topic Crush on good friends husband in Relationship and family issues

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 20:20:02 GMT

Hi all

I have been married 9 years however have had a huge crush on a married person for 7 years. I still love my husband and have not cheated on him.

I don't if I developed this crush because I can't have children naturally and we have finished the ivf path. I feel gu

I am good friends with my crush 's wife however yesterday she told me that my crush is interested in someone else and it is not me.

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 20:30:02 GMT

Hi I have continued with my post

i feel really angry, sad, confused and don't know what to do as I have suspected that my crush was a little interested in this other person. These friends also can't have children.

I still want to remain friends with both of these people because I know they don't have a great support network.

any help and how I can feel better in this mess would be great. I have written a poem about my crush however this makes me sad because it's not about my husband.

Thanks

Crush on good friends husband

Lost_Girl — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 22:02:34 GMT

Hi Sandy centre,

Welcome to the BB forums.

When people get married it is never expected that you won't ever be attracted to other people. However it is expected that you don't act on those feelings because you have made a promise and commitment not to.

When the attraction is to a good friends partner it is hard because it is likely you will see him often. The fact he is looking elsewhere is indicative of the breakdown of their relationship not yours.

My suggestions are:

Support your good friend, the wife, her marriage is breaking down and she has been cheated on. She needs your support.
Do not support the husband, your crush. It is healthy to have fantasies and crushes but not to act on them while married. He is seeing someone else and can support himself. He made that choice.
Consider what is wrong with your relationship with your hubby. IVF can be very stressful and put a lot of strain on a marriage. It can also take the spark out of the sexual relationship. This is quite common. Try and focus on your relationship rather than your crush. Do things with hubby that have made you happy in the past or try something new and exciting with hubby. You can also look at marriage counseling, perhaps there are ones who are experienced with IVF strain on marriage.
Poems and writing are good ways to deal with emotions and feelings. Writing doesn't hurt anyone as long as you keep it private to your eyes only. You say you feel sad because it is not about hubby. Perhaps write what you feel about the crush and then once you have all your feelings down start writing about hubby. The counseling may help you find that spark back with hubby. You could write some fantasy situations with hubby to try and help your imagination refocus.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 13:08:08 GMT

Hi Carol

Thanks for your help. I spoke to my crush's wife today and I am really confused what to do.

She told me that she has contacted this girl that my crush is interested in and told her to back off. I am not sure if this is going to help the situation. I am also concerned now that she has told me that my crush has pictures of girls on his phone. I keep wondering did he ever have me on there.

I am still really confused, angry and feel guilty because I don't know what to do and how to handle the situation. I think i am also really scared when I will next have to see him.

I wish i could erase all of the compliments that he used to tell me like how nice i looked and even told me at a party that i looked beautiful. The most recent one has been about how much he loves my perfume when I see him which is not that often. i still feel guilty because I still remember the day I met him and I was like a teenager and I had butterflies in the stomach. I didn't have butterflies in the stomach when I met my husband.

i guess my guilt and anger is also that this year on New Year's Eve I rang him when I was a bit drunk and wished him Happy New Year!!! Thankfully I have not done anything stupid and I still love my husband

any other suggestions would be great

thanks sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

white knight — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 17:36:34 GMT

Hi Sylvia

Call me old fashioned but I feel sorry for your husband because feeling tempted now will mean one day you'll jump the promised boundaries.

I read once an article from a psychiatrist that he was attracted to one of his patients. However, this was normal but, he never considered taking it further for many reasons.

Restraint due to inappropriateness.

Tony WK

Crush on good friends husband

geoff — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 18:55:38 GMT

hi Sylvia, you're in a bit of an awkward situation where you lose in one way or the other, but it is true as Carol says that we will always be attracted to other people, this goes without any doubt, always has and always will happen, however if you do have an affair with him, then two marriages would break down and you're not even sure that a relationship is ever going to last.
If this chap has a crush on someone else rather than you it will upset you considerably and could make your present marriage to become quite difficult without your husband knowing why.
When this chap's wife tells this other lady who he is interested in to back off, this will only make it to more tempting for her to see how far she can go and see how exciting it becomes.
I wonder why the husband wants to be interested in other women, firstly you and then this other girl, because it's not going to stop here, there will be other ladies he will be interested in, so the possibility of him having an affair is most likely, which will then break up this marriage and any trust will be broken.
The only solution is to avoid seeing him, and if you want to stay connected with his wife you will have this continual thought of 'what if', so I wouldn't see either and try and work on what is missing in your marriage, sorry. Geoff. x

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 21:48:59 GMT

Hi Tony

Thank you very much for advice. I really appreciate it.

Sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 22:01:07 GMT

Dear Geoff

Thank you very much for your efforts and advice and putting my ridiculous situation into perspective.

It has definitely given me some clearer ideas and hope. I think it will take time however by focussing on my husband who is a good man will make a difference.

Thank you

Sylvia

Rega

Crush on good friends husband

Doolhof — Mon, 26 Sep 2016 22:31:44 GMT

Hi Sylvia,

Compliments do wonderful things for our self esteem and well being don't they! Like White Knight mentioned, it is normal to be attracted to other people, the thing is to look and not touch if you want to show respect to your partner and even to the partner of the person you have a crush on.

My suggestion is that you start to make a list of things you would like to do yourself and most importantly with your husband. Your husband might not want to join in, so don't nag him, just make suggestions of things you would like to do together.

I made a list of places I would like to go with my husband and different things we could do to make our lives a bit more interesting. He didn't join in with many options, but I had a good time myself fulfilling a lot of what I had written down.

Sometimes we need to find the happiness and contentment within us.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 08:19:18 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools

Thank you for your advice.

Just wondering as I am feeling really scared, upset and angry about the next time that I may have to see my crush any advice about how to deal with this situation?

His wife doesn't want me to let him know that i know what is going on.

Any help would be great.

Thanks Sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

Doolhof — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 23:18:22 GMT

Hi Sylvia,

I can well imagine you may feel a little confused and have mixed emotions when you next see this guy. If it was me in your situation, I would try to make sure I am not left alone with this guy.

Be polite, chat, try to keep your thoughts on yourself, your husband and the wife of this guy. If the wife doesn't want you to tell about all you know, I guess she has her reasons for it. Must be tough on her to know what her husband is doing.

If this guy compliments you, then thanks him and don't encourage anything more. As he already has other females he is interested in it makes me wonder how strong and meaningful his relationships actually are.

Most importantly, if I was in your shoes, I might look and have longings, but try really hard not to touch, to not dream of what might have been with him, and to realise he is not mine to have.

You may well grieve for something you had hoped for but never had. Sometimes in relationships we want more, it is not always a good thing to look for it outside of a relationship or marriage.

Hope some of this rambling makes sense!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 09:17:36 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools

Thank you for your help. I am still really scared about the next time that I see my crush and what I am concerned about is that he may not be very nice to me? I am going to seek some advice when I get back from my holidays about the what ifs that I constantly think about and also the constant worry that I have most of the time about what other people think.

Do you have any suggestions about how I should handle this situation if he is not particularly nice to me? Or should I just walk away? Sorry for my ridiculous thoughts

i understand if you don't want to reply.

Thanks Sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

geoff — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 20:09:49 GMT

dear Sylvia, I'm sure that this would a horrifying thought for you, but to me his is a man on a mission to be the most friendly person to all ladies that he can be, as his quest for impressing a lady is what he will always do, I'm sorry but you won't be the last female he has left behind, there will be a string of lonely ladies, but I expect that he will say hello to you and ask how are you and then move on, you have to remember that he is a casanova of women and has no respect for how these ladies are generally feeling, at first he will seem to be just so he can trap you.
If however he is not nice to you, then ask him how many other females he has done this to, because eventually he will be caught out by a husband who doesn't like the way he tempted his wife away, that's how I would feel, and when I suspected that she was seeing someone else, I only wanted to know who it was. Geoff. x

Crush on good friends husband

Doolhof — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 21:47:56 GMT

Hi Sylvia,

Your thoughts are not ridiculous. It sounds like you have loved this guy from a distance for a long time. It is hard to let go of someone or something. I am sure we all understand that.

I tend to agree with Geoff. This guy you have a crush on seems to be able to bring women in to his life. He may keep flirting with you, or he may ignore you.

If he does become negative and verbal, then yes, I suggest you just walk away from him and tell yourself that you are a lovely person and you deserve to have peace on the inside.

Heading off track now, I live close tot he Barossa Valley in S.A. We were without power for about 15 hours. Some places still don't have power! We are not sure if the power will stay on or not! It is amazing how much we rely on electricity to do just about everything. Even the mobile phone towers had no power!

My replies might be spasmodic. We have a bit to clean up here! Nothing at all serious thankfully!

