topic Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection in Relationship and family issues

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 09:25:10 GMT

As per thread title. I'm basically a loner, and don't like relying on other people for things or having them involved in personal things that I'm doing. Sometimes I feel lonely and like I need a meaningful connection or help to deal with things or even get motivated. And sometimes I feel like every interaction is an imposition, that people are willfully misunderstanding me and changing topics in a way that shuts down anything I wanted to say, that I'm so disconnected from everyone, that an act of violence could either reconnect or sever the connection altogether.

Today I'm in between both of those feelings.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

blondguy — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 22:42:40 GMT

Hi Spark

Good topic. I am a loner as well. I understand where you are coming from. Having a connection with some (or even 1 or 2) people is always healthy as we can have a good vent. A great way to get rid of toxins

I know you dont like relying on other people for things but sometimes all of us can benefit from a 'connection' so we can offload. They may want to offload their thoughts to you as well. Life being a 2 way street its usually the way it goes.

Do you have anyone that you can discuss what you like doing whether its computers, the NBN...politics...movies?

What topics do people shut you down on when you are trying to have a yak? If its ok for me to ask of course

It can be frustrating when people cut us off mid topic and alter our discussion topic.

Even though you have been around the forums for a while now Spark, we all need someone to have even a basic connection with. My depression also presents its own frustrations for me too

Being lonely can be a pain though....I hear you there Sparkvark

you are not alone here though....even if its computer based...its still a good way to have a yarn 🙂

my best

Paul

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Just Sara — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 23:14:07 GMT

Hey Sparky! Nice to see you again...

You can vent, purge or chat with me anytime you like hun; I'm a good listener. And loneliness...don't get me started! It hurts heaps to feel ignored. Anger? I hear you, I've felt just like that many times and had to walk away.

My expectations have lowered when it comes to 'those' people. I just watch their mouths move these days.

(btw..great response Paul!)

Take it easy Sparky and have a wonderful day...

Sara (Alias Dizzy, Sara Conna)

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Boo1986 — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 00:27:32 GMT

Hi Sparkvark,

I often struggle with feelings of loneliness too, and mostly distrust people so do not want to get too close to them. I feel that many of my social interactions benefit the other person but people are not interested in my needs... they just want their needs met.

For me, the best solution was to get a dog. I struggle to find people to trust, or whose intentions are good, but I find animals completely trustworthy. They provide companionship because they want to. They don't judge, criticise or abandon you. They are honest about the things they want out of the relationship eg when you are eating something they want some too etc. It is really nice for me just to have some company while I'm watching TV... someone to cuddle, another body in the room.

Something to consider 😃

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Chris_B — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 00:40:11 GMT

sparkvark said:
I'm so disconnected from everyone, that an act of violence could either reconnect or sever the connection altogether.

Hi sparkvark, we're a bit worried by this part of your post. Could you please let us know what you mean? Are you considering harming yourself or others?

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 10:00:54 GMT

Hi Paul. Yeah I see how having people to connect with can be important. It just seems hard. Even now just writing this is difficult. Trying to make sure I'm hearing everyone out and responding to what they're saying. I have an online partner but our interests are quite different so it's hard to discuss them in any sort of depth. It's also not a very equal relationship as they are constantly wanting my company whereas I sometimes feel resentful of the time I give them.

Shutdown topics vary - usually because it's not a common interest. But I'm not at the level of being able to discuss the interest with other people who are interested. And I so infrequently have anything to say about anyone else's chosen topic of conversation so I get what's coming to me. However even forum threads that are on my chosen topic feel difficult to maintain conversation flow so it's not just about having the topic shut down. So I'm not sure if the forums are going to be part of the solution or not.

Hey Sara, good to hear from you again. I've occasionally been silently reading your 'Getting to know me' thread and I'm glad that you still have that space where you can talk though things that are on your mind with some likeminded people. Thanks for the offer and for letting me know how you relate. I once read someone's opinion that being ignored was the shortest path to insanity. Can't say I disagree. Hope your day was good too.

