topic Feeling so alone in Relationship and family issues

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 07:38:48 GMT

Hi all,

First time poster. I suffer from major depression, and have been on and off meds for a number of years. I had been in a long term lesbian relationship with someone who has their own incurable disease. The first few years were really hard as she was having problems with her illness. We got through that, but I always thought she didn't love me, and would leave me when someone better came along. It was a rocky relationship. 2 years ago we broke up, my depression was a problem, my anxiety and insecurities were also a problem. We stayed living together with her paying me rent. I have a large mortgage, we have a number of animals together, and just after we broke up I was made redundant. My job was a major contributing factor to the depression, and I have never wanted to go back into that industry again. I have been working casually since, in a job I like, but one that doesn't pay enough. She has now found someone new, and will be moving out in a few months. Everything has just hit rock bottom. I am so stressed about not being able to pay the mortgage, about feeding the dogs, about everything, but most of all our friendship is now in the toilet as well. She's seeing her new girl most nights a week, I feel so very very alone. I have friends but none of them are close. I've pushed them away, lashed out at them, and lashed out at my ex. I have ruined just about every good friendship I have had because of this hideous depression. I don't want to be unhappy, but I make everyone around me unhappy. I have so many regrets, I could of communicated with her better, could of saved the relationship, or atleast tried to work it out, but I didn't. I am just so unmotivated to do anything. Looking after the dogs is a struggle, I do it, but it's hard, and I keep looking at them thinking they would be better off with someone else, but they are all I have. I don't want to lose them too. I don't want life to be so hard, it's not what I would even call a life, I am just going through the motions. In the past 2 months I have lost about 10 kg as I am just not eating. I don't want to spend money on anything as I will need every dollar I earn to pay the mortgage. I just don't know where to begin in getting better. Most of all, I really miss the support I was getting from my ex, I don't have it anymore, and I feel so alone.

Feeling so alone

Wednesday — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 09:22:02 GMT

Dear Phoenix,

I felt so sad when I read your post, life is certainly incredibly hard sometimes. I'm really pleased you came to the forum it's a great place to chat and work through things.

Dear one you are giving yourself a very hard time, you are a precious person. Depression is horrid and plays with our brain. Our thinking becomes confused and upside down, though it doesn't necessarily seem so at the time. Even given this I doubt very much that the relationships breakup was all your fault. Quite simply it never is all one persons fault and no one person is perfect! Maybe you both changed and moved on past the point you were at the start of your relationship. You sound like you have been incredibly supportive of your ex. Gosh it must have been really hard living together after the relationship finished. Your story says that you have some amazing inner strength.

Oh and I've been taking anti depressants for 30 years, so know a little about depression. Can I ask if you have been in contact with your doctor recently?

It is awful losing a job, again been there. I know how worrying it is to have debts to pay. But starving yourself is not useful to you or your lovely, loyal dogs, what are their names? I used to have a german shepherd "Ich" who sadly passed away, now I have a curly designer dog (ex RSPCA) "Hy" who I love to bits. He is probably a product of a puppy farm and even comes complete with curly eye teeth!

I know you probably feel like this is what life will be like forever, it wont be. This is just moment in time. You will find another job, you may even decide to get another person to rent that spare room. Have you though about letting your financial institution know what is happening and work out some sort of reduced payment while you are looking for work? It is not in a financial institutions interest to foreclose on a mortgage. You could always call anonymously and suss them out? There are other government sponsored, therefore free probably stay based financial help out there too.

So how about some baby steps? Some good food to nourish your brain and body helping it work better and a trip to back to your doctors for a chat?

You are really not alone and there is support here for you, there are many people with lots of experience on the BB forums. Just in case you haven't noticed there is also the chatline 1300 22 4636 available 24/7.

If you're are up to it come back and chat I'd love to know how you are going.

Here's hug for you.

Feeling so alone

h12 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 10:32:35 GMT

Hi Phoenix1976, I really feel sad about the level of suffering you seem to be going through, honestly it seems like a nightmare. I can understand about feeling totally alone, I am very lonely myself and know what it means to feel left behind by others, although maybe not to the same extent as you.

