topic Cheated on me in Relationship and family issues

Cheated on me

SydneyKat — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 16:39:10 GMT

So all this time I thought he was having just an emotional affair, people told me otherwise and I didn't believe it. Now the guilt has hit him and he told me he slept with her a handful of times, he said he couldn't keep the secret any longer. He seems to be deciding between me (wife of 6 yrs and 18 yrs partners in total) with young child and the other woman . The ex partner of the woman actually contacted me and told me all, but u was unsure at the time , he also said she is a woman who goes for taken men (who does that right?!) this is her 3rd time, he also told me other bad traits of hers . My husband seems to be discovering pieces of this but doesn't believe everything either ( deluded, wants to believe she was the one for him, she was there for him to talk, he'd been bottling up feelings for a while, that were over years against me , I'd call them niggling things about me, eg me cleaning too much , not getting right brand of something ).

Am I insane for contemplating the idea of what if he asks to come back ? He says he has been thinking about it but doesn't know what to do still. Or do I just burn everything of his and tell him not come near me again

Cheated on me

geoff — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 17:32:20 GMT

dear Kat, I believe that this has been a worry for quite awhile, and now the truth has come out by the person he was having an affair with, and even though it was something you dreaded now it has been confirmed.
What can happen when someone is depressed is that they want to talk to someone else, who is not involved in your relationship with him, so as they tell this other person more and more, then a relationship starts because there maybe hugs and kisses just for support, until it then leads onto becoming a real meaningful relationship, that leads onto having an affair.
If you take him back then how are you to know if he's not talking to her again or perhaps someone else, so that's a massive gamble you have to take on.
There's a big differenece between talking to a psych where absolutely nothing could ever possibly happen, except for counselling, than talking to another person which then leads onto having an affair, so it's something you have to decide, but I know if I was stilled married my wife would have kicked out and filed for divorce, just like I would have done if it happened with her.
If you do take him back you will always be thinking what he is doing when he's not at home. Geoff. x

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SydneyKat — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 20:52:15 GMT

Geoff,

for a while you suspected he has depression , do you really think he did/does? I wonder if he had the depression and then did like you said. I also told him that simply talking to someone can create this scenario .

I am scared about what to do , whether to take him back and would he do this again and how do I know this wouldn't happen again . A lot of trust would have to be re-built . Do you know of anyone who has taken them back and how did it go? Other readers out there have you taken your husband back after an affair ? Did u succeed? Am so scared of it happening again but for some reason I can't let him go , I am still drawn to him.

Cheated on me

pipsy — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 21:10:48 GMT

Hi SydneyKat. Can I offer my two cents worth here? Depression, as Geoff pointed out often makes the sufferer talk to someone other than their spouse as emotions don't come into a 'third party' who has nothing to gain. The third party offers the inevitable shoulder to cry on, the depressed person starts turning more and more to offered shoulder, eventually building up a scenario where they believe third party is interested. Sometimes an affair is the result of the constant contact. Spouse of depressed person finds out about the affair, causing more problems. You are now asking if you should consider reconciliation? Perhaps you feel at this stage, his company is better than no company. I think, like Geoff says, how long before you start asking where he is, did he work back as he said? You could suggest he seek professional counselling before you even consider reconciliation. I think perhaps an ultimatum, either he seeks counselling, or no dice on reconciliation. Maybe even suggest marriage counselling. Sometimes people deserve a second chance, only you know how you really feel.

Lynda

Cheated on me

geoff — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 22:32:24 GMT

dear Kat, what Lynda has said I agree with, you can punish yourself whether you want to take him back in, but once again with the 'bashed wife syndrome', the husband brings home chocolates and flowers to make up and always says it won't happen again, but of course it does over and over again, so all the husband's promises and pleas never will come true, so the wife leaves, but she still loves him and hopes that he will help, so by you denying him access to be with you again doesn't mean that your love stops, but you are unable to trust him anymore.
We all marry because we love and trust our new spouse, but once this trust has been broken, then how is it able to believe something he has said that you don't believe, doubt or query.
There are too many unanswered doubts that will never be answered, all the 'what if's' or even 'why' when he tells you something that isn't logical and so an argument begins, and then you're back to square one.
This won't mean that your love will stop, but you can't live a life like this, too much uncertainty. Geoff.

