topic Lonely, lost and in need of some help in Relationship and family issues

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 07:08:02 GMT

Hello.

I need some help. I live interstate, all my family live in Sydney. I have two friends here, one of which is having a baby and at times i feel used by her. I am in a job which i find isolating and because i travel so much, i have found it very difficult to make friends and find a solid ground in Perth. I need to make changes in my life - and I am aware of this...

I am in a relationship with a man who is 13 years my senior, we have been together for about 9 months. I know he loves me, and has told me a million times he would marry me. I want these things so badly too - just not with him. He has made me feel like he is all i have, and although i have removed myself from him many times he always finds a way back in…perhaps because i feel like he is all i have. When he calls or asks me to do something - i say yes and let him back in. I think he manipulates my kind heartedness and my caring nature. He has turned up at my work a few times unannounced, has turned up at my house, one time made me feel like he would hurt me yet makes me feel happy when i am with him because i have someone to be with and hang out with.

I was at dinner with him the other night, and a few of his friends were there, and i looked around and felt sad because i thought this is not my life. This is not me and i cannot be around older men .. 50 + for the rest of my life.

He has not helped me in Perth with finding friends, and has not introduced me to anyone or anything here. I feel increasingly isolated and alone. When family or friends come to visit me he is unhappy about this and makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself.

I need help to find myself again,i have lost my spark and my light. No one understands and i feel like i have nothing.

my thoughts are irrational, i know I am so lucky and blessed and i need to let him go but i am scared.

Any thoughts and advice i would love.x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Jugglin_Strugglin — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 07:33:56 GMT

Hi Cleo, and Welcome.

You don't sound irrational to me. Everything you said made sense. I have been in a similar relationship. It is impossible to make a break when you are in this situation. You sound as if you know you don't want to be with him. Obviously, he doesn't want to accept this and is taking advantage of your vulnerability being so far from your family. It is not acceptable really, but I doubt it will change. Have you considered moving back to Sydney. I don't know all of your story, but with what you have said, it sounds as if this would worth thinking about.

Your are not happy in your job, you friend in Perth does not appreciate you, your (ex)partner won't leave you alone to find your own way. It seems you have many reasons to leave Perth. You say you are aware that you must make changes in your life...if it were me I would up sticks and get back to Sydney. It may be easier to organise everything and just go without telling anyone what you are doing. Especially you ex. That way you may make a clean break and will be able to start the next chapter of your life.

with best wishes, Lee x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Croix — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 09:27:41 GMT

Dear Cleo~

Well, Lee has basically said it all and given you a feasible option to consider.

You seem to me to be in a typical abusive relationship. Abusive does not necessarily mean physical violence although you did say one time made me feel like he would hurt me.

The abuse is the unequal relationship. He is controlling you , you are his possession and from his attitude there to please him and attend to his needs. A servant or slave.

It is in his interest for you to be isolated and alone and thus dependent on him for all human needs, again you say makes me feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than himself. Family or friends are a threat to him.

Unfortunately there are some people in life who need another to devote themselves entirely to them and instinctively know how to push all the buttons to make it happen. Notice I say need.

There is no way this is ever going to be an equal partnership, nor a happy integration with your family and friends.

Your spark or light is going out because you are making yourself less a person, more a possession. Time for you to change matters.

Poorly matched job, no true friends, toxic relationship and increasing isolation in the west; family and a fresh start in the east. You want the love and sharing of a marriage, perhaps there.

Feel free to say if I've missed the point - what do you really think?

Croix

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

MsPurple — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 10:38:17 GMT

Hi Cleo

Sorry to hear about your friend and relationship problems. I myself live in a different state to my mum and I have recently moved states, so I know how difficult it is to make new friends and you partner doesn't sound like he is helping.

As hard as this sounds, I think you should be upfront and honest with your friend and partner. You should let them know how you feel. You should ask your partner (if you still want to be with him) to introduce you to his friends and to introduce you to his network. If he is not willing to do this then him saying he wants to marry you isn't showing through his actions. If he doesn't want to it is a big red light to your relationship. He should make you feel welcome with his friends and make sure you are comfortable in a big group situation. Also with your friends you should tell them how you feel and how your feel used by them. I suggest you right a list of all the things you feel like they use you for or issues you have with them. I have started being more upfront with my friend. Now I'm not staying you be too frank and offensive. Just tell them how you feel, this may require some easing into the conversation. I have found it has strengthened my friendship and it has made me feel more valued as a friend and more confident as a person.