I'm sure we had a thread here somewhere on Self Esteem. I will see if I can find it and start it up again soon. That is something I lack. I often wonder what people think of me then other days I just don't care all that much.

Hope you are safe from all these storms!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 05:03:08 GMT

Dear Mrs Dools

I appreciate your help. I hope everything is ok in the plight of these terrible storms.

I am still quite worried how I will be when I next see this man however you are definitely helping me put this into perspective. I just can't stop feeling so guilty and angry. In some ways I now wish that we never met. I am also anxious because we work in the same industry and we both know a lot of the same people. Anyway I will keep trying to put things into perspective and also try and keep working on my husband to talk to me about not having children

Thanks again Sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

Apollo_Black — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 05:41:28 GMT

Hi there

you mentioned trying to have kids and going through IVF but you didn't elaborate. This appears to be significant, what's the deal with that and how is hat sitting between you and your husband??

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Sat, 01 Oct 2016 05:26:40 GMT

Hello Apollo Black

Thanks for helping.

Basically my husband and I were on the IVF roller coaster ride for 7 years and we did our last cycle a year ago. We are both interested in adoption however I really want to have another round and my husband doesn't. I am not worried about adoption however I just don't know about how i will cope with waiting. I don't like the fact that I seem to be making myself more busy with my job so i am avoiding the issues.

It is also not helping the fact that I am 42 and will be 43 in 5 months. Both my husband and I have reasons why we can't produce children. I would be more than happy to use donors to help us. We just don't want to go into a surrogacy situation. I get It is also not helping that my crush can have kids but his wife can't and she is almost 50.

Any suggestions or advice would be great

Thanks Sylvia

Crush on good friends husband

Apollo_Black — Sat, 01 Oct 2016 11:52:00 GMT

Hi Sylvia

So potentially 7 cycles of IVF? I'm not at all familiar with IVF and of course your reasons are personal to you both. I could and would never give any advice around this mainly because you wouldn't listen to whatever I said anyway. If you really want to persue this you will. You obviously are aware of the risks with increasing age however it's not an impossibility.

the thing I was getting at is that what I was wondering was that your "crush's" sperm was viable and your husband's wasn't - hence might be a motivating factor for you. It sounds more complicated than that.

have you had any counselling around this. I'm wondering if the fertility clinic should have provided you with this given your mulitple attempts.

This is such a touchy topic - I think I my own mind if I was with someone and we couldn't conceive. I would look at adoption. If I couldn't wait I would look at foster parenting. If anything I would be diverting a lot of wasted energy into such a good cause and of course gain valuable experience in parenting.

You seem to be so focused on this "crush" of yours. But is this a distraction from something much more painful in your life - the need for a child? You're wanting direction and advice. I would really suggest some counseling if you haven't had it already, at least for yourself in the interim and maybe to include your husband who may or may not feel deeply inadequate that he too hasn't been able to have a child. How is he going in all of this? Does he know how you feel? Is he trying to be present with you? It is he too distracted with other things? What are these reasons you speak of?

if you have a "crush" then your husband isn't providing the goods. For his sake he needs to know this somehow and be given the opportunity to change. OR you severe your ties and move on. I'd be getting some professional counsel.

Crush on good friends husband

geoff — Sat, 01 Oct 2016 18:22:59 GMT

hi Sylvia, can I ask you what your husband would think if he knew that you had this continual crush on this other fellow, sure we have to accept that most people have a crush on somebody, but the thought of actually wanting to be with them does create an enormous problem between the both of you, because it may happen again, until finally something does happen which could end you marriage. Geoff. x

Crush on good friends husband

Sandy centre — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 08:36:32 GMT

Hi Apollo Black!

Thanks for your help.

The latest is that my crush wants to have a child naturally but he doesn't know who with and he has no fertility issues. He has told his wife and naturally she is devastated I would be too. His wife sent me an sms message too. The other thing that they are dealing with is quite a high profile friend with members of his family have been killed in a terrible accident in the past week and they are not dealing with this very well. I sent a message to both saying that will be there for both of them.

My crush sent me a message to me to say that he is trying to sort things out...and appreciates my support. His wife also told me that my crush doesn't want to talk to anyone.... ??? Well why does my crush want to sms me? Is it an ego builder?

My husband keeps telling me to keep out which I think is good. I feel guilty

I am still scared, confused and feel really silly any suggestions would be good. I completely understand if you don't want to. I feel that I have put myself in this mess.

Regards Sylvia