Cheated on me

pipsy — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 23:32:17 GMT

Hi S.K. I left my hubby last year after 25 years of the emotional 'battered wife' syndrome Geoff mentioned. In my case he wasn't cheating, but his parents came first, second and sometimes third in our 'marriage'. I put the word marriage in speech marks because the marriage turned out to be a farce. It was legal, but not binding. Everytime his parents wanted him, he would run. Their treatment of me was verbally abusive, questioning, put downs etc. My ex stood back and allowed this, so I became a battered wife. Like you, I wrestled with should I stay, should I go etc. Eventually, through these forums and the help of a special friend, I came to the same conclusion that nothing was going to change and if it did, it wouldn't be for long. My ex often informed me I was overreacting, stupid, sensitive etc. When I first left, I cried myself to sleep for a week. Guilt was there, in my face. It's been a year and my confidence has soared. I realized early, that if I returned, I would return to the reasons I left. Geoff has pointed out the 'hearts and flowers' routine, my ex too would've initially showered me, but then, his parents beckon and away he goes. Initially the decision to leave or ask him to leave is painful, but leaving things as they are with hopes of getting better seldom happens unless both people want the same thing. I have no doubts my ex would gladly have me back - back being the operative word. Back to what I left. His parents are both in a rest home. This means he possibly sees them more often due to their advanced age and the guilt trip they display.

Lynda

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SydneyKat — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 12:07:52 GMT

I suggested counselling, but he says just we should work it out , no one else. He also said he is mentally fine, but I don't think so, I think it's like Geoff described , I think that's how it started (the affair) and I agree that's why counsellors are important because it doesn't go into sexual world. I feel like he's started treating me like an idiot and started domineering me. I am a smart university educated woman, what's wrong with me to take this? I am scared I will do or say wrong things all the time, I can't begin to relax and be happy. Sorry can't type well right now. I feel like I have broken down into numbness. I dropped another kilo again, , too skinny and don't like that , lost some size in the important area too. At what stage do u start taking meds? My doctor asked me last week did I want some I said no, but i can't continue feeling numb sad shit , i want to feel happy

Cheated on me

geoff — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 17:13:48 GMT

dear Kat, you shouldn't be scared in making any wrong comments or decisions, why, well because he's the one that is to blame, not you, he has broken the trust trying to hide it behind your back, has lied, but was enjoying himself by having two ladies in his life, sorry, but that's what was happening, and now that your weight has dropped is certainly a worry.
You should think about starting the med's, it may only be for a few months just to get you stabilised, because if you keep on losing any more weight then you will need to be taken to hospital, so that nutrients and vitamens can be given to you by a drip, but you can avoid any of this, where your doctor may want you to see a dietitian.
I hope that you see how concerned we are for you. Geoff. x

Cheated on me

pipsy — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 19:20:55 GMT

Hi Kat. Your hubby is playing exactly the same as my ex. He's putting you in the driver's seat. My ex suffers from a 'guilt complex'. His parents brought six kids up with the belief that because they are the parents, their needs outweigh their children's rights for a life of their own. Your hubby believes that he has the same right, in that if he decides to have an affair, that is his right. He has a very chauvinistic outlook on marriage and women in general. He has caused you so much anxiety, your health is suffering. He possibly would see a counselor, may even agree with everything the counselor suggests, but it would be a 'face' agreement. In other words, he would agree, but he won't actually stick with the agreement, because he can't. He is an habitual cheater and is addicted to that life. He won't ever settle with one woman as his makeup won't allow him to. My health suffered terribly too, I couldn't eat, sleep. I would walk the floor wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was getting. You did nothing wrong, except put your faith and hopes in the wrong man, as I did. This is not your fault. I hear the pain you're in, I was exactly the same. Once I decided to leave, the guilt I had was unbelievable. However, I stuck to my guns, and a year later, I am now enjoying my life. I no longer feel guilty for leaving something I never actually had. I do have someone else in my life, but it's an online relationship as living with someone is not 'me'. I have met the man I am involved with. Please take care of your health, don't let him hurt you anymore.

Lynda

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mr1 — Sun, 25 Dec 2016 08:07:16 GMT

'Once a cheat , always a cheat'. Move on girl.

Cheated on me

SydneyKat — Sun, 17 Feb 2019 05:00:32 GMT

UPDATE
My ex husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We have a home and a primary aged daughter. Almost 2.5 years ago he started an affair, he moved out to be with her, they have been on overseas holidays together multiple times, to his family functions, they've also broken up a few times, and recently I found out he got her pregnant but made her abort. In the early stages of the affair, he broke it off with her and came back home, that lasted about 2 months , he went back to her.

