topic Trying to find a way past the self hatred.... in Relationship and family issues

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 13:02:05 GMT

Hi all.

I am very, very new to this. I have always been the person who silently broods until I finally snap. However, tonight I got so mad because of something that I should not have been upset about in the first place and realized that I need to find someone to talk to. I struggle to talk to people so I figured that this at least is anonymous and quite possibly might help.

I already know what triggers my moments of depression.. Thinking about my father and how miserable I was as a child, thinking about one of my 4 sisters who causes me nothing but grief and who I can't bring myself to forgive for hurting me, thinking of my mother who should have stood up for me but never did and whom also shows no real interest in my two sons, my other 3 sisters who act fake around me, thinking about my brother who I never got the chance to get to know because I made the choice to run away when I was 15 and he was 5, even when I look at my husband and know that I am in a miserable marriage that I struggle to give a chance triggers these moments of depression. There are also those never ending thoughts that spiral around in my mind telling me that I have the power to fix my marriage, forgive my family, move away and start fresh and even get out and try to loose all the weight I stacked on during the previous 5 years.

I realize that my life ain't so bad. I have 2 great kids, the rent is paid on time, I manage to pay the bills, we eat as healthy as the budget allows and I know my children are NEVER hungry. I have more then some people do and I should feel appreciative, I know that.

I still can't shake all my bitter history. I can't bring myself to forgive life long grudges. I don't leave the house very often. I can't get motivated. I cry constantly, sometimes for no reason at all. I am so lonely and I don't know who I can talk to because the people in my life don't understand and every single one of them is notorious for gossiping behind each others backs.

I don't want to feel alone anymore though. I don't want to be in this bubble of self hatred, treating myself like a victim and hating myself even more for it. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way and I definitely won't be the last, that's life I guess... But, I want some help now and if starting here, talking to strangers, is the baby step I must take to start down the road to feeling better then I hope this helps.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Paul — Thu, 02 Jun 2016 21:44:55 GMT

Hi Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By, Welcome to the forums. I think you've taken a huge step in sharing your story and your pain. Thank you.

Please know you are amongst kindred spirits here and that we understand those moments where looking back our reactions could have been different. Those reactions and the anger is painful, but the lesson is understanding yourself that little bit more. This also might mean coming back here and telling us of an incident that happened that didn't go the way you feel it could have.

In reading about your family I understand it must have been difficult and still is because of the dynamic of the family, especially your siblings.

You'll never shake your bitter history, it's already been written and can't be changed. What can be changed is how each piece affected you and still affects you - the most important part is then learning how to accept the pieces and live for the future, as you say, you have to gorgeous kids, food on the table and the kids aren't hungry That's a future to hold on to and get well for.

Getting well is so much more effective when there are multiple approaches. Talking about things, perhaps visiting your GP to have a chat, eating quality food, getting fresh air and going for a walk, meditation helps some people, mindfulness helps some as well.

All of the approaches in concert will help with firstly stabilising your mood and outlook which makes it easier to accept and forgive your past and feel more comfortable in general.

I speak from experience as I can relate to some of your family history and also events in childhood that are really hard to understand emotionally. I needed to find a good therapist to help me through. Your GP can help you find someone if you choose to add this to your swag of approaches to getting well.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Paul

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 12:11:33 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your words of support. It does feel good to have someone say something non judgemental for once.

Right now I am wishing I had the courage to react more. Last night I failed to tell someone that they had completely disrespected and hurt me and in the process I got angrier and angrier at myself for being so weak. It is so easy for me to get angry and tell my husband how I feel even if it turns into an argument but as soon as I see someone else I completely shut down, completely afraid to tell them how I feel.

I keep making plans to see a Dr and never following through. I don't even understand why, it just works out that way. I panic and make myself forget about making the call. I haven't seen a counselor in 12 years and I am afraid that it won't help. I don't know how to stop the fearful thought process.

I don't want to be that person who makes excuses for myself so I won't. I really just want to understand why I feel the way I do all the time. I want to know how I can make the people who hurt me understand just how much they keep hurting me. And I really want to know how to start over without being scared of what will happen around the next corner, I want that more then anything.

