topic Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else in Relationship and family issues

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Alx — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 11:56:08 GMT

My wife has instigated separation and I don't want to be, I told her I would fight to save my family with some success but also a couple of huge failures. I'm now not in a good place mentally as she is seeing another guy leaving me home to get our 3 boys through the evening routines while she is at her "friends" house

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

geoff — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 20:24:58 GMT

dear Alx, thanks for allowing us to talk with you.Your present situation puts you in a very unpleasant position not only for your 3 sons but definitely for yourself, and I'm sure that there have been many arguments and tense moments, with no agreement being made.Even if there was a reconciliation between the two of you, this may not stop her from wanting to go out with someone else, so it's always going to be a contentious point, and as much as you want to keep your family together, it's going to be very difficult, as you could doubt and suspect her movements.This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but once they stray they always stray, and the temptation is always there.Married couples or people living together are bound to have many disagreements, but this doesn't take away all the good times, but what sticks in a person's mind, the good times or the bad times, to me it's the latter, because we become resentful, hurt and annoyed, and can they get repaired, well this depends on the issue and again depends on each individual person.Now I would think that you are annoyed with your wife, and so would I, and I wouldn't think that I could tolerate being in the same situation, however your 3 sons need the love and care, and how do you explain exactly what your wife/mum is doing, it's a hard call.You could just tell them that their mum is going out with a girlfriend, but eventually they will find out as she may boost to them.I could suggest marriage counselling, however your wife may have nothing to do with the idea, but what I do suggest is for you to see your doctor and then let him/her start the ball rolling so that you can get the help and support you need.It's a very unpleasant situation for you and the kids, and any reconciliation between the two of you seems to be slender, I hope not. Geoff.

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Doolhof — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 21:16:06 GMT

Hi Alx,

This is a tough situation you find yourself in. Sounds like you really want things to work with your wife. Must be tough knowing she is out with another guy while you are at home looking after the boys.

Not really sure what to suggest here. Geoff has mentioned some form of counselling. If your wife is up to some relationship counselling that would be great, but it seems like she has made up her mind as to how she wants things to be!

I would certainly suggest you try to get some advice and help for yourself. I can totally understand that you are not in a good place mentally.

You could share more here if you feel like you are able to or want to. You could call the Relationships Australia number and have a chat with someone there. They might be able to offer you some advice.

You could call the Beyond Blue phone number or use their webchat service. If you look on the internet or in your local phonebook you will find all kinds of groups and organisations you could call for advice or just to have someone to chat with.

You may also have to start setting rules and boundaries with your wife. You both need to be available and responsible for your children. This situation must be affecting them, maybe more than you both realise.

Hope this has been of some help to you! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Simona — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 00:58:22 GMT

She is cultivating a new relationship while you are looking after the children - how is that going to help you save 'the marriage' Alx? She has free babysitting. Yes i know you love them - they are your babies but you are allowing her the freedom and opportunity to be with another man & then come home to her freshly bathed children who are oblivious to this bizarre charade. It's almost too convenient!

Regardless of your trying if she has made up her mind and is not open to reconciliation you are just prolonging the inevitable & setting yourself up for a whole ton of hurt and from my distant observation she has already left the building.

I understand you want to keep the family unit together but at what cost? possibly playing stepdad to another man's child if her new love interest bails out? And seriously, for just how long are you willing to play this out? Things can get a whole lot messier when we don't know when to let go. How many more date nights? how many more boyfriends?

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Alx — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 05:10:11 GMT

Yes I understand there will be a trust issue and so far as that is concerned I feel she had not consummated anything in the past while she was considering the possibility to work things out. She has stated that she wants to live the fun years of her life that she missed out on after having our first child at 21 ... At the expense of our marriage it seems; I had asked her how she thinks we would be if we both put in effort to make the marriage work and her reply was it probably would

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Alx — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 05:24:07 GMT

We have made an attempt at counciling in the past which did not progress past the session after seperate sessions, I asked to book another session for us she went on to get further guidance for herself and proceeded to get her self sorted out with a plan B if things did not work out the way she wanted. I had heavy work commitments that year which in hindsight took its toll on the family ... Recently I undertook to only work mon- fri and no weekend work and met with some success in the home life. While I was earnestly trying to measure up to her expectations she had been on a social media/ dating/ hook up app though she had noticed some changes but thought they would not be permanent ... I tried so hard to save my family and made a couple of monumental mistakes along the way

