topic In-house Seperation in Relationship and family issues

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 03:11:38 GMT

A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.

Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me

we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of

18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs

during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off

Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue

at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages

my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife

after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted

after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them

problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy

I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else

I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late

we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual

I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault

how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other

I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I

support required

lang3

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 09:01:25 GMT

Hey Lang, welcome to the forum. I'll keep my response brief because I like to see that you're going to come back before I invest into your story.

So what was the argument about on the wedding night? And when you say 10 - is that 10 years you haven't spoken with your family?? Was your affair physical? And has it ended? Has the marriage counseling done anything for your guys?

I hope you come back, sometimes getting you're story out there if nothing else is helpful.

Cheers

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 11:47:52 GMT

Thanks for the response.

The argument was for a lot of things between my wife and family a big issue for us it is 10yrs

the affair originally started as emotional but became physical it has ended about 6 months ago

we have been seeing a councillor for about 8 months now it has helped in speaking about the family of origin and other issues we have had to deal with

for a month now we have trialled an in house separation for the children but over the last fortnight my wife's feelings seem to have changed a lot and had stated she needs space and privacy and wants to be happy and wants to find someone who will make her happy

during our last councilling session it came out about all this. We are currently in seperate beds.

I am extremely worried and paranoid about this I want to work it out but I think she is over all the issues

the main issues would be the family of origin she can't stand my parents for what they out us through during our wedding etc

i just want to fix it and be happy together we can still laugh but I am worried she is going to cone home one day and say she had met someone

I can't change the past and I want to fix it for us and our kids I love my wife and hate myself for what I did

lang3

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 12:46:55 GMT

Hey Lang

thanks for coming back. It sounds like there's a lot going on - and all the family issues aside I suppose you need to work out what you're prepared to accept and do to move forward. I mean, can you accept ongoing distance from your family? Can you accept this? And regarding your wife there's the trust thing - it's hard but it can be rebuilt. But you can't control her willingness to continue. It sounds cliched but you can only control your own actions, not hers.

It's a lot of work on your part, a lot of hard work but if you are willing to commit.......

I know I'm not you, but I'd be doing what I could control, like commiting to the family, being an awesome dad to the kids, doing my share of parenting, maintaining the house, keeping fit, getting enough sleep, eating right, that kind of thing. As hard as it is, try not to think about what your wife is doing or thinking, or transmitting this in your actions. Do these things not to win favours or anything like that, do it for yourself. Become the best person you can for yourself and hopefully your wife will see that too. Try not to dwell on your guilt. Have you looked up Athol Kay? He has some good resources on saving marriages. You can also get good advice from his forum, very good advice.

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 06:20:46 GMT

Hey AB.

There is a lot going on. It is a difficult situation with my parents. I have scaled back the contact because I am unsure as what is happening in the marriage. I have my own issues with them and I how I communicate with them.

Ideally I would love a lot more contact. My wife doesn't want anything to do with them. I would accept this and keep the relationship between myself and the kids. This would require a lot of communication and trust from both sides.

I know I can only control me and not her. I am trying to be a better father and occupy myself with other jobs. It is hard to control anger at times when the kids are been kids! It makes me feel worse when I end up yelling at them because of the frustration I have with the marriage. It is very hard to sleep at the moment. I think about us all the time. I need to show her the good. I have done a lot of reading about saving marriages in the last 36hrs.

I will give the Athol Kay a look up and have a read.

Thanks

Lang3

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 22:38:26 GMT

Indeed, make sure you have a good counsellor so you can work through the marriage stuff and your family stuff. Really be careful about being angry around your kids. I know it's hard but try not to show your anger around them and do your best not to yell at them - I can't stress this enough. That's why I recommend joining a gym or something, so you can take your anger/frustration out on something else - like boxing. Increasing your activity levels might help you sleep as well. Cut back on the alcohol and it goes without saying any other stimulants or drugs. Don't go to crazy on reading absolutely everything on the internet - but I know you will. If you do something, try one thing and stick to it. Hence why I recommend your best course of action:

1) hit the gym; rigorous exercise will not only get you into shape (if you're not already) but you'll feel better and likely emit more positive energy

2) don't do anything that will trigger your wife into "active trust" mode (Google this by Athol Kay) - ie: anything to remind her of your affair

3) spend as much time with your kids as possible; but remember not to take any built up anger/frustration out on them. Awesome dad returns!

4) think about what's holding you back (like the "red flags" in your life; eg: too much sugar, alcohol, watching porn, not pulling your weight around the house, etc) and cut them out one by one

5) focus on becoming awesome for yourself and less on worrying about whether or not your wife may or may not leave you. Ie: improve yourself because you want to, not to gain favour from your wife. If your self improvement brings her back to you, that's a bonus!

6) if this is not the case already - try and do more as a family perhaps, even if it's just short outings on the weekend. Focus on good times if you can.

