topic The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope. in Relationship and family issues

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 02:30:59 GMT

Hi everyone, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, I take my medication and see my psychologist at least once a month. I try to eat right and exercise, and catch up with friends whenever I have the energy. I have my beautiful rescue dog to keep me company and encourage me to keep active. I really try to battle against this problem, but it seems the harder I try, the more it ends up hurting.

I recently put myself out there on a dating website and got to know some wonderful people. There was one I was particularly interested in and we started dating. Everything was going so well and I felt so happy for once. Yesterday he broke up with me. I am shattered. It took so much courage for me to sign up for online dating and to let him in.

I guess I just want to hear from others that there is hope, that love exists. I would really love to hear from people that have had positive experiences and can help me fight my demons. The depression tells me to give up, that it's not worth it, that it's better just to be alone than risk getting hurt. Usually I can try to control my thoughts and not let the depression take hold but I am really struggling right now. I'd really love some positive words to try to push back all the negatives in my mind. I just can't see the positives right now. Any help would really be appreciated.

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

pipsy — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 03:58:46 GMT

Hi Boo1986. A warm welcome to the forums. Congrats for having the courage to join an online dating website. I've often considered it. When the guy broke up, did he give reason? Sometimes there is no connection, or only a one way type connection. I'm sorry it didn't work, you have a lot of unanswered questions, what did you say/do wrong. Maybe it was more him than you, perhaps he wasn't comfortable or ready to get involved. Taking these feelings of rejection as 'one of those things' is so hard when your emotions are involved. You are grieving too for what may have been. As hard as it is, the best way to recover is to: as the saying goes, 'get back on the horse'. In other words, give it another go. I realize you may not wish to try again, but this is exactly what you need to do. Everyone here has been through this feeling of break-up in relationships. It's like being prescribed AD's, you keep trying till you connect. Perhaps give yourself some time to accept that this wasn't Mr Right. You never know, next time, you might be the one to 'pull the pin', or next time might turn out to be the one. To try to view it from a different angle, you had some outings, enjoyed the company.

Lynda

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:21:22 GMT

Hi Lynda,

Thank-you for replying to me. Yes I think that has been the hardest part, that he didn't really give a reason. All he said was "I think I need a break to get my thoughts in to place. Feel like what I felt for you when I met you has faded away and can't guarantee it will hold us together in the future. Better to let you know now than to string you along. I'm sorry. I can't help my feelings. You are truly an amazing person in so many ways and I can't understand why I feel the way I do. But I just do unfortunately. I really don't want to hurt you."

I just don't understand how he can think I am an amazing person, but not want to be with me. It all changed so suddenly, I feel I must have done something wrong but I don't know what. This was really my last-ditch effort to find someone. Earlier in the year I had a terrible break up after a 2-year relationship and it had taken me this long to be ready to really give it another try. I just don't think I can do it again. The risk of getting hurt is just too high. I don't think there is anyone out there who is able to love me as tenderly as I need, I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I just can't handle arguments and drama, it seems to affect me more than any of my ex-boyfriends so I always end up being the one to change. I never have the confidence to stand up for myself and make sure the relationship is benefitting me as much as it is them. I really give it my all, I just have nothing left to give.

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

james1 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:21:41 GMT

Hi Boo,

I'm a 25 yo male and after a 4 year relationship break up, I took a bit of a dive in terms of mental health but eventually thought I could give online dating a go. Met this lovely girl who I got along with and we'd started seeing each other exclusively after a month. Then without warning, the day after one awesome date, she just ended it claiming she realised she wasn't physically attracted to me.

So that sucked. I'll never know whether it was cold feet or what, but I did the best I could to say I'd be happy to be friends, then as Lynda said, I jumped back on the horse and had a few conversations with various people.

It's tough, but my psych told me: the bright side is I made a genuine connection with someone. And that's a good thing because it means there'll be others I can connect with too.

James

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

white knight — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:27:14 GMT

Hi and welcome

Building yourself up again once struck down is I'm afraid, part of life. Life isn't easy.

This frequent battle is easier to front for some more than others...some need a helping hand.

Our problem is, we with mental struggles need more of a helping hand than many...hence why you posted.

Ive had 4 long term relationships of over 8 years each. Before I married my current wife I lived with a lady for 10 years and was shattered when it dissolved.

What I did to cope is what I've done previously, keep busy and never give up on yourself, your dreams and the hope of meeting the right guy (as Pipsy said)

This positive frame of mind does rarely cone automatically. You have to learn it but once learned you will never return to the gloom for more than a short time, your rebound will come quickly.

