topic Struggling to move on.. in Relationship and family issues

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 11:37:37 GMT

Hi all, I've never posted anything like this before but I think it would be good for me to get my feelings out.

On New Year's Eve things ended between me and my on again off again boyfriend. I'm sad to say that everytime it was off it was my decision to end things. I was a selfish girlfriend, my reasons would be things like "we are too different" and "you deserve better". I still do believe these things, perhaps it was my constant negativity instead of rationally working things out that led to the final outcome.

It has been 2 months and I still miss him so much. I think about him all day everyday, I dream about him nearly everynight. I know we will never get back together - he has told me not to contact him again. I don't blame him as I have constantly manipulated him in the past. I just wish I could go back to the start, be happy with him and work on our problems instead of throwing it away whenever things became difficult. I know that he would have already moved on from me, I just can't seem to let go of the love we had. I look at our pictures and old conversations, I cry uncontrollably at the fact that I ruined everything. He honestly treated me like a queen and I treated him like dirt.

I have read stories where people cannot move on from their ex for at least a year or longer... I don't want to be like that.. I want to let go and be happy. It breaks my heart that I wake up and feel this constant pain everyday.

Does anybody else feel this way? Has anyone else been through this? How can I be happy without him?

Struggling to move on..

lizzie50 — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 11:58:28 GMT

Hey!

I relate to how you feel, however I was on the other end I got emotionally abused and manipulated by my ex. He has a lot of his own issues and battles but sadly refuses to believe or see them. I got blamed for everything falling apart.

Its been 3 months and I think about him everyday, I cry all the time and dream of him every night. Recently it's been about him with another girl replacing me, which breaks me to think maybe it was me if he can move on so quickly. I was the first girl in 3 years he spoke to and the first serious thing his had. He has blocked me and said he never wants to be with me ever, as we always said we'd come back to each other to give this a chance when we were ready, more when he was grown up. I can't get over him, I can't delete photos of him. I just can't believe his treated me like dirt, I'm scared I never meant anything and it was all a lie. His ego is too big to open up and be vulnerable.

I've been seeing a counsellor it's been helping but it's the nights when I can't sleep and I feel I'm in this rut. I've found writing how you feel helps me alot and reflecting I've come far without realising it. I wrote him a letter and asked him if I could read it to him and he has ignored my request which hurt cause I felt it was going to give me the closure I never received. The break up was nasty and unexpected. It went from first time he said I love you To my face, to that night after he was high blocking me and abusing me with nasty names.

Have you contacted him?

Struggling to move on..

white knight — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 12:10:02 GMT

Hi abc :), welcome

Yes in my experience with 3 failed long term relationships you can move forward.

My secret was major distractions. Also self building of confidence and finally...dating again. Lets go through these.

Distractions. I built my own home. I spent soare time on a rural property and vleared it pkanted trees then built a large garage. I moved my caravan into the garage and built a kit home. I didnt have mind time to grieve for my lost fatherhood which was devastating.

Confidence. Google please

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Romance. For some, like me, l could only fully move forward once l fell in love with another. Even dating is fun and interesting.

You are indeed self reflecting and although you deserve praise for that, recognised your faults, you are likely iver stating these traits your treatment of him due to it failing. So be aware of this.

Good luck and think positive.

Tony WK

Struggling to move on..

geoff — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 18:55:46 GMT

hi TTOE, well there's not too much I can say here, I do feel sorry for you, but he wanted you and treated your like a queen while you pushed him away, and after 2 months he would have moved on, but what worries me is how you are feeling with all these negative thoughts, because when this usually happens it could point to having depression.
When you do tell him it's off then you have the strength but as soon as you start wanting him back and don't, then you feel guilty, but the two don't go hand in hand, they can't so then doubt goes into the whole situation and wonder what you have finally done.
If this r/ship has been on and off several times then it would have never worked out, because there will be too many disagreements and a very unhappy r/ship, so when your thinking of him you need to realise that it wouldn't be with him and you could never live together again, you need to move on, maybe you could remain friends but that would depend on whether that's what he wants. Geoff.

