topic Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice in Relationship and family issues

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 00:36:54 GMT

I was in a 2yr relationship until 10 days ago.

In brief. He split from his marriage 3 months before we met me, his ex wife had affair with mate.

we both have kids & introduced them at the start they didn't get along and then they did. We didn't see each other much during week as I have son 12 out of 14 days and he has his one week on one week off. There was never any pressure on living with each other. We both accepted that could be something down the track when boys older. Two different kids etc. We had fun, good friendship, there for each other and on a physical level very well connected. We text and spoke every day. The last few months both had a bit going on. My friend was dying of cancer and I was there for her through her journey. Visited her in QLD. Etc and organised a wake for her in Melbourne. My boyfriend about 3 weeks ago purchased a property with large mortgage, had issues with his son and having issues with work meaning job on the line. He's been in his job only 10 weeks.

Since the purchase of his property I noticed changes which was only the past four weeks. He was becoming more angry towards me which wasn't like him to be so angry, he was putting me down about my job etc I said what is wrong with you. My head was spinning out of control. I said what is going on. He then said he can't deal with my son, doesn't want him around. I felt really hurt. He hadn't seen him for about two months.

after another chat with him on Friday just gone, Nothing was mentioned about My son. He said he hates Melbourne and people here, has done it again meaning he owns something that now owns him his mortgage. Issues with job, said initially he didn't want kids and is not enjoying having his son one week on and one week off due to son not listening or doing anything. His mum not helping or supporting him at all.

He likes control within his home

environment, doesn't like change, he is a home body and creature of habit. He gave me a hug when I left and wouldn't let me go. Sent text saying I love him and he text and said he feels like a monster.

he did say things that hurt me at the end but feel he's out of control of his life. He said he wants to be alone with no relationship and happy just him and his dog. I feel he's lashed out and not coping. Sent text Tuesday and said I do want to be there. He replied and said thanks your right I'm flat out. Just need advice if I be there or not. Is he depressed and lashed out? Do I be there

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 06:52:01 GMT

Hi Taylah. From the sounds of things your bf has bitten off slightly more than he can chew. Perhaps initially the property he purchased may have been in view of a future with you. It sounds as though things have gone slightly 'pear-shaped' and nothing has panned out quite the way he imagined. Often when things don't run to plan, it's seem easier to say I'd rather be alone than in a relationship. Perhaps, for now, back off and give him some breathing space. I would maybe text him now and again, just to say, 'hi, how are you?' Lashing out at you is simply because he has no-one else to hear him. It hurts, I agree and he shouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't tell him you love or miss him, this could add pressure which means further lashing. If he says he loves you, tell him you feel the same, but leave it at that. Yes, he is depressed, but till he acknowledges he feels depressed, the anger he feels will resurface if he feels pressurized into something he can't deal with.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 09:34:20 GMT

Hi Lynda,

thanks you that gives me some clarity. I feel yes he was lashing out and I do feel quite hurt. I even said what is making you so angry towards me as I haven't done anything so badly that's wrong.

initially he said he wanted a relationship without kids. I feel when he said that he doesn't understand that he has a son too. He won't accept his son has some learning issues etc... behind in school and very interverted.

Im definitely not making excuses for his lashing out. It was so hurtful the things he said when he's always pretty much been supportive.

he has always wanted to move to QLD and think he feels since his marriage split he is being held back from the things he wanted to do with his life. Initially he didn't want kids. He has one yes and deep down he would never move away from his son.

i think that's really good advice. Do you work for beyond blue or just read posts etc??

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 04:55:04 GMT

Hi Taylah. Sorry it's taken a while to reply. The BB forums were 'down' this morning, plus I have a volunteer job I do so I only just 'logged' on. With everything he is dealing with, plus having a son with 'special needs', he probably feels a bit 'snowed under'. You actually haven't 'done' anything, he just needs to lash out and you are on the receiving end. Once he starts feeling better about what he's doing, he will probably contact you and arrange to get together. If this does happen, try not to throw past issues at him. By that I mean, don't remind him of whatever was said in anger. If he apologizes accept it in good spirit. If he doesn't, but there's no repeats, let it go. You asked if I work for BB, I, like most others who reply, volunteer my help and just offer guidance based on my own life experiences. I have suffered depression to the point of attempting to end my life. Through BB's wonderful support and guidance, plus a special man in my life, I now try to give back, some of what was offered to me. I have been married, (3 times) divorced once, now just separated. I left him last year after 25 years of emotional abuse. I have two grown, married children, 5 g'children, one g'g'child. My children are not my ex hubby's. Their father ( my first hubby)sadly took his life over 40 years ago. There's not much I haven't seen or experienced, so I guess you could say I've 'been there, done that'. My dad was a chronic narcissist/alcoholic, mum was a non-caring emotionally abusive woman, both parents are deceased. I'm actually extremely happy in my life. My bf is a wonderful person who totally understands where I am.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 06:33:24 GMT

