topic Am I taking things too personally? in Relationship and family issues

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 04:05:50 GMT

Hello, not sure exactly how to start.

I am an outspoken married female. I am passionate but will not tolerate injustice and speak up. I am married to a man who presents as sweet, kind and gentle but he is actually narcissistic, scheming and passive aggressive. I have an adult child who holds a great deal of resentment towards me as she sides with her father. My husband always presents himself as the victim. Even if he loses his job, it's not his fault, it's mine and I am then required to work 7 days a week so we don't lose the house. My adult daughter rarely helps out and has no compassion towards me, just him.

Today he decided to tell her that I was having an extra-marital affair with an 18 year old. Hmm! He then went on about the other men that I had apparently slept with. None of this is true and ironically, his lies did not bother me. What did bother me greatly though was his intent - his malicious intent to further wedge my daughter from me. I have put up with his laziness, his refusal to socialise (no one visits and no one invites us over anymore), his refusal to even visit his own family, and his refusal to come to hospital when I was rushed there with a suspected heart attack. He told the paramedics that he had work in the morning. Hmm!

So I now sit here alone. My daughter couldn't care less about how I am feeling and my dearest husband just keeps feeding her more propaganda about what a horrible human I am. My daughter's response hurts me. Her father has done nothing for her as I did everything. Even taking her to friends was too laborious for him.

In the past, he has hit me. No one believed me. In the past and present, he has mentally and emotionally abused me, and once again, no one has believed me. Apparently I am far too bold of a human for anyone to try to abuse.

I am now a shell of a human. We have no connections to his family, my friends all disappeared as I kept having to cancel them due to his refusal to have anything to do with them, and my family are elderly. He berates me for my appearance, and when I began to start looking after myself, berated me again for spending money. My daughter is downright rude.

I have no one. But I don't believe that I deserve to put up with this because of financial pressures. Dearest husband losing his job three times really set us back financially and he will go after me with a vengeance with any financial settlement.

Husband is a psychopath. Daughter has ripped my heart into pieces.

Am I taking things too personally?

White_Rose — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 07:42:44 GMT

Dear A Life Wasted

Hello and welcome. Yes I know what you mean. Been there and now repairing my life.People like your husband are very clever and show themselves as pillars of society, wonderful persons. It's not true of course but it's hard to show others how it has been. I am so very sorry your daughter has been brainwashed into believing him. My eldest daughter finds it difficult to see any harm in my ex. So I live with it.

May I suggest a couple of things to you? First, go and see your GP and tell him/her what you have written here. Print the post you wrote above and take it with you. Second, start writing down all the things that have happened including the times your husband has lost his job, with dates if you can remember them. Write down the financial consequences and the consequences for yourself.

Thirdly contact the Women's Legal Service in your state. They will arrange for you to have one or two free consultations with a lawyer and you should proceed from here. I see you have lost contact with your friends and family. Is there any way of contacting any of them? I ask because you are going to need support but also some of them may confirm the actions of your husband.

I am fairly outspoken, which has got me into trouble in the past. Good for you. Injustice makes me angry and determined to stand up to it. Unfortunately we do not get much support. Many people prefer to walk away from these situations. Wouldn't it be great if we all looked after one another?

Sorry to make this a short post. It's time I cooked tea for me and my grandson. Keep writing in.

Mary

Am I taking things too personally?

blondguy — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 07:58:59 GMT

Hello Alife

Thankyou for having the courage to post. You mentioned that you have been a victim of physical and psychological abuse. No one, male or female should have to be the subject of any abuse. I can feel your pain as I have been physically (and emotionally) abused and then hospitalized as result of a partners behavior.

You are an intelligent and well articulated person and deserve to be treated with the respect you deserve

If I may ask why your husband refuses to socialize?

White Rose has written an excellent post above. I hope you have a couple of people (friend/relative) or even one person in your 'support network' that you can bounce off right now.

There are many kind folk here on the forums that can be here for you.

my kind thoughts

Paul

Am I taking things too personally?

Cornstarch — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 09:20:00 GMT

By using the word 'passion' it comes across like you've gone back to the marriage many times, and given it many chances because you made a commitment. No one goes into marriage hoping it doesn't work. There is honour in that.

But you have your limits. And good on you. You sound really hard working and you deserve to be respected.

Personally I would put professional support in place, because if it is a relationship with a true narcissist, there would have been enormous amounts of drama over the years, and your friends will become weary of supporting you. It just never ends.

A tale of cat and mouse, the 'thrill of the chase' can become a constant theme with a narcissist. It can become addictive because you feel like you are at the hot, fiery beginning of a new relationship, when really you are married to a manipulator and all your pals just want you to see that you are under the thumb. I was chatting to a women today who was venting her frustration at personality styles that are attracted to people who claim to be 'damsels in distress', that are actually, calculating users and takers. I hope this is not such a scenario because we both concluded there are heaps out there and oddly it is really nice people that go for them.

Sometimes the fights become the intimacy, because there are gaping holes in true intimacy, be it physical or emotional.

At the end of the day it is only the couple that knows what really goes on behind closed doors.

Your husbands tactics sound a little desperate. Narcissists can be extremely childish. That must be so hurtful for you, when you have given your beautiful daughter so much love.

I don't know what the hell I would do if I was you. I just don't understand why your daughter takes either side. But the mere fact that you already know he would 'take you to the cleaners', would be enough resolve for me to follow through with a financial settlement. That is a very unattractive personality trait.

Divorces can be very protracted things. If it is within your financial means to do so I would outsource where I could because your mental health may really suffer if you're not careful. Shear adrenalin and nastiness will propel a narcissist forward don't you worry, they do not need you to energise them.

Good luck,

A very painful situation for you, some tears of frustration tonight maybe.