To make this clearer please google

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, how do you get it?- beyondblue

Topic: being positive, what's the secret?- beyondblue

Tony WK

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:28:38 GMT

Thanks James, I appreciate you sharing this. How did you work through the 4 year relationship break up? was it just a matter of "time heals all wounds" or was there anything specific that you found helped you to stay positive?

I feel that it is really cold to have said that to you, especially after things had been going so well. I get upset because I wonder why people aren't willing to work on a relationship, they just give up so easily.

Were you frightened to try again? How did you cope? Has it been worth it to keep trying for you?

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

james1 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:39:21 GMT

hey Boo,

Well, I started coming here! I think my first post ever on BB was in the relationships section. The break up was 31 May, I had two weeks of exams, then some pretty bad depression for the rest of June, then from July I found my way here.

I don't think there's such thing as full closure, but time certainly heals many wounds. There's a song called "For Good" in the Wicked musical. It's all about how, when we lose someone, we haven't really lost them forever. Because they leave a "handprint on [our] heart" and change us for good. I think it's true and I think accepting that, even if we never speak or meet again, it's not like that chapter of my life is just gone, because I've changed a lot since meeting her and through those 4 years. That was really the positive in my post-break up. To know that I'd changed.

Yeah, I didn't mind too much because I preferred having a reason than not. And I definitely agree it's so upsetting when people aren't willing to work on something. But sometimes it's because they're struggling with something else. I know this new interest had some issues with her previous break up.

I was pretty put off dating again. I mean, when you pour everything into someone and a relationship, just to have it torn apart like that...it shatters your confidence. But I tried to remind myself of the fact that I did get in a relationship to start with. What did they like? They liked talking to me. I must be interesting at least to some people, even if not as many as I'd like. I found that helped - just to recognise that people must've found something worthwhile in me.

I think it's good to have a little bit of a think first about what you think you are good at and why people have liked you in the past, whether as friends or more. There must be something 🙂 Then, I'd say yes, trying again is nice even if scary and a bit off putting at times. But take it easy! Because just like job seeking, there are lots of good jobs out there, but lots of rejections too!

James

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Quiettall — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:46:55 GMT

Hi Boo

I wanted to encourage you to keep on reaching out. Just because you have had one rejection from your friend you met on the online setup, dont give up. After my divorce many years ago, I had the same hopeless feelings, as well as anxiety. However, I was determined, with the encouragement of those who said I should take a risk and reach out to others. Yes, I did have knock-backs and hurts, but I have met some wonderful people, remarried, and live a more fulfilling life than ever before. I still suffer from sadness and anxiety about the hurt and loss of relationship with my children after the divorce 25 years ago, but there is so much to live for, and love.

Chin up, keep posting and there are people her who are only too willing to encourage and support you

Peter

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 04:47:43 GMT

Thanks Tony, some great reading there, good for me to refer back to in moments of despair. I have copied and pasted into my emails for personal reference. I try to be positive, most people close to me when I (after many years of suffering in silence) felt I was strong enough to tell my close friends and family that I had been suffering with depression for many years, was seeing a psychologist and taking medication, they were all shocked. They said I seemed so happy, that I was always laughing and cheering other people up. I don't want to have depression, and I don't want it to beat me. I am just so tired. I don't know how long I can keep trying to keep my head above water before I'll drown.

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 05:03:45 GMT

Thanks James,

Even though I can't really feel as up-beat as I would like to at the moment, reading your reply it seems like you are very up-beat and this gives me hope.

I guess he liked something, but I fear it was only skin deep. I wish more people could see beneath that I am just a fragile person who wants to be loved and understood. I wish people cared more about who I am and not how I look.

Than-you for understanding.

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 05:11:16 GMT

Thank-you Peter, it took a lot for me to reach out today. I don't like to bother people with my problems but I know what the consequences can be when I don't ask for help so I thought I could at least try. It has been very positive to connect with people who understand and have taken time out of their own lives to offer me a hand. I really appreciate it. I am so glad you have remarried, even with the pain of not having a relationship with your children, at least you have someone to share the experience with who loves you. I wish the same for myself, it hurts sometimes to see couples together, but knowing you need it and appreciate it like I would makes me happy for you. I don't think some people realise what they have, and what I would do to have that in my life.

