topic Online dating in Relationship and family issues

Online dating

Lonely22 — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 10:57:42 GMT

Hey every1,

so recently I'm looking into online dating sites but keep hearing negative feedback, that these sites have terrible male female ratio (1f to 10m, rediculous right), that many come across nothing like how they convey themselves, that it's so difficult to maintain online chats let alone actually get a date out of any of it, that it's a waste of money/time.... I mean, what alternative do I have, I'm unsocial and social anxiety and useless conversationalist. Idk, I hate competition like this, in social circumstances, I don't compare to any1 else, I'm always last choice, if choice at all (I've only ever gotten rejected asking women out) so until sone1 proves to me otherwise, I'm not relationship material, so why bother.

Online dating

Just Sara — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 12:29:33 GMT

Hi and welcome Lonely22 to our caring community here on BB;

You want to know something interesting? A friend and I were talking of putting this issue up for discussion as a new thread last night! And here you are...

You sound like a sensitive and caring person who only wants what we all want; to find, be loved by, and to love a kindred spirit. Someone to call friend, lover and life partner.

The trials and tribulations we go thru trying to find that perfect 'connection' with another like minded soul, can flatten even the strongest of us. Is it any wonder dating sites are populated by all and sundry attempting to find Mr/Mrs right? (Whether that be physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually)

When we consider the ratio of people that might fall into the category of 'the perfect partner' for us as individuals, it can seem pretty dismal, but not impossible! My own story is testament to this adage.

At 57 the stat's are worse than in my youth where boys and girls roamed freely tripping over a suitor or love interest at random. This may sound inflated, but I can assure you I rarely went without if you know what I mean. (Cheeky!) I grew into my teens during the 70's so I'm allowed to say this. Ha ha

I'm not beautiful or a physical Goddess, but I had a keen sense of what I wanted and was able to communicate this once I learned what worked and what didn't. It takes practice and there can be some heavy hits to confront along the way. (As you've mentioned)

You haven't said your age or gender, though you did state; 'I've only ever gotten rejected asking women out'. This of course doesn't rule out being attracted to the same sex. No judgement there as I've recently come out as bi sexual. So no biggie either way..

As I've said, my online dating story is a successful one, but instead of continuing, I'd love to know more about you first. (This isn't a request for dating criteria ok?)

Please invest some of your time contributing to this thread. We here on BB know the value of talking our heads off only to find we've answered our own questions, or are relieved after purging ourselves of long forgotten secret demons. And don't forget the value of friends who care...

I'm here to listen and give a friendly reply so hopefully you'll find trust, comfort and solace within these private cyber walls.

In anticipation...Sara (Big hug)

Online dating

nowhereman — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 14:26:25 GMT

Hi Lonely22, your absolutely right.ive been on a couple of free sites.way too many scammers .fake frofiles.etc. and too many snobby people just there to further damage others self esteem. They arnt the types of people to meet. Im a real loner.so i dont realy care. Ive got musical talent.artistic. was a competitive surfer. Had lots of different jobs.traveled around australia twice. Survived alot. And what they have to offer isnt my cup of tea. Im sure if your more happy in your own skin.dating sites will get the boot too. Good luck. MAX

Online dating

geoff — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 22:06:10 GMT

hello Lonely, online dating sites, well do you get to visit the person who you have been talking about, let's say you're a male and looking for a female partner, so one appears and have been talking to a gorgeous looking person and decide to meet each other, how are you going to feel, anxious, frightened or will you back out of meeting her, too scared to follow through with it, well that's debatable, but what I'm trying to explain to you is that isn't this the same situation you have been in before.
I'm not trying to put you off online dating, but there are services which are only scams just to get your money, but you need to build up your self confidence and you can do this by talking to the opposite sex without any intention of asking them out, so that you will begin to feel confidence, maybe someone who is married and you don't feel that there is any obligation and then someone who is engaged and then someone who is single. Geoff.

Online dating

james1 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 00:05:38 GMT

Hi lonely22,

I'm 25 and I've been on online dating websites for the past....5 months? I'm reallllly average looking, and I have no good photos, so it's been frustrating at times. The ratio of m-f is really skewed so that makes it even harder.