Last year he said he'd be back "at the end of the month" which would come and go , no actions, he's been saying that for most of the 2.5yrs. At the end of last year he divorced me, saying it would change our "dynamic" and we could start from scratch, he believed if married then it creates power for the woman. He has now said let's start again (I think mostly for our child). He says he's now realised importance of family and that he made a mistake. However , he has also asked for rings back if I don't go back, he's asked for rent for living in our joint owned house (he took it out if child support money he privately gives me), he's asked for money for somethings he paid for in the house before leaving 2.5 yrs ago. he speaks about having no savings because he pays child support and rent and bills (he's on about three times my wage and Pays for things jointly with the woman he's living with , and at home I pay for all my bills on my own).
up until the divorce I was able to forgive and restart and go to counseling etc , none of which he was interested in, my heart still had love for him even though we went through all that. But now since the divorce, im no longer officially attached to him and I found the surprising thing that my heart is/has changed (the divorce is not just a piece of paper to me). I even began to think about dating and went on one date.
I feel like he did all that to me, then officially let me go , how would it even work, would romantic spark come back, sex awkward maybe? Same arguments maybe? I have major trust issues with him. I have been through a lot to personally recover from this situation, and am still healing. Is going on the one date confusing me ? I used to want my family back together but now I think do I really want such a man back in my life ?

Does anyone know anyone where it has worked? whether it is at all possible (I feel for my child, I feel so sorry for her missing out on her dad everyday). The way I said to proceed to see if it could work is: he move out from his gf house, rent on his own, we date and see how it goes and go into relationship therapy. What he wants: move straight back in, and is hestitant about therapy. I don't know what's best for daughter: am I providing a bad example for my daughter by taking him back and on the other hand I don't want my daughter to miss out on dad at home.....my ex is pressuring me to decide as I think his gf is pressuring fir him to decide.

I don't know what to do, I think no other woman would have a bar of it.am I crazy for even considering this??

Cheated on me

Guest_7403 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 07:41:00 GMT

Find yourself a real man, your ex husband is a pig

Cheated on me

SydneyKat — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 16:53:40 GMT

Would you consider it under any correspondence?

Cheated on me

Guest_7403 — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 21:45:17 GMT

Not for one second.

The fact he's still with her tells you everything you need to know

Cheated on me

JessF — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 22:07:42 GMT

SydneyKat said:Would you consider it under any correspondence?

Hello SydneyKat, after nearly 20 years with this man in your life it must be difficult to imagine a life without him, otherwise why would you have continued to endure through all this. Even just reading back to the start of this thread, it feels like this situation has not moved much in the past three years.

I feel as though (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that you're hoping that by posting on the forum we will reply and validate your choices in some way. That's not something that I am willing to do. I will observe though that just by posting here in the way that you have been says to me that you are unsure that this is the best possible life for you and are in the early stages of wondering how things might be different or better for you in the future.

Staying stuck where you are may not be ideal, but it is familiar, and perhaps it seems less frightening to you than making big changes. Perhaps you feel that cutting ties with this man would somehow invalidate a large chunk of your life, and open up a wardrobe full of tears, resentment and grief at lost possibilities. That may be so.

But perhaps have a think about the consequences of not making a change. Imagine it is ten years down the track, and you are posting here on the forums again asking these same questions. The only difference is that you are now ten years older. Is that a place you really want to find yourself in? Best wishes.

Cheated on me

quirkywords — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 22:16:46 GMT

Sydneykat,

I have just read all your posts over the years and you are a very patient and kind person.

Only you can decide what you want to do , and what is best for yourself.

He seems to making all the decisions and deciding all the terms . you mentioned what you wanted and he then he disagrees.

You still seem to be involved with him and hope for a future despite everything that has happened.

Do you still have feelings for him ?

I can understand how you want him to be in his daughters life but if you also worry if you are setting a bad example for her by taking him back.

he decided on the divorce and for most people that is the closure of the relationship not another start.

I can see how all his changes of mind over the years would confuse you, but you need to really look at what you want and ask if you did let him comeback how long before he changes his mind again.

Quirky

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geoff — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 22:36:01 GMT

Hi SydneyKat, thanks for posting your thread, and what you have told us, is this chap is playing 2 camps, in other words, he's seeing which home would be the best, sure it would theoretically, (in theory) be best to be with you and your daughter so help can be provided with food and bills, but, you can't be sure that he won't be tempted to play up once again.

I can't say what you should do but I know that it's happened to somebody I knew, he was not a friend but the son of someone I knew and many promises were broken and much heartbreak for the mother and child developed.

He shouldn't make any promises if he's not sure he can keep them, and it's better for him to say what he means, and it's a decision you need to make, a picture is worth ten thousand words.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Cheated on me

SydneyKat — Thu, 21 Feb 2019 06:53:41 GMT

Typo should have write 'circumstance'

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SydneyKat — Mon, 25 Feb 2019 03:12:58 GMT

Do we know if this sort of thing ever works (if take I'm to take him back). On what grounds would one consider it?