I dunno - these are things that are worth a try. I'm trying to to add my personal influence. I am however really concerned about your side of the family and the dynamics there. It's always going to be present, and a huge "red" that needs sorting. I'd read Athol's books, and if you have the funds, arrange a 1 hour Skype consult with him - he's awesome.

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 22:59:51 GMT

What I meant to say is that I'm trying NOT to add my personal influence.......but of course, I did...

In-house Seperation

Guest_1055 — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 01:11:51 GMT

Morning Lang

I have read all your thread here. I few things popped into my mind. I totally agree with Apollo Black about not taking anger and frustration out on your children. Or anyone else for that matter. Anger can be very destructive and is a powerful poison when lashed out on someone else. Good advice there about redirecting or letting it out at the gym instead. I know a couple of people that simply go outside and go for a long run. And they come back much calmer. Also if you do stuff up and take your anger out on your children, please go to them and ask them to forgive you. Tell them that you were feeling angry, and admit to them that you stuffed up and did the wrong thing. And that taking anger out on someone as precious as them is really wrong. Give them a cuddle as well. That way you reassure them that you love them and also you are teaching them how to deal with anger the right way. ie not taking it out on someone else. ( Did that sound like a lecture? Sorry if it did)

Also did you ask your wife to forgive you and admit to her that what you did was wrong. And also say sorry to her in a gentle tone of voice for hurting her and betraying her trust. And that she too is precious. I only say this, because if she hears this coming from you well.....sometimes it does beautiful things to a woman's heart, perhaps win her back even. You are really sowing seeds of love here and she most likely will respect you for it.

( I tried to get to the point as best as I could, hope you are okay with what I said?)

Anyway you are a winner for posting on Beyond Blue. It is evident that you really do love your wife and little ones. And that you are remorseful for your actions regarding them. And I can see that it does make you feel worse when you yell at your little ones. But don't lose hope there....just ask them to forgive you, just like I mentioned above.

Take care

Shell

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Mon, 10 Oct 2016 11:59:48 GMT

Thanks everyone for the words of advice. I really appreciate it.

I am trying to put a lot of advice into actions.

Have lifted the exercise and cut back on the alcohol etc really trying to put extra care into the children spending some quality time together

I am lifting my weight around the house with the cooking, washing etc

I have realised I can't control my wife's feelings for me I can only control my behaviours and attitude I am trying to give praise and show understanding of what she does thus has been a challenge as every now again she will remind me of something I did in the past that she wasn't happy with my common responses is I can't change that I can only learn from it and improve myself

I just told her a quote I gave her on our wedding night and she remembered it I also every couple of days I let her know I am not giving up without a fight

we can be good together she wants to live her own life at the moment as mentioned earlier I think a separation could be good for us to work out that we need time apart , time together and time as a family I would like to know that she has the same understanding currently it is different

is this a good approach to showing her how much I love her and are reflecting on me and how I can improve to be a better husband and father

i just miss her a lot and love her a lot

it is hard sleeping in another room and not able to give her a cuddle

thanks again

lang3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 12:45:20 GMT

It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted. Really struggling with the not knowing what will happen still in the same house but separate rooms I have expressed my feeling to her a number of times and that I am working hard to change myself for us I am extremely paranoid about her meeting someone

she is been very secretive about what she is doing and only giving me small bits of information she is very protective of her phone. an example of this is that she took our 4yr old to mini golf never done this before and happened to bump into our marriage councillor and his son I find this out for our son they also saw each other at the park a couple of days before all ver coincidental I jumped to conclusion and messaged him about it

this didn't go down well with the wife I rang and apologised

my daughter also told me she took a work call on a Saturday from a man she didn't hear anything else

she isn't telling me anything I pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone I just can't stop thinking she is.

Im not sleeping that well as when close my eyes i have hear thoughts of her and another person

what do I do sit and wait and hopefully she sees that she wants to work on the marriage or just say I can't live like this and move out or give a timeframe? She is currently saying she needs space and find out if she still is in love with me

thanks

langa3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 11:53:33 GMT

Hey. Just feeling writing about the problems I am having is helping. Am going to try and do regular reflections to help and see how we go.

Had a good chat today with friends going to try and back off from letting her know his I feel etc feeling I got from friends was that she was finding that hard will see how that goes will still be nice and kind to her give her the space she needs and hopefully she will see what I want

going to increasey exercise in the coming weeks to distract me and give me positive thoughts.

Luckily work is going well

thanks

lang3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 12:50:36 GMT

Had a good day today. Spent the morning with friends which was great. Took my mind off a lot the things that happening.

Kept myself busy during the afternoon watched a movie with the kids the wife has gone to a friends house for the evening I find the time when I'm alone the paranoid thoughts come back

I have fallen in love with my wife and see why I fell in love with her when we met

really working hard at the positive thought and breathing when the paranoia sets in

I can only control my behaviour I can't control hers

lang3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Mon, 31 Oct 2016 12:02:55 GMT

Evening. had some panick attacks yesterday with some negative self talk about things

wrote down a number of topic points I wanted to speak to her about she wasn't interested in discussing but I kept calm and made some points she did say she is still unsure as to her direction if she wants to work on the marriage or completely out i took this as I'm still a chance

the waiting game is hard with her wanting privacy and seceracy this is when I panic the most then it knowing I don't think she would but it will hurt if she did I have so much understanding as to what I put her through and it makes me feel awful as to how much I have hurt her

well still a chance

lang3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 11:26:20 GMT

It has been a difficult week.