Thank-you so much Peter. It is really good to hear from men that have and want lasting connections. I feel I was let down by my mother who taught 'me men only want one thing' and this tends to make me feel bitter, but clearly this does not relate to all men, and there are good, genuine and loyal people out there with big hearts.

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

pipsy — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 06:58:40 GMT

Hey Boo. I'm sorry you feel as though there's no-one special out there. I felt that way too. I was married for 25 years, left him last year when I just couldn't take anymore crap. I, like you had decide there was no-one I could relate to either. However, unexpectedly I have met someone else who cares for me. We won't ever live together, but that is no reason not to enjoy hearing from him. He is special in that, through him I have re-discovered myself. I also know when we do see each other again, we will enjoy our time together. There are men who want to commit fully to a relationship, these men often have the same problems you have experienced in trying to find their own, 'Mrs Right'. I too get pangs of hurt when I see couples who appear to have everything I seem to have lost. However, I get a thrill when I hear from the guy in my life and just knowing he is there is enough for me. I'm sure that there is the right guy for you. He will know where to look for your inner beauty. Please don't let one bad experience stop you from enjoying future good experiences. You sound like you have a great capacity to love.

Lynda

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 21:42:52 GMT

I just want to thank everyone so much who has replied to me, I was having such a bad day yesterday but today I feel a little better. I really appreciate the time you have all taken to help me. It makes me feel like I am worth something, like people really do care. Thank-you all so much for giving me a little piece of hope. xoxoxo

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Kazzaroo — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 11:56:58 GMT

Hi Boo

My daughter 25 is going through the heartbreak right now of a 2 year relationship ending (it was her first relationship) she didnt see it coming and right now shes a MESS!! They had never had a fight or anything and got on extremely well. He said I love you on the Sunday week before Xmas...then the next day it was over. He basically said the relationship wasnt for him and its not fair to drag her along....even tho he said she is the best thing that ever happened to him over the past 2 years and it was hard to end it. But from what Ive gathered it was getting to the point where he was going to ask her to move in (he is 29 and hadnt had a relationship for 6 years prior to my daughter) but he has basically said he is the sort of person that wants his own space and and is very solitary and that he doesnt think he will EVER be able to live with someone else the way he is. But he did go on Tinder 2 weeks after the breakup and my daughter had been shown a pic of him with some other girl....but Im thinking thats a fun thing for him with no strings attached.....not sure.....but i was reading your situation and was just wondering how you are doing since its been over a month since your last post?? The pain Im seeing in my daughter is so great and it hurts me so bad seeing her such a mess.....has it got any better for you? with time? Kazz x

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 00:05:26 GMT

Hi Kazz, don't lose hope! Your daughter will be ok soon. The longer the relationship the longer it will take, but it will get better for her.

I am feeling much better now. I guess it is just a matter of perspective. I remember my first break up in my teens, we were together for about 2 years and it took me about 6 months of being terribly depressed (my worst bout ever, I didn't want to see friends, just worked and came home and cried, was not eating or sleeping well, only 40kgs) but it started to get better after 6 months or so. More recently I had another break up after about 2 years but my depression afterwards was nowhere near as severe and only lasted about 3 months.

After the break-up with the guy from the dating website I felt like giving up but sought advice and got some great encouragement from people here, close friends and my psychologist. I reactivated my dating account and recently started seeing someone new. I am terrified if things don't work out but trying not to let that hold me back. It is a long road but there is hope. I wish it were easier for us all to find genuine and loving companions.

Do you think your daughter would respond well to having a pet? Rescuing a dog is incredibly rewarding and has helped me so much not to feel lonely.

I hope things get better soon, don't give up xoxo

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Just Sara — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 02:39:45 GMT

Hi and welcome Kazz; (Sorry to butt in Boo, just came across this thread)

There's a grieving process that needs to happen after a relationship ends; for very personal reasons, as well as common one's.

For some, especially young people, this grief can be like a death in the family. Fantasies of a dress worn down the aisle with smiling onlookers for instance, is common for a girl. This talks of wanting their partner to become family; that's where it gets emotional. Grief takes on a whole new concept when this occurs.

For me, it wasn't having my 'friend and lover' to go to for comfort and companionship; loneliness was the enemy. Yes, I did dwell on the 'why's' for a time, but more-so was the hole it left in my world.

Grief is about 'loss'. I figured, (eventually) I was better off without him, so my goals and focus became about me and 'my' future instead of investing everything in him and his dreams. This isn't to say I don't care. It's just that we tend to lose ourselves in relationships as Boo says. Staying aware of our individuality goes a long way!