When I moved states for the first time I met people through uni and through my student accomodation. When I moved to Brisbane (my most recent move) I met a close friend at the gym. We kept bumping into each other at the gym. We later became gym buddies and friends from there. I also moved into a share house and have become friends with my housemate and have hung out with him and his friends. It is hard to make friends but being open to meeting people is the first step. I also have met friends through work. Try go to work functions and events and see how it goes.

I hopeI have gotten most of it down. Let me know if we need to add something. Keep us updated

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Apollo_Black — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 11:17:15 GMT

Why are you in Perth?

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 08:25:48 GMT

Long story - I was offered a job in Perth. And took the position. Leap of faith. New experiences.

Thought the worst thing that would happen, is that I didn't like it.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Apollo_Black — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 09:24:27 GMT

It's a ballsy move to uproot and move states. You're totally nerfing your strength. Somehow, like you've said, you're in a rut and need a push.

It sounds like the relationships you have established in Perth are relatively unfulfilling. You've ? broken up with this guy a few times now but you keep getting back together. Perhaps it's a combination of you being a not so good "ender" and him being pushy and not taking no for an answer. You're a "nice girl" and probably have poor boundaries, which he abuses to get his way every time. I think you know he's no good for you so there's not a lot of value in me highlighting the red flags he is displaying. It sounds like you just need a bit of courage and better boundaries to make things happen so you can move on. Your friend issue, work status, etc is the combo probably causing some unwanted confusion, like you said "my thoughts are irrational". It's pretty normal to feel like you need him because he's all you've got - you just need that push to realise that you don't need him, that you can create firm boundaries and maintain the strength to resist his convincing "let me back in" tactics.

Perhaps you need to take some time to plan a few things out. Is Perth done and it's time to move on? You did think that you might not like it as a worse case scenario. Is there another job in Perth which is more social? There's nothing better for self-esteem than getting fitter, joining a gym. You might meet people there like Ms Purple said. Can you cook? Doesn't matter, do a cooking class. All these things focus on establishing a sense of self and effectively reduce reliance on "having to be with someone because I'm lonely". I mean it's important to have the company, but if it's not right then press eject an move on.

Anyway, I'm babbling now. Take you time to think things through. Feel muddled? Go for a brisk walk and things might flow better. Put your feelers out for other work if you need to. Maybe plan a holiday back to Sydney so you can spend quality time with friends and family there. There's a book you might like called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway". Although, you've made a big move to get to Perth, you can do this. You have the power to get out of your funk and take some action. Feel the fear and do it anyway. If you break it off with this guy make sure you're direct and leave no room for misinterpretation. If he threatens you, call the police. Good luck. We people of the internet are rooting for you 🙂

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 10:12:09 GMT

Lee,

Thank you for your words. I feel they have given strength to my feelings. I have found it impossible to break from him (as you've said). At times I would lie to him and tell him I was away when actually I was in Perth, it was the only way I could have a break from him.

Every time I talk to him in person about my feelings of isolation and loneliness he says my logic is flawed and that we can get through it together. I understands he loves me, but he won't let me go …!

I called him today, on the way home from work and told him enough was enough. And that I couldn't do it anymore. That i needed time for me and that i couldn't have everything in my life revolve solely around him. I know i have probably hurt him, and i hope this time he will not call me anymore. He said he wanted to see me…but he'll weasel his way back in if I do.

I feel so alone. But I hope this is for the best

I need to find my strength again

I have organised to see a psychologist. I just want someone to hang out with. I feel so lonely it kills me at times and i cannot see much light

I am contemplating going back to Sydney, but part of me feels as though I would have failed if i go back. Will keep trying to settle in. I thought people at work would have tried to help me a little bit.

As i have said, my friend is lovely..but i feel she uses me. asking me to pick up her dry cleaning, drive her places and do things. As well as other things that I would never ask any one to do.

Hoping times will change.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 10:16:06 GMT

CRoix,

What do I really think? …. Hmm. I feel he is manipulating and marginally abusive. I agree. But I also feel he is all I have. Which is my conundrum.

