. Or maybe you have several people who will sit with you.

No matter what, be with those who love you until you feel able to face the world by yourself again. I know it will be a hard journey with tears. Sadly we cannot take away another's pain. Having someone to hold your hand, figuratively speaking, is the next best thing. Remember, if the anxiety gets too high a visit to your GP can help.

In the meantime, make yourself as comfortable as possible with your family. Try not to keep rehashing the romance in your head. Much better to talk about it. Another possibility is to write down how you feel, why you left each other, your dreams etc. Not to keep re-reading the notes as this will keep stuck there. Just write and stop when you are ready. Later on you may decide to burn these notes, symbolically closing the door on the relationship. But that's for the future.

Write in again.

Mary

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 19:30:03 GMT

Thank you yes I love 4wding and camping so I think I'll be going away for a weekend once I'm all moved, oh and I have my dogs 🙂

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 20:16:57 GMT

Hi Mary,

There is something I seem to experience while in relationships either to do with the fact that I a bit of a commitment-phobe or linked with my depression I am still unsure (I read a lot and have recently gotten into reading books on psychology to get a better understanding of why I do the things I do) where I seem to lose my sense of self (I understand this is a common thing) and feel trapped or smothered at times, my BF is a fantastic guy, one of the nicest men I have ever met and there is absolutely no issue with the person he is, I have instigated a couple of splits or breaks over the years which he hasn't really understood but gave me the time and support I needed but it has come to the point where I don't think we are getting anywhere, I don't feel the love I should for this amazing man, I recently went to his cousins wedding and I left after the dinner as I was struggling to hold back tears as I feel like I came to the realization that that could never be us together in love like that.

I have been in and out of bad depression ruts and have changed things that I can going from 6 12 hour nightshifts a week to mon-fri day shifts with the same company which has helped my depression but ultimately even with my medications and seeing professionals still hasn't gotten me to the point I want to be at. We had a big chat a couple of weekends ago and he seemed to understand where I was coming from when I explained a few things such as the corny phrase that "You cant love anybody until you love yourself" which at this point I seem to be at my highest point of self loathing I have ever been at (Im a good, kind person but that terrible self loathing keeps knocking on my door!)

So we decided to mutually end it for the benefit of both of our mental wellbeing, he likes to go out to dinner and movies and things like that where as as soon as I get home I hate leaving my little safe haven house, I have zero sex drive from my medications which makes me feel extremely guilty on my part even though he never pressures me. I want him to be happy and he deserves a woman that can do all the fun things that I no longer have any interest in.

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

White_Rose — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 21:31:33 GMT

Hello Saphira

You are a kind and caring person struggling with your perception of yourself as not being worthwhile. I too struggled with this and pushed my BF away in my 20s. I have regretted that decision ever since. I believed I wasn't good enough for him, even though he had never said or did anything to make me believe this. It was all my own insecurity. Why, I have no idea. I suspect this is why I ended up with the man I did. We stayed together for 30 years and had four children. I was unhappy for a long time until I finally found the courage to leave 16 years ago.

Since I set up my own home my self confidence grown amazingly and with it my self belief. There are many reasons for this, such as realising I could manage a house without being constantly told how lazy I was. Managing my finances, maybe not as well as the ex but not getting into debt. Freedom to pursue my own creativity and being confident that my choices of music etc were perfectly valid.

I owe this to the people I met here in my new location, my fabulous GP who has always supported me, my work colleagues who took it for granted I was good at my job (and that is so self affirming), My faith which has deepened here in this nurturing place. It has taken years of hard work, tears and tantrums, a descent into the pit of depression and an attempted suicide.

The change ultimately came from me. Others can only show us the way and give us support. So how are you going to reach this point? Well, a good start is to look at your physical health. Is there anything there that hampers you, stops you doing those things you would like to do? Moving to your psychological health, how well does your medication help or hinder you? For many years I was prescribed SSRI antidepressants. One medication interacted very badly on two occasions with different other meds. I now take a Tricyclic medication and that has been a huge game changer. Is this worth a discussion with your prescribing doctor?