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 00:20:31 GMT

Hi Tony, thank you very much for your reply.

May I ask you what went wrong for you in these 3 relationships? Also, were they one after the other or did you have free time in between to be happy by yourself?

It's amazing that you had the drive and motivation to do that. I work full time but my job is mind numbingly boring. I spend 8 hours a day stuck in my own head. It is hard not to come back to the same sad subject and feeling. I try to distract myself out of work though, going to the movies with friends, dinner with my parents etc. it really only gets bad when I am alone.

"Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective. Self-confidenceis having confidence in one's self." - Wikipedia. I feel like I had a lot of self-confidence when I was with him but I do feel that has deteoriated after we split.. he made me feel beautiful and loved. Now I feel ugly and lonely.. like no one could ever love someone like me again.

Romance - I definitely thrive when someone shows interest in me but I want to have the courage to move on without needing to fall in love with someone else.. I want to be able to be happy with or without someone.

Thank you - it was not just me contributing to the failure of our relationship but I do regret my treatment of him.

Thank you so much for your time Tony.

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 01:03:24 GMT

Hi lizzie50, thank you for your reply.

I have read through some of your posts and did find them very helpful and relatable to how I am feeling now.

I really am sorry you feel this pain however I am greatful that I'm not the only one who has these feelings and I'm not alone.

You sound very loving and caring, you may not believe me but you deserve to be treated a lot better than what I have read - people say "you deserve better" to me as well, but it is hard to believe.

I have started a journal since feeling this low, and have started a mental health plan but am yet to see a counsellor, I get so down on myself because I am embarrassed to feel this way and think "why would they even care?" I know people have been through a lot worse such as physical abuse, cheating etc. and have come out the other side happy, I don't know why I continue to feel so devasted - especially when it was my fault.

I feel for you because even though I may not have been as rude to my partner as yours was towards you I can see how much it hurts on the other side of being thrown away and taken back just to be thrown away again leaving both of you confused.

Yes, I did recently contact him when I was drunk, telling him I still love him and would do anything for him - he replied to say do not contact him again. I'm not shocked by this but it still hurts to see that he wants nothing to do with me after he gave me so much love. Up until then I did pretty well not contacting him - I have his number as well as social media sites blocked but the problem with that is that I can unblock them and see them at any time which I think is unhealthy.. I have restrained myself from doing this lately and hope I can be strong and keep it up.

Thanks for your time lizzie50, I am really glad I can talk to someone that has the same kind of feelings as me. Xx

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 03:23:29 GMT

Hi Tony, thank you for you reply.

May I ask what went wrong for you in the 3 relationships you had? Also were the one after the other or did you have time in between to be happy by yourself?

Thats great to hear you had the motivation to do that and congratulations. One of my biggest problems is working. I work full time and there is little to no mental stimulation to distract me from these thoughts, I can spend 8 hours a day stuck in my own head thinking about everything negative. Outside of work I do well, going to the movies with friends, dinner with my parents, taking the dogs for a walk etc. but no major distractions for me yet.

Confidence - I did have a lot of self confidence when I was with my partner, he made me feel beautiful and loved now I feel disgusting and alone like no one could ever love someone like me again.

Topic: the best praise you will ever get - thank you for having me read this. I do relate to having to rely on someone to feel that sense of happiness and to feel loved, but yes - we come into this world alone and we will die alone, so why can't I be happy alone?

Romance - of course I thrive when someone is interested in me, but I don't want to rely on falling in love with someone else to get over my past love. I want to move on and be happy with myself. I want to be someone who can be happy with or without someone.

I feel a lot of regret and reflecting on all the things I think I did wrong, I guess the only thing to do is learn from the mistakes and never treat anyone like that again. I wish he could know how truly sorry I am.

