topic Will he come back? in Relationship and family issues

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 11:03:43 GMT

Hi,

my husband left me and my daughter , 3 weeks ago. It was quite sudden for me. Is it possible he will come back after a separation? Does it happen? What makes it happen?

also how do I truly know there is no one else in his life?

sad and lonely

kat

Will he come back?

Apollo_Black — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 12:42:14 GMT

Hi Kat

I'm so sorry. I had to look back to your original post. I can feel your pain and I want you to know that you're not alone.

how old is your daughter? Is you husband at least coming to spend time with her?

My wife left me a few months ago and took our son with her. It took a few weeks for me to get to see him and I only have him three nights a fortnight. It's all a big mess.

I can't answer your question but as hard as it is be strong for your daughter. have you been in touch with him at all??

Will he come back?

Just Sara — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 13:33:06 GMT

Hi and welcome Kat to BeyondBlue Forum;

Your situation is a difficult one that many unfortunately go thru. My husband left when I was 30 wks pregnant. It's never easy I'm afraid.

It's impossible for anyone to 'guess' what's going to happen, but taking control of your life and your daughters is a good start. Relying on your husband to come back, or for him to be completely honest and open, and see things go your way, is a horrible waiting game that may last for some time and never be realised.

Please take time to look after yourself so you can be at your best for your daughter. Surround yourself with good compassionate people and find support resources to alleviate financial burdens etc.

If you need to talk at any time day or night, BB crisis chat phone service on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 131114 can provide much needed 'live' counselling with people who are trained and eager to help.

More than the above, only ask questions you yourself can answer. You can't go into anyone else's head or project what fantasies you desire. The truth is a hard reality sometimes, but you'll get thru it.

Please be kind, gentle and patient with yourself and others each day. I wish you success and peace in the coming months...

Sara (Hugs)

Will he come back?

geoff — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 17:00:45 GMT

dear Kat, it's very possible that he has someone else, at the moment you obviously don't know, but for him to just get up and go without any explanation is always an indication, because if he wasn't suffering from any type of depression, it could be very real, however if he was suffering from mental illness he would have said why he's going and maybe something you might have expected.
It would be good to know how his mood was, but can I suggest that he does have someone else at the moment, and for him to return back to you is always a good chance, because his guilt will overtake him, however how do stop his wandering eyes, but hope that you do reply back so that we can continue. Geoff. x

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Tue, 06 Dec 2016 23:56:46 GMT

We still talk and see each other . He sees our 4 year old whenever he likes at our home . However the last time it was a week before he saw her, I felt so sad for her as she knows what is going on (to an extent) she misses him so much and asks for him daily doesn't understand why, heck I still don't understand why myself

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 00:01:28 GMT

Hi Geoff , every time I ask him he says there is no one else. He was talking to a woman and I would call it an emotional affair. I think she lured him away, sure there were issues with us but she lured him. I hope he does feel guilt and pain for the pain he is causing us . When other people ask me is there a woman , I say that he told me no there isn't, but I know they are laughing at my naivety .

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 00:04:36 GMT

To me, it feels like he is suffering from something , depression or mid life crisis . But I don't think he thinks that. I told him to go to a GP and he reckons he will but I don't believe him

Will he come back?

Apollo_Black — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 00:51:22 GMT

Hey Kat. My son has just turned 5. I think it must be very confusing for children particularly at this age. I am constantly reminded that children are resilient and will adapt. I don't think it is helpful however when the parents remain confused and when the parent who has moved out seems them randomly. They like routine and familiar things. I don't see my son often enough, but at least I have defined times he is with me and when he is with her.

So I think for everyone's sake you need some kind of outcome to what's going on. So if you are separated then you come to an agreed parenting plan with a regular visitation schedule. Or you agree to work on your marriage and get counselling. I think for your daughter's welfare some kind of arrangement needs to be made. It will help with your sanity too.

