topic Feeling desperate & trapped in Relationship and family issues

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 00:35:45 GMT

Hi everyone!

Okay I feel like I know what I need to do - but it seems too hard?

i have been in a relationship (my 1st relationship) for the past 4 years. The first year was amazing. I felt so loved and like I finally met someone who understood me.

This changed however. It has turned into everything is always my fault, I get called names, I am expected to spend all my free time outside of work with him or I'll get a few nasty voice mails and texts...he says as I don't work as much as him and have very hard earned savings I should be the one paying for the next house rental bond and rent. I always feel financially pressured from him.

He has cheated on me I'm fairly sure. I have conversations from an online social account asking for nude photos of people he knows.

But I just don't feel like I can leave? How can it be I am treated so bad but I still love him, the old him. i am also scared he would rock up to my mums house where I currently live- Ihad the courage to be taken off the lease in september last year when he kept going out with people from work but wouldn't let me know where he was going and wouldn't let me meet any of them & would come home after two days of no contact drunk...I couldn't take another day of it - he made me feel so isolated but said because I have bipolar / anxiety I wouldn't cope with meeting his friends. I didn't seem him or 4 days after this whole thing and I was just so happy he agreed to take over the lease. I felt like I couldn't go on without him and he messaged me and took me out for tea (well he drove my car, he's never had his license).

i feel like no matter what he does I'm trapped and I will never be able to leave. i obviously don't trust him and I'm finding it hard to process. He sent me a few unpleasant messages last night as I accidentally fell asleep at my mums and told me not to come over until tonight. i feel like I have an opportunity to leave since he is in a bad mood, not sure if that makes sense but I feel like I. Will just go back to him. I'm finishing work in 2 hours and I just don't know what to do.

Heh has never physically hurt me back feel like I don't have a good enough reason to end it for good.

I feel so much more relaxed when I'm at my mums house, he relies on me for everything aswell, I have to drive him on a 2 hour return trip to work most days. I feel like he will lose his job without me and he will get angry and blame me.

It would be nice or just focus on myself.

cheers

Feeling desperate & trapped

Croix — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 03:01:26 GMT

Dear Pinkroses~
Thank you for posting, not something one normally does, but a good idea. I see you may have other posts but as I don’t know where they are I’ll treat this one as the first.

I guess what you are looking for is an outside perspective, on your own account I don’t really think you need it. After all you did say:-

i feel like no matter what he does I'm trapped and I will never be able to leave

Nobody normally feels in any way tapped in a good relationship. Sure there could be an occasional argument but not feeling trapped. You have already listed financial pressure, verbal abuse, being drunk, driving your car illegally, weird stuff on social media, dictatorial behavior and so on. Not a pretty list.

Everybody has to have a relationship where both persons feel loved, supported, happy. They should be able to rely upon and trust their partner, know they are always there for them. Your post clearly says it is not happening here.

Being Bipolar, having Anxiety is enough in itself without all you have described.

From what you say in your post of course you have a reason to leave him for good, and if there are any hassles call the cops.

On another matter you raised, are you currently on treatment for your conditions? I apologize if I’m covering matters unnecessarily, however mental illness needs treatment and support.

This means a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist, therapy, possibly meds, self-help and support. The Facts menu above has a fair amount of information that you may find useful.

Do you have a good relationship with our own family – your mum and others? If so they can be there for you, both if you want to break up from this man, and as importantly with your coping with BP & Anxiety.

Please have a look at the other sections of the Forum to see how others have handled similar situations and illness.

Feel free to post here as often as you would like – you will be met with warmth and understanding.

My best wishes,

Croix

Feeling desperate & trapped

Starwolf — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 03:12:43 GMT

Hi Pinkroses,

Thank you for sharing your story and your distress. It takes courage... and shows you are stronger than you think.

Some people enter a relationship wearing a mask. It is heart-breaking when time reveals the person we are with is not the person we fell in love with. Time always does tell.

The discrepancy between what we should do and what we can do it is in itself a major stressor. Bridging the gap between both doesn't come easy.

Figuring what goes on between people is difficult for outsiders. But your situation sounds familiar to me as I left a couple of similar relationships. Intimate relationships involve 2 people. First there is your partner's attitude. Then there is your dependency on a relationship which sounds toxic.

I suggest you google narcissistic relationships. Your description of the situation sounds like it could be what you are up against.