Thanks for listening,
Lana.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Gruffudd — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 22:36:41 GMT

Hi Lana,

Welcome to the forums. What I like about this space is that you can tell your story in the way that works for you. You can ask questions. And you can be upfront about issues like mental health where the conversations don't always happen in other parts of life. You have made a good start on all that, I would encourage you to keep in touch with us. I can say there are a fair few good listeners here.

Rob.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Starwolf — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 02:28:32 GMT

Hi Lana and a warm welcome to these forums...they are indeed a good place to start. Well done !

Like you, I grew up in a dysfunctional family (to say the least) so I understand the negative impact this history can have on us. It is difficult to build up self esteem and confidence in an environment intent on keeping you down.

The mind is a bit of a labyrinth. We refer to it as ours but in fact, we end up being its puppet, not knowing what exactly is pulling the strings. We keep bumping against dead ends, run around in circles and can't find a way out. This is the reason why a guide is a good ally to have. This is what a good therapist should be. Sometimes it takes several attempts to find one we can click and work with efficiently. I guess your past experience with a counselor failed to work out for you. It doesn't mean the same will happen again if you decide to give it another shot. A good professional's job is to help you understand why you feel the way you do...and also how to manage those feelings so that you can reclaim control and quality of life. Therapists are service providers, nothing wrong with walking off and seeing someone else if you find they're not the right person. Keeping in mind that expecting quick results is unrealistic...

If you find face to face confrontation too daunting, why not write down your feelings and hand the letter over to those who bully you ? Writing allows you to clarify your feelings to yourself. You can take time over wording, delete and start over again until you're satisfied. No blurting out in panic involved. A letter can be read and read again at leisure. This is a strategy that has helped many of us stand up for ourselves and gain self esteem in the process.

Big problems are best dealt with by breaking them in small pieces, one small step at a time.

Meanwhile, navigating these forums and posting will allow to vent your feelings instead of bottling them up. They're a safe, non judgmental place to start. You'll find here many others who are familiar with the issues that confront you. We're all more or less on the same boat...or have been there in the past.

Good to have you on board.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Paul — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 23:10:10 GMT

Hey Lana (That's so much easier than typing Lettin_Life_P....)

Thanks for your reply.

I get a strong feeling a lot of the judgement that upsets you comes from some negative self talk which then turns into how you feel. An example. "I got angrier and angrier at myself for being so weak". Ouch. If we pop the judgement of being weak aside for a moment and take a layer off - What's underneath that emotion of feeling weak? If it's something to do with your childhood then is it still a judgement or is it just how you feel at the moment as a result of what's underneath the feeling of weakness. A way to find out might be to ask yourself "When I don't stand up for myself, what prevents me from saying something?" In asking that question it requires you to let go of judging yourself while you ask it.

I hope that makes sense - please let me know if not and we can go through it together. Sometimes those secondary emotions hide and are hard to see.

Anger can be a big blanket we throw over a bunch of emotions to hide them, it can also be a natural reaction to feeling like we've been wronged, it can also be the immediate emotion following fear. Sometimes it's hard to let go of anger - as you said talking to your husband and sometimes ending up having an argument.

Can you try this next time...

Name it - recognise the anger and label it "Im angry" or "That's anger"<--- this one is better

Claim it - "I have anger because"... this could be because someone disrespected you, hurt you, did the wrong thing.

Give it away "This anger actually belongs to"... whomever or whatever made you angry to start with.

You can't short cut this exercise it's important to run through the three steps and you can't use yourself to claim it because you not the source of your anger!

The name it, claim it, give it away exercise helps deal with anger and it's only helpful to keep anger from masking other emotions.

I'd love to know how you go with asking yourself to find the next layer and also diffusing anger. Even if you feel they are silly - please let me know.

Be kind to yourself. - Let's chat again soon.