I have told him today, over the phone, which i found easier to distance myself, as in person he always turns it around on me and tells me my logic is flawed or that he loves me and he'll help me make it all better. Anywho, i told him i can't do it anymore and that i need time to myself. Not how i feel you should break up with someone, but every other time i feel afraid of what he'll say or do.

I do. Sharing and Love. Indeed. I would love for someone to come and rescue me from here and my job… but i know only I can do this.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

plodalong — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 10:50:58 GMT

hi Cleo, this gentleman friend is definitely showing some red flags. Please be careful. It sounds as though you want to end the relationship. Please be careful when you do this, that the man doesn't harm you. I don't mean to worry you.. but do be careful. There are *always* ways you can find and meet new friends and people. Even if you do feel isolated atm. Hang in there - I don't mean with the relationship! 🙂 Do not be manipulated. Take really good care of *you*. bye.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 11:22:25 GMT

Dear plod along

Thank you. I will be careful, I have a gut instinct telling me just this

He has sent a photo or two of us together - probably manipulative?

I will stay strong.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Jugglin_Strugglin — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 11:25:13 GMT

Thanks for reply. I know you will find strength. I worry it will be harder while you are physically available for him to feed on your vulnerabilities. I doubt he will give you space.

As for failure, I Googled failure quotes. There are many for inspiration. I have taken the liberty of pasting a few to spur you on.... (Apologies for the overload, there are so many that I got carried away myself, but I hope at least one might resonate and help you to see things in a different light)

Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.

No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.

----------

I hope you can find a place where you mind and you heart both agree on the best way forward. Decisions like this are never easy. I lived in Perth for 5 years for study, coming from SA. I know what it's like to feel like a fish out of water over there. It's a long way away.

Can you picture where you'll be in 1 or 2 or 5 years depending on what you choose to do now? Maybe that will make things clearer. I might even try that myself!! I'm at a similar crossroad atm. I have to tell myself that a decision needn't be fatal, I might get it wrong, but there is will always be another fork in the road ahead, I guess. I'm a master procrastinator, sigh.

Time for zzzs. Goodnight. Leex

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 12:56:06 GMT

It's not that he hasn't introduced me to people. He has to some. He moved here after I told him not too from up North, but has a large number of contacts here. They seem to be a little rougher and much older than I.

I will keep trying to settle in. My job takes me away from Perth on a regular yet sporadic basis. So that is an issue -

Gym. Done.

When I feel low and alone, i feel myself thinking I made a mistake leaving him. But I was less happy with him. There was no future between us.

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 13:04:29 GMT

I am in a rut. Until I pull myself out of this mud… there is no hope. It is a vicious cycle

Yes. I have broken up with him many times. The last of which he moved here after I told him not to. But this must be the last time. I am beyond unhappy and I constantly look tired and feel drained.He won't take no for an answer, you're right. Historically at least he hasn't. But I am hoping he will leave me now

I am nice..perhaps to my detriment in this case, and so when he calls me in tears (he's 41) and unable to breathe and telling me his he is having heart pains. of course I feel a level of responsibility. perhaps he is trying to make me feel guilty?

I can't seem to see light and feel as though he is all I have. which i realise is completely ridiculous

I spoke (phone) with him the other day and said enough was enough. and i couldn't do it any more.

perhaps time has run out on perth? although i will feel as though i have failed if i leave and go back to sydney, and will have to start all over again

i love cooking, i will do a class

I'm going back to Sydney for a week soon. i will see how i feel when i am there. In the mean time I am going to see a psychologist for some additional support

thankyou for your advice and words

they help me enormously during this time x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 13:12:51 GMT

I am strong, but currently i feel a shell of myself. and not myself at all really. my situation at the moment seems grim. I do find it hard when I am here and he is too. Did I mention he moved here after I told him not to? We were not officially together when he moved.

There has been some red flags. For sure!. Too many to mention. But I seemingly overlook these in light of my sadness and feelings of loss.

Thankyou for your quotes. I like the ones that point to a failure to change a poor situation is the only "failure" one can have

If Perth isn't working for me…then maybe it is time to pack up and move on.

I will give him a wide berth, if anything goes bad I will call the police - regarding my ex boyfriend. And in the meantime I will try my hardest to focus on myself and love myself again

And try to fit into Perth as best I can

People here tend to not like people not from here. Maybe a generalisation? But something I have found …?

That 1/2/5 year trick is a good one. What do you see for yourself?

c.x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Jugglin_Strugglin — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 21:57:17 GMT

It is Scary!