Thank you so much for your time Tony.

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 03:30:32 GMT

Hi Geoff, thank you for your reply.

I agree with everything you've said, I do think logically about this but somehow my emotions manage to take over that logic.

I know that the relationship probably wouldn't have worked due to the amount of problems and break ups we did have. It was a very toxic relationship but it was also a very loving one. I think the hardest thing to overcome is the fact that we didn't break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because we couldn't work together to overcome our issues.

I doubt we would ever be friends and it's definitely hard to let go of someone who was a major part of your life. I hope that I am strong enough to get past this issue sooner rather than later.

Thank you for your time Geoff.

Struggling to move on..

white knight — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 04:01:21 GMT

Hi,

My first defacto relationship lasted 7 years. She was 7 years older and had a long history of depression having had a child adopted at 15yo as they did them days. In the end I found her indecision too much to bare. I wanted a family and she left me at least once a week and returned. Too much instability.

The second one I married after 2 years of loneliness. We were married for 11 years. She 19 me 29yo. She had a terrible weapon of laziness and silence, the latter a cruel weapon when you want to sort things out. Up to 6 weeks at a time without a word spoken. We planned the old lifestyle, mum at home with the kids, me working. I had to work 3 jobs to do this and we lived in the country so commuting 3 hours a day took its toll. I needed her support but support would never come from someone always asleep. So home chores were eventually taken over by me as well as the 3 jobs. In 1996 after 11 years I planned my suicide. Thankfully I thought "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all" and left. I kept busy building my own home.

18 months later I met a lady and we stayed together for 10 years. I grew to love her grown children and grandchildren. However I've since found out that some people lack the natural nurturing in their personality. My two girls were good kids but she wouldn't bond and we lived a travelling life without my kids. She was also a closet drinker and when drunk she'd be aggressive. To be frank I also had mental instability at the time.

We split in 2008 and 1 year later my best friend of 25 years a lady that I'd previously match made to my brother in law in 1988 was also single, she being the closest auntie my girls ever knew. So dad and auntie moved in together. This I thought would delight my now grown daughters 18 and 22. The elder was shocked and it took a few months for her to get her head around it but she did and she now calls her mum as she doesn't see her birth mother.

I think this proves a number of things about positive thinking. First, even though I had developed such drive from 1982 I still had a suicidal episode in 1996. The benefit though was that once I fell down emotionally I bounced back better. So motivation isn't all, you still have those down times but if one can wait until the depressive cycle starts going up again then you can put a rocket under it and conquer the world!!

But distraction remains my greatest asset. Ask questions by all means

Tony WK

Struggling to move on..

lizzie50 — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 09:19:38 GMT

It does feel a lot better to know other people feel the same way as you, i always thought there may be something wrong with me to be struggling so much.

Yeah its a hard thing to hear and harder to believe in my eyes, yes i deserve better however he is all i want which is a struggle for me. First time i saw my counsellor i felt so silly for being there and starting the convo with I've had my heart broken, cause its like that happens to everyone at some point. However i just cant seem to be coping with this break, its been nearly 3 months and i feel im back to square one. Checking my phone to see if his messaged me, if his thinking about me, missing me etc. I keep having dreams/nightmares that his with someone else and that his moved on already, which i know is going to happen eventually. However i was the first girl in 3 years he was interested in, first date, first serious thing so i like to think i was special and he hasn't just replaced me already. Its hard for me because he has a big ego anddoesnt like being vulnerable so he would never tell me how he really feels about me. I just have to trust my gut and my heart that what we had was real, i meant a lot to him and he thought i was amazing he was just simply scared of commitment and his too immature to see his issues, mistakes and has to blame everyone for everything.

He has blocked me off social media, i like to think cause he cant bare to see photos of me etc. Is this why you blocked your ex? rather than it be for nasty reasons. Im an over thinker and i lay there at night crying wondering what did i do wrong? I overthink to the worst situations and make myself worked up and results in panic attacks its terrible.

