topic Ready to give up on finding love. in Relationship and family issues

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Mon, 23 May 2016 12:26:30 GMT

This is the first time I've done anything like this so.. here goes.

I recently turned 40 and have never had a girlfriend. My experiences have all been terrible. I have been asked out twice by girls as a joke when i was 18 and 24. It was so humiliating. I shut down for a long time after that. About 10 years later i met a girl through work. Over about a year we became good friends. We went out once or twice with workmates, and after a while she told me she was in love with me. I felt the same way. A few days after that she left to go on a cruise. While she was away one of the other girls she worked with let it slip she was on holiday with her husband. This basically destroyed me. Now ive recently turned 40 and have never had a single positive relationship experience. Ive tried to go out and meet new ppl but no luck. Online dating has been a terrible experience. I havent got many people who can grasp how lonely and dejected i feel, every single one of my friends is either married or has a partner. I never even had a date. Im just ready to give up any hope that I'll find anyone. I just feel pretty worthless and am having trouble coping with it. Im sorry if this isnt clear, ive not talked about it before

Ready to give up on finding love.

Neil_1 — Mon, 23 May 2016 23:19:44 GMT

Hi there Mikkus

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you heaps for coming here and providing your post.

The dating game, relationships, etc can have a big effect on us and as you’ve mentioned, if it’s in the negative category, it can pile up while we try our best for it not too.

That was damn ordinary about that woman you were seeing from work – I don’t get it though; that you went out once or twice with workmates; and yet no-one came forward at that time to let you know that she was married.

May I ask are you a sporty or active person? Any teams you are involved in? This can have options for leading to meeting up with all kinds of new people – or possibly other hobbies that you enjoy? Bushwalking, running groups? Trivia nights? Ok, I could ramble here for ages, but I think I’ll send this now and would love for you to respond back.

Neil

Ready to give up on finding love.

MisterM — Tue, 24 May 2016 06:33:18 GMT

Hi Mikkus,

I feel your pain. I am 32 almost and never had a girlfriend either.
I've tried but failed.
Been on a number of dates.
I asked a girl out recently at uni and she said I creeped her out after I sent her a message (see my thread here).
I too feel lonely and dejected and like giving up.
Hopefully one day me and you will be happy in love.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Wed, 25 May 2016 05:40:17 GMT

Hi neil. Thanks for the reply. Ive been part of clubs and the like, playing music in pubs, quiz nights , but just no luck. I make friends easily but thats as far as it ever gets. There just doesnt seem to be that connection there. Im told I'm a really good friend, and a nice guy, but other than that nothing.

Now i just dont feel like im worth anything to anyone, so i dont go out as much. I still try, but its getting too much to keep looking year after year and i just wonder whats wrong with me.

I just dont believe in myself anymore i guess.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Wed, 25 May 2016 05:43:27 GMT

Thank you MisterM. I appreciate your kindness. I hope so too.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Neil_1 — Thu, 26 May 2016 01:35:22 GMT

Hi there Mikkus,

A good friend.
A nice guy.

Two things that really jump out at me.

Brilliant qualities to have – but even more than that – cause you must have (do have) the internal mechanisms and social skill to be that kind of person. Awesome attributes to have. People wouldn’t say that or think these things about you if you weren’t that kind of person.

You know one thing I picked up over the years, and when I was younger, I wished I knew this – to not try too hard. I took me a long long time to understand this. I believe the more hard you try and are seeming to project yourself “out there”, the more it kind of stands out.

Oh boy, if I could play music and therefore, extend that to doing it in a social scene (ie: pubs), I think that would be a pretty good thing to do. Not sure if you’re still doing that, but if you still enjoy doing that, then that would be something very worthwhile continuing.

Quiz nights are something different, cause well, they’re quiz nights and the only real interaction you have are with the folks on your own table. And those people generally go in groups of known people. I hope I’m making sense.

Neil

Ready to give up on finding love.

Apollo_Black — Thu, 26 May 2016 13:02:54 GMT

Hey Mikkus

MisterM is going to roll his eyes, but you should check out a guy called Dr Robert Glover. He's known for his book "No More Mr Nice Guy". Perhaps check out his web page and see what you think

Ready to give up on finding love.