Both looking to the future and being an 'eastener' in Perth LOL. I know what you mean there. At least you've got a GPS. I remember so many times getting horribly lost, and that seemed to always snowball into other horror stories happening. I was there for 5yrs, so eventually knew my way around.

Funnily, (or not) I had a similar situation when I was there. I had almost forgotten it but a 'fling' I had before I left SA, turned up unannounced after I had told him not too. What a shock. Of course I was lonely at the time, but I stood my ground & was a complete bitch to him, his being there made things very difficult. I can't remember how long he hung around, but he left eventually, it seems I got off easily!

I can see that your ex being in Perth has changed your experience there, & that is such a shame. It has changed all the hopes you had when going there. It will be hard to pickup from there & start afresh, even if he does leave you alone. Easier than with him, tho.

It is scary to imagine where I will be in 6mths time, let alone any further. I have a 24/7 business here for 15 yrs, with no real holidays. Things started going downhill last spring, then avalanched at xmas, &I haven't worked since then. And I like it!! But of course the bank doesn't. I'm at risk of losing everything I've worked for, but can't give a toss atm. I don't feel so depressed while I don't have to face 'real life' & am happily here with my head in the sand. I can't believe it's the end of Feb?! Jan is usu my busiest time. Oh my.

Things were gonna change anyway, cos my son finishes school next yr. It is a shame I just couldn't keep going til then. Burnt out, then circumstances conspired big time, so is it meant to be, or that's what I'm telling myself. I don't know, maybe I'll pick up the pieces soon, when reality slams into me.

I have a few options, like you, but it is so hard to know what will be best. Im waiting for a flash of clarity which will never come. None of the options will be easy. The easier ones have less payoff of course. I can see the best way forward, but now I have health issues which may get worse, so it might not be possible anyway, so here I sit. Broke. Overthinking.

I hope he has given you space to begin what you'd hoped for when you went to Perth. It would be so different if he'd not been there. Perhaps if you can have just a month or 2 without him, you would see the best way forward without being a shell. We live in hope,

Best wishes, Lee

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 04:57:52 GMT

I need to cut communication with him. He is so manipulative and always talks me back in. He said to me today "I'm going to be with you weather you like it or not."

Which scared me a little

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 05:10:04 GMT

I think you're right Lee. I need to cut it off. I am trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings… but it should be about me. As I said earlier, he said "I will be with you weather you like it or not." which scares me

He has said that I don't make sense when I say I don't want to be with him, That I am irrational, and that he loves me so much over and over and over agin. I am in his future etc etc. I am the mother of his children and that the hurt I cause him is worth one day with me

But i feel this is all manipulative talk. If someone is telling you they don't want to be with you… why try and talk them back? I do not understand

I am so vulnerable. Its silly

My mum has told me I need to be careful. Very careful.

No way! you had a similar situation. Crazy. At least he got the picture.

Him being here has changed my experience. It has probably only intensified my isolation because I have had no other opportunities to meet other people. Additionally, his friends are involved in drugs and rough things like bike gangs that I am probably on the complete opposite spectrum.

In relation to you and your stuff...

you can only take each day as it comes. No work can be good. But yeah I can imagine the bank account does not like it. Reality is now, no need to rush yourself. Take it easy and everything will work out as it should.

I know how you feel. I would like clarity too. I want an angel to come down and tell me what i should do and when i should do it. But i guess you don't learn that way. Hindsight is a powerful thing and I am sure I will see sense further down the line

Dont overthink - that helps no one…. Least of all you

chloe.x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

cleo1988 — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 06:50:54 GMT

Can someone help me? I feel so alone

I need advice x x x

Lonely, lost and in need of some help

Apollo_Black — Tue, 28 Feb 2017 07:16:47 GMT

You need to be 100% clear to him that it's over. You won't be taking his calls, agreeing to see him or responding to his messages. Block his mobile number. If he visits your house don't open the door and call the police. Same goes if he visits your place of work. I'd even consider taking a holiday in Sydney for a few weeks. Deal with one thing at a time. If you're really lonely, that's why going back to Sydney for a few weeks might help. This guy is playing on your niceness. But he's adding an element of fear which is unacceptable. How did you respond to him when he said that?

Any case, don't give him a chance to say anything. It's over. No contact. Block his number