topic Complicated grief in Relationship and family issues

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 03:58:23 GMT

Hi,

So an abusive grandparent passed away about 5 years ago. To this day, I still have mixed feelings about her passing.

Most days, I try not to think about her passing. In fact, most days, I try not to think about her at all. Nonetheless, she's often at the back of my mind.

When she was around, I used to write a lot. I lived in my own head. Imagination was my escape.

But when she passed away, something inside me died too. I stopped writing, and I barely engage in any sort of creative writing these days. I'm fine with uni assessments and stuff like that but I don't really write creatively if that makes any sense.

It feels weird but it feels as though I've lost some of my ability to imagine and create, which I'm sad about, and the turning point was her passing.

Most days I feel okay- as in I have somewhat accepted- my past and her passing. But some days, like last night, I suddenly felt like I was 5 again, and just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry.

And the hardest part is sometimes I think that I'm doing okay but then it sort of all starts hurting again (and I often can't pinpoint the trigger). And I remember.

Dottie x

Complicated grief

Wednesday — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 04:42:20 GMT

Hi Dottie,

I see you have been around the forum a little while but I don't think our paths have crossed.

How very brave of you to post. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. It will be okay and this moment will pass.

How dare adults abuse in anyway little children. It is complicated especially when it is a member of your family, did you live with your grandmother? Childhood abuse is very hard to overcome as is post traumatic stress and I suspect you may have both of these demons.

I also know that feeling of life is sort of okay then whammy you get hit in the face with something and the terror return. I've spent my fair share of time crying in the foetal position.

Sweetie, I'm sorry to ask the same questions you may have been through before but have you sought any help from a doctor or counsellor? Of course the lovely BB forum people are here with their experiences and support and you can post anytime.

You are not alone nor did you deserve to be mistreated. You deserve a beautiful life filled with love and joy. You deserve to be able to be creative just because you like being creative. These are your rights, don't let the beasties in your head win, this is your life fight for it!

Hugs, x

Complicated grief

White_Rose — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 05:12:59 GMT

Dear Dottie

Like Wednesday, this is the first time we have crossed paths. It's good to talk to you even though it is not a good topic. My guess about you not being able to write in a creative way is that you used this to escape your grandmother. Now there is no need to escape in the same way and your need for creativity has dropped. Possibly you feel a little guilty that she has gone and you are now free to do what you want. Don't know and I may well be talking through my hat. But it's a thought.

Regardless of whether grandma's death has anything to do with your creativity, you still have a lot of anger and pain towards her. May I suggest you write a letter to grandma, telling her how you felt when she was abusing you and how it affected your life. These things take a while to get over and the effects can last a while. Write down all the hurts she inflicted and what this meant to you.

No need to write it all at once. Take time to say everything and reflect on what happened, not brood. There is a difference. Then when you have finished give yourself a check-up. How do you feel about grandma? Can you forgive her? Remember forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It's about letting go of your hurt and releasing all the stored anger. It's all about you. It's also about understanding her anger to some extent and why she acted in that way, but this you may not know. Forgiveness and compassion go together but not always at the same time. Compassion may come later.

I hope this is helpful for you. Would love to know.

Mary

What you do with the letter is up to you. Keep it, burn it, bury it, whatever feels right to you. You will feel so much lighter when you reach this stage.

Complicated grief

Cornstarch — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 20:59:24 GMT

You're awesome Dots.

I stopped writing for ages after my Dad took his own life.

I found his diary in his study and after reading that I couldn't write.

I went completely blank. Burnt it in the fire hoping it would help and it didn't really.

I can still see the words on those pages in my minds eye.

It's the strangest kind of loneliness living with someone that says they don't want to live. We all like to think that we alone, would be worth hanging around for, but to discover that the love you give isn't enough anyway, sucks. Really sucks.

Interpersonal abuse is very complex. And don't minimise or compare yours to others if you can. It's just a sneaky way your mind tries to deny it. It's a head spin. Absolute head spin.

I personally think that it is a blessing that it 'waves' over a long period of time and doesn't 'flood' you.

