topic UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do in Relationship and family issues

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 06:22:50 GMT

Hello, I’m really confused right now and I don’t know where
to start, so I’ll try to see if I can at least make sense.

About a month and a half ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke
up with me. It had been very rocky for the previous 4 months, so it wasn’t
unexpected. We’d tried talking a lot of this through but if I’m honest with
myself, I thought I tried my best but really didn’t. My only excuse is that I
was studying and working full time, so with 4 hours of sleep a night, my head
wasn’t quite screwed on. She said she still loved me but wasn’t in love with me
and thought we just needed time apart and she wanted space.

Since then, I’ve been seeing a psychologist about issues I
had in my childhood and while my psychologist doesn’t want to start giving me
labels, it’s clear that I do have some personality issues, and recently the
whole fear of abandonment has kicked in. I’ve tried contacting my ex a few
times (more than I’d like) and in some instances she’s replied, in others she
hasn’t. I know she cares, but it’s pretty clear that she wants me out of her
life right now.

I know what I need to do and that’s to get better and keep
seeing my psychologist. The tough thing is the only motivation I have that
maybe my ex will be willing to meet up after I’m better. In my head, I know we
were a really good couple but I really needed to deal with my childhood ghosts
earlier. But I also know I could just be setting myself up for disappointment
in the future, but I really feel no other reason to get better.

I’m very confused and I feel like I’m just watching myself
wander around aimlessly, but I don’t really care either.

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 06:49:50 GMT

Hello James1

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too!

I know what its like to be in a fresh break up with my ex girlfriend and it hurts...even 4-6 weeks later James.

You come across as an intelligent pro-active person. You are also caring too. You have had the strength to post on the forums and well done to you!

You are also smart enough to be seeing a counselor as well. I have done the same for many years. If I may ask you James, when is the last time you have spoken to your ex girlfriend? Its always great to have hope with getting back together, no worries there. As you know your health comes first....then work on relationships.

You have a smart psychologist not giving anything 'labels'. As for personality issues...I think you may being really hard on yourself here. I have never met a person without a personality issue, but if you wish to elaborate you are welcome to do so:-)

You have been with your girlfriend for while and your breakup is still fresh. Be 'gentle' to yourself right now as you are still healing. There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you James.

It would be great if you could post back whenever you wish 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 11:22:12 GMT

Hey Paul,

Thank you for the very kind words. It's times like this when knowing that someone somewhere cares, even a little, is just really touching.

I spoke to her last when I had a complete meltdown last Wednesday because of the childhood abuse I mentioned. After that call, she contacted one of my friends and asked him to check up on me. Otherwise, 3 weeks prior to that, then two weeks before that. Each time it's been me contacting her and I feel guilty because she asked for space, but with everything else that's been going on, there's no one else that I've felt comfortable talking to.

I sent her an email yesterday to say: thanks for your support last Wednesday, I want to keep our communication open, but I need to keep seeing my psychologist (I mentioned it on Wednesday). I didn't put any expectation on her to answer, I just wanted her to know I appreciated what she did and she could contact me if she wanted to.

I'm worried that emailing her yesterday will push her away more (since she asked for space), but I'd been sitting on that email for days and I just felt like I had to give her that assurance that I'd be okay because she was clearly concerned in her text to my mate, but also to let her know that I'm willing to talk if she is.

Anyway, it sounds very much like a classic "just wait, keep seeing the psychologist, and focus on here and now", but it is very hard. My psychologist said I have tendencies towards Borderline Personality Disorder, but thankfully I'm not self-harming and somewhat functional compared to some more severe cases. We're going to start working on schema therapy to help me learn how to cope with everything that happens inside my mind, because it really does hurt everyone around me and I hate that about me.

Thanks again for listening.

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

zodiacgirl — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 12:12:40 GMT

Hey james,

Reading your post I feel like I have the same feelings as you with a situation I've been going through myself - You are definitely not alone with how you are feeling. I feel like so many people also have a fear of abandonment and once you get to know anyone well, we all have their own issues, including myself. It really does suck, but some things that I do to make me feel better are just making plans and new hobbies for myself to get myself out of my own head for a while, and not let all the thoughts we don't want consume me and make me feel even worse.

I've also gotten some good strategies from my psychologist too, and I feel the best things for me is just talking to friends or other people (who in most cases also have the same feelings in relationships and in the midst of breakups), and keeping a positive mind, even when it seems so impossible. Treat and be kind to yourself, you seem like an intelligent and caring person and it really just takes time.

Regards,

zodiacgirl

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 00:16:10 GMT

Hi zodiacgirl,

Thank you very very much for your thoughts.

At the moment I'm just trying to get through each day. I've been through other episodes of depression so I know in my head that there's a way out, even though my heart just wants to lie in bed all day.

I just try to keep telling myself that I have friends and that it will get better even if I don't believe it. I've got a little logbook to track my schema modes and it's really useful because it makes me think about where I'm overreacting or where my reaction is justified, so I can always pull something positive out of that.

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 16:59:00 GMT

Hey James

Great to hear from you. (nice post from Zodiacgirl too!)

I hear you about the heart saying to stay in bed all day James. At the risk of asking a dumb question....Is your weekend the same as mine (solo) or are you doing anything? I am rapt that you are posting back. If I can quote Zodiacgirl.....(even for me)...

"Treat and be kind to yourself, you seem like an intelligent and caring person and it really just takes time."