Am I taking things too personally?

white knight — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 09:35:22 GMT

Great replies from those before me.

Yes, you need relationship counselling.

Its funny how outspoken people in general are sort of respected less. It kind of like, if you are quiet natured you are perceived as wiser.

Yes he will pursue you financially but I'd leave anyway. Just my opinion.

Tony WK

Am I taking things too personally?

gld — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 11:04:48 GMT

Hi Alifewasted,

Some great points have been made in previous posts for you to look over and choose what path you want to take.

I feel the most important point is to love yourself more and keep yourself safe, mentally and physically.

Put downs, blame and threats solely are not a healthy way to move towards a happy path. There is a need to have positives in a relationship to give it balance as life has its ups and downs anyway.

Connect with people who build you up as it could help you move towards a happier place and give you strength for better decision making.

Gen

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 23:04:24 GMT

Thank you. I went to visit my parents last night and they were very supportive. My mother, who I always deemed to be a very conservative and traditional woman, was mortified and told me that I should divorce him!

My friends, a term that I now use loosely, abandoned me when they saw problems over 20 years ago. When I see them, I just force a smile. I do not want them being a part of my life as I ran to them after my husband physically abused me - and I was pregnant - and not one of them took me in. They didn't want to 'get involved'.

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 23:12:55 GMT

Thank you. I don't feel articulate as I am so overwhelmed with feelings of anger and disappointment.

He doesn't like to socialise - basically he never allows anyone to get close to him. You would never think that though at first meeting. Over time, however, he is unable to maintain this smooth super human persona and people are able to see through him.

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 23:22:07 GMT

So true Cornstarch! He becomes energised with any weakness that I show. He feeds off vulnerability. He is at a point where he does not care about appearances either - he enjoys being a bully. Maybe I was one of those women who 'needed to be needed'? I really hope I wasn't like that when I was 22 but looking back, I helped him get on his feet. He was unemployed and sad. I helped him get back on his feet: he moved into my parent's bungalow at no expense; my family helped him find work; I encouraged him to go and complete his schooling and expand his job opportunities. And unfortunately, lost myself in the process. I helped enable a monster; I gave him a sense of power and purpose.

He used my strength against me; similar to what a parasite does to a human body.

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 23:24:02 GMT

Thanks white night, so true.

And yes, I do fear he will go after me financially at all costs - even to the detriment of his daughter. My daughter will end up losing any future financial assistance I had in place for her.

Am I taking things too personally?

alifewasted — Sun, 13 Nov 2016 23:26:56 GMT

Hi Gen, I so need to connect with people that understand and don't judge. Put downs have been part of my relationship with him from the time I can remember. It was in 'jest' but looking back, it was a way of putting me back into place. Recent dealings with him have certainly confirmed that.

I need new friends and a new start!

Am I taking things too personally?

Cornstarch — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 00:20:07 GMT

I am so sorry it has come to this alifewanted (it is a new day, and I took the liberty to change your name, bossy I know).

It is completely warranted that you are feeling angry and resentful. I would be very concerned if you were not. It sounds like you have been carrying them for a long time and may even have been taken advantage of. You are such a generous person, and I hate to see a user squander your good heart.

I think that he is not good enough for you. End of story. If he wants to take you to the cleaners that indicates to me that when he chooses a partner, money was always high on the priority list, with no regard to how that makes the person feel. That is a horrible, selfish act and I do not respect it.

I truly do not understand your daughters side unless she has similar personality traits to him. Narcissists will employ all sorts of tactics. If they are not playing the damsel in distress they are feigning strength. Manipulation on the pendulum swing. Today you may get texts telling you that he is moving out and moving on. This will not last, what a load of rubbish. As you said when using the word 'parasite' , they simply cannot be alone. The only way that they can survive is by having someone to control and to put down, they always come crawling back, especially if you are the best offer they have in terms of providing them with a lifestyle that they feel utterly entitled to because of their big bad pain. Worse than anyone else's don't you forget it.

I am gobsmacked by your 'friends'! Gobsmacked. You referred to wanting new friends that were not judgmental. If by any chance alifewasted is brilliant and has been rewarded with the types of jobs brilliance brings I do believe that you may be living in the Land of White Bread. It can be very lonely, all of that middle class gaze and respectability. Until you have been pushed to an extreme end of DV or mental illness, they simply cannot understand how even the strongest person can become absolutely unrecognisable to themselves.

If you have made mistakes your husband will feast on them and some people in The Land of White Bread will judge you. I can't sugar coat it. You're too smart for that.

BUT, do not underestimate the compassion and understanding of other inhabitants in The Land of White Bread that have had similar experiences and know exactly how one can lose oneself. Despite where you come from.

We're out there, you just gotta find us.

There are beautiful guys out there waiting 4u.

Am I taking things too personally?

Melfunction81 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 01:11:36 GMT

hi alifewasted, I just wanted to say that this really resonates with me. I was in a three year relationship with an abusive partner. I left him once after he did something really bad and stayed with my dad but as always he sucked me in with promises he wouldnt keep and after that my friends and family all disowned me. I ended up alone with no one to turn to until in May this year after when after a domestic dispute the police put an end to it all by issuing a family violence order.

It was the best thing that could have happened and although Im struggling with other demons at the moment I am finally starting to get back on my feet.I get that you have been in this relationship a lot longer than what I was and have a child but now that she is an adult I think you should think about yourself for a change

People have posted about getting counselling but only you know if this relationship is worth being saved. You do sound like a very strong woman who could cope on her own, I do not believe the disrespect of your husband and daughter when you are doing so much for them. Does your adult daughter work? If not maybe its time she did and started chipping in so she can see how much you actually do for everyone.

I hope that you work something out because you definitely do not deserve to be treated like this.

sending my love your way xo