Like you I read many books on psychology in an attempt to work out who and what I am. I know I am still a work in progress and probably will be until I die. This is not to say I spend all my time in self improvement. I choose what I do knowing my limits, and when I make a poor decision my GP will smile and help me up again. I have listened to those people I trust and their views on my character. And I accept that I am a worthwhile person.

Out of word limit so will write more when you have read & digested this.

Mary

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Sat, 08 Jul 2017 10:58:58 GMT

Hi Mary,

Very late reply I know!

I'm now being treated for bipolar type 2 which makes sense why my previous meds haven't been working for me. I mistook my up moods for feeling normal (even though I generally felt that excited that I was uncomfortable and frustrated) I'm on mood stabilizers which have completely eradicated my uppers but haven't yet done anything for my downers which are far worse. I'm now living on my own with my dogs but not have the financial burden that comes with renting on your own. It's so exhausting trying to make myself better and I can never keep the "Is it even really worth it?" Thoughts away for long.

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

White_Rose — Sat, 08 Jul 2017 12:08:56 GMT

Hello Saphira

Welcome back. It's good to hear from you again.

Can I clarify something? Are you still living with your family? I know that meant a long commute to work but probably worthwhile to have the support of your family.

Learning that you have Bipolar 2 must have been a shock and one that I imagine takes a while to assimilate.

There is a thread on the forum called This Bipolar Life. You can find it in the Long Term forum, the last one on the list. It was started by someone who discovered last year that she had Bipolar 2 and was finding things like medication a challenge. It's a long thread but I do suggest you read the first posts, perhaps a page or so and then skip to the end and join in the conversation. Reading about someone who has struggled with the same difficulty you are facing can be very helpful.

I understand that adjusting to life with bipolar can be hard and very exhausting. It is tempting to go down the dark road at times and wonder if it is all worthwhile. Do you have any ways of changing your thinking at times like this? Perhaps you can discuss this with (presumably) your psychiatrist. It is important to make preparations for these hard times by setting up alternate activities, the more physical the better. Nothing like clearing out a bed of weeds in the garden.

Beyond Blue have an app called Beyond Now which you can download. It is a safety planning tool where you can write down your warning signs, who to call, what to do when things get a bit hot etc. Scroll down to the bottom of the page under Get Support and read about it. I have it downloaded to my phone where I can check up on myself if I feel I am sliding downhill.

I hope you will continue to post here. Several others on the forum also have bipolar and will probably post here.

Mary

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Just Sara — Sun, 09 Jul 2017 03:02:59 GMT

Hi Saphira;

I don't have BP but understand where you're coming from; especially with finding the right med's to suit your needs.

I had a massive breakdown in Sept 2014 where overwhelming anxiety frightened me silly. I was placed on an AD but it didn't touch the sides. It was a few months later when I was beyond redemption, I pleaded for something more effective. She gave me an anti anxiety which helped and set me on a path to recovery.

I'm sorry the Mood Stabilizer took away high feelings; it must be difficult to deal with. By reading your post though, you do still seem quite positive. Am I right?

I'm trying to learn about BP as our members often ask questions or make comments I'm not sure about. I guess this would be a good reason for you to contribute to the thread Mary suggested; 'This Bipolar Life'. By putting our story on there, others reading might get something out of it and be encouraged to join in.

I hope your weekend went well, would love to hear about it.

Sara

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Sun, 09 Jul 2017 07:45:20 GMT

Hi Sara,

I would say I'm at an all time low, but I guess it's the same online for me as real life where people will ask how I am and I just kind of sigh and say 'ahh you know, I'm still plodding along' but inside I'm falling apart. I generally only think of these forums when I get so low and don't know what else to do.

I will definitely check the thread out now as I would love to chat to others to find possible similarities in the things I do but can't explain (Mainly I'm great at sabotaging relationships and dissapointing friends) and perhaps I can help others with some other little quirks that I have come to understand and find ways to manage them.