I hope you are doing reasonably okay James

My Best

Paul

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 08:43:01 GMT

Hi Paul,

I tried to keep busy last weekend and that was okay. I still got home and felt terrible at night (the bed feels so cold without anyone there! and it really has been cold in Sydney), but at least I wasn't alone during the day.

This weekend's a bit worse with a couple of cancellations. I dragged myself out of bed at lunch today and spent the entire day just walking around listening to music, and catching trains to different suburbs. It was terribly lonely waiting at stations because waiting alone just makes me think of who I could've been spending my time with, had the break-up not occurred. But at least I wasn't being lonely at home.

The funny side is that when we broke up, lack of time and being overworked was a big contributor. And now I have too much time on my hands, but it's too late.

Oh well. Day by day right? And I still have all my schema therapy to work on.

I really appreciate your time talking Paul. I hope to one day be able to help others as well.

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 09:26:43 GMT

Hi James, thanks again for posting back. I remember in early 2015 when I was dumped by my girlfriend it was awful. Every step was painful and isolating. I do feel your grief.

You are a legend using music as a healer. Just my opinion but music can 'open the door' to peace as our brain is busy absorbing/enjoying it when suffering especially after a break up.

Day by day is right but I'd never say to you. It feels useless to have someone say that after a break up. Other people told me 'to let time pass'...this was the only help that worked....sort of

As for helping other people I know you would be a huge help. You have the experience the intelligence and are also the caring. You are well articulated and would be a welcome contributor on the forums. (when you are up to it of course)

I have had acute anxiety/ depression for years and still open to the continual process of healing. Maybe other people would benefit from your background/experience and 'schema therapy'. I have been on the forums since Jan 5 this year after being made redundant and havent seen a new thread on Schema Therapy.

You have already helped people by posting too James. The bulk of people that read the forums choose to read and not to post.....which is fine of course. There would be some people that would have benefited from reading your post and any replies already 🙂

My kindest thoughts for you in this void James

Paul

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 05:43:43 GMT

Thanks Paul. I hope things are going better for you now too.

I don't know if you realise, but your support's given me a reason to get up in the mornings. You've given me the inspiration to come here and see if my own experiences can help others. I hope to continue and get better at helping others.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you've changed someone's life, and to say thank you for that. Because it's just one of those things that often goes unacknowledged, but it's always nice to know.

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 07:33:24 GMT

Sorry I should rephrase: you've helped to change my life 🙂 there's still lots for me to do

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

Apollo_Black — Mon, 18 Jul 2016 09:03:40 GMT

This is the best thing I've heard all day! What a great thing to say James. Onwards and upwards my man!

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 15:58:35 GMT

Hey James...You are a very kind person and thankyou for the mega compliment....and my apologies for the delay in getting back to you.

You....Apollo and myself have a lot on our plates...It is exhausting. I think its great though to see you helping new posters with some heartfelt advice.....You Rock James!.....have a great weekend too.

My Best

Paul

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 08:14:55 GMT

Hello,

I thought I'd post an update here rather than start a new thread, and I'd appreciate your thoughts on my plan (if it can be called that?).

So it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted about this and a lot has changed in everything outside of this relationship problem. I sent my ex a text on Tuesday (about 3 weeks after I last sent her a text) just as a quick "hi, this is what I've been up to. I saw something you told me about a while ago which I'd like to tell you about some time, but I'm still seeing the psychologist for now."

Of course, the thing that keeps digging at me inside is that I'd love the chance to explain that all the things she didn't like about me, I'm working on with my psychologist as part of this BPD. And I hope that she can see past that once I work on it, and can see all the qualities she was attracted to in the first place are still there.

But I don't think it's the time or place for that.

So this is my plan: I will keep writing letters and poems and little sentences which capture my thoughts and feelings. I will not share them with her, but just keep them for myself. I will try to keep her abreast of key events (moving out next month! finally!), but not pressure any response. and hopefully, maybe next month which will be the third month after break-up, she'll be willing to talk.

It's not something I'm willing to let go (unless it just happens naturally), because she only asked for space and I know inside that we could have a really good shot at falling in love again if we gave each other the chance.

That second chance might not come, but that's why I'm trying to also keep myself busy with new priorities like volunteering more again and coming here to try and help people where I can!

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 09:12:59 GMT

Hey James, great to see you 🙂 You really are 'tuned in' with your feelings. I have nothing but admiration for the way you have been coping. 4 years is a long time to be with a partner and I wouldn't let go either if there was even a tiny chance of the relationship to bloom again.

Your are 24 and your attitude and wisdom are of a person many years your senior...and good on you!

James said: "It's not something I'm willing to let go (unless it just happens
naturally), because she only asked for space and I know inside that we
could have a really good shot at falling in love again if we gave each
other the chance"

I have read all of your input and you have a caring and non judgemental approach to helping many others. There is no judgement here as you know on the forums.

I hope you get a second chance James....My kind thoughts....Paul 🙂

You deserve a break.

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

james1 — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 09:34:44 GMT

Hi Paul,

I've always appreciated your thoughts. I feel very safe here.

Thank you

James

UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do

blondguy — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 13:28:50 GMT

Hey James...thankyou heaps...it means a lot to me....I feel safe with you on here as a peer...you are and have been very supportive to me. I may be on the recovering side of depression but you are a bonus to me and many others!

Nice1 James

Paul