I think the way I'd summarise it is: treat it as a way to get better at speaking to people you're interested in, but don't get your hopes too high.

I've probably had conversations with...10 people in that time and met up with 4. Of those 4, one I started dating properly for about 1 1/2 months, and just starting with another after the first got cold feet after a while. So not exactly "successful", but I only need one to be a keeper!

There's a lot of scam profiles, but it's quite easy to filter through. The main thing is just to be yourself, but also notice what you're not doing right.

Also, don't spend too much time on it. Live your life, and when you have downtime, give it a go. The most attractive thing is having your own interests!

James

Online dating

Lonely22 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 01:45:26 GMT

Sara,

Thank you for your reply, I'm 22, male. Never had a relationship, and as each year goes by I'm less confident in myself. I have interests, but nothing I've ever felt like I belong to (as in sub culture sort of thing), I'm a loner, really introverted, have difficult time making conversation w any1, I'm kind, sweet, compassionate, all of that supposedly good stuff, even showcased this to friends, people I like before asking them out and still rejected, I can't offer much more than what I have. ive always felt more comfortable with adults, they're just more mature and kind, so I've always thought that things would be alright if I'm patient, but now there's girls I really can't stop thinking about, want to be with, I don't see very often but I have no confidence to talk to. I'm still to meet likeminded people my own age willing to give me a chance.

Max,

I'm artistic as well, love painting, I'm a loner, but I'm also freakin lonely and depressed, it's only getting worse and I want to be with sone1, I just don't feel comfortable in public.

Geoff,

I feel like no matter how much practice I get in socialising, it doesn't change the fact that I look a certain way, speak a certain way, like my voice, and so it won't do me any good.

James,

This is great advice. It's good to know there are sites that can lead to opportunities like you've had, mind if I ask which site it is? Eharmony? I found this online dating site for people w mental health issues, no longer lonely .com not many Australians on there so it doesn't do much good atm.

Online dating

Quiettall — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 01:49:16 GMT

Hello

having had lengthy experience in the online dating world, there are scammers, fraudsters and fakes. But....there are the odd genuine ones. I have had my share of hard hits. I am not beautiful, handsome and feel a little boring at best.

However, I have had some success in the past, and my current partner comes from meeting and chatting for a long time on icq, and then meeting for coffee or meals for a while until things clicked.

Maybe focus on just meeting friends through sites like icq, yahoo messenger or whatever, and maybe down the track after weeding out the chaff, you will find the right person. Even if you dont, there is a way of building confidence in yourself if you keep genuine and dont fall into the trap of trying to sell yourself as something you are not.

I also agree with the previous post who says, dont make it a focus of your life....keep a balance and develop some real social outlets to enjoy fun.

Believe i n yourself...good luck and have a great Christmas. Keep posting

Cheers

Online dating

BluBelle — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 02:20:05 GMT

Hey Lonely22, I'm a girl and I've used dating websites for the past few years. I don't know what the ratio of men to women is, because I can only see the men. A couple of guys have told me that some profiles are fake. Usually it's an astoundingly beautiful woman and once you send a message, they'll reply asking to take the conversation to another website which is inevitably an escort service or a scam. I've always felt that objectively gorgeous girls don't really need to use dating websites anyway, so I imagine the fake profiles would be fairly easy to spot 🙂

As for me, I use them because I'm an introvert who doesn't go out much and when I do, I already tend to know everyone within my area or social circle. I'm also fat, so that is enough to disqualify me as a romantic prospect for a lot of men. I'm ok with that, everyone is allowed to have personal preferences for what they find attractive.

I get quite a lot of messages and see a lot of profiles. I don't want to be arrogant or judgemental but I ignore a lot of them. Most messages just say "Hey" and nothing else, which is fine if you're starting a conversation in real life but it's not enough to make you stand out from the pack online. I also get messages that someone has clearly copy/pasted to a hundred different women. My suggestion is to read a profile, find a point you have in common or find interesting and use that as a conversation starter. Eg: "Hey, is that photo of you with the tiger from Thailand? I'd love to go there some day" or "Great Parks and Recreation quote, that show is the best" etc. I'm also really drawn to profiles where the photos are of the person having fun and smiling in good light. Shirtless mirror selfies and photos of cars are a turn off for me. If you can spell and have a hint of humour, even better. It's a bit like a job interview, you put the best impression of yourself forward first 🙂 Having said all that, I don't see any reason why you couldn't put a small line in your profile letting people know that you're really shy and have a bit of social anxiety. There will be plenty of people out there who feel the same, and it takes some of the pressure/expectations off the first date.