Paul

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 15:12:54 GMT

I'm really struggling to find answers tonight. I found out today that my sister is still slandering me publicly, even after a year of no contact. I also found out that my own grandmother has been trying to turn the rest of my family away from using the soap products that I make and sell because apparently I am doomed to fail.
I finally came out and told everyone exactly how unstable I have been and that I am seeking medical help. Not a single person has come forward to answer me, I highly doubt I will even get a text from my mother anytime in the next millennia. Just once in my life I want my mother to ask me if I am OK! It would be nice just to get a message saying hi. I have seen my parents 2 maybe 3 times in 14 months with next to no communication and it is really starting to hurt. This is all muddled and confusing tonight but I am so upset that I can't sleep, I just want to scream. The past year has finally become too much. Besides the drama with my sister and parents, my husband was framed for dealing drugs and cheating. I still don't know who has been trying to destroy our life, they just keep coming at us. I can't handle it anymore. Sorry that this is more of a rant then an answer to previous replies, I really needed to throw out some of the garbage even if it landed in a confused muddle of sentences.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Paul — Tue, 07 Jun 2016 21:29:43 GMT

Hi Lana,

Sounds like there's a lot going on at the moment. I think you did the right thing by jumping on here and letting it out. That's what we're here for!

It's horrible when there is family conflict, especially with immediate family and no clear reasons why and as you say it's really starting to hurt.

I'm wondering a few things; how did you let everyone know about how you've been feeling lately?

Have you tried to text your mother and let her know you would like to talk, then let her know how much she means to you?

Has something specific happened that has caused so many of your family members to cause hurt?

Chat soon Lana, Take care.

Paul

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Starwolf — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 04:30:09 GMT

Hi Lana,

It seems to me that you find yourself in a toxic family environment. Not only are you getting no support whatsoever but it is also bringing and keeping you down. How can you move on from a "bitter history" if all you are getting now is more of the same ? How can you stop seeing yourself as victim if those around you keep victimizing you ?

Have you thought of taking time out from it all and focus on sorting yourself out and away from this constant negative input ? There was a time when I had to do this myself in order to gather new strength and allow inner forces to regroup. I understand it is easier said than done but it is possible. Perhaps you should temporarily cut contact with those who are not only unhelpful but are also making things worse. Do you need this input in your life right now ? I think you deserve better than them.

This strategy worked well for me and also others. Perhaps it would give you a chance to take good care of yourself and your immediate family without having the rest of them throwing a spanner in the works.

My best wishes are with you.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 14:28:49 GMT

It's a very long story spanning literally my whole life and very hard to summarize but I will do my best as it helps clarify the problems that bring me here.

Growing up my father was a bit of a smoker, grew his own weed a bit etc and didn't have a job for probably a good 8 years I think, and I think maybe this helped make him the father he became. Me, being the oldest of 6 (5 girls and youngest being a boy) and having supposed to have been a boy, copped a lot from him. I basically grew up with an angry bipolar father that didn't know his limitations as far as physical punishment is concerned and didn't know how to pick and choose the things he punished for and so punished everything, right down to something as simple as playing with a ladybug once when I was 9 and he didn't like it. This is just one example, there is way too many things a hundred times worse I could say he did but this one stuck in my memory because I felt very wronged, especially since I was 9 and I didn't understand at the time.

I finally ran away from home when I was 15. I didn't go near my parents or siblings again for the following 2 years if I could help it and I managed to get by fine with a counselor and anti depressant medication.

I slowly started letting my family back into my life when I had my first son at the age of 18, I even gave my son my fathers name in his middle name. My dad made this big show of buying me some furniture and helping me move into a flat when I separated from my babies father. I met my current husband and everything was going great, I was getting along with everyone for the most part.

Then all the drama started. One of my sisters started abusing everyone in the family. Another sister got married behind everyone's backs to a man who ended up killing himself a couple of years ago because of the trouble my family caused him. The sister that was abusing everyone manipulated me into thinking she needed protecting and got me to have a talk to one of our other sisters who did not invite the abusive sister to her engagement party. To be fair none of our family had been invited....... I can't imagine why!!! Abusive sister talked me into letting her move in with me but the tried to get me to let her boyfriend move in too, rent free. I said no. She abused me black and blue slandering me all over the internet, telling everyone that I was fat and ugly and stupid. The family gossiped some more.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 22:50:13 GMT