Hi Boo1986, thanks for the suggestion. It's great that your dog helps fill that need for companionship. Animals are great 🙂 Is that you and your dog in your profile pic? What breed? I'd like a dog but it wouldn't be fair to keep even a small one cooped up in my apartment. I don't fancy the idea of an indoor only cat, and can't imagine having another type of pet. But it's alright, the neighbourhood dogs make enough noise and I can see some of them from the balcony, plus see my parents' dog on skype.

Hey Chris. Thoughts yes, intent no. Acknowledged that if it becomes a real problem I'd be encouraged to get help elsewhere.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

blondguy — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 11:39:35 GMT

Hi Spark

Thanks heaps for posting back! You make a good point that it can be difficult to post even on these forums.

I joined in January 2016 and just posting on someone else's thread was difficult for me at the time...Seriously

You have more courage than I did to create your own thread as early as you have.

Your thoughts/posts are just as important as anyone else's on the forums 🙂 Even if you just want to have a talk about whatever you wish 🙂

You are an important part of the Beyond Blue Forum Family Spark!

We are here for you, no worries at all

my kind thoughts

Paul

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 07:04:36 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your reply. It seems like you've made a good difference here and helped a lot of people in the time you've spent on the forums.

Posting on other people's threads seems like it would be harder than just creating one 😛 I participated on a different forum and got used to the idea there, so I've had some practice.

I'm not sure what I want to say here really. Moaning about what's going on in my head has never been productive, and I don't have anything else worth talking about either.

I dunno. Thanks anyway Paul.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

mechanical_animal — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 07:22:52 GMT

You're not alone when it comes to loneliness. i feel like that all the time. plus every friend i get close to seems to hurt me after awhile. I did have a very good friend to talk too once about stuff but now... shes gone. i don't think i'll ever hear from her again. my fault thou i guess. It's hard to talk to people. no one seems interested or you get ignored

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 09:50:56 GMT

Sorry to hear about losing your friend mechanical animal. I hope you can find another friend to fill that place - you did it once, so it's not beyond possibility. What do you normally do to handle loneliness?

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Boo1986 — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 01:12:45 GMT

Hi again Sparkvark 🙂

In my photo you can see Sarge, my beautiful boy who passed away nearly a year ago. His passing shattered me, he was bitten by a tiger snake and died at the vet later that night after they had tried everything. I don't think I will ever get over it, I wear his tag on a chain every day. I had him cremated because I am only renting and don't want to bury him somewhere and then have to leave him next time I move. When I pass away I want to be created and our ashes kept together forever. It sounds kind of morbid, but I just want to be with my boy.

After struggling with his loss I came across a facebook page for a rescue dog in foster care desperately needing a 'Forever Home'. She looked so much like Sarge I thought it was a sign I should adopt her. I wrote to the rescue group and she came to my home for a trial run to see if she would settle in to life with me and I have been in love with her ever since.

Holly is the happiest dog I have ever known, it is like she knows what would have happened if she couldn't have been rehoused. She appreciates every day and all the love and attention I give her. It has been a really beautiful experience. Both Sarge and Holly are American Staffy. So loving but often misunderstood (perhaps my attraction to the breed). There are some much smaller breeds that may be suited to an apartment, and strangely enough greyhounds actually make really good pets too. They are really lazy 99% of the time and enjoy a quick run every now and then. They will happily sit/sleep for most of the time so need very little space, but like to get a quick run in and then quickly tire again. Maybe worth looking into 🙂 I know there are heaps always looking for a good home and have so much love to give 🙂

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Serenna — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 02:46:37 GMT

Hi sparkvark

You have raised a very interesting topic. I have felt like a loner since my mum died when I was young and have always found it very difficult to connect with others. I too like some connection but not too much. When I force myself to try to connect I've found the smallest most insignificant acts to be the most successful. Things like walking the dog the same route every day and saying hello to people in their front yards and other dog walkers. Walkers seem to say hello in the early mornings, not other times of the day! Having a coffee at the same place also works in the same way. I am about to retire from work and will lose that connection so I think these small attempts will become even more important. I also read fiction to handle loneliness - just take myself to another place completely.