Mind you I am coming from an entirely different perspective when it comes to your husband. But whatever he's doing isn't cool. If he's finished with the marriage he needs to say so. If he's seeing someone else he needs to say so. To keep some kind of horrible limbo going isn't good for anyone. I think you need to tell him that it's confusing for your daughter, that she's asking for him and you need a combined agreement to be made to keep things as stable for her as possible. You need to be able to tell your daughter (in an age appropriate way) sooner or later

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 11:57:48 GMT

Thanks for your kind words . I am so sorry to hear your situation. My question to people out there who leave , why do You commit or marry in the first place? What happened to people wanting to make a relationship/Marriage work? Why do they run or get scared of failure

Will he come back?

Just Sara — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 12:49:17 GMT

Thanks for getting back to me Kat;

'They' is a mighty big word considering the person you need to ask this of is your husband. Knowing what I do, it's probable you want to know what 'you' did to make him leave right? Why is it always 'our' fault?? Why can't it be 'them'?

In my case I didn't have time to think about such things until therapy yrs later. By then he'd remarried and my son was at school. My ex died in June this yr after only knowing his (adult) son for a few yrs.

We can't predict life or continue to keep asking 'why'. It's the why's that get us into strife Kat. Too many variables and not enough time spent on ourselves. Too busy worrying about 'them'.

They, them, he or she...where is 'I'??

Once you get this, things will begin to fall into place. The 'Serenity Prayer' saved my sanity. I keep it on my fridge to remind me 'I' have no control over others and I don't need to know the why's anymore. It is what it is, they are who they are.

I can act on my own behalf and that of my son when he was little. I studied, got a great paying job and gave us a decent life. It was shit hard, but life requires sacrifice and hardship sometimes. My son and I are who we are because I got on with life, regardless of 'their' situation.

I didn't get any money from my ex even though he was only to contribute $5 pr week!! No cards or contact with his son; father's day was horrible in our home.

All I'm saying, is that when you think of your marriage, do you ask yourself about what he thinks of you, or do you ask yourself what you want and think of him?? Is he right for you hun? Why do you want him back? Love? Love is respect, empathy, sensitivity and courage. All those qualities that make us feel better.

I chanted; "I love and respect myself' for weeks every time I thought of it. It bought out my insecurities and pain, then finally I realised who my ex was, he wasn't about love.

I hope I haven't lectured you too much. This issue is close to home for me, and saving you from yourself is on my mind. It still hurts sometimes.

Take care ok?

Sara xo

Will he come back?

geoff — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 16:54:09 GMT

dear Kat, that's a very good question to ask, however people decide to get married because at that time they believe that the marriage will last as long as it takes before one of you passes away from old age, but during the marriage different cicumstances may change that were never thought would happen.
As we get older our tastes and interests change in another direction which might not be the same as our spouse, sometimes the relationship is strong enough to still hold you together, but then there are times when it conflicts with our spouse, so you eventually grow apart and want another change in life.
My ex and myself still get on with each other, but we could never live together again, because the same old issues would still be a problem. Geoff.x

Will he come back?

Doolhof — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 22:00:08 GMT

Hi SydneyKat,

You have received some wonderful replies here. I don't know that anyone can really answer the question "Why do people leave and will they come back"

As mentioned in other posts, people leave for all kinds of reasons. If you were to ask people you could come up with thousands of reasons.

It seems to me that you really do need to ensure your daughter believes in all her heart that she had nothing to do with your husband leaving. You both need reassurance and assistance to rebuild your lives and learn to adapt to these changed circumstances.

My parents used to fight a lot. As a child I wanted to run away, wanted Mum to stay away when she left the house for weeks at a time and wanted to live with other people or go permanently to a boarding school. Anywhere but home would have been a good option.

You and your daughter both need to find a sense of still belonging and self worth.

Hope yo find some answers and are receiving all the help you need right now.

From Mrs. Dools

Will he come back?

SydneyKat — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 21:18:31 GMT

Thank you Sara , you sound like a strong woman. Thanks for sharing . It's good to be reminded of what reality is too, and that I need to focus on me, something I never do , never do I take time for me. I will also print out the prayer and stick on my fridge.