topic 14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets in Relationship and family issues

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 10:04:36 GMT

I have been married to this man for 14 yrs there has been a few breaking points but I have stuck it out because He can be a good guy

Recently he has gone bankrupt due to borrowing against out house

he deceived me throughout the whole last 5 years in a new business he started, with money and debt and next minute we had to sell our house, not much left

he has seen psychiatric people years before and was diagnosed bi polar but I have always doubted this and now he has been taken off one medication but on another.

He doesn't seem different tho so guessing it was ineffectual anyway

year after year of depression and really selfish behaviour plus losing everything I'm near at an end.

He hada string of bad things happen at work over 14 years which I have stood by him.

He is angry that he has no biological kids.

he is pretty obsessed with this even tho my kids have called him dad since day dot and my youngest was 3 when we met.

He has dreadful crying and screaming episodes, he doesn't communicate, rose coloured glasses so pretends he is perfect

He says I'm such a good man, he can't believe I would be unhappy with him,

I guess this is a small example of what has constantly happened in the marriage

he always went to psychologist but somehow pretended to be the good guy and simply said the surface problems he had and no one ever really dug deep,I guess

he is the comedian and all say oh what a wonderful guy he is... Life of the party etc but I and the kids get Sad man, he pretends to be happy he is passive aggressive, says really cutting things like I will find a younger woman to have a baby, he tells me I'm yelling but I absolutely don't

so I have finally got my own counselling and after 4 sessions I have been feeling fantastic and I have realised that he just goes to the psyc and its all about him and not a thought as to how all these things have affected our marriage kids.

Im angry as I can feel that by being honest with his psyc it possibly could have been helpful if he told the hard truth to perhaps to help us..

I feel let down by the drs and him because he just doesn't get it that I want some truth and feeling not pushed away and silence and oh it's not a good time because he feels depressed!! For 14 years

im ready to walk away but he rebooked 5 sessions with the psyc he has started seeing and promises he will listen. his own admission he just doesn't listen to the advice aparaNTLY WTF but now he will. I have lost trust

opinions please

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 02:44:17 GMT

I have been reading through posts about narcissism and bipolar and how they can be misdiagnosed!

Many of the traits of narcissist personality are him! Omg that a revelation

no wonder he is at a lose to come clean with not only himself but how could he say what he really does when I realize he has little to no idea of his self awareness!

I and the kids are his fodder for his narc ways...

He doesn't display some of the meaner traits like criticizing me but he says I am wonderful, his rock and he is only happy if I'm happy... Which never makes sense because he is never truly happy( another trait I discovered! I have save a few publications that I have found

BUT what can I do now?? Go to his psych?? Please help me

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 03:55:36 GMT

Hi Bluejay. I really feel for you with this stranger you're married to. I say stranger, because he is. So complex, you never know who is going to come home from the psych's. By that, I mean the personality changes make him a stranger. You mentioned he never criticises you, but actually, he does. He told you he was going to get a younger woman he can have a child with. That's a total put-down and criticising you for not having a child with him. It's certainly not a joke, it's extremely cruel. Maybe you should consider asking your Dr for a referral to his psych. It sounds as though the psych is not aware of your hubby's personality traits. I would suggest at this point you download all the info you can concerning narc's and the various behaviour traits and take this with you to the psych. It might be an idea for you to do this on your own as your hubby could try to argue the toss re: his erratic behaviour. If you suspect narcissism, the info will also show you the various behaviour changes narcissist's display. As for the suspicion, of bipolar, download the info re: this to peruse. You do need a Dr's referral to see the psych, also be aware, the psych could be a bit reluctant to discuss due to patient/Dr confidentiality. You need to let him know why you need to talk to him.

Lynda.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 07:39:37 GMT

You are so right! I am collating all the pages and highlighting what I think is appropriate to him. I realise now that my father was a violent narcissist (I say was prob still is but I cut ties with him 24 years ago) and I think has fantastica pseudalogica (something like that he was diagnosed many years ago but was ignored) also and I am enabling my husband like I was passive with my father... Believing all ,my husbands stuff, not challenging him, apologising for upsetting him, giving hugs after i do eventually challenge him, he cries grits teeth and says he hates himself and doesn't know why he is like this etc... He says I critise him, he has the kids believing it too sometimes they give me a hard time... But it's like he stuffs something up on purpose to get a rise out of me and it's so hard not to react! After he has an episode he hugs and says 'r u over it now and nothing wrong with him it was all my problem ... Jokes ... And 'oh you love me,it's true I don't care what u say...' Joking.. Making light of the situation which almost extended from something he has done. I got learned behaviour from my mum!!! I think the psyc has no idea as how could he? I am going to go to see him at his next appointment and ask for some time with him alone maybe. At this point I don't care if my husband gets mad, I'm not scared of him at all. But he is away this weekend and I have had some time to research. He's with his family who exhibit all kinds of depression anxiety, his dad bad bipolar and poor mum died from Alzheimer's which I reckon was from stress but I digress...