It is difficult to post on these forums - this is my first real reply to anyone after quite a few attempts!

Take care.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Guest_322 — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 03:13:48 GMT

Hi Sparkvark,

I saw your thread earlier and wanted to post. But I was hesitant as I wasn't sure if I had anything meaningful or constructive to add (not that that has ever really stopped me before).

My joking aside, you're obviously very self sufficient. But even the most self reliant of us usually crave some form of human connection (think it's in our wiring, you know).

I guess my 2 cents is that there is a difference between a connection and a meaningful connection. I could easily be wrong- feel free to correct me- but I'm guessing part of your struggle is that the latter is missing.

I mean, just because you have some form of company (online or otherwise), it doesn't mean that they're necessarily the right "fit" for you and vice versa. I would know...I have a gazillion offline friends yet still feel ridiculously lonely.

As for your online partner, you've pretty much said it all. There's some sort of disconnect between you and your partner.

Maybe you just haven't found your "tribe" yet. By tribe, I just mean "x" number of people that you truly click with, you know.

Over and out.

Dottie x

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 10:44:04 GMT

Hey Boo 1986 I’m sorry to hear about Sarge. I think the tag chain and keeping his ashes are a nice way to remember him. It’s amazing that you found Holly at a time you needed her. They both sound like wonderful dogs.

I haven’t had much experience with American Staffies. My family had the other type of Staffy cross Cattle dog when I was growing up, and they’ve got another Staffy cross now. The only time I met an American Staffy was the weekend when a lost/wandering one without a tag decided to hang out on our street so we let him in the yard to stay safe while finding his owner. He was quite young and seemed like a good dog. Can’t remember what we named him for the weekend but his real name was Lucia. 😛

I’m not sure, there’s still something about having a dog in an upstairs apartment that doesn’t sit right with me. But thanks for the idea. I didn’t know that about greyhounds.

Serenna, thanks for choosing my thread to make your first “real reply” 🙂 That’s a big step and I appreciate it. Those sound like some good ways to maintain contact with people, especially if you soon won’t be working. Congratulations on your upcoming retirement 🙂 Haha I’ve also noticed that about morning walkers being more likely to say hello, though it's been some time since I've been for a morning walk. Hope you have been having a good day.

Hi Dottie123, thanks for joining in on the thread. I haven’t seen an unconstructive post from you yet, so no worries there 🙂

Yeah you’re right about the quality of the connection being part of the problem. But I’m not sure how to be quality company for someone else, so by rights I can expect the same in return. It sucks that you’re feeling lonely too. Sorry to hear that.

Haha anyone in my “tribe” would have to be a pretty strange person. The tribe meeting is at 8:45pm, in the middle of an empty road. Anyone coming better bring their lyric sheets because it’s song night, every night.

Random blah stuff:

Tonight I’m a combination of sad and angry. More sad, which is a break from the violent thoughts. One would think that’d be a 100% good thing, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t bring a sense of thrill and excitement.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

blondguy — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 14:26:11 GMT

Hey Spark

I agree with your thoughts to Boo1986

Boo, Like Spark I am sorry for your loss. Sarge had your heart and vice versa. 12 months or 12 days ago would contain the same level of pain. My Alaskan Malamute (Harley 2 Sox) passed in 2008. Its not morbid re Sarge's ashes being buried with you. My snow dog's ashes will be buried with me. I hear you.

