topic Loneliest at Christmas in Relationship and family issues

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 01:12:44 GMT

I am trying to find support groups in the Mornington Pensinsula that would be enable me to start meeting people who are like me. I do have family living quite close by, but over the years, with the death of both of my parents, not maintaining contact etc. I feel like a 50 year old orphin. I have one child, who is now 30 and has moved back with me for a short while to finish his studies. I pay 3/4 of rent and bills. I organised a Christmas lunch for both of us, relieved that I had him to spend Christmas with. He has just let me know that we are to take separate cars on the day as after our lunch he is heading off with his friends for the next few days. This has really hurt me, the lateness in changing plans is going to leave me totally alone on Christmas night, something I was trying to avoid. I can't reach out to acquaintances and other family members because it is so embarrassing to admit that I'm lonely. This feeling of loneliness has been with me since I arrived back in Victoria after leaving my relationship in Queensland, where I lived for 7 years. I have tried but I've found it so hard to make new friends, as most people have an established friendship group or bigger families they spend their time with. I work full time and I am now beginning my holidays and without the social contact of work I feel it is going to be very lonely. I miss not being able to talk through things with others and get some feedback and support. The more time I spend alone, the harder it is to do activities on my own that create opportunities to meet people as I think that I begin to develop slight social anxiety. I am unable to get a pet for company as I currently rent and it is not approved. The last couple of days I have been feeling quite hopeless and tired. I just have no interest in things. I know without action my situation wont change but I'm a bit lost as to the best place to begin. I am currently not speaking with my son and I'm unsure whether I will attend on Christmas. I don't fancy driving back from the city alone on Christmas day. I know I am not alone feeling worse and Christmas. I would appreciate the comments of others who may be able to understand where I'm at.

Loneliest at Christmas

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 01:37:23 GMT

Hi Ness#,

Welcome to the forums.

There are many people who share the feeling of being lonely, especially around Christmas time. I hope that you'll find the chance to look around and see other posts that you can join in on.

I've just done a quick search in your area and hopefully the links can pop-up. If you have trouble accessing them you can search "support groups mornington peninsula" or contact your local council/community health centre.

https://www.meetup.com/cities/au/mornington/

http://www.peninsulahealth.org.au/services/peninsula-health-community-health/mornington/ (They list support groups as part of their services and may be worth contacting)

Hope this helps

Loneliest at Christmas

blondguy — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 01:38:16 GMT

Hi Ness

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to post

You have come to the right place. We even have a thread called 'Christmas struggles' that you can post on too if you wish. I have the same problem where Christmas is concerned...ugh!

Im sorry about your son doing a disappearing act by taking separate cars. That wouldnt help. I have a 23 year old daughter that is rebelling against the world and despises Christmas. Im trying to remain somewhat positive and not have high expectations on the 25th.

I am near the location you mentioned and even though I used to have acute anxiety it has morphed into a social type of anxiety which is a pain. There must be a support group on the peninsula. I have no knowledge of one.

The Mornington Peninsula Shire offices in Mornington may have some info though

I have been a volunteer on here since January this year as have depression on and off and needed a place to talk with others as well as trying to help others that dont have the knowledge I have on anxiety/depression etc.

Feeling alone/isolated and fatigued is more common than you know...

There are many very kind people just like yourself on the forums that can be here for you 🙂

you are not in any way alone Ness

It would be great if you could stick around the forums 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

* Another Christmas thread here is Christmas2016 Chillout Lounge

Loneliest at Christmas

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 01:39:30 GMT

Hi Ness#,

Also just thought that I should mention that these links are just from a Google search; I haven't used or accessed these services before so not sure how helpful they will be.

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 02:10:38 GMT

Thanks for replying to my post. I will look into that thread. It is a full-time job thinking of ways to connect with others and harder this time of year. I'm really trying not to let myself get down further. The increased social discomfort at times does pose an extra challenge. Being acknowledged and listened to and understood does help, knowing that you are not alone and that there is nothing 'strange' about your situation eases the stress. I will continue to interact with others on this site, I can be honest about how I feel instead of pretending to have it all together and feel like at least right now, there is somewhere to reach out to. When people ask me what I am doing on the holidays I just reply casually, 'Spending time with family an friends', I should add (I wish). It seems that everyone around me at the moment is looking forward to that and I want to feel like everyone else. Thank you for sharing some of your own challenges, I am also now adjusting my expectations for Christmas Day.

Loneliest at Christmas

blondguy — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 08:58:12 GMT

Hi Ness, and thanks for replying too 🙂

It can be really hard this time of year. I just heard Jeff Kennett on 3AW say that "loneliness at Christmas effects tens of thousands of people" You probably know anyway that he is the chairman of Beyond Blue and doesnt get paid for doing it so good on him.

I just thought that was spot on when he said that just after 4pm today. (and good him for saying the truth)

I still have heaps of people ask me what I am doing for Christmas (which is kind and caring) and I still answer 'just a quiet one'..The social discomfort is a pain but still just 'stigma' in reality. Just for me my health is paramount, the social pain can take a back seat 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 11:34:38 GMT

Yes, all lonely people who don't let others know because of the stigma, self perpetuating situation really. I moved states and it's been very hard breaking into a regular social group. I have had a terrible couple of days. No energy. Yes, it's great that Jeff Kennett publicly acknowledges how difficult it is for many people at Christmas. There are so many different reasons why people feel lonely at different times in their lives. Thanks for letting me know. Planning for how I am going to get through Christmas afternoon the best way I can.