My weekend I would say was good and productive from the outside but I've been on a downer the whole. BUT I made it out of bed got dressed did what I had to do (due to the anxiety I would face from Sunday night coming around with nothing done!)

Thank you for your reply 🙂

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Sun, 09 Jul 2017 07:55:46 GMT

Hi Mary,

No longer with family, I moved into free accommodation at work in December and finally moved out last week. I was made redundant in my position that I loved and struggled with that and finding another job in the area and a place to live. My accommodation is half my weekly pay so I'm trying very hard to budget and still pay bills plus also in the process of advertising my spare room for rent so hopefully will find someone I will get along with and have some company. I don't have friends or family in the area except for a guy I have been seeing over the last few months (whose mother is a psychologist funnily enough!) He is a lovely sweet young man although he doesn't understand what I go through and can't possibly lay it all on him. We have had chats about how I feel but I generally just say 'I'm not feeling well in the head at the moment'

I have to admit that the he was one of the reasons I didn't move straight back to friends or family was because of him. The other being a have a overwhelming feeling like I have failed if I move back to my old suburb which all my friends and family have told me isn't true. I feel like I need to grow up as a person and be able to make it on my own but just don't think I'm mentally strong enough at the moment.

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Sun, 09 Jul 2017 08:06:06 GMT

Also I had two people close to me suggesting that I have bipolar. I ignored it and looked into it. So by the time I actually went to the ridiculously expensive psychiatrist it wasn't a shock at all and made perfect sense

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

White_Rose — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 06:39:22 GMT

Hello Saphira

Quite a lot has happened since you first posted on this forum. I can understand how moving back home may appear to be a failure and that's hard to bear. I think you know it's not really true but you want to prove how well you can manage. Nothing wrong with that unless you put yourself at risk doing it.

A boyfriend! Congratulations. That does demonstrate you are not a useless person if someone wants to spend time with you. I hope it all goes well.

How is the job hunting going? Such a pity you could not continue with the work you enjoyed. Is it possible to get a similar job elsewhere?

Keep writing in here. We love to be kept up to date.

Mary

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

Saphira — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 14:41:14 GMT

Hi Mary,

Yes a boyfriend! And he is so so lovely and such a hard worker (works in construction in the Sydney city doing 12+ hour days) I feel bad putting my issues on him but I do need an outlet for what I deal with. He is all for listening but as soon as he gets home he is thinking of bed and 5 years younger than myself (he's 21) I'm concerned about overburdening him.

There isn't anything similar to what I was doing back on the Central Coast where I am from. At least not the scale I am used to.

Thank you so much for your replies, they have gotten me through the week.

How are you, are you on here to give advice or do you yourself need someone to talk to as desperately as I do? I would love to help in anyway I can, even if it is just to listen. These forums are such a great idea.

All the best

Saphira

Going through a mutual breakup and constant anxiety about living on my own

White_Rose — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 22:17:47 GMT

Hello Saphira

When I first joined the Beyond Blue forums I was just as you and many others are, needing help and support. I found that 'talking' to people on other threads helped me hugely because I was giving myself advice and suggestions and these were reinforced by the replies I received. Win/win.

I was invited to be a Community Champion later on and you cannot imagine how thrilled and honoured I was to be invited to take on this role. At the same time my personal life was looking up, depression having less of a hold on me. Much of this I credit BB with and the people who posted to me. So affirming to know others struggled as much as I did.

I no longer have a thread of my own. It doesn't mean I have no more problems (I wish). In general I find it easier to manage and I have a fantastic support network around me. Every now and then I fall over, so to speak and write about myself and ask for help. The people on this forum are so wonderfully generous with their time and support.

For the past few months I have been trying to cope with having Fibromyalgia. It's painful and doesn't care which part of my body it attacks. For the past few days it has been my wrists and hands making it difficult to post here. When these sorts of things happen I take a bit of a rest and answer posts when I can. There are many other champs around who pick up slack. It's a great system.

Yes I sometimes need to blurt out all my woes and I often do this. Hang around, I'm sure I will be talking about these. In the meantime, why not browse the different forums and start talking to some the people who post in.

Mary