Floods overwhelm. Waves can be surfed.

xxxxxx

Complicated grief

geoff — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 22:54:29 GMT

dear Dottie, how sorry I feel for you because to be abused in any way is absolutely horrific and I have always detested this kind of behaviour and always will.
Maybe you were writing as a way to sort of self medicate, although no medicine was involved but by writing would take your mind off what was done to you and definitely your way to escape.
Doing your uni assessments is different than writing to yourself, the first one is to complete a degree which you want to achiev, while the other way is just to distract those evil thoughts.
At the moment you are suffering from PTSD which I can't really diagnose you as I'm not qualified, but now is the time to see your doctor who can then send you onto a psychologist under the mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits.
Please don't struggle with this by yourself, because it's virtually impossible to overcome this by yourself, where at times you may think that you are fine but then a few days later you crash, please now you have to look after yourself here. Geoff. x

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 06:56:16 GMT

Thank you Wednesday, White Rose, Cornstarch and Geoff,

I don't know how to articulate how much your support means to me. Whether you can empathise from firsthand experience or not, your words all meant a lot.

This is especially as I realise that you all have your own struggles- even if I don't know what they are- but still took the time to respond so thoughtfully and empathetically.

I was seeing a psychologist for a number of years but stopped this year because I thought that I was fine. My brain went something like "woo, I'm 'cured'! I'm outta here!" And things were pretty good for a while.

Cornstarch, I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like to have a father die by suicide. And to have gained access to some of his final thoughts in his diary. The word that comes to mind is mindf**k.

I've stumbled upon your posts here and there so I have some (however vague) idea of what you've been through. I just wanted to say a huge thank you for responding despite what you're going through. It means more than you may realise. And you're right, it is complex.

Thanks again everyone, I've some thinking to do.

Dottie xxx

Complicated grief

Cornstarch — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 07:25:14 GMT

Everyone does this Dots.

It's healthy.

We all get absolutely sick and tired and bored and frustrated and fed up with the story and the narrative. And yet it haunts us.

God love ya Dots you're a high achiever. I can smell it. So you like to achieve results, you like to see progress etc etc etc.

Don't you hate duality and boomerangs.

I give you a HD and a WAM of 99.9

Organic Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 07:39:00 GMT

Hi Cornstarch,

Yeah, it certainly does haunt. As much as I like to pretend it doesn't, it does haunt.

You're very perceptive 😊 I'll never match your wit so I won't even try ha, ha. But you're right, I am a perfectionist. I would definitely prefer to think about grades than this, that's for sure.

Thanks Organic Corn.

Dottie x

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 07:53:31 GMT

And Cornstarch,

I don't know...I'm not saying anything groundbreaking- and I wouldn't be the first person to think- so but behind your joking and what not, you're smart. Really smart. Just keep being you and doing your thing.

Dottie x

Complicated grief

Cornstarch — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 08:04:14 GMT

You're a perfectionist.

And I am psychic.

It's how I stay close to Mum.

Psychotic/Psychic.

Peas and Pods.

Complicated grief

White_Rose — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 10:36:52 GMT

Hello Dottie

A brief note to ask how you are going. There are heaps of replies to you in just a couple of days. It's great to know others care about you. Get back to us when you can and when you feel like it.

Mary

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 10:49:58 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for checking in on me.

My honest answer is up and down. I saw some friends earlier today, which helped lift my mood (thank goodness for friends).

Right now? I don't know. It's not awful but I've just been having some crying spells the past 3 days. Hopefully they'll go away tomorrow ha, ha.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 16:52:26 GMT

Fell asleep and just woke up-it's almost 4am- and I've been awake for about 1/2 an hour now. The tears just suddenly started almost the very minute that I woke up. I'm not sure why I've been so teary lately. I feel like there's a hole in my gut (I don't know how to describe it). I just want whatever this is to stop.

Dottie x

Complicated grief

blondguy — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 17:17:37 GMT

Dottie

you are not alone here...my dad has been very abusive for years....he is elderly now and has had a heart attack....I have had to find peace & forgiveness (quickly)....and am one of his carers now....he is gentle like a kitten.....now

You are a beautiful soul Dottie that gives so much to so many....

Have a chat face to face about this one.....and a really really good cry (vent)

Im sorry I havent picked up your thread

you are a champion Dottie...x

Complicated grief

White_Rose — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 19:16:04 GMT

Hello Dottie

When you woke up you must have sent out some vibes as I woke at 4:30 and got up.😊 Oh dear, waking up early may give us a head start on the day, but at the other end I just get tired.

Dottie, let the tears come. I know it hurts but you are grieving and I find the best way is to cry and let it out. As your grief lessens so will the tears. It's exhausting and often we feel silly about it. After all "I'm not a child". But in fact we are children at times and want comfort and help. Age makes no difference to our needs. You did not just miss out on a having a warm and cuddly grandma, you had a spiteful person wounding you without cause. Now you are letting the hurt go and getting ready to move on.