Having your ex move out to be with someone else must be taking an incredible emotional toll which I can totally understand. Perhaps it doesn't seem like it now, but maybe when she does end up moving out you'll be able to feel a bit better because you'll feel more free to take practical action to move on to new things. Right now you must feel tense because of what you know is coming and because you feel you can't make major changes to your life before she leaves. You are extremely brave and strong for being able to keep going under the circumstances you are in, and that makes me believe you will be able to keep going that much more.

Depression is really nasty, no two ways about it. But I'd like to give you some help - with my own depression I've been able to, over years of trial and error, boil down the best treatment to something like this: keep it simple. Self compassion. And the real winner for me: achievement activities.

I'll cut to the chase: obviously depression has a habit of not going away on it's own so you do need to take action BUT that action can, like Wednesday said, be in baby steps. Baby steps made up of activities that give you a sense of achievement. Not necessarily pleasurable activities while you're doing them (although they could be) but ones that give you a real boost at the end. A good place to start: make a simple list of things to do, and note the priorities. Dealing with the practicalities in your life like your awesome dogs, eating some yummy food, financial stuff etc should probably be first of course - then as you build up your confidence through getting yourself into better shape you'll be in a better place to tackle the loneliness, meet new people and really start telling your depression who's boss. Trust me on this: if you can plan 2 or 3 achievement things a day for a few days ahead, and get through just one day, just one, having done what you planned, it makes such a difference. Very tried and true for me.

And look, you're already dealing with your loneliness, you've got us on the forums now! Such a champion effort already.

Let us know how you are if you could. Regards, Hugh

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 11:14:43 GMT

Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. I have been off meds for a while, I just stopped taking them one day, the script then expired. I had one tablet left so took it and I have made an appointment with my dr but its not until Tuesday. I will check in tomorrow night, after I have had some time to digest your words and ideas, thank you both again for responding, really hate feeling this way, and I think it helps to let it all out, and to write it down.

Feeling so alone

Wednesday — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 15:07:54 GMT

Hello again Phoenix,

Dam that's a shame you can't see the doctor until Tuesday.

Just another thought, some advice a friend of mine was given when his relationship broke up was to write down all the things that you don't like about your ex. It worked well he realised he had been putting his ex on a pedestal that she didn't deserve.

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 11:01:14 GMT

Hi again,

Thanks for listening/reading, and of course suggestions. I had a 12 hr shift today at work (minus 2hrs for lunch). This morning was hard, I had no energy, didn't think I'd be able to do the after lunch half but I got through it. My ex came home for the night, or possibly two. I had planned to try and talk to her a bit, but she was distracted, doing something on her computer, so there was just a bit of chat about the tennis, and that was basically all that was said. I don't hold her up on a pedastool, there are quite a few things I don't like about her, I don't think I necessarily want to get back with her, its more the friendship and the support she gave me as a friend more than anything that I miss.

The activities that you mention Hugh, I have tried that in the past, it does work, I just need to keep it up, some nights I will go to bed thinking I will do xyz tomorrow, and the morning comes and those tasks seem to go out the window. A few of them have been outside tasks, and in 40+ degrees, unless I am motivated enough to do it first thing in the morning, they don't get done. Sounds like I am making excuses.... maybe I am 😞

I am feeling a bit better today, I don't know if it's because I have been busy doing stuff at work so couldn't dwell on things, or if the small amount of contact from my ex helped the loneliness. Maybe it was the fact that I let out my thoughts and had some kind words from the forum. Whatever the reason, no uncontrollable tears today, which is a good thing.

Feeling so alone

h12 — Sun, 22 Jan 2017 14:57:32 GMT

Hey Phoenix, great to hear from you again...it's been a crazy day for me too, and I'm still up at 1.55am haha - so I hope I can write without falling asleep on the keyboard! But I just want to reply now in case you check early in the morning.

Jeez, a 12 hour shift! You are as tough as nails for getting through that! Well done indeed.