Boo; I'm really happy for you and the calm you've found.

Kazz; good luck with your daughter. Just one thing; sleep is essential for on-going wellness and balanced thought. Also, maybe looking thru wedding dress mags with her might lift her spirits, especially doing this with her mum. (Looking to future prospects instead of what 'could've been')

My best...Sara

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Kazzaroo — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 10:07:55 GMT

Thanks so much Boo for replying xx I hope she will be ok soon. Her breakdowns arent as severe now or as frequent....its been about 6 weeks now since its happened. We still have tears though. The problem she has is she keeps texting him all the time and stalks him on facebook (even though it appears he has her blocked) and ive told her NOT to but she keeps doing it. She wont let go of the hope that he wants her back. She goes to our sporting club knowing he will be there...They had a chat Sat night for a couple of hours just the two of them and they were laughing etc.....and she asked do you miss me and he nodded yes. The next day she asked to catch up but he said he had other plans and she said we got on so well last night, and he said I was being civil and I dont want you to get the wrong idea and he said its too early to catch up at this stage. Even tonight she was texting him saying she wants him back. But he is adding girls on facebook etc and she said to me that is what he gives her anxiety the fact that he will get with another girl and it not be her!!! But she did say tonight that he has changed hasnt he mum.......he is all different now he is single.....so to me thats maybe a little step forward with her noticing that? My daughter still at home and we have pets as well 🙂 One of the girls she works with said to me he was batting way above his average having my daughter....she reckons she is too gorgeous for him. I think there is still a bit of a way to go but a couple of weeks ago she was laying on her floor in a ball crying and throwing things and throwing up........to now where she is still having tears but not as bad so hopefully as time goes it will get easier. We are taking it day by day but she HAS to stop all contact with him!! I know he will never take her back he is enjoying the single life too much I just wish she would let go of some of that hope. Im glad you are back in the saddle so to speak Boo and thank you for sharing where you are at now because its giving me some hope...good luck with your new adventure and stay well......and keep in contact!! xx Kazz xx

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Kazzaroo — Wed, 25 Jan 2017 10:14:47 GMT

Thank you so much Sara xx

I was struggling with it all as much as my daughter is. But Im feeling a lot better now.....every now and then I feel a bit sad but I think mine is more getting down with seeing my daughter so sad. She is still very distraught about it all BUT we arent having major meltdowns now....just the tears....and I think its the loneliness of it all. Back when I had my first breakup we didnt have all this social media and online stuff or even mobile phones so it was a lot easier to not think about them and get over them a lot faster.....now because of everything being at the fingertips it just makes it so hard. *Fingers crossed as time goes by it will get easier and easier for her*. Reading my prior posts I can see a difference......but its still early days and still very hard.... she loves and idolises this guy beyond words. xx Kazz xx

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 01:18:11 GMT

You are a great mum Kazz, it really sounds like she is on the right track. She will get there, she just loved him deeply and may always have something in her heart for him. It is a shame that he doesn't want to be with her... I'm sure with the love she has, he couldn't hope for anything better! I hope that some lovely young man comes along and sweeps her off her feet and her ex will be wishing he never let her go!!!

The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Kazzaroo — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 05:42:47 GMT

Thanks Boo xx I think she still has a long way to go she still has the tears happening here and there.... but I havent heard the "I can't do this" for a while.....but she still does say "This is BS" how this has all happened... the issue is she still texts him all the time and he answers.....I said to her again this morning you know he wont get back with you? she said I know but you never know what might happen in a few months!! So she has STILL got this hope he will change her mind. She was soooooo good to him let him do his own thing when he wanted.... catch up with his mates whenever he wanted.....cleaned his house etc.....and I think your right I dont think he will find someone as caring and loving and generous as my daughter... end of the day I just keep saying to myself he said he doesnt want to be in a relationship he just wants to do his own thing.....and it wasnt anything personal against my daughter he just wants to live the single life.... but I know IF he gets in another relationship it will kill her. She isnt putting any effort in looking for someone else she is just holding onto hope. Its only been 6 weeks and to me thats still early days. Compared to what she was at the start til now I can see a lot of improvement but Im not sure if thats because she still has the hope in her mind. My daughter doesnt have a huge circle of friends and doesnt go out to find anyone anyway.......but you never know when that man in shining armour might unexpectedly cross paths with her and then THEY will be the lucky one to have such a sweet and caring girl. Hows things going for you Boo?? Hope its good.....Keep in touch xxx Kazz xxxx