Online dating

Just Sara — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 03:14:32 GMT

Hey and a really big welcome BlueBell!

I just had to reply to your amazingly insightful post hun. What wonderful advice; I couldn't have said it better myself.

I don't recall seeing your posts among the threads I journey on, but you HAVE to stick around to give more of that beautiful soul of yours. Wow! Peer support at its best...

You have a new admirer!

Sara

Online dating

white knight — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 04:05:39 GMT

I will walk my daughter down the aisle next June for marriage to a guy she met online through a dating service.

What is interesting is that after a few chats in line and they were interested in taking it further, they went on Skype and saw each other visually.

It worked.

Tony WK

Online dating

james1 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 04:16:15 GMT

Hey lonely22,

i prefer okcupid because sometimes you see some relatively detailed bio's which i prefer, rather than just a photo and one line.

It took me a while, but I got used to rejection. it's bound to happen, and isn't about you personally. the way i think about it, there are so many females in the world, and truth be told, i wouldn't settle for anyone either. so we're all picky, and it's just about tryign to find someone who'd pick you too, and there will be many out there 🙂

James

Online dating

kanga_brumby — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 04:52:13 GMT

Lonely22 Your not alone a lot of us have tried that line. Met some not meany of them truly represent themselves on both sides. You get put down by lots, rarely built up by some. Wast a lot of time and money.

Believe me when I say I met my dearly departed partner. ( mother to our 2 great kids) on internet dating. Unfortunately she got cancer and no longer with us. I still think it was a fluke. I am now a home body cannot get out to meet anywhere. So I feel for you.

May the Santa be with you.

Kanga

Online dating

Just Sara — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 06:52:48 GMT

Hey again Lonely Guy;

There's been great replies here and one of the best was from you! You've told us more than I guess you may have expressed in your online profile. I said when you talked some about yourself, I'd reciprocate with my story. So here goes;

After coming out, and feeling like the proverbial virgin all over again, a friend on here advised to visit a Gay dating site. I registered and set about looking at profiles. OMG! There were private parts all over my screen and profiles so explicit, I was embarrassed to look. So I sat back disheartened and waited without any expectations of finding a decent person.

4 days after signing up, I received my one and only msg from a woman wanting to know more; that was quite a few weeks ago. We had our first date last weekend and were both blown away. Who would'a thunk? lol

We're already planning our next get together and looking forward to it so much.

The thing is, I only put a few lines about myself being intelligent, caring and new to coming out, and that I wanted someone intelligent, patient and caring who I could be myself around. Nestled among those inappropriate profiles was a beautiful woman who fit the bill perfectly. More than romantic, we clicked as friends too.

What I'm trying to say, is that you need to think about who you want to be in your life more than criticising yourself for not being enough. We're the one's investing our time and effort too yeah? Settling for just anyone wouldn't suit either would it?

Low self image will cause setbacks. In your next post, would you tell us some positives about you? If it's easier, just give one word descriptions. Call it practice if you like. I for one would really enjoy getting to know you better.

Warm thoughts...Sara xo

Online dating

geoff — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 17:26:05 GMT

hi Lonely, one thing you have to realise is that if you go on an online dating late at night or early hours of the morning then the chance that any young beautiful ladies who are talking with you would be minimal. Geoff.

Online dating

BluBelle — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 00:37:21 GMT

Oh wow, thank you so much for your kind words Sara. Getting such a warm welcome like that is the best feeling! I'm so glad you shared your story, and I love the suggestion of posting positives.

Online dating

Just Sara — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 02:11:45 GMT

Hey BlueBelle;

You're so welcome hun! It's refreshing to read such great positive advice. We sorely need peep's like you to stick around and help out. And; when you need a hand, I'm more than happy to go the distance.