Emotional abuse IS abuse. It doesn't leave physical marks but leaves deep mental and emotional scars. No one should be subjected to any form of abuse. No one should think they must continue to be a victim of abuse. There is little you can do about your partner's attitude but there are things you can do to help you get to the root cause of your dependency on something which is harmful to you. An open, honest talk with a counselor would help clarify your side of the story to yourself.

This link may be worth copying into your browser :

https://au.reachout.com/what-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship

You deserve to be treated with respect and tlc. You are worried about what will happen to your partner if you leave... but you can't be responsible for another adult. You are the one who matters here. He's doing OK but you're obviously not. So worrying about what would happen to YOU if you stayed is the priority.

Take good care of yourself, Pinkroses. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you keep safe.

Feeling desperate & trapped

monkey_magic — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 05:07:18 GMT

Hi beautiful girl, I have been in your shoes & worse. I used to always feel trapped, he changed & I was still in love with the old him but he became different. I also lost trust because of his emotional/ physical interaction with other woman on line...he became co- dependant on me which I felt was unhealthy. He gave me anxiety!! And he drank to cope, that's when the emotional/ mental abuse was the worst. I won't lie, its painful to leave but its possible. I left!!! My health,safety,& strength as a woman came first. You matter !!!! You deserve love & respect. When one door closes another one opens. The grass is greener on the otherside. Let no one take advantage of you.....deep down only u know what u need to do....you know....its inside of u....sending u love, strength & understanding through this difficult time. Stay true to yourself x

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 05:14:01 GMT

I did forget to add in he drinks to cope aswell. As soon as he is paid he will buy 2 bottles and drink 1 each day (2 days in a row). it makes me very uncomfotable as it isn't nice to see.
thank you for your kind words- i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text...well that morning he had sent one, and then sent another at 11:30pm saying come over...so I did. i just want to leave and not ever hear from him again but i don't see that being realistic. he is currently with me at my mums house sleeping after night shift so that his dog could have company with my dog.

im too ashamed to tell my mum, we are super close and i absoloutley adore her - she is like my best friend. she is awesome and supportive but i just don't feel comfortable saying that he has cheated and what not. she knows he is dependent on me & ca be kind of nasty but does not know the full extent.
i don't know what to do next.

Feeling desperate & trapped

JessF — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 05:20:28 GMT

Hello pinkroses, I second all the posts above, and for Starwolf's advice as to investigating the root of all this... why do you feel so dependent on something that is harming you? Why is not "realistic" to leave? Can you list the reasons why you can't? Why can't you be open with your mother - is it because your'e afraid she will tell you what we all have... that this man needs to be out of your life?

Feeling desperate & trapped

monkey_magic — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 05:22:40 GMT

Great to hear back from u. Can I ask what he wrote in the abusive text just to get an understanding of how u r being treated? Its awesome that u respect yourself to know u deserve better & that u have ur mum as ur best friend. Its a scary thing to make big changes. I think one day when u feel stronger & ready ull prob tell ur mum,I mean that's what they r there for. Sounds like she's loves u a lot xxx

Feeling desperate & trapped

Starwolf — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 05:46:14 GMT

Hi Pinkroses,

You say your Mum is your best friend, awesome and supportive. So let me ask a few questions that came to my mind while reading your last post...as your best friend, don't you think she'd like to know the truth ? As her best friend, don't you think she ought to know ? Doesn't it feel like living a lie ? I am sure your Mum holds your well being being close to her heart. Wouldn't her support help you make the right decision ? As a Mum myself, I would feel awful knowing my daughter is suffering but hiding her distress from me.

Do you see staying in a toxic relationship as "realistic" ?

Of course, I don't need answers but I would like you to ask yourself those questions and answer them to yourself in all honesty. For your own sake.

Because I care. Because as a mother, I shudder at the thought of your pain and of you settling for more of the same.

I know leaving is not easy but please, consider reassessing where this relationship is going.

Feeling desperate & trapped

Croix — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 07:42:58 GMT

Dear Pinkroses~

You are doing a great job of talking to all the people here and are giving an ever-clearer picture of your life and your relationship with this man, and your relationship with your mother. That's good. You are good too, your humanity and also you love for your mother shines through.

As someone who has has stepped back from the to and fro of talk in this thread for a little while a couple of things stand out to me.