I was doing well and then i had a death in the family and reached out to him and was rejected "leave me out of this i dont want to be involved" He has also told me that doesnt want to talk to me and never wants me involved in his life again, its heart breaking and its what im struggling with heaps.

Its nice to talk to people experiencing these feelings xx

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 09:21:43 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank you for sharing your story with me 🙂

That is a lot of heartbreak for one person to go through, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

Do you ever miss any of your previous partners?

Are you still with "auntie" now? If so, I'm so glad you could find love again after such heartbreak.

I guess it's always hard to open up again after you've been hurt.

Struggling to move on..

Thetormentofexistence — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 11:12:47 GMT

Hi Lizzie,

I felt the exact same way! My friends are confused about why I'm still hung up on this guy but I suppose it's never as easy as "goodbye" it's done and everyone moves on with their life. I feel stuck and I imagine you do too.

That's exactly right, all you want is him, that's how I feel too. It breaks my heart to know that it won't be the way it was with him ever again no matter how much I cry, pray or beg.

This is the worst part, wondering what they are doing, who they're hanging out with, if they've moved on while you are stuck feeling the same way about them as the day things ended.

Yes this is exactly why I did block him, I don't really want to know what they're doing or who they're hanging out with, I certainly don't want to know if he's already moved on. As much as my heart is already broken I don't want to shatter it anymore.

I don't know if this is why your ex blocked you, it sounds like he has a lot of mental issues going on and has taken a lot out on you. You shouldn't blame yourself for his actions, I know I've only heard your side of the story but I feel that you were there for him and he pushed you away? It's unfair but hopefully one day he realises what he did wrong.

Aw honey, I'm also so sorry to hear about the death of a loved one. I also contacted my ex as my childhood dog had just passed away, I just wanted him to hold me but you cannot make someone love you or even care that these terrible things are happening to you.

I hope you're feeling better tonight lovely. Take care of yourself. We can both get through this I know it. Xx

Struggling to move on..

white knight — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 12:02:20 GMT

Hi,

My wife (the girls ex auntie) and l married in 2011. It has been simply wonderful and stable after l finally fine tuned my meds for bipolar2, dysthymia and depression.

being so stable has enabled me to contribute towards this forum. As l was anxious and manic most of my life l have had a colourful complex life packed with a variety of experiences.

Do l miss the ex's. No. I sometimes wonder how they ended up.The mother of my children had a second husband that was a nice fellow. They were married 2 years when he vusited me and told me he had problems with his wife. I guessed his problems. He asked what he could do to overcome them. "If l know that l wouldnt have left her". They divorced later.

That is a good example for you. See, that woman nearly cost me my life. She did cost me my full time fatherhood and our kids their full time dad. A bad attitude doesnt however mean a mental illness.

I noticed you blame yourself a lot or you have adopted your ex's accusations of worthlessness. My ex wife, with her silence used as a weapon (a very effective tool to a man with a hard working ethic) used contempt and disrespect as a means to suppress. This led to me feeling trapped and low self esteem. Hence after separation l lived in a small caravan and cried myself to sleep every night. I still had to negotiate with this person with visits with our kids. Work rosters and drop off times etc. It was a continuing nightmare.

14 years after separation my youngest turned 18. A short note to my ex said ...never contact me again under any circumstances.

So, what is important here. Insulating yourself from toxic people. Regain your confidence and screen your new friends. Google

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

One should also consider that you are only having these troubling issues with one person. It might not repeat itself. If you kniw you have contributed towards the break up then you have insight which is valuable. Focus on those and counter them. But dont punish yourself because faults mean you are human.

Keep things into perspective. Be kind to yourself. Regain your mental strength and realise you are worthy of happiness.

Google

Topic: worry, worry, worry- beyondblue

You cant and shouldnt try, to change your nature.

Topic: the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Tony WK