I hope this gives u some more info, I'm not sure that I can continue with this facade of a marriage

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 07:58:23 GMT

hi Bluejay. You certainly are up against it at the moment. Bipolar can be much the same as narcissism in that the person sometimes suffers delusions. With Alzheimers quite often this can be attributed to a fall, medication, sometimes alcohol abuse is responsible. My brother has Alzheimers due to alcohol abuse. It's excellent you have no fear of your hubby, but at the same time, I would suggest you be aware he could change in that way. Narc's in particular can get a bit agro when cornered. With the crying, gritting of teeth, etc this is his way of wanting to be centre. Narc's do have the need to be centre. They are actually quite lonely and insecure, hence the desire to be centre. Hopefully, once you talk to his psych, you'll have a clearer idea how you wish to proceed. My brother has been married 4 times, every wife has divorced him due to his alcohol abuse and inability to commit. His Alzheimers now means he needs care.

Lynda.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:01:48 GMT

Thanks Lynda after I wrote that I realised I probably should be careful yes. I am sorry to hear your brother has Alzheimer's and is needing care, very sorry. My dear mum in law never touched the alcohol and she was a really lovely person that was like me just too kind...

My husband however has a drinking problem, more like binge drinking 4/6 pack and a at least half bottle of wine in a night if he can get away with it. Strangely enough my first husband is an alcoholic too and I didn't really think that my second husband would be such a drinker, but over the years he has got worse but can go for week or 2 without any problem. it is almost always accompanied with eating bags of chips and chocolate at one sitting. He just checks out whilst watching telly, you can't interrupt him really. I started to do the same over the last few years but I have stopped being influenced to do so once I was council led that that's what I was doing.

My biggest fear if I do something is how do I survive, I have an 18 year old daughter who is at uni, she is a good girl and she can see what's wrong... And supports any decision I make regards this

Its really stupid feeing like this logically as I am a small business owner (home worker, small wage but never made feel important I guess about it) just completing my TAE (training cert 4 so I can get more security from a wage job, I think I'm planning me escape strategy but it's weird he has really helped me obtain that at his workplace and is happy I'm doing it.. So confusing) and a really creative person with lots of friends (who don't know any of this because I'm a listener, hairdresser) and parents, really cool 2 brothers and 2 lovely twin sons.despite being divorced previously I never really went out on my own because my love,y parents had a big home they shared with me then and the kids then met my husband who swept me off my feet and next minute we were married... I need to stand on my own two feet but I'm really scared but I'm more scared of what I will turn into with him

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:27:35 GMT

Hi Bluejay. You could try phoning the women's legal services for some advise regarding your options. There is also the option of talking to your Dr who may have some ideas for your next move. Perhaps c'link also might be able to help financially. Often in these type of situations c'link have been known to help with advise, financial assistance etc. If you decide to leave, your hubby may have to help you with money etc. Some lawyers also offer 20 minutes free legal advice so that's another thought. Have you thought about asking your Dr for a referral to a counsellor/therapist to get some guidance. It might also help for you to consider asking about short term AD's which would help relax you while you consider what's best for you.

Lynda

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 10:44:46 GMT

Thankyou I will look in to that. I'm currently seeing a psychologist for the last 6 weeks and through working with her I have unravelled many things so I think that this is what's happened to make me just think I can't have this happening in my life any more! My husband said he knew this would happen when I started seeing her... Well he wasn't wrong lol.

He has said he will do anything and is happy for me to go to his psyc and basically tell what I think.. He keeps saying I don't know what's wrong with him and he says he is in enormous pain from anxiety and depression all the time, no let up... Sometimes I think he says this to make me feel sorry for him. Btw he has a really great job and he is getting lots of attention and praise so he seems happier on that score at least... He seems to be able to be on the verge of a breakdown and then just pull himself together and go to work! Anyway thankyou for your responses I really appreciate your time and energy into my problems. I'm not used to asking for help so thankyou from the bottom of my heart

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 21:56:09 GMT

Hi Bluejay. With your hubby complaining constantly of being in pain, it could be because of depression, repressed anger. Often when we are forced, for whatever reason to repress or hide our emotions, be they anger depression, the anger from having to hide these feelings can cause acute pain. He actually seems to be constantly hiding behind the cruel jokes. You mentioned he often grits his teeth, this also could be a form of repression which 'feeds' the depression, thereby causing him to find other avenues of venting. Perhaps after you visit the psych, this might open doors for your hubby to be a bit more comfortable about getting in touch with the feelings he's chosen to repress. Perhaps he was repressed during childhood. If he had a traumatic childhood which he had to repress because you never 'wash your linen in public', trying to deal with the anger would create problems if there is no help available. I'm wondering if he actually knows how to be a husband?