Firstly you have described a classic abusive/dependant relationship which the people here such as Starwolf & Steph6 have all seen is going just to get worse. However you return to it and do not seem to want to end it. You yourself said at one time:-

i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text.

Doesn't seem to make sense does it? Well not to me anyway - am I missing something?.

Second although you mentioned BP and Anxiety, you have not said that you are undergoing treatment or anything else about it at all.

Is it possible that your inability to break off this relationship is in any way related to your own perception of yourself?

I'll give you an example from my own past that is sort of the same. I was in the police and I knew a man that went to prison. Before he came to police notice he was a pretty ordinary person in a loving relationship with a lady that cared for him.

After he came out of prison he would have nothing to do with her and ended up with a series of not very nice partners.

Why did he do this? He felt he was no longer a person worthy of love and respect, a second class citizen if you like. He was not a 'bad' person and I went so far as to try to get him a job.

Many people with mental illness - me included at one stage - think of themselves as second class citizens, and doubt that they can enter into a normal balanced relationship. At the same time the very natural desire built into most of us for a soulmate means we might accept second best and try to live with the consequences.

If I'm wrong I apologize. If right it's not the end of the world. Things really can be ok again.

I'd start by saying if you are currently having treatment and go from there.

The folks here really care for you and want to help, even though some have massive problems of their own to cope with (just have a look around).

Please tell us what you think,

Croix

Feeling desperate & trapped

geoff — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 18:04:24 GMT

hello Pinkroses, well there has been a lot of good advice given back to you, and can I just say that you are staying in a r/ship where there will never be a good end for you, because you shouldn't be going back to him after all those nasty texts, that means he has control over you, and from what has been said this is the formula for becoming abusive, even though he's not physical but as he drinks alcohol, you should think about leaving him.
He has cheated on you and this will continue behind your back, plus he stays away for days in a drunken state with whom ever, and I can't see that anything pleasant has been said about him.
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't want you to be hurt and it seems as though it's heading in that direction. L Geoff. x

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 06:44:08 GMT

Hi Goeff,

thank you so much for your response & appologies for the delayed reply...my laptop borke & I have just got a new one.

I have to agree with everything you say. He has told me today that he is going out tomorrow night with people from work but "im not allowed to go because its work people only".

I feel like i have the courage to leave tomorrow when he's gone - i was thinking of leaving a note, outlining why I am leaving him - is that ok to do? or should it only be done in a conversation? I don't feel comfortable doing it face to face as he has quite a temper and I feel like he will suck me back in. I plan on changing my number aswell & in said note stating not to contact me again. i feel happy at the thought of my plan - but is it realistic?

I used to think I could never be on my own but I would rather be on my own than deal with him.

by the way - your dog looks very cute in your picture 🙂

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 06:55:13 GMT

Hi Croix,

thanks for the detailed reply 🙂

in reply to this"i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text.Doesn't seem to make sense does it? Well not to me anyway - am I missing something?."

great question! I have thought about that today & I think i go back because I feel so uncomfortable with "things not being right" Il try to explain the best I can, I don't like conflict? & I think things will be different? That's what keeps coming into my head. But through this forum I have relaised I have to leave. What will things be like for me in 12 months time? probably the same if I stay if not worse. I truely do try to help him - take him to dcotros appointments as he admitted he has depression but he will never take the medication even though he said he wants to not be depressed. I think in the past I have felt guilty leaving him on his own - maybe I like looking after someone. not too sure how my mind seems to work sometimes.

I am currently not on medication as I have tried all the ones recommended however after consult with my gp, psychiatrist and psychologist we didn't see improvement. I would try them for a period of at least 9-12 months but I was told since there is no improvement - discontinue. The only one left for me to try I have been told is for people with seizures but all my healthcare professionals don't believe it is worth the risk as it would most likely cause more problems than usefulness. I work part time at the moment and thrive in that environment since not being on medication for the last 1.5 years. Please let me know if you would like to know more. It's so nice to talk to people as I'm not allowed to have friends.

thank you x

Feeling desperate & trapped

monkey_magic — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 07:12:45 GMT

Sor to jump in. I'd leave a note...& ring the domestic violence line & tell them everything... They will help u with wat to do. Goodluck.

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 08:56:19 GMT

Hi Starwolf -

I have given a bit more detail below to other members.