Abusive sister got pregnant and moved back in with our parents. Tried turning everyone against me for not helping her and her boyfriend. I then found out that my grandmother had been telling everyone in the family that I slept around with everyone and that I apparently stole from her. She kept telling everyone that she didn't like my husband (at that time boyfriend) and kept saying bad stuff about him, mind you she had never actually me him at this stage. She wouldn't stop. I eventually sent her an email saying the she was hurting me and everybody around me and she had to stop or she wasn't welcome in my life or her great grandsons life. And then I didn't speak to her for months after that.
Throughout all of this I was continuously being called over to my parents by my father to help look after my mum who was getting drunk and crying herself silly every night. I didn't like having to put my drunk mother into a shower after watching her puke all over my 2 year old's nappy bag, it shouldn't have been my job to look after her, it should have been my dad. I started distancing myself from my family again after abusive sister gave birth to her baby. I was sick of everyone gossiping about each other, everyone was always so critical. Abusive sister ended up reported to DOCs by the hospital when her daughter was rushed to a better hospital when she was taken in with burns and bruises all over her body. Once again the whole family banded together to treat each
other like crap, taking sides and judging each others opinion.
Eventually one day I got sick of everyone and offered abusive sister a home to live in while she got her daughter back. Everything was fine, I was happy with a new little baby to keep me occupied, my sister got her daughter back and even though the rest of the family was gossiping about my decision to help my sister behind my back I ignored it all and minded my own business. I started noticing abusive sister was being rough with her daughter
and neglecting her for hours on end while abusive sister slept. I started getting people to watch when they
visited so I had witnesses if I reported her to DOCs. And then just over a year ago abusive sister moved out. But abusive sister decided she wanted more from me and started asking for my child safety equipment that I had set up around my house to protect my own children. DOCs wouldn't let her keep her kids if she didn't set her house up safely (understandable obviously).

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 22:56:11 GMT

Instead of using her pension to buy it all for herself abusive sister spent all her money on designer baby gear for the baby she was pregnant with even though she didn't need half of it. I said no, she needed to buy it all herself. She couldn't handle me saying no to her again and so she slandered me harsher than she ever had before across every social forum she was on. The insults about my appearance and even my parenting methods were beyond anything I had witnessed before. She insulted my intelligence. She even set her boyfriend on to me for something that I had nothing to do with. I had had enough. I asked for all the baby furniture I had lent her back and told her to stay away from me. She refused to give everything back to I called the police for some help to retrieve it without abusive sister attacking me as she had done to other sisters before. Abusive sister had already sold all my stuff and pocketed the money. I was furious. My sister saw my efforts to protect her children from harm as some kind of threat and did everything she could to hurt me.

Ever since this went down I have gotten reports from other family members that she is still slandering me, telling everyone that I am fat and ugly. Telling everyone that I am a bad person because I am an indoor person, not an outdoor person. She tells everyone that I don't educate my kids. Apparently I should have been swallowed at birth. The list goes on and on.

Apart from all the abusive sister stuff I have had problems with my husband. We keep fighting. Every time I am feeling down we end up arguing over nothing because he won't listen to me when I tell him I need to be left alone. During the past year my husbands email account has been hacked and used to sign up to every cam girl website imaginable and even been very convincing in making me believe that it was my husband that had been chatting to other girls. And then one night recently all the girls started sending me messages with photos of letters that had been left on their cars with my husbands handwriting and email address on them. I was so convinced he had been stalking women in car parks. he was adamant that it wasn't him. And then he got pulled over for an RBT one day and when the police saw his license they called in a drug squad and dogs because apparently he had been reported as selling drugs.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 23:00:44 GMT

This was when I knew we were being targeted. Not only did the dogs come up clean but I knew that even when my husband has smokes tobacco cigarettes behind my back he hadn't touched marijuana since he got clean 4 years ago. This is one thing I was sure of. Everyone in my family started gossiping again, and the whole time I was waiting to see if my mum would call to see if i was OK during the time that I had been considering divorcing my husband before the RBT. What an idiot I am of course. Why would i think my parents would give a damn?

And then my parents and siblings let abusive sister back into their life a coupe of months ago. All of a sudden abusive sister has them all wrapped around her little finger, talking and gossiping about me, ganging up on me. As if I needed my whole family to do that to me right when my life has been falling apart.

And like I mentioned my grandmother started slandering me again, telling everyone that the business I am trying to build is going to fail. gee, thanks Nan.