I am so unsure as to what will happen. She is been very secretive with her phone and times when she is out of the house. she want space and privacy. I find this hard as thinking that she is seeing someone. Unsure if she is or not.

I just want some hope or the truth about what she wants. Very hard living separated under the same roof. At times it feels we are still together laughing and talking. Then nothing.

She doesn't really want to talk about the situation at all. It has been. Early 3 months now. Surely she would have a good idea one way or the other.

What time frame do you put on this? I know I have hurt and was wrong in what i did. I unsure as to what else I can do to show her how I feel. I'm excercising, cooking cleaning helping out with the kids etc. trying to engage in conversation about anything and telling her I am proud of her etc.

the questions about us stress her out. I just want some answer. I haven't slept full night for nearly three months. Anxiety and paranoia kick in when I wake in the middle of the night.

Gp appointment for a referral to a psych this week. Hoping speaking to someone else will be good.

I have fallen back in love with my wife and know we can be happy. I just neeed her to see that.

Lang3

In-house Seperation

Zeal — Thu, 10 Nov 2016 11:49:51 GMT

Hey Lang,

Sorry you haven't had any responses in a month! Sometimes there are so many forum threads being created that some can accidentally slip under the radar.

I think it's fantastic that you've been working on improving your personal situation, as well as spending more time with your kids. The increased physical activity and abstinence from alcohol is also great. You can be proud, as these lifestyle changes can have a meaningful impact.

Right now I can't think of any specific advice to give you. I must say that living in the same house with the woman you love, without being able to express that physically or emotionally, must be tough. The fact that you haven't slept well in three months is concerning. This GP appointment is coming at a good time. I am really glad you are seeking out support, and plan to get a referral to a psychologist. Good on you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 11:28:46 GMT

Zeal. Appreciate the response.

Actually finding writing it on here really helps and if others are reading and responding even better.

Looking forward to the gp tomorrow and getting it back on track to see a pysch is a good feeling.

Still same as normal in the house. Find the weekends difficult. Watched our kids concert together and it felt nice to sit and watch our children perform and look normal in front of others. No one would know any difference. I did speak to her about it briefly the other night about giving it a go but she again shut the conversation down quickly.

I am getting to a point where I feel it may be best to leave to see what will happen. The kids are a major factor in staying. Birthdays and Christmas around the corner. Not the best time to break the family up.

The stress we are. It's feeling is showing in our interactions with the kids. We aren't that happy around them and they can see it and are pushing us.

When I get angry at the kids I get extremely upset as they aren't the reason for my sadness.

I can't change the past but I know I am Woking hard on improving myself for a better future. Just hope my wife see it and gives us another chance to prove I am different person to the one I was 6-12 months ago.

How long do you live with the pain of my actions and the stupid decisions i made?

Just some hope and a chance to show her.

Thanks

Lang3

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 12:01:15 GMT

Did you check out Athol Kay?

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 12:38:46 GMT

Apollo black

have had a look at his stuff. Interesting but not sure if our marriage is at that stage.

His bit about passive and active trust was interesting. 6 months ago my wife was very much active trust and now she is passive and I am the opposite. Every time she goes out I think the worst she is seeing someone etc. she does tell me little bits but not much. This is hard.

Very difficult times. Got a referral today to a psychologist. On the waiting list for an appointment. I think i will get one in the next week or two.

We had a good day today. Got off to work calmly and then she had left or lunch at home and i went out of the way and dropped it off. Did feel awkward in her office. Her work colleagues were a bit stand offish towards me. I felt like I was this bad person. My wife said she felt it too when I told her how it felt.

Thanks fur reding.

Lang3

In-house Seperation

Lang3 — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 11:44:40 GMT

I think it has come to the point where we both need to sit down and work out what we want. One way or the other.

I have asked her to sit down with me and talk about it. I also asked her best friend to be in on the conversation as a mediator type person. She understand the situation pretty well and can see both sides of the arguments.

We are tearing each other apart. I love her and want to be with her but the not knowing is eating me up.

I plan to tell her that and let her know again I want to work it out. I propose to see what she says. if she is still unsure then I would like her to commit to two months of trying and then see what happens. If she is done tell me and we can make plans that we both agree on. At least that way I know what it happening.

Good chat with my brother and he thinks that fact I'm still in the house etc she still has feelings for us and our marriage. I hope he is right.

Is this the best way to go unsure. I need the answers. It has been nearly a year since this all started.

I love her and will keep fighting until I know she doesn't want it.

Thanks.

lang3

In-house Seperation

Apollo_Black — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 23:05:55 GMT

I strongly suggest you get legal advice