By the way, something you said did grind me a little. I hope you don't mind me saying as I'm a straight shooter. Please don't describe yourself as 'fat'. Beauty is a state of mind, and physical beauty is subjective. I find women who carry extra weight so attractive and soft; there are men who do too. Women aren't supposed to be muscle bound and 'firm'. Soft is sensual ok?

That's my rant for the day, I hope I wasn't disrespectful. You seem too nice to be putting yourself down.

Hey Lonely Guy;

I've seen your posts around the threads talking about self loathing and lack of confidence. Just remember, men like Stephen Hawking have beautiful partners who adore and love them to pieces. I don't hear people grumbling about his looks; it's irrelevant. Confidence is sexy!

Sara xo

Online dating

nowhereman — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 07:11:55 GMT

Picture this...women on dating sites with a big profile sign saying " FEED ME!!" lol they just want thier entertainment side of life paid for. And free meals... not one of them can hold a two way conversation cause its all about them. No wonder thier still solo. Lol Max

Online dating

Lonely22 — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 10:44:33 GMT

Quiettall: thank you for the advice and personal experience, I've never heard of icq but I'll look into anything at this point. It isn't a focal point in my life, but maybe that IS the problem, not dedicating enough time to improving myself, seeking friends online, etc.

WK: congratulations! That's wonderful news. I was asked on Skype once but I'm too self conscious about my voice, I don't speak clearly and it's different speaking face to face (being introvert) as it is having time to think and respond to questions, etc.

James: thanks again! I've looked at okcupid before but didn't use. I like the idea of holding back information, bio details so making conversation online, potential date is easier. When I get rejected, I don't feel as bad as I do when I don't ask a girl out, I just need to have courage to do so, rejection I can almost deal with (to an extent) b/c at least the person knows how I feel about them. I also hate the idea of settling for just any1, part of reason I never pursued relationships growing up, now I just see them as missed opportunities to develop my relationship, confidence skills.

Kanga: I'm sorry to hear about your wife, now must be a difficult time for you so I pray for you. That's very kind of you to say, you know I haven't really used online dating often, but you're right, I need to lower expectations I have of everything happening straight away, but learning of how you met gives me hope. Being a homebody sucks, on the other hand I'm comfortable and content being alone at times, just getting tired of it ... May Santa be with you and your children also 😄

Geoff: that's very true, I can see why, but at the same time I wouldn't mind girls that prefer to stay home late night, like me, good advice.

Max: that can't be all women, haha, but I see your point. As long as they give me a chance, at the very least it's practice for dating right, worth the cost in my book!

Online dating

Lonely22 — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 10:57:34 GMT

BluBelle,

As Sara said, your post was really helpful to me, to anyone in this situation. I really like to know personal experience with this kind of thing. Objectively georgious women don't use online dating? Well that can't be true, you've used fur a few years! From what you describe it sounds like you get positive response to your profile, and it's a good way of looking at it, as if your profile is a CV, I just don't want to raise expectations too much, I don't want to disappoint if I have a date, b/c truth is I'm unconfident and have no friends... But first impressions are everything right, and like you say it's important to take care in sending messages, anything impersonal or short is just inconsiderate.

So what sort of dates do you go on for first times? Does guy suggest?

Look forward to hearing back from you

Online dating

Lonely22 — Sun, 18 Dec 2016 02:20:11 GMT

Sara,

thats great you could connect with someone so soon. I hope nothing too disturbing on those sites! It has to make you anxious being in that situation, a proverbial virgin again that is. Wish you nothing but the best.

You're right, I need to be kinder to myself. I'm in a captivity of negativity. And I'm probably thinking too much about what I want to receive from a relationship, as opposed to working on what I can give, I just don't feel like there's much I can offer (there I go again, self loathing)...

positives? A councillor made me do this years ago, let's see.. Well you know I have a few interests, apparently that's appealing, I'm of course kind, sensitive, caring, good physical condition, athletic I guess you'd say... But many women value communication with their partner higher than character, even appearance, of course not all women, this is a generalisation and something I read.

You know what, rejection is one thing, but I am so anxious about actually dating that i was relieved last time I was turned down, it's the social anxiety thing. That's probably a different thread.

I hope your new relationship works out!