topic Who do I choose? in Relationship and family issues

Who do I choose?

j88 — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 22:07:46 GMT

Hello, after having my 1st child 4 years ago I was diagnosed with post natal depression and have dealt with it ever since. I have suspected I have always had some sort of depression since I was young. I feel like I'm going down hill fast again. My mum is recovering from breath cancer where she needed a mastectomy, chemo and radiation which was really tough on her and everyone in the family. As a special celebration of everything she has been through we wanted to take her away to the one place she has always wanted to go, to santorini. Unfortunately my husband can't come as he has to work. Originally I thought he was fine if we all went and I took our children without him. As it's coming to the booking stage now he is has gotten terribly upset saying numerous reasons why I'm being selfish wanting to go without him and how he would never do that to me. I just need some outside perspective. My family is desperate for me to come as everyone is going but my husnand is also in a terrible way and I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I am desperate to go to but don't want to hurt my husband. I can't please my family myself and my husband all at once and I'm going into a dark place. I know it doesn't make sense but I feel like hurting myself, im not eating and can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do 😞

Who do I choose?

Kazzl — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 02:17:01 GMT

Hi j88 - you asked for an outside perspective - without knowing you or your husband, my perspective is that the selfish one isn't you! This could be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have very special time in a special place with your family.

Now I know I probably should say something like relationships are complex things that need nurturing, everyone's needs should be respected, give and take etc but honestly, what is your husband so incapable of doing for himself that he must have you at home rather than off enjoying special time with your mum?

Sorry, but he sounds controlling to me. And if he derives more pleasure from controlling you than from knowing you're enjoying yourself, well ... I'll spare you my feminist rant.

You are an individual j88, you don't belong to anyone but yourself - not your husband, not your family, no one. YOU decide if you're going according to what YOU want.

Send us a postcard eh? 😊

Cheers

Kaz

PS - I expect there will be others along soon with less strident words hun.

Who do I choose?

Touille — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 03:08:14 GMT

Hi j88,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother having cancer and you having post natal depression, seems like a very distressing situation.

I have to agree with what Kaz said, your husband is using Emotional blackmail to control you, first he says it's ok to go on your trip with your family, now he doesn't want you to go without him, he should just have a break from work and go with you and your family or stay home and support on your trip. Your poor mother has been through a lot and you are trying to please too many people.

I suggest you go on your trip, try and explain your situation to your husband and please don't hurt yourself, you have a nice family and little child to think of. If you can't resolve the issue with your husband, you may have to question the future of your marriage, when you marry, people agree to live together as a team and support each other, not control everyone's every move, space is needed too.

I'm a guy by the way and I say go girl to Greece, what if something happens to your mother.

If things don't work out with your husband, I'm sure you will find a more reasonable guy who isn't so controlling.

Hope this helps and I suggest you see a GP or other professional to help you with your depression.

Take Care

Touille

Who do I choose?

CMF — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 06:37:05 GMT

Hi J88 and welcome,

I would feel the same as you but I agree with Kazz. Youre not leaving him to look after the kids while you go off and party. You and your children are having some beautiful quality time with you mum, a memory you will treasure forever. I think you may regret it if you let him convince you not to go. My ex husband did the same to me. My mum had cancer and my sister, sister in law and I wanted to take her to the theatre so we bought her tickets for her birthday. He was to look after the kids for the day while we took my mum out. we met in the city, saw the show, had coffee afterward and then went home. Well he was livid, yelled at me for being out all day, hadn't fed the kids instead gave them shortbread biscuits all day (they were bouncing off the wall) and said he shouldn't have to prepare dinner. This was the thanks I got for looking after the kids day in day out every day. He couldn't even let me enjoy 1 afternoon out with my family (I never went out and left him with the kids). He used to take sickies from work and play golf with his dad and brother or play golf on the weekend but I was not allowed to enjoy anything that meant him looking after the kids.