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 09:31:18 GMT

I set three goals yesterday for today. All of which I have completed. For tomorrow, I have set another three goals. I will complete those I suspect. That's all I'm doing right now and it's helping.

Loneliest at Christmas

blondguy — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 23:38:51 GMT

Hey Ness

Good idea with the goals...I must remember to do same...smart move!

I have a huge Chow cross German Shepherd...I think I may give him a meat pie and some prawns for his Christmas lunch tomorrow. I have a huge beautiful fake pine christmas tree but is so big I deliberately put up a tiny 12" mini tree on my entertainment system....

Just lowering my expectations 🙂

I hope your fatigue is losing some its grip Ness.

be gentle with yourself, Paul

Loneliest at Christmas

Croix — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 00:07:17 GMT

Dear Ness#~

I can relate to your predicament, as does everyone else here in this thread. I'm nor really wise enough to add much to what they have said though I did have a couple of thoughts if you didn't mind.

Firstly is there one friend or member of extended family with whom you could share time, someone you considered generous of spirit? If so might it be worth taking them at least partly into you confidence? "Things did not work out -I don't want to talk about it" may well be all you need to say.

If a friend approach me in such a situation I'd feel for them, think no less of them, and delight in reaching out. The warmth of human face-to-face contact is a balm as is giving.

Secondly a couple of threads on this site have been mentioned to you. They are inhabited by and large by people in the same situation, some with greater ongoing problems than others. Approaching those threads with the idea, when appropriate, of lending your strength, perhaps with humor, perhaps with relating experiences, perhaps with - well I don't know, your strengths are different from mine.

Thirdly do any of the charities in your area (St V's etc) need a hand?

I wish you peace and surprising happiness this season

Croix

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 07:56:34 GMT

Good move with the Christmas tree:) Keep it real. Watching a funny movie. They have been on back to back in the background, I haven't just sat all day. Nothing about Christmas! I hope your daughter surprises you tomorrow.

Did some things today, moving around helps.

Better than a few days ago...thank you. Hope you have a reasonable day tomorrow.

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 08:12:07 GMT

Croix,

thank you for your comments, much appreciated. I am using some of the time I have to work out what I need to do to change my situation and how I am feeling about it. Christmas is pretty confronting in showing you just where you have put your energies into. There are many factors over the past couple of years as to why I am at the point I am, like most other people I would imagine. I will continue to communicate with others on here and hopefully say something useful to someone lol I was taught as a child that weakness and neediness was not O.K., so I guess I find it hard to reach out for fear that I appear in this way. Thank you for your help

Loneliest at Christmas

blondguy — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 10:09:41 GMT

Hey Ness

Thanks for understanding that I put up a mini tree thats actually hard to see 🙂

You have great courage and inner strength by reaching out......and good on you!

I was hesitant like you wouldnt believe when I started posting (actually didnt have the guts you have by creating my own thread lol)

The people on the forums are just like us Ness 🙂 Really happy that you are here during Christmas..

Thanks too for the positive wishes re my daughter...Very much appreciated

and well done today too with using gentle occupation and having some time for yourself

you are definitely not alone here Ness

Paul

Loneliest at Christmas

Ness_ — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 11:19:51 GMT

Hi Paul,

well the tears did flow about an hour ago, but I feel better now. My son text me to say he has changed his plans and can now spend Christmas (day) with me. He thought about what I said...that Christmas is family time. I never see him other than that. He went through a tough period recently and I was totally there for him. So hurt that he has put me through misery for the past few days that I did not accept it. I told him to keep with his original plans. I feel unforgiving but I do not want to spend time with him if it is under sufferance and the way I feel now, I will be working hard to put together a smile on Christmas day. I completely know I have so much to be grateful for compared to some others, but like any depression, it's hard to see past your own pain. Thank you for your positive message and you are not alone with having to absorb everything as a parent. I don't think that we are allowed to ever break or show human needs lol. My Christmas tree was just put up today and really hard to do. I just flung some tinsel and ball balls on. No interest or energy for the tree either!

Ahhh,, I knew I was going to be up and down for the next few days.

Loneliest at Christmas

Croix — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 12:42:55 GMT

Dear Ness#

As you know I have been following your posts with sympathy. I'd like your forgiveness for being presumptuous and saying I feel you have made a mistake.

I know that I'm not familiar with all the facts. That being said if it was me I'd be back on to my son for a couple of reasons.

Firstly if he has thought about what you said and made an offer as a result it should be encouraged. Things said and done now last for a long time. If he learns his father can be hasty it will surely do no lasting harm.

Secondly it would most probably do you (and him) good to spend the time together, and reinforce your relationship with him as well

Either way I wish you the best

Croix (whose son has regarded him as downright silly in the past)

Loneliest at Christmas

TiredDownOut — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 01:17:54 GMT

Dear Ness#

I've only started reading this thread today and just want to give you a shout-out - I hope that you are travelling okay today and that you are relaxing and enjoying time with your son. The day will soon be over. I've always found this time of year difficult since I was a child. This year I have to share my only child with her boyfriend today and it's tough! Just waiting for them to arrive for lunch.

Also sharing today with my husband who in the new year is going interstate to work, and my cantankerous 82 y.o. mother who I reluctantly invited to come away with us for a few days because I knew how guilty i would feel if I didn't! Unfortunately my mother is the source of many unpleasant Christmas childhood memories. The things we do to ourselves to keep others happy!

I hope that today turns out much better than you thought it would. I think the build up to Christmas is a lot like a whistling kettle. It will soon be over for another year.

Sending happy thoughts your way, take care.

Juls xx