MisterM — Sat, 28 May 2016 07:42:35 GMT

No rolling of my eyes Apollo 🙂

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Sat, 28 May 2016 12:34:13 GMT

Thanks for the message. I have read it and to be honest found it lacking. It seemed to go from "its societal conditioning" to "your needs werent met so getting frustrated and upset is your fault.

But i honestly appreciate the thought.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Greyhound123 — Sat, 28 May 2016 13:27:59 GMT

Have you tried Internet dating? And I know there is A LOT of stigma around this but international dating. Sometimes other cultures find different types of men attractive. Yes you have to be very careful of dodgy characters but there are some genuinely lovely women out there who appreciate different qualities in their men. My wife is from overseas and We could not be happier.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Lost_Girl — Sat, 28 May 2016 14:00:41 GMT

Hi Mikkus,

Don't give up! Everyone deserves to feel loved and you have heaps of time still.

Without knowing you at all I am just going to throw out some suggestions, please ignore any that don't relate to you, all offered in kindness;

First impressions matter with dating as women can be fickle creatures. I would suggest going to a trendy clothes shop and finding a female assistant to help you pick out a new outfit. Don't forget your shoes.

Same with your hair, find a female hairdresser and get her to give you an up to date style. Can't hurt right?

Now you're set to go. Appearances don't mean much really but someone who puts effort in does... it is the effort that will be noticed. "Wow, he's gone to a lot of trouble for me!" I say this because my hubby puts zero effort in these days but I love him to bits haha. Early days though you want to show some effort.

Ok, now finding people is tough. Neil and Greyhound had some good suggestions. Another option I only heard of recently is Meeting Place. If you google Meeting Place you can find groups for all types of interests. There are also a stack of Meeting Places for people who are depressed (just add depressed to the google search). What I have found here on BB are some of the nicest, kindest people ever! I think people with big kind hearts feel more deeply and are possibly more prone to depression. There are a lot of very lonely people here too. Perhaps a Meeting place group for depression in your local area will lead to new friends and perhaps you might find a soulmate...you never know. You just need to check the intent of the group.

If you want to give some more details on your interests perhaps I can think of more things to help.

I like my hubby because he and I am both a bit nerdy and geeky with a love of fantasy sci fi, board games and reading. I have a lot of friends who never spend time with their partners and have nothing in common. They are married but lonely. I think that if you can work out who you are and what you want you will be able to find someone and you may very well end up happier than a lot of those already married.

Happy to help if I can.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Ready to give up on finding love.

Apollo_Black — Sat, 28 May 2016 23:10:23 GMT

Did you fit the nice guy profile though?

Ready to give up on finding love.

Apollo_Black — Sat, 28 May 2016 23:21:36 GMT

when did you read it anyway? If that's all you got from it then you may not have read it properly or didn't like hearing what it had to say. Did you try the breaking free exercises? The point of the nice guy book is that you need to gain confidence and feel comfortable in your own skin to do better at attracting the opposite sex. You don't meet people staying at home. you might find it better to get inspiration from his podcasts - he has a dating series in particular "testing for interest" specifically to avoid be friend zoned.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 08:54:33 GMT

I have tried internet dating, still trying. You're right when you say theres a lot of disingenuousness. But i'm still kinda hoping something might happen. This sounds stupid but i find it very difficult to converse through texts. It almost feels a little cold, if that makes any sense at all....

Ready to give up on finding love.

Mikkus — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 09:37:02 GMT

I can say i dont have any stigmas regarding international dating. But i was just now thinking about it for a while, and with my background in relationships i dont think I'm well equipped to know the genuine people from the others.

Ready to give up on finding love.

Solosombra — Wed, 01 Jun 2016 10:48:55 GMT

Hey mikkus sorry about the late welcome to bb.

First I'm sorry about what happened when you were 18 and 24 that was mean and unfortunately some people are just like that try not too let it diminish your own self worth and confidence any further!

I have only had one girlfriend myself but it did last 7 years so I don't fully understand your loneliness but it has been six years since I lost her to ill circumstances.

I'll always remember what she told me but. 'Its easier to love someone when they love them selves' maybe some confidence mustering and self improvement could help??

I really hope things turn around for you soon! We all deserve love.