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Alx — Sat, 22 Aug 2015 09:57:53 GMT

Thanks Simona I do understand the issues mentioned and updates the past few days has things getting real, I am over the emotional torture I have had the past few months with trying to save the family ... I'm satisfied that she is someone else's problem now 🙂 there has been a few petty arguments over stupid things but it's just her trying to justify to herself the reasons for her leaving ... Basically she is 28 and I'm 52 she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous with a gym body that just won't quit. And now after having the first of our 3 boys at 21 wants to go out and live the fun years that she missed out on ... Can't really do that with 3 kids at home and no family to help out; it's been a long time coming I guess. So now the future is my focus and to sort out the property settlement (read shared debt) and care arrangements for the children . She thinks I will get all the debt and she will have the furniture and extensive wardrobe she had amassed ... Not to mention the $6000 odd cash she is carrying around in her handbag which she squirreled away the past year or two ... My current job will finish next week and what I have after that I am unsure ... so I will be out living in the ute :))

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Simona — Sun, 23 Aug 2015 01:03:31 GMT

Oh what a handful Alx.....your post almost makes me lost for words... However now that you have given us a more detailed version of your unfortunate predicament it all makes sense - the coin fits the slot. I am pleased for you that you are no longer emotionally distressed and that things are now 'real' however living in your ute? - surely you kid with me! A man of your disposition surely has friendly allies in times of need no?

You are in my thoughts Alx - I cross fingers for you and your 3 precious babies 🙂

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Doolhof — Thu, 27 Aug 2015 10:27:03 GMT

Hi Axl,

Just checking in to see how you and the children are getting on.

I hope you are all safe and secure and something has been organised for you all.

You have certainly found yourself in a very unfortunate situation. I hope you are able to eventually move on and provide a safe and secure home for your children, or are they staying with their Mum? Either way, I hope you will be able to have quality time with your children.

Wishing you all the best from Mrs. Dools

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

LateInLife — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 10:18:21 GMT

Hi Alx

I can emphasize with you as I am in the same situation. We have been married for 27 yrs and separated for 1 month. I have 19 and 21 year old sons at home.

I know my wife has been dating and seeing this guy as it was an EA before the separation. She admits nothing but all the tell tale signs are there.

I have since moved on and have a peace about it (we understand why our relationship has gone) however, I would rather she not date whilst we are still married and separated under the same roof.

I am half tempted to boot her out the door as she has agreed she will go but will be very hard up to live. I feel a need to still provide for her so torn up between this and getting on with my life and kicking her out.

Seen a counselor a few times and between the counselor and my friends, the transition has been so much easier.

If she ever came around and asked to re-conciliate I personally would not be able to trust her again as some of her actions are definitely mid life crisis and elevated desires etc and she would probably go wondering again.

My two sons think it is the best for me and say I am so much carefree cooler and joy to be with. They want to stay with me and see and do very little with my wife now. They see her as the big bad ogre 🙂

Anyway, it is tough but hang in there as my first few weeks was a shocker. Above all make sure to speak to others constantly. Every time I spoke to someone I came away feeling that little bit better.

Regards

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

Doolhof — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 22:30:05 GMT

Hi LatelnLife

Thanks for sharing your story here and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

It is very difficult when a relationship breaks down to know what to do and how to handle the situation. It is wonderful you have been able to talk with people about how you are feeling. That certainly helps.

My husband and I have recently been to marriage counselling. We went once and my husband thinks that is enough, the problem is now solved. Ha. Ha.

It is solved as long as I accept his interpretation of everything. I can live with that. I know where I stand now. We are just two "friends" living in the same house. We have separate bedrooms and fairly separate lives. I work to support us both as he has been out of work for nearly three years.

For us this relationship works, only my heart is broken as this is not the relationship I desire with my husband.

He has told me that he would rather be with a young lady from a different nationality and that my 50 year old body repulses him. He is 50 also and way over weight!

I now need to make the most of what we do still have. At least we are "friends" and we have a lovely home.