I am now here, right now at this point where I am trying to figure out how after 11 years of all this drama, after all the help I gave family members when they needed, why when I need everyone no one gives two iotas about me. I have tried so hard to help everyone, to be loyal, to do everything for my kids so they never have to feel the way I did growing up, to start a business so I can buy a good home for my kids one day and start college funds for them one day. I have tried so hard to forget how lonely and unwanted I have felt the past 11 years, make that 26 including my childhood. I put my own needs aside for years for the sake of the rest of my family. I can't do it anymore. I am so angry and I can't stop being angry. I want all the pain to go away but at the same time I want my family to be something they obviously can't be. I want to move away and forget everyone but at the same time I want family around me. I don't have any friends to lean on.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 23:03:36 GMT

Here's the truth about me. Yes, I am overweight and have been battling with me own feelings about my weight on my own without my family always criticizing me for how I look. Yes, I am an indoor person and would rather sit down with a cup of tea and watch my babies play. This does not mean that I ignore my kids or that they don't go outside to play. They have all my attention all the time, it's just in my personality to hide away inside where other people can't look at me and make me feel judged. I put my whole heart and soul into my kids. I stress over how much we can afford to feed them fresh healthy organic home made foods instead of relying on cheaper frozen foods. I stress over their education, my 7 year old does homework every day even in the holidays when other parents would give their kids time of. I spend hours every day trying to get my one year old to talk. I am pro cloth nappies and washing the same load of washing 2 times on long cycles with extra rinses just to make sure my kids don't put food stained clothes back on. I vacuum 2-3 times a day, every day. I clean my bathroom with vinegar to avoid my kids coming into contact with chemicals. My kids don't lack indoor or outdoor toys. They even dress well. I own thousands of books, both kids and adults because I want my kids growing up with a healthy attitude towards reading. Yes, I love watching TV and curling up under a blanket but who cares? Isn't that my problem? Why should it be a reflection on my kids? I encourage them to read and play and run around outside. I have conversations with them (well as much as I can with my 1 year old) about school and their friends. I have play dates with one of my other sisters and my niece so my 1 year old has someone to interact with his own age when my older son is at school.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By — Wed, 08 Jun 2016 23:09:48 GMT

Hi Starwolf,

I do believe I deserve better, well I do now. I never really thought it mattered before. But now I am always depressed and lonely and angry at my family and I realize I need better for myself. You are right that I need to distance myself from my family. I don't want to be any more lonely than I already am but I can't handle the hypocrisy I deal with from my family on a daily basis anymore. My family know that I am struggling to get past everything that I have been dealing with lately and have shown absolutely no support, so i have decided to move away from the area in a few months and cut contact until they are ready to be grown ups.

Trying to find a way past the self hatred....

Starwolf — Thu, 09 Jun 2016 01:41:57 GMT

Hey Lana,

Reading through your posts, I believe you have made the only wise decision possible. Well done for taking this courageous step. And yes, you owe it to yourself and your children. They deserve to grow in a safe, supportive environment. You are a loving, caring Mum so you understand this. Your children are lucky to have you.

In my opinion, it is better to live without family if this family is detrimental to your well being. It seems to me that staying within it doesn't stop you from being alone. You have been used and abused. This has to end.

With all you have endured over the years, you have shown inner strength and courage. But it has understandably taken its toll and you are badly in need of looking after yourself and protecting your children. They need a happy, healthy Mum.

Starting a new life chapter means we must leave the past behind, so loss is always involved. Letting go of a harmful situation is a must...no matter how attached to it we have become. It will all be worthwhile in the long run.

Bear in mind that you will have to be firm. Your family will not like the idea of letting go of their scapegoat. Due to their own issues, they need these power games to continue. They've obviously used their schemes to validate themselves. Let it be their problem. You and your kids are the ones who really matter here.

I understand that going it alone is not easy. I still think you should talk to a GP who could put you on a health plan to help sort out your wounded emotions. Unloading the overload by talking face to face with someone qualified helps clarify the situation to ourselves.

You have already made difficult but positive decisions to move on in the right direction. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve to be kind to yourself by putting yourself out of harm's reach. It's an achievement to be proud of. Self esteem has been battered by those who didn't know how to love you. Now it's time to love yourself and take good care.

Here for you.