I would love to tell her but I feel embarrassed and like I need to protect her. She tells her mum everything (including me) even when I ask her not to -she will reveal intimate details I do not want shared. I don't think she means it in a bad way but more that she seems like she can't help herself by telling her mum every little thing about mine & my brothers lives.

She does have some knowledge of the situation - but limited. She knows he drinks, skips work often, doesn't want me having friends, makes me drive him everywhere and guilt's me into lending him large amounts of money. But she doesn't really seem too concerned as much as she loves me.

Feeling desperate & trapped

Apollo_Black — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 09:05:53 GMT

Not allowed to have friends?? What the? Is that from your boyfriend???

Please note that the following is internet advice only and doesn't substitute professional advice:

Ok, so how's you're plan going for leaving him completely? You need to promise yourself - once you've gone, that's it, there's no going back ok?? You're going to go dark, no contact.....

I agree with writing a note but I wouldn't saying anything other than "It's over, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. Please do not attempt to contact or find me. I have changed my phone number, etc". You need to tell everything to your mother though, I think it's important for her to know. Also, she'll need to know in case he rocks up at her house. In the event that he does he should not be admitted under any circumstances and told to leave. If he doesn't call the police. I think your mother would agree after you've informed her of the situation. Make sure you keep all evidence of his abusive texts.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, but given all the advice above regarding not tolerating his behaviour you need to take action and completely eject this guy from your life. I wish you strength and courage. Don't do it alone though. It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your mother, so she would want to know what's troubling you and what this guy is doing to you. Definitely re-visit the suggested the links above regarding what to do in an abusive relationship. Wishing you Godspeed.

Feeling desperate & trapped

Croix — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 12:25:36 GMT

Dear Pinkroses~
First I want to thank you, not so much for replying but for taking my question seriously and thinking about yourself and the answer before posting - not everyone is capable of doing that.

One of the things I seem to do to you is feed your own words back to you. This is not because I want to make life difficult, or show disapproval or any silly thing like that.

I actually respect you and think you a lovely person and have some very fine qualities. You are able to state matters clearly, you can ponder your own motives, you can respond in sensible conversation. You are a loving person and do indeed enjoy the role of carer.

It is precisely because you are the person I’ve just described that all the posters in this thread are unhappy with your situation.

You said I'm not allowed to have friends

This is a symptom that your world is shrinking, I don’t just mean you don’t have friends and therefor your world is smaller, I mean you have reached the state of mind where you can accept this. Do you see what I mean?

Your world will continue to shrink, things that when you were younger you would have thought completely alien will become acceptable to you. His control of you will become greater, whilst he will feel at liberty to engage in whatever behavior he fancies.

A relationship has to be two-way and equal. If not you become a victim – and you are galloping towards that state.

Looking after someone does indeed feed a basic need, but you in turn have to be looked after by that person too – it’s how things really work in a partnership of love.

There are lots of good things in your message, you enjoy your work, and you have reached some sort of stability in your mental state. You love your mum and she loves you.

Please think of all the people have said, take your courage and act to protect yourself.

We will be here

Croix

Feeling desperate & trapped

Starwolf — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 00:36:38 GMT

Hi Pinkroses,

Reading through your posts, I can only see 2 facts. His need to control and your over dependency on a toxic relationship. Neither are to be confused with love, though they can disguise as such.

Love is only possible between equals.

You say you like to look after people. Quite commendable but it seems the one who needs looking after most right now is you.

What makes you think you deserve to be controlled, bullied, restrained in such a way ? Finding the answer will set you free.

It is my wish for you.

Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 07:41:51 GMT

Hi Starwolf, I started another thread after this one. not sure if you have seen it.

Thank you so much for your advice. you know what I have been really thinking about what you said and you are 100% correct. I think for sure I am dependent on that relationship.
Thanks to everyone here though I feel like I have the tools to improve my life and learn to be single. yes it will be hard.
I think I deserve to be controlled and bullied for many reasons. as much as it pains me to say I carry a lot of guilt. My father passed away after high school and he was an alcoholic. I will always feel guilty I couldn't or didn't help him. Also I struggle with the fact I am stalked everyday & have been for the past 7 years, my fiancee helped me with that for awhile and I felt so greatful to have someone "protecting me" however that obviously changed. I guess I'm worried to he may give the stalker my personal photos or email address since he has all the stalkers details e.g. name, facebook account link & address. I think if you read my next forum post you may find some more info too.

thank you so much.