So pleased you had time with your friends. Yes it is good to know we are cared for and it gives us a lift to the day. Keep in contact with people because being with others affirms us.

Make sure you are caring for yourself. It seems a bit mundane to talk of diet and exercise but these are important for our well being. Lots of fruit and vegetables, some meat/poultry/fish, easy on the carbs but don't leave them out and plenty of water. When your body is in tune you are better able to manage your emotions.

Grief is grief no matter what or who the cause. When my mom died I cried buckets. She was in the UK and me in Oz so I didn't get to say goodbye to her although I managed to get to her funeral. Every night I would come home from work and burst into tears. During the day I was too busy to cry and bottled it all up. This happened for many months until my grief had settled. I still miss her after 17 years but not in the almost violent way I did. And yes, I had that empty feeling which is where my pain came from.

Keep writing, you will get through this and come out the other end.

Mary

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 19:47:10 GMT

Aw guys,

I'm overwhelmed by the support. Thank you so much 😊

Paul, you always show me such incredible support. I really appreciate it.

I don't know how you do it. I guess when push comes to shove, you find a way towards peace. It takes a certain someone to become an abusive parent's carer; you have a very big heart.

Mary (White Rose), it seems like both our bodies decided to give us an early start today.

I'm sorry about your mother. Her death must have hit hard. It must have been difficult to not have been able to be with her during her last moments. I think we never truly stop missing those we love no matter how much time passes.

I do feel like a child sometimes so you're onto something there ha, ha. After about 4-ish days of the crying spells, right in this moment, I do feel a bit better (I can start thinking clearly again).

I try not to think about my grandmother too much. As soon as I see her face in my head, I shut the image down and think "whoa, nope, not going down that path."

I lived with my grandmother and parents till she passed away when I was 15. Then it was just my parents and I till I left home at 18. I shared a room with my grandma for the first 10 years of my life (till we extended the house then I got my own room...thank goodness).

Thanks again...I don't know what to say other than I'm grateful for the support.

Dottie x

Complicated grief

Wednesday — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 23:25:42 GMT

Hi Dotttie,

Ugh you poor thing who would want to share a bedroom with their grandmother, peleease!

It's good to let the tears flow beer out then in! like so many others I can relate to your feelings. I lived with my grand parents for a time before going to live with my parents, which was pretty awful too, all of this has left its scars.

Sweetie I've had more counselling than I can recall some good some not so great. But all in a funny way has helped me come to terms with a messy life. It sounds like it's time to revisit the counsellor. You were right stopping when you did last time, your brain had achieved a goal and you felt better. Maybe now it is time for you to take on the next challenge and work through the next issue lurking in your psych.

You can do this, it is so much better than spending the rest of a long life trying to avoid yucky stuff, face it, cry buckets and vent. This is your life to live in happiness not haunted by old stuff. You know that there are many here looking out for you. You can come back and vent/chat as much as you like, there will be someone here to listen or pick you up and give you a hug.

Hugs, x

Complicated grief

james1 — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 23:35:34 GMT

Hey Dottie,

The others have already posted some wonderful replies and it seems you've now met a few of the other long term posters as well which is lovely.

I just wanted to remind you, wherever you are right now, that you can always come here to share how you feel. There's a lot of stuff that seems to be pulling you down at these anniversary times, and I'm really glad you felt comfortable talking to us.

You're a wonderful person and you've always got a friend in me. 🙂

James

Complicated grief

Cornstarch — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 02:20:30 GMT

Dots,

Your family must be so proud of you.

Corn-ed Beef.

Complicated grief

Guest_322 — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 08:28:01 GMT

Hi Wednesday, James and Cornstarch,

I appreciate the kindness, understanding and support immensely.

Wednesday, I'm glad counselling has helped you over the years, and also for sharing a bit about yourself. But above all, for empathising and making me feel heard. It means a lot even if my words aren't necessarily conveying it very well.

James, you were one of the first people who responded to my intro thread, and I'm beyond grateful for your friendship here (BB is awesome!)

James, I never had any intention to talk about my family at the start...just sort of happened over time. I originally signed up to have a good long whinge about uni and work stresses (aka still my 2 favourite topics to harp on about ha, ha).

So sometimes I feel a little perplexed as to how on earth I started posting about the heavier stuff. I have been racking my brain as to what the trigger was to start these kinds of threads. And the answer is generally when the pain becomes a bit too much. That even I, reigning Queen of Compartmentalisation, sometimes isn't sure where to put those feelings.

Thanks everyone,

Dottie x