Thanks Spark for letting me stick my 'beak' in

I hope your Saturday is good to you

Paul

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark — Sat, 28 Jan 2017 11:54:55 GMT

Sorry to hear about your Harley 2 Sox too Paul. Pets hold a special place in the hearts and minds of those who are lucky enough to share their lives with them.

Hope you're having a good weekend as well.

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

blondguy — Sat, 28 Jan 2017 21:27:05 GMT

Thanks Spark..He was a huge Malamute....The big dogs dont usually live too long unfortunately...

Really appreciate your understanding

Paul

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Guest_322 — Sun, 29 Jan 2017 20:45:47 GMT

Hi Sparkvark,

Apologies for the late response. I had a busy weekend and tried catching up on threads yesterday...till I ran out out of time and had to start getting ready for a party. Anyways...

Your sad/angry thoughts do sound very unsettling for you. To swing from sadness and anger would be very draining.

I don't know you very well but I wonder if sadness is atthe heart of the problem. I think it's often been said that anger is a "secondary emotion" like lots of people who are sad or even depressed express it in anger (like my dad). Just something random that I thought about but feel free to reject this idea if you think it's not relevant- no biggie.

Ha, ha if your "tribe" meets for nightly music-a-thons, I'm sure there'll be many people lining up to join!

Yeah, quality connections are a 2 way street (as you mentioned). I don't know...maybe you could try figuring out what you would want in another person for him/her to be quality company to you, and then try to speak/behave/act in the same way that you would like others to treat you (?) I'm just randomly throwing ideas out there. You're under no obligation to do as I'm suggesting of course (Dottie states the blatantly obvious).

Thanks, you're very generous. I can assure you that I definitely have moments where I'm talking complete and utter trite ha, ha.

Boo and Paul, I'm sorry about Sarge and Harley 2 Sox. It must have been extremely painful to say goodbye to them. Sometimes animal friends understand things that human ones don't understand.

Dottie x

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Boo1986 — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 03:56:16 GMT

Hi again Sparkvark, thanks for understanding 😃 They are very special to me.

I'm curious about your feelings, both sad and angry but more sad... was there something that bought this on or just one of those feelings you can't shake?

Depression often makes me feel angry but powerless to change the situation that made me angry, so then all that's left is sad. Sometimes there was no situation that caused the feeling of anger, therefore there is definitely no way to change it, so then again, the sadness comes.

I find it really difficult to 'snap out of' this sort of thing, as much as people say to, but I just can't although I really do try. For me, sometimes it is just a matter of time passing and eventually the feeling will fade. I have my good days and my bad days, I enjoy the good days as much as possible and just brace myself for the bad days.

I sometimes used to worry that I would get so angry I might act on that anger, either toward myself or others. Fortunately I am not the violent type but the symptoms I was experiencing really had nothing to do with my usual self at all, so I decided if I was feeling this way I would have some steps in place to avoid doing something I would regret. I would keep away from others for a short time so I would not hurt them. When I was feeling the worst, I would only talk on the phone or messages etc because I didn't want anyone to see me face to face for fear I might get too angry. I have it completely under control now so there is hope for everyone 😃

In other situations where there is an issue which I can fix, for example if someone is upsetting me with their behaviour, I speak to them (or write to them as I find it easier to express myself in writing) and if they do not change that behaviour I will simply stop seeing them (I didn't speak to my father for a few years) or if I have to interact with them (like people at work) I avoid anything more than work related conversations.

It may sound harsh but it is important that you are happy, and if someone is making you unhappy they do not deserve your time or attention.

If it is just a general feeling, I find that doing volunteer work really helps my mood in general. It makes me feel connected to like-minded people 😃

Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

Boo1986 — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 04:00:42 GMT

Thanks blondguy, sometimes I think that people will just think I'm a crazy dog person, but I'm glad you get it. I'm so sorry for your loss, hopefully Sarge and Harley 2 sox have made friends and they will be playing together at rainbow bridge 😃 (it's my favourite poem but I cry every time I read it)