Lynda

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 06:28:51 GMT

Hi lynda

he grew up the golden child of an older father who was quite clearly with NPD plus depression and anxiety. Mother codependent. My husband uses same tactics as his father to keep me but is nowhere as verbally nasty. Eg

his fathers mother died in their house (before my husband can remember) instead of calling the officials he went house to house telling everyone that his mother just died and left his poor wife in the house with the corps! So great example

my husbands brother is a narcissist CEO. He just talks incessantly about how good he is

his sister tells inappropriate embarrassing stories about her kids at the dinner table to get attention and makes a spectaculal of herself at social gatherings!

He never had a chance!

His husband skills have been been learnt not so well... He was 40 when we married and very fast too.

I don't think at 54 he can change and I'm done with it all.

Also can u clear up something. I am confused about gas lighting. I feel that he doesn't do that but I seem to feel I do but I think it's a bit twisted in my mind from my conditioning...

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 06:33:43 GMT

As regards to trauma on the surface

his parents poor, mother very caring and looks like a. Story book... Like he comes home from school for lunch his dad has his fav food got him, protects him gives him everything that they could afford. Actually spoilt pampered and considered an amazement! His mum died 8 years ago at 80 and she was his biggest fan I guess.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 07:08:46 GMT

Hi Bluejay47. From what you say your hubby was left to his own devices. Because he was considered the favourite, he was allowed to do whatever he liked. The father being a narc possibly instilled a feeling of 'superiority' in your hubby. A bit of hoping, son would learn how to be a man like dad. Father ruling the house possibly told mother to bow to sons every whim. If he was the first born, he would've been classed as 'golden'. Second son to gain dad's approval, tries to emulate dad by being CEO. Sister fights to gain recognition in her own right. Narc men often refer to women as second-class citizens who are there for men. Sister tries to be like dad by emulating inappropriate behaviour. Dad is obviously the strongest personality so children try to emulate. Mum, out of her depth smiles, goes along, trying to keep things running smoothly. Wow, you come along, into an extremely dysfunctional family. Trying hard to work in with hubby and family, you've almost lost you into the bargain, hence the 'gas light' term you referred to. You're basically questioning your own sanity. If, after seeing hubby's psych, you decide you want to stay, at least you'll have a clearer understanding of what you're going to have to live with. If hubby refuses to acknowledge, or change, you then have to make some decisions for you. I feel rather sorry for the way your hubby was raised. His parents behaviour was something he was forced to endure right from the start.

By the way, unreal about the g'mother's death. I presume you were talking about his g'mother. You said father's mother. Sounds as though the father wanted sympathy first rather than calling the authorities. By getting sympathy, which the authorities would've been too busy to give much of, g'father is considered that 'poor man'.

Lynda.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Nonny — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 07:35:31 GMT

Hi Bluejay,

My ex-husband was similar to how you describe yours. Pipsy has given you great advice. I'd like to ask a few questions that helped me eventually get out of the dangerous relationship I was in, though I didn't realise until later. I lost everything except my children when I left, but somehow its all worked out and I have no doubt leaving was the right thing to do.

It's not easy to leave and we get lost in our long term patterns, hence a counsellor is really useful. I don't know your religious beliefs but this may be your only life, do you want to spend it in this relationship with its enormous difficulties? Later on when you look back at your life is this a time you wish you had done more, worked harder, supported their man more? Or, will you value and remember walks in the park/beach, coffee with friends and laughing with your children? Or even extra bit of education you took on etc?

If trust is lost how can there be a relationship? Be brave and plan for your future. Take good care of yourself you deserve it.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

Bluejay47 — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:21:36 GMT

Oh yes it was the fathers mother... Almost laughable really. U pretty much nailed it as far as dysfunctional. I have lots to do now. Thanks heaps for your insight

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

pipsy — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 03:34:04 GMT

Hi Bluejay. So glad I was able to help. Please feel free to post whenever you've had enough. With narc's they have to be seen as perfect by everyone who meets them. it's part of the insecurity. Which is why your hubby's g'father went door to door when his wife died. It had to be about him first. He needed the sympathy and recognition that he had been such a good hubby and didn't deserve to be left a widower.

Lynda.

14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets

PeteyBoPetey — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 09:43:58 GMT

I was thinking it sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder to me