Wow that is full on, sure does sound like you have been there and done that.

his son has difficulties somewhat that he doesn't accept.

it's a hard one, I'll see what happens. I don't believe anyone else was involved.

just made my head spin when he lashed out. I was wow what is making him sooo angry.

he wanted a relationship without kids, then when I dropped his stuff off. He said are you not crushed you were at the beach the day after I told you it was over. Told him I was shattered. He gave me mixed messages. I said if you change your mind you know where I am. Whilst he was saying well you have my number and I have yours. Almost like he was saying I had ended it

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 06:55:35 GMT

Hi Taylah. Fathers often have problems when it comes to accepting their children have needs they can't understand or fulfil. Most fathers who have sons envisage a life of playing cricket/football, doing things with their sons other fathers take for granted. When the son has needs and this is not fully foreseen, the father is usually quite disappointed. Half of him wants to blame everyone/someone, the other half shuts off, rather than deal with it. He needs someone to tell him 'it's not your fault', so he can blame someone else. Getting angry because you were at the beach means, to him, you seem to be enjoying yourself, while he can't. Yes, he's angry and yes, he's lashing out. He's angry with himself and lashing out because it's easier than admitting he has taken on more than he can handle. I don't feel he wants to 'end it', he doesn't know what to do and his pride means he can't or won't ask for help. I think for now, the only and best thing you can do is distance yourself and let him work it out for himself. You need to protect yourself from his anger and he needs help. Next time he contacts you, if it is a continuation of anger/resentment, tell him sorry you feel so bad, but I can't help you at this time. Perhaps also ask him not to contact you till he feels less angry. You don't need his anger, he needs to deal with and face it.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 07:36:21 GMT

Thanks,

you give great advice.

yes he said that about the beach last Friday as I had gone there to drop his stuff off. I sat calmly with him and there was no anger. That's when he mentioned all the things he wasn't happy about in his life. It was upsetting when I left I cried and cried and hugged him as the same he did me. That's why I think someone who doesn't want you doesn't do that. I got in the car and text "I still love you" he messaged back and said "I feel like a monster". I text him the next day and said I know your life is situational but a visit to the dr might benefit you food for thought. Then in the text said I don't have to get a reply.

on Tuesday I text and said "I know you have a lot going on, I do want to be there for you and enjoy the rest of your week"

his response was " thanks nezz (my nickname) your right I am flat stick. So I responded with " in hearingyou" and have left it since.

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 08:41:48 GMT

Taylah. That's fantastic news. To accept he needs help, to admit he hurt you. I'm absolutely over the moon for you. The best thing you can do is what you have decided, leave it. He knows you are there, the ball's in his court. Have a fantastic, wonderful weekend, hope he contacts you and says what you want to hear. He does love you and I'm sure he will say that when the time is right for him.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 09:13:51 GMT

Thanks, well I just sent him the text saying the visit to the DR might benefit you.

then the Tuesday I sent the other one saying I do want to be there for you.

I guess he hasn't shut me out. I'm sure he's not sending it just to be nice.

Thank you I will. My son got awarded school house captain for next year so am pretty happy about that.

You have a nice weekend too. It helps to get an outsiders perspective

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 05:59:31 GMT

My head wouldn't stop today ggggrrrrr. I so wanted to send a text today but didn't.

Its so hard. Over analysing ahhhh.

I thought more my friend who died of cancer chose me to be there for her journey. My BF got his house on the 17th Nov and she passed away the 20th. Even when he said it was over he still wanted to be there for her wake but I didn't want him to come.

whatshard is my friends they think I shouldn't message him again as if he wants to chat etc then he will send one.

one of my male friends said if he's down and out he won't want to message as he won't know how I will react

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 06:16:17 GMT

Hi Taylah. I agree with your mates on this issue. Your bf will text you as and when he is ready to. He knows you love him and will be there for him. I know it's hard on you, this is where you need to focus on you. Do you have people you can 'chill out' with? If he messages and he is feeling low, he could say something unintentionally to hurt you. It's better when you're not feeling well, to not talk rather than say something hurtful. The saying 'no news is good news' comes into it's own here. In other words if he feels bad, it's not a good time to talk, if he's feeling great he will chat. No news means just that: nothing to say, no changes.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Sun, 18 Dec 2016 01:58:34 GMT

Yes I have good friends to support me and do things to keep busy.