I hope you are able to make some tough decisions and decide which way you need to go from here. I too think that the least your wife could do is to not carry on while she is still under the same roof. That is just my opinion anyway.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

pipsy — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 11:41:53 GMT

Hi LateInLife. Having read and re read your story (to get it 'straight'). I find it hard to believe no-one seems to have told you anything about your legal rights. I went through a divorce some years ago. If the house belongs to both of you, you will be entitled to even shares. Is there some way you could 'buy' her out? This would give you and children a roof over your head. I know how tempting it is, but try not to 'poison' the children against her, let her do that. I understood that when you end a marriage, you're entitled to half shares of chattels. How long have you been married? It sounds as though you'll be better off without her anyway, looking at her behaviour. I doubt her new relationship will last, she sounds as though she chases dreams. If she has run up debts and you can prove they're hers, she will have to pay. When I separated I took the car thinking all I had to do was get him to sign it over. Wrong, I still had to pay him when I sold it. When our house sold, I only got 40% because I had to give him half the amount I got for the car. The legal ins and outs when you end a marriage are not cut and dried. Sorry to say this, but I think you should tell her to go now, let her bf put her up. I would talk to a lawyer who deals in matrimonial settlements, tell him what you've written here. You could be in for a nice surprise.

Best wishes.

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

UpNDown — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 15:47:27 GMT

So many familiar stories here that I feel the need to contribute.

I lived with my ex partner and two sons (six and two). We had kind of become stuck in a 'rut' after getting together far too young and immature.

She started to pull all nighters going out all the time and would disappear on days out "shopping". This led to some excuse to have to go across town for "work" (she seldom had a job) and stay overnight for days on end. She would disappear for up to a week with no word. With our eldest having just started school and not having his mum around was taking its toll on him.

Then one long weekend she insisted I take our sons away for a dad/son trip. The whole time we were away I tried to make contact but there was no answer on her phone each time. We returned home I found a heap of my things had been moved out of our bedroom robe to another bedroom and her reason was she was trying to make more room. Also a framed photo on the wall with me in it had been taken down. Her excuse was that it fell off the wall but she caught it which is why it didn't break.

I noticed she had been spending a lot of time on the computer. So I installed spy software on it to see what she was doing. Some might not agree with what I did but I had to make sure I didn't have some surprise coming. What I found confirmed my suspicion. There was someone else and she was going around telling people that we were separated and she'd soon be moving into her own place.

When I questioned her about thing she cracked and I got the "it's not you it's me" and "I need a break" lines. Knowing this was coming to its end and my six year old son going through what I did when I was his age broke my heart.

The most excruciating thing was having to sleep in bed next to her knowing what had really been happening behind my back.

My advice to anyone going through separation is that the first two years are terrible but I urge you to stick it out because there is a light at the end.

After we had moved I found out from a former friend of hers, whom she'd had a falling out with, that there had been multiple men for a period of about six months. This behaviour was the reason for the falling out because this friend didn't agree with what she was doing and there was a threat that she would tell me about it.

That was seven years ago now and I have never looked back as far as relationships go. I used this terrible experience as a chance to start fresh.

Separated and staying in same house ... She is seeing someone else

pipsy — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 07:56:19 GMT

Hi there. Quite often when a couple get together fairly young, there are all sorts of problems. Men tend to mature later than women, so women quite often feel they're 'carrying' both of them. When there's children involved, it's harder. Couples 'living together' seem to thing that they're saved the heartache of financial problems if their relationship goes 'belly up'. I think, personally, all couples should go through a budgeting scenario to see if they can 'pool' their resources. If a couple make a commitment to marry or live together, there should also be an understanding that if one or the other decides to end the relationship, try and make it as painless as possible. I know how hard it is when one partner stops loving the other. It hurts the partner who feels 'wronged'. If there's kids involved it's harder. But ask yourself one thing. Isn't it better for both of you to 'end it' rather than stay together for the 'sake of the children'. Staying together for the wrong reasons creates more bitterness than is healthy for everyone. The children suffer, you suffer and for what? They say time heals all wounds, it does. I'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship. Hate is destructive and it makes us say and do things that, after you 'cool' down, you realize all you really hurt was you. Ex partner moves on with their life, you're left humiliated because you tried to hang on to something that was no longer there.

We have an 'open' relationship because financially we're better off. It works because we're both happier than ever. It takes a lot of emotional growing though. My hubby has his interests, I have mine.

That's just us, it works.