He will get over it, he's probably feeling a little jealous but this is an opportunity for you all that you will not get back again. I think he should respect that.

cmf x

Who do I choose?

white knight — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 13:40:01 GMT

Hi and welcome,

I'm a 60yo male and I've worked with many many men in my life in the security and defence industry and organisations.

I agree with the others already posted. Your husband is showing signs that I'm all to familiar with. It's like some men never really grow up. This immaturity brings with it a selfish side that is inconsiderate.

Being a loving caring partner means making your spouse happy. In this case accompanying your mum to her dream location.

I've got a poem I have re: written for your mum. I hope you like it.

THE HOUSE OF WAX

He was busy with the pouring

This old man’s name of Max

So I toured his workplace while he toiled

This holy house of wax

There were inventors of a kind

And starlets from the stage

There were master minds of talent

From another age

There were heroes of the wars

And leaders of a group

There were figurines of wax

From every allied troop

I stopped to admire him work

His name tag read just “Max”

“You really are a marvel

How you recreate with wax”

I focused on his one off mould

And marvelled when it set

This figure of mum of J88

That I’d had never met

Her arms were open wide

as if about to fly

I asked a simple question

I asked a simple “why”?

Because she is cradling her children

Even though you cannot see

It is the stance she had

When they were kids in their glee

He continued to work away

As his making of a sign had begun

And I was in total awe

Of a mirror image of her mum

He rolled out the final cast

To place at J88's feet

This house of wax curator

That I was glad to meet

He placed the sign just right

This single cast of one

The sign read appropriately

“This is the perfect mum”...

Go and support your mum J88. Its the right thing to do.

Tony WK

Who do I choose?

geoff — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 18:13:08 GMT

hello J, I take on board what all the others have said and support them, because for you to suffer from PND is horrible as I too suffered from it when my ex had it and know what it means by having it, plus your mum has gone through a life changing moment, which would dearly affect how a lady feels by having both breasts removed, it would be a tremendous loss and she could also be suffering from some sort of depression, so to go on this holiday could hopefully be the beginning of a different life for her as well as for you.
Your husband could have the chance to take so time off, whether or not he does have time so he can do this and not be fooled by saying that the firm needs him to be at work, or saying this just because he doesn't want to go, well it's your decision because you need a holiday and certainly your mum would love to go away.
If your husband was depressed himself then he would want to be by himself, that's all I wanted was to be left alone and didn't care if the ex took our 2 sons away, however this doesn't seem to be the situation here, so if your husband wants to go or doesn't want to, then that's his decision.
As much as may love him it still doesn't mean that he can bully you into changing your mind, although that maybe a bit excessive in saying that, but for me when I had depression my ex wasn't able to help me so that's why she took our sons away but was in contact most days with me, because she needed a break and our sons wanted to go with her.
If your husband is in a terrible way then is he on any medication and does he see a psychologist, which I hope he is, but if he doesn't then he is not helping himself.
Your mum would dearly love for you to go with her, so take this holiday and if you feel as though tyou are worried then have a friend or family member call on him to say hello. Love Geoff. x

Who do I choose?

CMF — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 19:52:17 GMT

Hi J,,

im wondering, what was your husband like with your PND? Was he supportive or did he brush it off? My ex used to brush off my depression/anxiety. Has he been supportive through your mothers journey? As Geoff asked, is he well?

When you mention you don't know what will happen if you go, what's you think may happen?

Cmf x

Who do I choose?

j88 — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 22:57:43 GMT

Thank you so much to every single person who has commented! It means of much to have people care and help and I really appreciate all your advice. It has really helped me! Whiteknight your poem was beautiful, thank you!

Who do I choose?

CMF — Sun, 09 Oct 2016 09:47:44 GMT

Hi,

Post back whenever you need or want to. We are all here for you and each other.

I hope you take the trip and would love to hear about it.

cmf x

Who do I choose?

j88 — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 08:13:13 GMT

Thank you so much. I am going to go. He's not super happy but mostly because he can't come. At least he's stopped making me feel so awful.