I actually rang him this morning and he answered so just said I'm ringing to see how you are. We just chatted about our weeks.

asked what he was doing Xmas day and he said he's got options although can't be bothered doing anything.

I was going to put something out there to him for Christmas Day but thought at this stage I would leave it.

i then suggested that I don't have my son this week if he wanted to do dinner or something. He sounds pretty vulnerable.

I just said I do care about you and then he said I do care too.

just said to him the offer is there and he said he would let me know during the week

so hopefully he does

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 06:23:56 GMT

Hi again,

if he doesn't respond as per above do I just leave it now, or if he doesn't respond about dinner this week do I call him Thursday or Friday or leave it

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 07:18:58 GMT

Hi Taylah. He is making your life quite miserable, you seem to be the one reaching out all the time. His depression is making it difficult to focus on anything at the moment. I'm honestly wondering if he really is worth the effort you appear to be making. Sorry, but you really need to leave him be. He knows you're there, he will call when he's ready. I think for you to keep calling him, you could actually drive him away as he could get a bit nasty if he thinks he is under pressure to keep contacting you. I know it's hard, you honestly care for him, he is just not ready to connect with anyone at this time. I kind of feel you need to try to make your own plans and put him on the 'back burner' for now. You don't actually have a relationship at this time. If he does contact you, I would refrain from asking him anything about his plans. I would be inclined to just say 'hi, hope all is going okay for you' and leave it there. I do understand how frustrating it is for you, but the more you push him, the more he will back away.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 07:39:06 GMT

Ok, I guess your right.

ive put it out there for him. So guess I just have to let it go for now. It does hurt. I guess he didn't shut me out when he answered the phone to me.

is it worth sending a merry Christmas text or just leave it?

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 08:41:33 GMT

Hi Taylah. I'm so sorry for you, you sound so lost and alone in this. It wouldn't hurt to send a quick, 'thinking of you, merry Xmas' text. I would just sign it love, Taylah. If he chooses to answer in a similar fashion, 'merry Xmas to you too', leave it at that. Perhaps once Xmas is over, he might start feeling better. Quite often Xmas can bring out depression, people feel more vulnerable and lost over the period. Even married couples get overwhelmed with Xmas and all the emotions that seem to accompany it.

I'm experiencing similar problems with my bf atm. I sort of feel I'm being 'shut out' too. I just have to accept he is struggling with his emotions and wait till he feels better. I understand what his problems are, but like you, I have to be patient and just get on with my life.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 09:10:06 GMT

Yes I guess, I do feel a bit lost with it all and alone a little. I'm ok though up and down. I know he is the one that initially ended it. I guess I don't want him out of my life, that comes to my insecurities as I've lost a few people the past few years.

i just hope he contacts me that's ideally what I want. I will live my life just feel anxious because it's the not knowing feeling.

yes Christmas is a hard time. Hope your BF comes around too....

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

pipsy — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 10:34:25 GMT

Hi Taylah. Sometimes we cling rather than face what is there. I'm sure with my bf, he will 'come round'. He is struggling a bit with an emotional turmoil. I'm equally sure your bf will get in touch once he feels better. Depression is quite a powerful negative emotion and when it hits, it is quite unmerciful. The emotion leaves you feeling like a wrung out dishmop and sometimes the need for sleep is overpowering too. If your bf does decide to end it, there is a couple of things you could do. One would be to respect his wishes and leave him alone, the other is to let him know you are there when he's ready. If he decides to finish, it could be his emotional turmoil is such that he could feel guilty about 'dragging you down' to his level. At the same time, however, I wouldn't let him use you just as a sounding board alone. If he just contacts you to 'bounce ideas off', I would be inclined to let him know you have feelings too and you are not going to be used and 'dumped'. That would be totally disrespectful and would hurt you more.

Lynda

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 23:13:47 GMT

Initially he did end it as he thought something should be said.

then said he wanted me to come up with solutions etc. when it ended I dropped his stuff which he said he wasn't in a hurry for it to get back. That's when he gave me the mixed messages about me enjoying myself and didn't want me to go to over 28's as I do enjoy getting out and he knows that potentially I may do that. I just felt he didn't want to end it. Then looking from the outside I thought with all that was going on he isn't in a good place. then looking at things he had said like I hate Melbourne, I hate people don't trust anyone etc. I asked if he trusted me and he said he did. So initially I felt he didn't really want to end things he just isn't coping

Should I be there or am I wasting my time, need some advice

Taylah75 — Tue, 20 Dec 2016 23:18:20 GMT

He also said you have my number and I have yours. I did say if you change your mind I'm here. After seeing that I think is depressed is when I said I do want to be there.

just to give an opputunity for another face to face chat if he is ok to advise him to get help at dr only if time right of course