Yeah I know what you mean, regardless of being in a relationship or not just having the support that comes with friendship is important - and it naturally hurts to lose it. I had a close friend who I used to talk to often and go out to do stuff like mountain biking with. He's since basically cut off all contact and spends most of his time drinking and having a great time with other friends. You probably feel forgotten in the same way I do with him - it's especially hard for us when their support means that much more given our mental issues - and it's especially confusing when you know that they know about your mental issues and the need for support you have. Of course with your ex, it looks like it will inevitably end, at least mostly, when she moves out, and again I think that could give you some sense of closure that might actually really help. Even before that happens, to help with the loneliness, something to consider: do you have any particular interests (art? cooking? photography? walking? etc), even stuff you haven't tried before or haven't done for ages, that you could do a short course in, or join a club for? A great way to meet new people in a relaxed environment! I've heard the 'MeetUp' site is great and really active for doing interest based things in a really casual way. For me, a few hours ago I went to a meeting of an outdoor youth club for the first time - I spoke to more new people in those 2 hours than I had in the last 6 months combined I think! What a difference one day can make!

With the achievement activities, yeah the weather can be difficult to have to wrestle with! I usually plan my 4 or 5 days ahead using a weather forecast, but of course you can still be flexible. I would encourage you to keep at it with trying to get even one achievement type thing a day done. Even if you get just one a day done for 3 days in a row you'll likely feel a massive boost to your self image. You can accomplish stuff. I'm not just saying that, by coming back to the forums and responding you're doing so well.

Keen to hear how you are. Hugh.

PS how're your dogs? And wasn't the tennis crazy with Murray??

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 22:25:57 GMT

Doctors appointment this afternoon. Really struggled to get out of bed this morning, if it wasn't for the dogs wanting to go out I'd still be there. I didn't move far, just to the lounge. I was doing ok yesterday, now today, just blah, feeling sick, no energy, just don't want to do anything.

I missed the Murray game 😞 had to work.

Feeling so alone

Wednesday — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 23:51:52 GMT

Hi Phoenix,

So sorry for the delay in getting bak to you.

Yep some days are just plain rubbish and others not so bad. Depression is horrid and you have some really good reasons to feel pretty low. But this is a moment in time and things will change for you. If you think back a year, you were in a different place. Our brains do weird things to us when they are stressed and make everything another shade darker. Do be kind to yourself you need to grieve that's okay it's a normal and very human thing to do.

I think we all want support whether that be from a friend, partner or family that too is human. It may be asking too much of your ex though she is in a different space to you. Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to and who can support you?

I'm pleased you have the doggies around to keep you a little on track. I can only imagine what a twelve hour shift is like, it sounds dreadful. I don't know that I could stay awake for twelve hours at any one time. 🙂

I know its hard when you feel this bad but please see that doctor today. Some new anti depressants will have you feeling so much better in a short time. You can do this baby steps

By the way I love your choice of name, the phoenix who rises from the ashes, nice one.

Remember baby steps will get you there, good luck today.

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 00:09:47 GMT

My ex is/was my best friend. I could tell her everything even after we split. I've pretty much pushed all my other friends that live close away, I've lashed out, pretty much ruined the friendships. I have a couple of people who live far away from me that I can talk to, but it's not the same, yes they are supportive, but in all honesty, all I want now is a hug from someone and for them to tell me it'll be ok.

I know she is in a different space, she's all off with the fairies and I haven't asked for her help, even before she was with her new girl I could tell that she'd changed, was looking at getting into another relationship, was always on her phone, secretive about it etc, and I felt the change in attitude towards me. I don't blame her, I'd probably would of done the same, doesn't make it any less painful though.

Feeling so alone

Wednesday — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 00:26:25 GMT

Hell no, of course it hurts.

Sweetie, isn't there anyone you could get that hug from? People are amazing and if someone rocked up at my doorstep saying I messed up, I miss you and can we be friends again I'd be hugging them an instant.

It is and your will be okay. It is just this moment. You're right she has moved on and you can't expect anything from her, especially since she has a new relationship.

Back to baby steps, have you fed the dogs? have you eaten? Okay both covered?

All you have to do now is let the doggies sit at your feet and look at you adoringly or throw them a ball. If it's cooler can you maybe take them for a walk around the block to fill in time before you go to see the doctor?

My dog is keeping a close eye on me in case there is even the smallest of chance he will be going out, umm I'll see what I can if my legs are working a bit better later.

Here is virtual hug, take great care of yourself. xx

Feeling so alone

h12 — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 05:54:31 GMT

Totally agree with everyone Wednesday said!

I think that it's a classic symptom of depression to beat yourself up all the time, to tell yourself your friends just don't want you anymore, to think of yourself as worthless. But your friends won't share that view of you. If that's something they would do, you probably wouldn't have become friends with them in the first place. I think there's a lot of acceptance these days that depression is an issue that needs to be taken seriously and most people will jump at the chance to genuinely help someone out who they know is depressed. So I would say take a bit of a chance, and ask one of your friends if they'd like to grab lunch or dinner with you one day. If they don't hug you, just hug them!

When we are depressed it's so difficult to imagine ourselves being any other way, and vice versa.

Here's a virtual hug from me

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 08:49:12 GMT

Thanks for the kind words, support and virtual hugs. I went to the Dr this afternoon. She is atleast supportive. Could barely get anything out I was that bad, she did most of the talking. Gave me some meds, not ones I have been on before, but she wasn't happy putting me on medication which is what I have found that works. She wants me to see a social worker which I'm not too sure about.

Re the friend situation. I tried to contact one around new year, not much joy there, just brushed off a bit, not much more than a polite, I know it's hard but try and stay positive. I was really close to her for a while, but issues with her partner (jealousy) pushed us apart, I lashed out and told her what I thought, and well, friendship lost. I tried to confide in another this morning, no, I didn't turn up on her doorstep, but I told her I screwed up, needed help and was in a bad way, it wasn't a phone call, which I guess it should of been, but again, no response. I'm not great on the phone anyway, and I was in tears.

Feeling so alone

h12 — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 03:22:19 GMT

Well done for getting to your doctor, personally I find seeing my GP gives me a sense of relief, acceptance and even achievement. I'm not too familiar with the scope of a social worker's work, but if your GP thinks that they might be able to really help you then maybe it is worth a shot, maybe at a minimum having someone else to see could ease the feelings of loneliness.

Also, give yourself a massive pat on the back for contacting those couple of friends even if you didn't make a lot of further progress. With the second friend though, maybe they are just taking a bit of time to think about how best to respond to you and they will still reply - this sometimes happens in similar cases for me. I struggle with the phone too! I tend to avoid it at all costs, and don't worry in the least if you need to use other methods of contact.

Everything you're doing gives me a strong impression that you are very willing and very very able to get better. A lot of people with depression can accept it as being an ongoing state but you don't strike me as being such a person.

Have another virtual hug from me for persisting so well with so many challenges

Feeling so alone

Wednesday — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 08:48:38 GMT

Hi Phoenix,

Well done, gold star! Going to the doctors was a great move not a baby step at all a leap, woo hoo!

H12 (sorry I don't think we have met before but hello, good to meet you) said all I would. Aside from I think the social worker is about finding a practical way forward with the financial problem ect you are concerned about. Sound like a good idea to me. I hope the new meds kick in soon.

How are the doggies. My little one was attacked by a big dog earlier today and is feeling a little sore and sorry for himself. It was horrid to watch but I'm sure he will pick up okay in a few days. Much TlC required.

Lots of hugs, xx

Feeling so alone

Phoenix1976 — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 09:57:17 GMT

I'm just worried about the social worker coming in and pushing me into doing something I don't want to do. I have a few dogs, I don't want to lose my house and be forced to rent, I won't be able to rent with the number I have, I have more than 2.

The dogs are good. They are liking the cooler whether. My Jinx is my rock at the moment, they all like to snuggle, but she will curl up in my lap (no easy feat for a 27kg dog). She's my little jelly bean, wish I could be as happy as her, if she's not snuggling she's wagging her tail like its going to fall off.

Sorry to hear that your little boy was attacked. Did you visit the vet? Sometimes there may be little to no marks on the dog but they are hurt more than you realise.